Disneyland dads? Anyone else?

[Keykeche]

Hello all.

I have two boys, aged 11 and 9 from previous marriage. My DH has a son from previous marriage. We have a 3 year old daughter together.

All in all we are good. Have been together for 6 years. DH is a great dad and a stepdad for boys.

Problems start when his son comes over. He is a nice kid, no better or worse than most of the kids his age. Having a close gap all boys are kinda similar.
All can be great, wingy, mean, helpful and etc. Normal pre teenage behaviour.

But what drives me crazy is DHs attitude to my SS. According to him, he does no evil, sees no evil, says no evil.
When there are only my older boys with us, he disciplines them (rightly so), tells them off, makes them do chores. Sometimes is mean to them (I guess we all snap). Normal parent behaviour.
But when SS comes over, my DH NEVER tells him off, never makes him do things, his son is always right and generally he has a view that his son is a perfect boy.
Which he is not. He is a normal pre teenage kid, with ups and downs. And he needs discipline like all the other boys.
Most of the times I feel like a bad cop of the family.
I’m reasonably strict with DS1 and DS2 and DD. I am exactly the same towards SS. ALL of the kids love me and respect me.

But DH goes from normal parent to Disneyland dad every time his son stays over.
I can deal with it for short periods of time, managing the situation and explaining my sons why DS changes attitude. But 6 weeks of summer holidays are challenging.
If I mention anything to DH - he blows up and we have a major argument.
What makes me mad the most is that other kids see this change and obviously ask questions.

I do have to say that DH is generally great with all the kids and is wonderful. His son stays with us all the holidays and due to distance DH goes to where he lives (rents a hotel) every month for a week.

Anyone had a success explaining their DH that this is not right?

[peonyfairy03]

I have the same thing Christmas was classic example my DS and his friend playing football in the lounge (I know they shouldn’t have been) a vase from Ikea got broke it was £2.00 DH got really cross shouted at my son and made him cry and spoilt what was a nice night with friends and family, however when his son came to stay at Christmas he was kicking a ball about in lounge a expensive lamp got broke and he didn’t say anything to his son and just said accidents happen. I was fuming and we had a huge argument my DS obviously felt DH don’t like him and actually I thought the same. I spoke to my counsellor (seeing her because of a abusive ExH) about this as I was ready to walk. She said it is a guilt thing don’t want to tell his son off as he don't see him much and feels guilty he misses so much of his life. His Ex left him when his DS was 2 moved 500 miles away so only see him in holidays if it fits. He also has a DD that was a rebound OLD date! I think it comes down to when he has his children he just wants the fun and not to be grumpy telling them off. I was fuming and it took me along time to get over the lamp incident I wouldn’t have minded if he told his son off the same as mine. He did apologise and said he overstepped the mark and he has never told my son off again.

[Keykeche]

Thank you for your answer. We have EXACTLY the same situation.

My DH gave me for MY birthday two blow up garden chairs. When SS jumped on it (he is a big boy) he blew it up. My DH said nothing. “Accidents happen.” I agree, and I wasn’t too cross either, as kids are kids.
But when DS1/2 accidentally break things - it’s always a tragedy.

I understand why this is happening.

Doesn’t make it any less annoying.

[peonyfairy03]

I know and the it’s the main cause of arguments he thinks I should discipline my children far stricter than he does his and it annoys the hell out of me. I think it should all be fair.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

I have had this for years with my dh. It boils down to the fact he is terrified of ‘loosing’ his kids, whereas he has no such fear with mine- because he loves his more.

I think scenarios like this are why step parenting is so hard. I wish I had an answer- at least you have a good relationship with all the kids which is brilliant. Of course it should all be fair. When “our” 5 were younger we went on a month long holiday all together- how I married him after that g-d knows. They are all adults now and he still terrified of saying no to his.. not mine of course!

[peonyfairy03]

You have hit the nail on the head he thinks if he says no to them they won’t want to come and he sees the two 500 miles away so little anyway.

[Sunandrainallconfusedhere]

At 12 +14 my ds's went nc with their df due to his lack of parenting...
Their choice.

[user1493413286]

In the past my DH has been like this; it’s definitely stemmed from the guilt he feels that he doesn’t live with DSD and wanting to make sure she enjoys the time she is with us and wants to come back.
In the past couple of years DSD has become more cheeky and demanding towards him and that seems to have shocked him into realising that if he doesn’t parent her then this will be how it goes; he’s now much firmer with her and has realised she still wants to visit and the time with her is just as fun

[swingofthings]

You need to note specific examples and when his ds has gone home, when you are between yourself and quite chilled out, bring the conversation up and when he start to argue, mention calmly the specific examples, especially when he acted/said one thing to yuor kids but something totally different to his ds in the same circumstances.

[HeckyPeck]

He’s very unlikely to change his parenting.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to tell my children off.

He’s obviously not capable of being fair so he’s to not get involved. Otherwise it’s going to be really damaging for your children to be treated so unfairly.

[Smilebehappy123]

What makes me laugh is that as a mother you let this go on. No way a male
Who isn’t my daughters father (or her father for that matter ) would ever treat my child like a second class citizen in their own home . Why on earth do you let your husband be shitty to your kids ?? It is 1000 per cent your responsibility to protect your children sorry but I just wouldn’t accept it , no thanks

[QueenCoconut]

Yes, can I join the club please...
My DH is not only a Disney dad , he seems to undergo a full personality transplant every time his dc come to visit.
It is obviously much more difficult now during summer holidays as we have them half of the time as opposed to EOW.
He is so focused on them that I think he might have actually forgotten that he also has a wife and two seconds. He even ‘puts them to bed’ sitting in their room waiting for them to fall asleep (8 and 10 years old).

[QueenCoconut]

Two sdc’s not two seconds - sorry

[Keykeche]

Thank you all for your replies.

I’ll try to talk to him when we have some time to ourself. While SS is here it all just will lead to a huge argument.

Just a note about treating my kids shitty. HE does NOT do that. When he had some arguments with them before, I stopped it in the bud. They are with us 80% of the time and he is a great dad. He is not unfair to them. If they are good, and they are good most of the time, he rewards them, spends time with them, praises them. He cooks for them, does homework with them, plays with them. When they mess up, of course he tells them off, and they get punishment (like taking a phone away, or doing extra chores). So he is just a normal dad to them.

What is unfair, that he is a Disney dad to SS. When he doesn’t do something or acts up - there is no telling off or punishment whatsoever. From my OHs side anyways. I do act the same towards all the kids, so if SS messes up- I tell him.

[Keykeche]

Made me crack. Sorry. Yup, had that too. Doesn’t do it now, when they are older, but before it was always my job to put kids to sleep, except for when SS came over. Then there were stories and book reading and getting them to sleep.

[Magda72]

The thing with this stuff is that your dc, the resident dc, will suffer if this continues & very few dads in your dp's position see this, which is dreadfully unfair on resident dc imo.
My dp technically lives with me & two of my dc (17 & 13). He works long hours & is away a lot so while he has a great relationship with them he does no parenting of them & I don't expect him to because honestly they don't need it & I have it (the parenting) covered. He also doesn't spend any more time with them than he does his own dc.
My dc have a lovely relationship with dp - very relaxed and easygoing & there are no issues between any of us.
Dp mainly sees his dc (19, 16 & 13) in the town where they live (he keeps a house there) so they get TONNES of time with him without me & my dc being around. But what I have increasingly noticed is that my dc retreat into themselves around dp when his kids are around as they demand all dp's attention. This became glaringly obvious a few weeks ago on a joint holiday. Even after 5 years together his dc still have issues with him seeing my dc sometimes during the week & to be perfectly honest they virtually ignored my dc on holidays. I'm still really angry with dp about this & like you I'm having difficulty finding the language to speak to him about this.
From my dcs' viewpoint it was liked dp dumped them when his own dc were around & demanding his attention. I know he didn't mean anything by it & I KNOW his kids are more important (to him) than mine & that's normal. However, my kids were pretty hurt. They're not overly sensitive kids & do not look at dp in a fatherly capacity at all (they see their own dad very regularly) but they do view him like a really good friend/uncle but both of them feel they have to be reserved around him when his dc are around.
2 of dp's were here over the weekend (first time since the holiday) & my guys just retreated to their rooms while dp & his hogged the tv to watch sport! Totally not fair to feel like this in their home. This is not dp's kids home as they have a house with their dm & a house with dp.
Dp is a good man but is just totally oblivious to the changes in him when he's around his own dc & how what THEY want dominates everything. In fairness he never disciplines my dc - but I do, & he calls any rudeness on the part of his dc "joking". He has a blind spot that lessens when he's not with his dc but which kicks in the minute he's in their company & it's driving me insane!
I made a decision over the weekend that I will never ask my kids to live with his kids - under any circumstances - & now have to find a way of breaking it to dp that we will not be buying a house together until his are no longer dependents - he has been pushing this.
I hope you manage to get your dh to see the light but I fear the majority of these dads just won't give up on their nr kids being the perfect children.

[CarolDanvers]

He'd be out the door with my foot up his arse (figuratively obviously). This is why I will never put my children and myself into a blended family situation. I know I could never tolerate some unrelated bloke that I happened to have the hots for telling my children what to do. I honestly don't understand how women who allow it justify it to themselves. Are you that desperate to be in a relationship?

[QueenCoconut]

Magda I think your decision to not move in together is very wise and also very brave.
It really hit me when you wrote about your dc retreating to their room over the weekend. I sadly relate to this. When my sdc are here they ( plus my DH) basically ‘take over’ the downstairs of the house -occupying all the sofas, the tv , being in and out of the kitchen and the garden all the time- and that’s fine they are free to feel at home. What I don’t think is noticed by my DH is that my older dd retreats to her bedroom and I do the same, I spend most of the time in my bedroom.
It’s my way of staying calm now - I have spent too many years trying to create an ideal blended family, which caused too much stress so I have now entered a phase of disengagement and letting them get on with it.
What changed for me though is that I realised that it’s not my sdc who are the problem- it is my DH and how he copes with his guilt over being a Non resident parent.
It feels like we have two lives , the normal one when he is just a relaxed and decent step father to my DC and our life is fairly calm and organised, and then the chaos that ensues EOW when he flips and becomes a Disney dad , stops communicating with me (because they follow each other 24h so there is little opportunity to talk), different rules apply.
I am done trying to change it or make him see what’s going on, I leave him to it now.

[Magda72]

In fairness @CarolDanvers a woman being desperate for a man is not always how it happens.
I think many nrps slot into a new family dynamic fine be it with stepkids, having their own kids with a new partner or a mix of both. In these scenarios the two adults in the house parent the kids as a family unit with the rp mostly providing the parenting for his/her kids but not always.
The issues start when the nrp's kids come into the mix. The nrp then goes into the Disney/Guilt dad headspace of applying no reasonable level of parenting to the kids he/she doesn't get to live with which just ends up pissing everyone else off. If you're a rp who lives with a reasonably level headed person who then 'changes' when their own dc are around it's not very easy to say I'm off. Once the dc return to their other parent normality is restored and live continues on as it was.
I think the biggest issue with separation/divorce/blending is that no one has come up with a way to solve the issue of nr dc feeling abandoned (no matter what the circumstances or who left who or if it was mutual) by the nrp, or the nrp never not feeling guilty/not being made feel guilty (even if they were the ones who were left).
And what most nr dc & their nrparent don't realise is that in many cases they are often the rdc in some other kids' lives who get to live with their nrp! It's a bloody vicious circle with no end!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

The main issue seems to be that you can’t talk to him about something/anything that’s upsetting you without him going off on one. It happens to be his unfair and unequal treatment of the children in the family unit but an unwillingness to communicate honestly and maturely without immediately jumping to anger is an issue in your relationship that you’ll continue to struggle with.

It doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong so it’s not an understandable reaction based in healthy defensiveness of his offspring but a complete refusal to listen to you make your points heard and to discuss them properly.

[carmellax]

I had a similar scenario with my ex except we didn't have kids together. He had two DS similar ages to your kids I found it really hard hence when he's an ex. Let them get away with everything, I wasn't allowed to say anything or tell them off if I didn't agree with something. For example when one of them was 10 he didn't wash his hands when he went for a number two EVER. I raised this with him and got a massive bollocking glad I got rid

[Smilebehappy123]

Agreed CarolDanvers I am mother to one DC and I could never ever imagine a situation in which that little girl was ever made to feel shit by a man or anybody else for that matter , what goes on in these woman’s heads

[readitandwept]

What makes me mad the most is that other kids see this change and obviously ask questions.

But...

Just a note about treating my kids shitty. HE does NOT do that.

Whether you think it's shitty or not, he treats your kids very differently from his own, negatively so, and they know it. End of.

Tell him until he can actually parent his own child, you'll parent yours.

[Keykeche]

Thank you all for your replies.

I will talk to him once again about this switch in the head every time his son comes over.

Also, will see, if his behaviour will change again once SS is away.

[Oblomov19]

Have you had a calm sensible conversation, at other times, when the kids aren't there, about this?

What's his reaction then?

[Keykeche]

Oblomov19:


Yes, we had in the past. When it was worse and he continued to be a normal dad to my kids (disciplined), yet let SS get away with murder.
He admitted that he is like that and wants to create a “perfect holiday” for his son, as he is guilty for leaving him in the first place. And he can’t help himself. That is the short version.
Now when SS is here he does NO disciplining to anyone (resident kids and SS) and lets me to do all the parenting and disciplining, also SS, and does not interfere with my actions and decisions.
If I decide to punish SS he also doesn’t get in the way and if SS complains to DH about something, DH supports me.

So I guess that’s a progress already. But I just feel that it would benefit SS also to have some discipline installed by his dad, and not just me.