Went into a rage at Teenage Son

[Andy1964]

Like most other posts here he is a typical teenager (14)
Thinks he is entitled to everything and that the trees in our garden have money growing on them.
Tidyness and organisation are a constant battle with him, it goes in one ear and out of the other.

Cut to Saturday, he spent the day round his friends. I drove him there and picked him up, round trip of about 15 miles.
While he was out DW and I emptied his bedroom, tidied up the walls where there were lots of holes from shelves, TV's, Pictures etc. Re painted (quickly), cleaned the whole room top to bottom, re laid it out so it was more functional, generally spent all day on it.
His reaction when he came back;
"It's alright"

Had a chat about keeping it tidy, laundry, crockery and rubbish.

Sunday, I happened to wander into his room to find him on his Ipad with Laundry, crockery and rubbish littering his bedroom.

Cue me telling him that this was unacceptable, he should clear it up and do the things he has to do before the things he wants to do.

Then from downstairs I hear DW having a rant too and I could hear him on quite a few occasions during the rant tell his mother to;
"Shut up Mum!"

I walk upstairs to find him in the bathroom about to brush his teeth;
"Son, I don't ever want to hear you speak to your mother like that again. I suggest you do what you have got to do and spend the rest of the day staying out of our (Me and DW) way"

All this was fairly calm until DW joined in again ranting that she was sorting it out, trying to butt in (although I probably did in the first place) and this started a disagreement between me and DW.

That's when I saw red and went into a verbal rage at him, shouting and slamming doors. (real childish behaviour)
But I'd had enough of him disrespecting the his mother and all the things she does for him.

Arghhhhhhhhhh. Teenagers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After that Sunday was a quiet day in our house

[cory]

Just a quick thought:

how much input did he have in your redecorating his room? had he asked you to do it, did he choose the colours etc, did he think the rearrangements more functional?

if he was not involved but it was something you did because you wanted it done, then maybe gratitude is a bit much to expect

fwiw I did rearrange 13yo ds' room when he was away on holiday - because I wanted it done; but I knew that's what I was doing so was willing to make do with tolerance rather than gratitude as his reaction- I knew I was invading his personal space a bit

[curlew]

Did you ask his permission before you rearranged his bedroom?

Did you knock before you "wandered into his room"?

[ihatethecold]

Teenagers seriously have to ability to tip any calm easy going parent into a rage.

When my ds13 doesn't do something that I ask after about the 3rd time. I switch his xbox/tv off and walk out.

He has to get out of his pit to switch it back on.
He then does the request I've asked.

I have been known to keep his remote for a few days when he has been a pita.
I also think he should have shown gratitude for all the effort you put into his room.

[curlew]

He shouldn't be rude but I don"5 see why he should be grateful for having his bedroom shifted round without his consent..........

[Andy1964]

Theres a bit of a back story to this.
His room was just touched up, decoration wise, just to paint over filled holes.
Most of the reason for the filled holes were where we took a 32in LCD TV off his wall.
Why? I hear you ask, because he broke it! Stabbing the screen with his finger whilst getting excited playing Xbox.
His room needed rearranging to fit a 'reserve' TV in.

I didn't exect any gratitude, I did however expect him to keep it tidy for more than 12hrs, when I walked in (door was open, we always knock if its closed) on Sunday morning to find clothes, crockery and rubbish littering his room I told him it was unacceptable.

My issue with him was the way he spoke to his mother. She's a SAHM and does loads for both children and he should have a little more respect for her and what she does for him when he contributes nothing.

[SilverApples]

She won't gain any respect from him if you step in like a parent sorting a squabble between children. He'll just see her as unable to deal with him, and having to call you in as the boss.
You need to have three or four basic rules and consequences for not following them, which you enforce calmly and consistently every time.

[Fairylea]

I agree with the previous poster. As hard as it is when he is having a go at your wife / his mum you need to let them sort it out between them. Otherwise he will come to see her as a push over and you as the parent who is in charge. You just need to back up whatever punishment or whatever your wife decides to do. As hard as it is if they are having a slanging match keep your head down and keep out of it - unless of course it becomes in any way physical and you need to separate your son which you would do calmly etc etc.

Teenagers are truly selfish and egocentric. Its not their fault, its just the way they are programmed.

It does pass.

[optimusic]

So he makes a mess, you and his mum tidy it.
He breaks his tv, you remove it, then go in a rearrange everything so he can have another tv?

Can you not see the problem here.

He has no respect for anything because he doesn't need to. He knows you will run around after him. Tidy up after him. Replace things he breaks.

[Andy1964]

optimusic

So he makes a mess, you and his mum tidy it.
He breaks his tv, you remove it, then go in a rearrange everything so he can have another tv?

Can you not see the problem here.

He has no respect for anything because he doesn't need to. He knows you will run around after him. Tidy up after him. Replace things he breaks.

I know! I can see what's going wrong. We can both see what's going wrong. We need to find a compromise to teenage parenting between us.
I'm too tough, DW is too soft. We both admit it, we just need to sort it out but you know how it is, anything for an easy life.

[Andy1964]

SilverApples

I get that! Thank's

One of the issues is also that when his mother is ranting at him he walks away and she continues to rant, to herself.
I find it quite rude that he walks away but DW seems to be ok with it, I guess the rant gets it off of her chest.

[Andy1964]

Oh, And I know I dealt with it like a teenager myself.
We are all prone to being plonkers, esprcially when it comes to parenting

[TallulahTwinkle]

Is he your oldest? Our oldest is 15yo ds and it is such a learning curve. Situation sounds similar to ours at times.

No helpful advice but watching the thread!

[alemci]

I would shut the door on his room and walk away. you and dw should let him get on with it. if he makes mess then let him deal with it.

just because your dw is a sahm doesn't mean she has to revolve her life around clearing up after him.

I have a ds who is 16. he is no angel but will clear up and do things for himself.

[Andy1964]

alemci

I said the self same thing to DW but she can't bring herself to do it.
It would take a week before he ran out of clothes, couldn't get into his bedroom because of the rubbish on the floor.

When I got home from work last night I went up to see him and his school uniform was just strewn over the floor where he took it off.

"Hang your uniform up son"

He is our eldest btw

Youngest (10) keeps out of the way, lol, he's learning.

[SilverApples]

' we just need to sort it out but you know how it is, anything for an easy life.'

I agree, I like an easy life too. But it's not making your life any easier, is it? Or creating a calm and smoothly functioning home for all the residents?
I found that having a few basic rules that were for everyone helped a lot towards making life easier.
Pick your fights, think of three things that you need to change and have a clear idea of what will be the consequence if they don't.
Then stick to them. Don't make it too draconic, you need to keep the big guns for big problems. At the moment you seem to have a bad-mannered oik.
The sooner that changes the better, or you will have an unmanageable adult that you will end up throwing out of the house.

[alemci]

believe me I totally undertand. had 2 eds and they were messy. I have mellowed with ds as he's the only 1 living at home.

I gave up with yd. her room was terrible and the mess affected the rest of the house.

I bet it is hard for you dw as she is there much more. do his washing and meals but be vacant if he needs a lift or cash etc.

[ormirian]

Please don't do that!! I hate it when H decides I am not being strict enough when I am dealing with it my OWN WAY! H barges in and bellows and then seems to think he is backing me up. It isn't back-up, it's undermining. The 'way he speaks to his mum' is an issue for her to deal with not you.

And not taking his crockery downstairs etc BEFORE he relaxes is a timing issue. He should do what you ask but there is no reason why he has to do it WHEN you expect him to.

And lastly a teenagers room should be his castle to a certain extent. If I choose to invade DS1's room I might chunter about the mess a little but I won't get angry with him. I know that eventually he will tidy it up and the plates will get taken downstairs - but on his timescale not mine.

Annoying? Yes, sometimes but not that dreadful in the grand scheme of things.

I'd rather have a relaxed easy-going relationship with the teenagers in my house than have them jump to it like soldiers on parade and be miserable and resentful.



Sorry op. I can see you were doing what you thought best. Do you think there is a bit of males clashing antlers going on in your house?

[Andy1964]

ormirian

"Do you think there is a bit of males clashing antlers going on in your house?"

You could be right there. I've got a motorcycle helmet, I think I may need to don it for our next testostorone clash ;)

And I note the rest of your post, that's pretty much what DW said.

He's a nice kid most of the time but he's un organised, messy, has little respect.......
Hang on, I'm describing a typical teenager there, lol

[ButThereAgain]

I pretty much agree with ormirian's post.

Although it is fine and necessary to expect certain standards from him, I get the impression that you aren't really respecting his space. I did cringe a bit at the take-over operation in his room while he was at a friend's. Too generous, if it was gratuitously replacing stuff he broke, but also too controlling. My 14 y.o. painted his room himself and he always chooses the lay-out of the room. Your kindness and your control are all bound together in a way that makes what you do for him hard for him to acknowledge with more than minimal thanks through gritted teeth.

Be firm with him by leaving him do things for himself where possible. And when you do things for him, don't let that be a strategy for imposing your will.

Also, your opening post did very much suggest that you aren't really respecting your DW either. In your words she "rants" "butts in" (even you had been the first to butt in) and creates disagreement. It might be good to have a quiet chat together about how you will deal with future flashpoints.

[ButThereAgain]

(when I say he chooses the lay-out of his room, I mean he does it himself, from time to time, whenever he fancies a change. I don't go tugging furniture around in his room. It's his place not mine.)

[SilverApples]

DS left his sandwich plates in his room several times, he got a reminder, then a firm reminder. Then I didn't buy bacon for a fortnight.
Same with bottles and tins, leave them in your room to fester, it's off the shopping list. No conflict, and it stopped being a problem years ago.
Both bacon a
When he's being a 'typical teenager' what consequences are there for unacceptable behaviour, other than being shouted at?

[SilverApples]

Meant to say, bacon and drinks went back on the list once he made the connection.

[cory]

I think I would do what other posters suggest and quietly tiptoe away from his room averting my eyes.

It is, as they say, his castle. Also, at this age, he should be getting used to making his own decisions and facing the consequences.

If he runs out of clothes- that's his problem. Let him get detention for not wearing his uniform properly, let his mates take the mickey out of him for looking unkempt.

I agree with that ButThereAgain said about being at the same time too generous and too controlling. Generous and controlling is what we do to smaller children. He needs reassurance that you are beginning to view him as a grown-up. If you had a friend who kept his house untidy you would not be barging in to sort him out, would you?

By all means, be firm about communal spaces, and about things that might affect hygiene/attract rats etc- in other words, things that directly affect you. But for the rest, try to be a little less helpful.

[Andy1964]

ButThereAgain

Don't paint it that bleakly

"I get the impression that you aren't really respecting his space"
His room is his own, we never disturb him uninvited and always knock before we go in

"take-over operation in his room while he was at a friend's"
^Because he had broken his TV and previously we had moved shelves etc around we spoke to him about helping out but he decided he would go round his friends, so it was not exactly a tak over operation. I should have made that clearer in my OP.

"minimal thanks through gritted teeth"
We were not expecting thanks, just that he kept his room tidy for more than 12 hrs, it would have shown a little self respect if nothing else

"Also, your opening post did very much suggest that you aren't really respecting your DW either"
I find this comment quite harsh! I admit I butted in where I should not have done, I won't be doing so in future but saying that I don't really repect my DW is taking things a little too far TBH. Don't we all make cocks (or fannies) of ourselves in the heat of the moment occasionally

[Bradsplit]

just dont let him have food there.