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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

14 year old DD has suddenly decided to go and live with her dad and refuses to talk to me

69 replies

BaconFrazzles · 28/10/2013 14:24

As per the title really :(

I split from her dad when she was 20 months. She is now almost 15. Her dad was emotionally and physically abusive towards me, and has always tried to get one over on me by having no rules or boundaries at his house for DD. He pays a pittance each month in maintenance, but thinks for that that DD shouldn't have to do any chores in the house and that DD should be allowed to do as she pleases, whether that's telling DH and I to F**k off, staying up all night on the computer, or watching unsuitable films. He only sees her twice a month and has wanted no other involvement in her life, and sees everything else as 'my' job (although he is quick to have a go at me when he disagrees with my parenting). His family are the same as him.

I met DH when DD was 3 and DH has been a fantastic dad to her. We have two other children who are aged 9 and 4. We are very liberal parents and aren't strict at all (although we do have rules and boundaries about the important things IMO). DD has a great life; she has lots materially, gets taken on holidays, lifts wherever and whenever she wants them, friends round whenever she wants etc. DD has quite a selfish personality, and tends to prefer whoever lets her do as she pleases. She hates doing chores in the house and hates any rules.

She had 3 detentions at school last week. It started with one and snowballed to three as she hadn't done homework and kept refusing to go to detentions. This culminated in her having a 2 hour long detention on Friday night after school. She wanted me to phone the school and say she couldn't do it, but I refused to as IMO she deserved the detention, and she threw an almighty strop. As punishment for her behaviour, we decided she could have no internet time for the next few days, and also that we would like to check her homework diary each day to make sure she is doing homework (we have had calls from her teachers saying she hasn't been doing homework)

She stayed with her dad for the weekend and suddenly last night her dad phoned me up and had a big go at me saying DD isn't happy and I'll have to 'tread carefully' or DD will end up 'hating me' and living with him. I said that if she wants to live with him then that is her decision but I won't be told that I'm a bad parent when I'm not. He said some awful things about me and DH. DD was meant to come home today and now the ex has phoned me today and said DD is going to live with him now and doesn't want to speak to me again.

My DD2 (aged 9) is so upset. DD1 sent her a message saying she 'hopes to see DD2 again one day'. DD1 won't speak to me or answer any of my texts or calls. Her dad says he's coming here tonight at 6 to get all her stuff.

I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. Her dad has said there is no point seeking legal advice as the non-resident parent has more rights than the resident one. Also he lives in a town 30 miles away. DD has just started GCSEs. God knows how she is going to get to school each day. Also he doesn't agree with discipline, or school rules, so no doubt things will go pear shaped for her at school.

Anyone got any advice? Have I just got to accept it?

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notanyanymore · 28/10/2013 14:29

i would seek legal advice despite what he says.
i think perhaps send her a text telling her you love her very much, that you are available day or night if she wishes to talk or come home. other then that i think she's throwing a teenage strop and being a drama queen. i imagine she'll come out of it given time. i would try to make sure she knows you are there to support her and will be available when she wishes to engage. i wouldn't get into any fights or arguments with either her or her dad.