Tactile Older Women and Teen Boys

[SuperiorCat]

This is a weird one...I've noticed a change in the way some women are reacting to almost 15yo DS and his friends, I thought it was just my imagination but even (ASD) DS who is pretty socially clueless has commented on it.

Typical example seems to be when I drop DD off at dancing, I do it en route to taking DS and his friend to Cadets - one week they were in their ceremonial uniform so looked older and I guess quite masculine, and some of the other mums were almost flirting with them - very complimentary, patting their arms etc, and there is the odd near the knuckle comment said to make them blush.

Another time the boys were talking about when a gang threatened and chased DS' friend and one of the Mums hugged him - kind of reminded me of the way Nurse Gladys used to hug Granville in Open All Hours for anyone else old enough to remember.

It's all very innocent on the face of it, but DS' said yesterday "Ugh they are embarrassing me" - his friend said he quite liked the attention, but I think if it were adult men and a teenage DD I would feel extremely uncomfortable about it.

DH reckons it is probably my friends reminded of their teen years and just having fond memories of their youth

I was going to name change but thought I'd be accused of being a teen boy trolling. I just wondered if anyone else had noticed a change in behaviour from their friends (especially if they haven't got teen boys themselves)

[chocoluvva]

Wow.

I might tell DS's friends that they were handsome if they were going to the school dance I suppose but I would be horrified if I made them think I was flirting.

Once I accidentally grabbed the knee of my DD's male friend when he was sitting in the front passenger seat and promptly apologised in as light a way as I could.

No no no.

A couple of my friends have commented that my DD is attractive but I think that's partly to be an ego boost to me as I'm very plain and have no confidence in my appearance.

[flow4]

Honestly...? Well, I can imagine childless women and some with very young children might flirt. When I was (16+ years) younger, and my own eldest DS was a toddler, I can remember catching myself finding a friend's 17yo son attractive and telling myself it wasn't on. Then, as my son reached adolescence himself, I noticed teenage boys just weren't attractive to me any more - they were far too like my own son - but 20+ young men still were. Now DS1 is 18, and now you mention it, I realise I'm no longer finding the 20-something's attractive either... Well maybe the 28+s - tho' I'm no fool and don't imagine for a moment they'd be interested in me, who's now (oh my goodness, really?! ) 30 years older!

I kind of thought there must be some sensible biological instinct going on, that stopped you being attracted to people about your own DC's age (plus about 8 years)... If so, presumably people without children don't have this instinct...? Dunno...

[SuperiorCat]

Chocca I would cringe if I thought they thought I was trying to flirt with them. In fact I have given up trying to chat to DS' friends for fear of embarrassing him - which my very presence seems to permanently do

I get what you mean about not finding those slightly older than your DCs attractive flow4 - whilst a late 20s Mum of an 8yo DD might find a strapping 6' rugby playing teen attractive, those of us who have to muck out their rooms / enforce hygiene rules know what they are really like.

Actually I'm not sure it is even attraction, they just seem to go a bit umm hand-maiden-y iyswim? Kind of fawning over them and vying for attention.

[flow4]

Well that isn't attractive behaviour at any age, imo!

[Pagwatch]

To be honest I woud find the women in particular a bit weird.
I have a 20 year old boy and a 16 year old boy.
The eldest one is tbh extremely handsome and people tell him that to hs face which he finds excruciating, but it is usually in a matter of fact way.

I know one mum who flirts ridiculously with ds1 and his peers but frankly she's weird.

I think people comment upon young men growing up, becoming adult, more easily than they do young women. I think it's 'gosh, look at you getting all manly' rather than anything else.
Tbh if you don't do it, most people on here would thinkit odd, and others with teenagers haven't experienced 'flirty/hand maideny' behaviour I wonder if you are minterpreting?

[SuperiorCat]

I could well be misinterpreting it Pag, and it is just other mums being friendly - I wouldn't have really noticed were it not for DS mentioning it.

And yes the hand maiden stuff is cringey.

[Pagwatch]

It does sound cringy.
The woman that flirts with DS1 and his friend is just awful - I want a cushion to hide behind. She even does Facebook flity messages. ['embarressed for her' face]

[chocoluvva]

Oh dear.

Great idea for a cringey face emoticon.

[Eyesunderarock]

Yes, it has caused DS trouble in the past. 18, tall, dark, handsome and polite. We talked about it last year, when some of his peers not classed as friends were getting cuddly, and then he shared a few confusing instances of older women being too touchy-feely.
He says 'Please let go of me now, and don't touch me again' in a flat, low Aspie monotone.
They sometimes get huffy, but he doesn't care and prefers it to them hugging, patting or generally touching. The verbal flirting tends to go over his head, he just takes it literally and responds in kind. If embarrassed, he just walks off.
Weird and creepy from a mother's POV sometimes.

[alreadytaken]

haven't noticed and certainly wouldn't dream of touching a teenage friend of my DC (boy or girl), unless they were very distressed about something. A hug for a distressed child doesn't seem unreasonable, but I don't remember Open All Hours. I might make a comment to make a teenager blush but only very rarely and probably only if they were being a pain. Seems very strange.

[Eyesunderarock]

DS has had good advice from DD, 4 years older than him and somewhat experienced at repelling unwanted attention of various sorts from members of the opposite sex.
It's not always a full on 'Come to bed little virgin' problem. Sometimes it's just over-friendliness that makes the recipient uncomfortable that the instigator might be unaware of.
FWIW, in my head I'm still an elfin size 8 with long, raven locks and fabulous skin. The intervening 30+ years have yet to impact on my self-image.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Yep, had to stop myself flirting with my best mates son (he's 23) and I hadn't seen him for a couple of years.

The words 'god aren't you good looking now' had slipped out my mouth before I caught myself though

[Eyesunderarock]

Like I said, sometimes it's unintentional.

[SuperiorCat]

Laurie I can understand that, but it is following it up with a comment like "Oooh aren't you muscly and strong" accompanied with a stroking of the arm; or patting the knee when sitting down.

And hugging a distressed / tearful child is one thing, but he was neither of those at the time as the incident had happened some time before, and it wasn't an arm round the shoulder, pat on the head kind of thing, it was more clasping him to her bosom.

And it probably is done innocently, it is just if it was a Dad doing it to a teenage girl it would be inappropriate.

[Eyesunderarock]

Why not try giving him a one-liner to help him disengage?
'Please don't touch me' for example.
How about raised eyebrows and 'Excuse me?' to any inappropriate comments.
How would you want a teenage DD to deal with it, from a father?

[Eyesunderarock]

Sorry, DS is an Aspie and if he feels uncomfortable or threatened, he used to respond aggressively. We've done a lot of work on how to handle situations without getting physical, or too honest.
To avoid situations such as the episode in Y9 when he dumped a hugging girl over a fence to stop her. She ignored the verbal bit, she thought he was playing hard to get.

[Pagwatch]

I took DS1 into town a few weeks ago and bumped into a woman who I know via our daughters
She said 'hello - is this really your son? Oh my goodness you are so handsome! Would you like to meet my daughter - you would be the most amazing looking couple'
I was
Ds1 laughed and said 'I am sure she is lovely'

I can't tell that story in RL because it would embaress DS and it sounds implausible even in my head but it really happened. She apologised next time I saw her, although there was no need. But it kind of illustrates how innocently awkward we are when dealing with the peers of our DC.

I do wonder 2 things
Firstly what would she have done if ds1 said 'yeah, sounds good. Set it up'
Secondly does she realise that what she said boiled down to incredulity that a short arse troll like me could have produced a handsome child

[ClartyCarol]

If it was a grown man getting flirty and touchy feely with teenage girls there would be ructions! I think it's another example of how society expects men, (both young and older), to always be 'up for it' and glad of female attention. The reactions of the media to female teachers having affairs with teenage boys is different to men with girls.

It's a shame these boys aren't cheeky confident enough to do a bored eye roll and drawl " Oh my God, you fancy yourself as some sort of cougar or something?'. That would put them in their place.

[SuperiorCat]

YY Clarty, although to be fair, DS' friend is sex obsessed atm and does get a thrill out of it - his words. And I guess that is at the heart of it, women aren't seen as a threat, and any contact would be seen as nurturing or comfort and teenage boys are supposedly a walking erection who would enjoy any action they get, but the latter is not the case.

Pag that woman is crazy

[alreadytaken]

isn't putting your arms round someone how you usually hug them? But if a teenager was distressed I'd suggest to my DC that they hugged them rather than doing so myself. I would see it as more odd for men to hug than women as women normally do the comforting.

Perhaps teach both sexes to say "you're making me feel uncomfortable" or just do the shocked recoil.

[Eyesunderarock]

Oh, don't get me wrong. There is a lot of hugging in my extended family, and amongst my children and their friends.
It's not hugs in general that are creepy, just when people cross boundaries inappropriately. I don't see why it's any different for a boy than for a girl.
If the contact makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason, their feelings should be respected.

[Pagwatch]

In fairness she is pretty batty SuperiorCat
I wonder what her poor DD would make of it?

[SuperiorCat]

Lemon I snorted at that. That is absolutely perfect.

[flow4]

This thread is making me think... My DS2 is very good looking, and since birth has attracted comments from women (my friends and complete strangers) such as "Goodness, aren't you handsome!" and "You're going to be breaking hearts!". It has always made me vaguely uncomfortable, because I don't want him growing up to be one of those vain, arrogant, self-regarding men who never gave women like me a second glance - IMO, as he grows older (he's 13 now) there's an increasingly fine line between giving a young person lovely compliments and fluffing up a male ego...