Dd physically attacked me today

[perfectpeach]

She has a vile temper and it's not the first time she's been physically violent towards me though it's not frequent, but the nastiness is on a daily basis

She had her phone confiscated today for constant sarcasm and back chat. She then grabbed and pulled at me trying to get it back, and when she couldn't get at it she then kicked me and hit me round the back of the head

She's 14. My other, much younger child was terrified and hysterical.

Feel like crap. The Dr and her school were useless when I asked for help. She likely has pathological demand avoidance disorder but getting a formal diagnosis or help is proving tricky

Fed up of constantly walking on egg shells round her

[RandomMess]

Can you phone the police on 101 and ask if they are able to charge in these circumstances? Perhaps that will mean that they will start taking her issues seriously?

You need to protect yourself and your younger dc I'm afraid

[LeChien]

I'm really sorry. Are you feeling ok now?
Loads of areas don't recognise PDA, but if you could stretch to it, there are places you can go private.
How is she at school? Do they recognise that anything is going on?
If you're on FB have a search for PDA, there are a couple of very supportive and informative groups that are worth joining.

[Mrsrochesterscat]

You need to bring yourself round to knowing that you must ring 999 if she is violent again. Tell the younger DC to dial straight away if they are ever scared.

You need to protect yourself and your younger DC from this. It is domestic violence and will be taken seriously.

The police can help with referrals too - ask them to submit a 101 form, it will speed up the process for diagnosis and support.

[AyMamita]

Pathological demand avoidance? I agree with the PP who suggested police. This is an unsafe environment for your younger DC - at least emotionally if not physically.

[Mrsrochesterscat]

Just to clarify - you need to keep safe. You will be no good to any of your DC stuck in hospital (or worse). The police are in my experience very understanding of teenagers with SN - they won't come balling in and whisk her off to court.

If it helps you come to terms with needing to do this, ring 101 during the day and ask to be out through to the youth offending team. Don't be put off by the name, they are officers who know how to approach teenagers. Ask to meet them to discuss what will happen when you have to call 999.

[perfectpeach]

I am worried about the effect of calling the police on her will have. She's already so angry with the world and thinks everyone and everything is against her. I don't think the police will scare her into behaving, but will confirm her view the world is an u just place. In her mind she is never wrong, all her behaviour is justified, everything is my fault and I'm the only exception who makes her act this way so I deserve what I get

Primary school said it was a parenting issue and paid no attention to me saying I had read every book under the sun and any form of boundaries and discipline made her lash out more

In secondary school she is always getting sent out of class and being put on report. The Dr won't refer her to cahms as he says there's no point as she steadfastly refuses to talk to any professionals

I'm trying to move her to a better school with better pastoral care but they're full though she's on a waiting list

Don't trust SS enough to ask them for help

[perfectpeach]

I know she wouldn't seriously hurt me but she's said several times she wishes me dead, drowning being her preference

[perfectpeach]

That's good advice MrsRochesterscat, I'll do that tomorrow

I'm still shaken. My youngest was hysterical, the dog panicked and was nipping my arm, he's devoted to her and I'm sure in his mind he was protecting her, she could see what he was doing and could see the youngest screaming but just continued

[Mrsrochesterscat]

Peach, I have every sympathy for you. I've been through it, along with years of being told its my parenting. She will get bigger, stronger and more determined. You are in danger. The police will do everything not to scare her.

A better school is unlikely to help, she needs specialist help. The only way I could access that help was through SS, who have been an amazing. (CAMH were no help.)

[Mrsrochesterscat]

If SS worry you as your GP to refer you to a family support worker.

[Frenchmustard7]

You have to speak to the police. If she's scared into behaving, that's fine as long as you protect yourself and youngest from attack. She needs to know its unacceptable and you can do it all with love because you care about her. It's for her own good. If you do nothing, it will get worse long term. Which is dangerous with a dog.

[Minifingers9]

perfectpeach, I'd ask for this to be moved to the teenagers board, as there's lots of good help to be had there.

I've had lots of problems with my 15 year old - nearly 4 years of it (nothing before secondary). We're still struggling, but I've learned a few things along the way - things which I've found have helped and things which haven't.

1. I second/third the advice to call the police in response to violence. In a quiet moment I told dd that we wouldn't tolerate violence and that I would call the police out if she was physical with me. And then I did. Twice. She was very unimpressed at the time, but it did seem to do the trick - it was clear we'd drawn a line in the sand about this type of abuse, and it did stop her hitting and pushing me and DH.
   

1. Let as much go as possible. I wouldn't be confiscating phones for rudeness, sarcasm, and back chat. Not if you're really dealing with PDA. That's just my view.
   

1. I'd get social services involved - we are finding them vastly more useful than CAMHS, who are shite.
   

1. Get counselling for yourself - I haven't done this and I should have done, as dd's abusive and difficult behaviour has damaged my mental health. I really haven't coped with it very well and that has spilled out onto dd's siblings. It's hard to express to someone who's never experienced it, how painful it is to be the focus of someone's hatred on a daily basis - when it's someone you love and want to help. :-(

[cestlavielife]

You need to go back to gp and say that your other child is suffering.
it isn't fair on the sibling.
Get a camhs referral.
get school counselling so she can say why she angry.
ask about parent g terns classes it can't hurt and would show you have gone down that route plus you might find from others how to get right referrals in your area.

[cestlavielife]

Parenting teens classes

[ImperialBlether]

OP, get this moved into Teenagers.

I have experience of this through a sibling, not a child, thank god. Every time you should call the police. Every single time. You need to protect yourself and protect your younger child. You shouldn't have to put up with this. Of course it goes against the grain to call the police against your own child, but your own child needs external authorities to stop her in her tracks. Even if it doesn't stop her, you need to have it registered as an assault. I am so sorry; it's an awful thing to have to put up with.

[perfectpeach]

I'm worried that if I phone the police she will turn the anger she feels towards me inwards if she can't express it at me any longer, as she's already self harmed frequently in the past. I don't want her to start again

I'm so wary and cautious, so much can set off her anger that I don't want her to get destructive towards herself again

She reacts badly towards authority and professionals anything like that will make her worse. I don't know what to do for the best

Maybe I shouldn't have confiscated the phone but I was fed up and the youngest is copying her

And she can be so mean to him at times :( which I have to pull her up on which just triggers more anger and there is absolutely no talking to her so we can't talk through things and improve them that way

The dog has to go, that much is clear. Can't find anyone or anywhere to take him though! That's causing stress. And at the same time the dog is the only being in the world she has an attachment to, so what's that going to do to her?!

Will report this and ask mnhq to move it. Thanks. And thank you for all the help and support

[Sapat]

Not sure about police. But you need to get referred to CAHMS. Tell your GP again/different one/self referral for mental health about the violence and self harm. Throw in suicidal tendencies if you have to. I got a referral within 2 weeks for my dd after years of waiting.

[Calmonthesurfacebut]

I'm so sorry this happened, I have no experience, but certainly you need to access help for you younger child's sake if nothing else.

However, please think carefully about rehoming the dog, especially if your dd is attached to it. I went through a difficult time as a teen and it was only really my dog who I felt kept me going - I don't know what I would have done if my parents gave him away - I don't want to even go there.

A lot of dogs will jump and grab when things get excitable, or heated, it isn't usually protection, more likely to be excitability, at raised voices and a change in behaviours of those around him.

[springalong]

I also have a DC who I believe is PDA, but the violence luckily has subsided at the moment. I read a lot (through the support groups on f/b) and was very struck recently by mention of a "Top Dog" in a home. The child will respond + to Top Dog but not to another adult. Sadly for me my ex is Top Dog and I am not and that forms part of the tension in my home. But do you have a partner/DH who perhaps is Top Dog? I wondered if they could help.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

AyMamita PDA is a real condition and is part of the autism spectrum so no need for the ignorant . How offensive.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

And standard "parenting classes" will not work. You need advice on specialised behaviour management if she has PDA. I would actually move this to SN children.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

And calling police will stop her in her tracks? ImperialBlether did you have experience of brother with PDA or just violent one.

Both need different approach.

[OneInEight]

Some other organisations that might be of help:

Youth Targeting Team - work with children at risk of offending in adult life. Can be referred to by school or police. DOn't know about self-referrals.

Spurgeons - can work with you or the child (if they are likely to cooperate) in behaviour management. We found them very helpful. Referral cam from social services.

You could ask for a social services assessment. They seem to take more seriously risk of harm to a sibling rather than to the parent. They can give respite if they judge the situation severe enough but their threshold level is set very high.

NAS. Run a very good anger management course (for parents not children) which we found helpful. You might not be able to access wihout a formal diagnosis but they should at least be able to point you in the direction of their literature.

"The Explosive Child" book is often recommended here and we found very helpful in developing more effective behaviour management techniques.

One of out biggest breakthroughs was gaining the understanding that the behaviour was due to anxiety rather than naughtiness which enabled us to deal with it more calmly and empathetically rather than escalating the situation.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Camelhump with respect that might me fantastic advice in another situation but you are totally ignoring the fact she probably has PDA which is part of the autism spectrum and therefore things like " standing firm" and "drawing a line" would be totally counter productive and make things worse. Not to mention the fact she isn't "playing on" anything.

I know you all want to help but this advice will cause harm.

Op I would get this deleted and ask for help from people who know about PDA and strategies to use.