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Step Parent Break up he doesn’t want to see my child, advice please on anyone who has experience with this situation x

(37 Posts)
IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 11:19:09

Hello everyone, this is my first post on netmums. Don’t have a great friends circle for advice so hoping for some on here.
I broke up with my sons biological dad when he was a baby due to drink problems/stress/incompatibility when he was under 1 year old. I always carry that guilt although he has a good relationship with the child and has stayed in his life thank god.
Very soon after that break up I reconnected with a past boyfriend who worked away as a lorry driver most of our relationship and has only been home more the last year or so and has build a fairly good relationship with my son, my son thinks the world of this man (my son is 4 years old).
Long story short, our relationship hasn’t been great since day one it’s been on/off a couple time’s a year, seems like every right we have had this last year or so (since he moved in with me) he has wanted to break up after each fight or sign of conflict.
I am quite an emotionally unavailable girlfriend to him and I’m unsure why really, maybe because of past issues.
He broke up with me last night again saying he can’t continue as we don’t get on and there was harsh words exchanged infront of my son- which I have always tried not to argue infront of him because my boyfriend uses foul language at me to express his anger so I put a stop to it, obviously not doing so well on that part now. My partner is quite secretive and I have reason not to trust him which has affected our relationship, I guess my insecurities have destroyed the most part of it. He maintains all of the issues I bring up are in my head or not true or over reacting.
My main reason for this thread is that he doesn’t want to see my son if we are broke up because he doesn’t want to see me or be involved with me because of his own hurt over the breakup.
Part of me understands why but my son will be devastated!
He was before over our last break up when I told the child my boyfriend wasn’t doing to be back. I’d of never of said that if I thought he would be.
We got back together after that (only few months ago) and he was talking about engagement. Though it’s come to light nothing has changed with him and he’s still carrying his destructive ways when we argue. I know I am not perfect either and do not claim to be. But I think respect is very important in a relationship and especially do not want my son to hear him telling me to F off or f up or call me names in arguments. It’s more hurtful to me that he does it infront of my son than that he actually says it if you know what I mean.
I love my son to death and feel an emmense amount of guilt that he will have to go through this separation with me in the fact he won’t see my partner again.
He walked out on us last night and my son ran to him to ask where he was going and he said I am clearly not wanted here. My son was so confused and I told my partner he was disgusting for saying that to him. Feel like my son has been though so much already at his age. I try so hard to keep my relationship/life problems away from him as he is so young and precious. But this time it’s just not going to be that easy. My boyfriend and my child have not always had the best relationship, it’s took a lot of work for my partner to bond with my child which was always an issue to me, I felt like he was jealous in a sense, they have got on better as of lately, I’ve had to work hard on that.
There’s a lot more to my situation/relationship/story. Just don’t want to rant on anymore.
Would like some advice please on what to say to my child when he brings up my partners name again and asks why he hasn’t seem him, hearts broke for him 🙁 and can’t help but feel responsible.

OP’s posts: |
IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 11:28:58

Forgot to mention we rely on him quite heavily financially since I only work part time. 😕

OP’s posts: |
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 Mon 04-Nov-19 11:35:23

Why would you what this type of man around you're child, hes done you a favour start claiming benefits you're entitled and removed this waste of space for good. He is not a good example for you're son.

IfNot Mon 04-Nov-19 11:37:36

Uh -huh.
On the teeny off chance that this is real:
1. This is Mumsnet
2. Your son has "been through a lot" because you have been prioritising your relationship with a man over him
3. Stop relying on rubbish men financially.
4. You and your son are way better off never seeing this man again as he sounds angry and abusive
5. Your son will barely remember this man in 6 months

AutumnCrow Mon 04-Nov-19 11:44:28

You tell your son is age-appropriate language that mommy's sorry but you can't be friends with X any more because he wasn't nice to mummy and we're not friends with people who aren't nice.

Then you keep your son AWAY from this man, and focus on your son and your own self-esteem and good mental health.

Research the benefit system where you live / work & childcare / asking relatives for help / getting child support from your son's dad. Are you in Ireland or UK?

IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 11:47:03

What do you mean by 1. This is Mumsnet. Maybe I shouldn’t have post here but was just looking for advice.
The main reason why I took my partner back the last time was because my son missed him so much. I’ve never prioritised him over my son that’s why we have had so many issues as I don’t think he can come to terms with being second to my child.
Although he has never spoke this outright.
I came on here looking for advice on what to say to my son now he’s gone again. He will not forget in 6 months either as he has been in his life for nearly 4 years now.

OP’s posts: |
IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 11:50:43

@AutumnCrow thank you for your advice, I had spoke to my child in that manner after X left last night- he replied but he is my friend mummy. I just had to say I am sorry.
I honestly only wanted to give my child a family at home and 90% of the time we were ok. Just that 10% that I can’t tolerate. There’s obviously anger issues in his part that he needs to work on.
It’s my sons heart I’m trying to protect at this stage.

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QueenofPain Mon 04-Nov-19 11:51:30

Feel like my son has been though so much already at his age.

You are completely responsible for this by allowing these adverse experiences into his life. Get this man gone, sort yourself out and focus on your son. You son will get over it, just don’t keep having this bloke back, or any others for a good long time.

IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 11:52:47

N,Ireland. I am receiving the tax credits but I’m not entitled to housing or other benefits than child benefit. That’s why his money helped immensely with rent especially.

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halloweenismyseason Mon 04-Nov-19 11:53:08

Op if your ds wants sweets at bed time and cake are you going to give it to him??? NO
This guy is bad and you need to leave him alone for good. Before your son learns to treat you like shit as well.

Wait 2 months to tell your ds. Any sooner and your confuse him if you do get back together.
Tell him he's working away - make it sound fun and in 6 months he will forget about him, he will not remember him as much as he did because children soak in so much information that your ex will get push out,

QueenofPain Mon 04-Nov-19 11:53:52

How many reliable credible memories do you have from when you were four? Your son will get over it, so long as you don’t keep having him back, or he doesn’t keep having the same experience with your future partners.

OnlineShopping Mon 04-Nov-19 11:54:27

I agree that you are prioritising your relationship over that with your son.

He is four. Considering how on and off things have been, he probably won’t remember him for long. DD1 absolutely loved her preschool friends when she left in July. She started school in September and couldn’t even remember them outside of the fact she had been at preschool with them.

Look after your son.

IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 11:56:49

@QueenofPain what I meant by that is that I broke up with his own dad because he was an alcoholic/ drug abuser at that time, my son is not aware of this but I broke it off before it could affect him. His dad is in a much better place now in his life and doesn’t drink anymore and has a good relationship with the child.
It’s only since my partner moved in that he has seen this type of behaviour. That’s why I’m asking for advice on how to deal with my sons hurt as I remove a man he loves out of his life. I am fully aware this can’t go on any longer whether my son wants him to stay or not 😔

OP’s posts: |
huuskymam Mon 04-Nov-19 12:05:40

Your son will get over this but not if you keep confusing him by taking him back.

ColaFreezePop Mon 04-Nov-19 12:18:25

Your ex is not your son's biological father and as you are not married he has absolutely no responsibility towards your son at all.

You need to stand on your own two feet and stop relying on rubbish men.

As PPs said your son won't remember him properly in 6 months and you can help by telling him some of the things they have said.

If your son ever brings up your ex in years to come you tell him an age appropriate version of the truth.

IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 12:33:32

I have honestly not been through anything like this before and appreciate the advice. Age appropriate explanations yes and I will. I thought perhaps someone who has been through a similar situation could Perhaps advocate on whether that was the only option or should i try a different approach you know. My son is going to hurt from the separation whether I explain to him or not the situation and I am responsible for not breaking up with this man years ago. False hope that things would get better and seeing there bond grow stronger.

OP’s posts: |
sassbott Mon 04-Nov-19 13:56:47

Honestly? I understand where you are and I have been through similar. My blunt response?

You’re projecting your feelings onto your son, I did the same with my children.
Your child is 4 and he will transition incredibly quickly to this man being gone. In the main because his father is very much present and available. He is this child’s mainstay, not your ex partner.

What he will not handle is being told you’re over and then in 2 months you’re back together.
So my advice is hold off on any explanations until you know in your absolute heart of hearts that this is over. He asks? You say he’s busy with work and driving lots. A child of 4 will accept it.

Anger issues? You hardly see them which is why it’s only 10%. Live with this man and you’ll see far more of them.

You say you have issues yourself? Well I’d focus on those. Self care. Self love. Provide your own stability for your son along with his father. You cannot he off / on every 5 minutes when children are involved. That is more destabilising than anything.

sassbott Mon 04-Nov-19 13:59:37

Oh, and rip this plaster and get rid of this man ASAP. My ex partner and I broke up and we still from time to time see each other’s children. That may in time naturally stop, but neither of us are prepared to simply disappear from the lives of these children. That’s called being a proper grown up and being able to think about others needs ahead of your own.

If anyone did that to my kids, I wouldn’t want to hear anything from them again and I’d move heaven and earth to get myself financially independent. Money is money. Love from a child is priceless. Let this man go.

IrishMum25 Mon 04-Nov-19 14:36:16

@sassbott thank you

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Annaminna Mon 04-Nov-19 15:12:32

You are projecting your feelings on to your son.
He is only reflecting your feelings. He wants that man to say because he believes you want that man to stay. He is calling that man a friend because his mum is in love with that guy.

and why you want your son to have a relationship with an abuser?
because you can have his money for rent?

Your son is learning now from you, that an abuser can be called a friend. It should not be like that. Your job is to teach him what friend is. Friend isn't someone who is using foul language towards you/him. Friends don't make you feel bad. Friends don't make you sad and cry.

Your son will loose (real)friends during his life time. I am sure you lost friends as well. He has to learn that if someone walks out of your door its not the end of his world. You can move on and find better friends.

aSofaNearYou Tue 05-Nov-19 09:05:40

My God, your ex by no means sounds perfect given his anger issues but I have to say it is really not hard to see why he doesn't want to stay! You phrase it as if his "jealousy" of your son is unfounded and yet absolutely everything is about your son: his emotions are rebuffed as he shouldn't be expressing them around your son, you think it's wrong of him to leave because your son won't cope, your son relies on him financially. Can you not see why he might be tired of dealing with that? You describe yourself as emotionally unavailable yet expect him to constantly prioritise your son at all times for the privilege of being with someone who is cold and unavailable. I would advise you to think hard about that before entering into more relationships because being emotionally unavailable and also coming with the baggage of a small child and putting the responsibility (financial and emotional) for that onto your partner is unlikely to make for a successful relationship, it is not one many would want to stay in. He may have been a terrible partner but it sounds like you have been, too.

Aside from that, as others have said, just stop taking him back. An on/off relationship will be much more confusing for him than just not seeing someone he has only had a good relationship with for a year. I think this case is a very good argument for keeping your child and partner separate for a longer time before introducing them and starting to mix together. You need to actually relate to your boyfriend as a romantic partner rather than an unwilling pseudo-coparent and you also need to be in a position where if it doesn't work out your son won't be hurt.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory Tue 05-Nov-19 09:09:43

Christ. More women throwing their DC into the arms of unsuitable men. Yay. hmm

whyamidoingthis Tue 05-Nov-19 09:36:20

You say you are putting your son first but if you were, you wouldn't have moved in with someone with whom you were having an on/off relationship in the first place.

I think pp's are right in that you should just explain to your ds that relationships don't always work out. It's sad but it is best, as ex is not always nice, that you won't see him again. However, you need to mean this and not get back with him again. From what you're saying, he doesn't sound like he's particularly nice to your son anyway, so why would you want him in your life?

I would advise trying to deal with your own issues before getting into another relationship. You really shouldn't be introducing men to your ds until the relationship is pretty well established. It's too confusing otherwise.

A relative of mine used to do this. Every time there was a new man, he was introduced to her dd within weeks. It was completely selfish on her part. If her dd was involved, she could have the new guy stay over and her dd didn't affect her lifestyle unduly. They were generally not great men and the relationships were pretty poor examples to her dd. Her dd is now an adult and is making poor relationship choices and my relative wonders why!

FunOnTheBeach20 Tue 05-Nov-19 12:44:38

Dump the man, focus on parenting. Don’t get with another deadbeat.

sugarbum Tue 05-Nov-19 13:04:11

By 'This is mumsnet' she is referring to the fact that you started your OP by calling the site 'netmums'. That doesn't go down well with the mumsnetters grin

You feel responsible because you ARE responsible. But that's ok, it is, you're human. As long as you sort it out from here onwards.

What you need to grasp is that its up to you to provide your little one with a stable upbringing. No-one else. He has a dad, one who is present from what you say, which is more than a lot of other kids have.
Other posters are saying he'll be forgotten completely, and he probably will, but he might not be. I remember being a little older than this (5) and my life changing hugely and being consumed by the fear that things would change. 4 years olds want stability. His life has been disrupted and he will be confused and possibly panicking a bit that mummy might go somewhere too. So don't offer information other than reassurance that mummy is always there for him. If and when he asks about bloke, tell him that he is no longer mummies friend. He doesn't need to know more than that.
Do not try and rekindle anything. You are completely incompatible. He can't control his verbal abuse and you sound clingy and insecure. Remove drama from your life for a while and try and sort out you and your child.

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