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Can’t do wrong from right. ANOTHER Christmas post

(71 Posts)
Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 09:17:40

We do alternate christmas’ between ourselves and DSD’s mum. This year has been our year to have DSD (8) which we’ve all been really looking forward to. It’s lovely when DSD & DD get to spend Christmas together.

Unfortunately all DSD has done is sulk and cry and protest that DD got more presents than she did. They had the same spend on them give or take £5. Out of my own pocket.

Her mum rang and she couldn’t get away from all of us quickly enough. Cue very angry mother on the phone who thinks that we’ve ‘under done’ DSD this Christmas. A lot of people I know do give their SC’s less as they’ll also be getting presents at the resident parent’s house but I’ve always given DSD the same as DD. I go out of my way to make sure they’re treated similarly.

I just feel as though I can’t do anything right. We were all getting along so much better too. I’m 17 weeks pregnant after 2 M/C’s and it’s just started to become common knowledge.

I posted on Facebook an hour before we picked DSD up to tell her and her mum had gone stir crazy about this too. How dare we post about OUR happy news before telling DSD. We told both DC’s together.

I don’t want the drama and I just want to be left alone. I don’t know whether there’s a bit of jealously at play but DSD has recently been very cold towards us both. Trying to make out that she’s been badly done to at any opportunity. At the moment it’s like she’s hard wired to find fault and we’re both finding it quite exhausting. We just want her to be happy when she’s here but can’t help but think that she’s being influenced otherwise elsewhere and being made to feel as though we treat her second best.

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Lookatyourwatchnow Wed 26-Dec-18 10:17:55

I know that her Mum is probably manipulating DSD's behaviours to some extent but if one of my DC had a tantrum about how many presents they had received compared to their sibling they would get bollocked for bratty behaviour and so would my DSC - I couldn't give a shit about what the DSC has to say about it, it's basic parenting.

Lookatyourwatchnow Wed 26-Dec-18 10:18:32

*About what the DSC's Mum has to say

Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 10:26:05

@Lookatyourwatchnow, she did get a telling off for it but we’re also mindful that she’s got a lot going on in her little head so didn’t go overboard if that makes sense?

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TheProvincialLady Wed 26-Dec-18 10:38:40

You need to detach from the mother. Block her on all social media. Don’t speak to her at all. Your DH needs to do that, and he needs to put an end to any conversation that isn’t about arranging contact etc. You’re both giving her far too much fuel.

Your relationship with DSD is bound to be difficult if her mother is filling her head with horrible things. She clearly doesn’t have her daughter’s best interests at heart. Try to deal with the child and the behaviour you have in front of you and not second guess what she is or isn’t feeling. And most of his is for your partner to deal with anyway.

Holidayshopping Wed 26-Dec-18 10:41:22

What did her mother say when you explained that the two girls had exactly the same spent on them??

SummerGems Wed 26-Dec-18 10:46:37

Posting about your pregnancy on Facebook before you’ve told your children is unreasonable

Holidayshopping Wed 26-Dec-18 10:49:46

How did her mum now you’d posted on Facebook? Are you ‘friends’ with her on there?

Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 10:53:07

She’s blocked from my social media anyway and my settings are all private. OH doesn’t have social media in anyway, shape or form. I’ve or around 150 friends on Facebook and they’re all people I know - I don’t have mere aquaintances on there. We’re from quite a close knit community so I’m suspecting we perhaps have some friends in common and someone has told her. We couldn’t keep it from her forever anyway.

We try to deal with it together so that we’re on the same page with everything. When’s she’s trying to make out that we’re being unfair or that DD is being given preferential treatment, we explain to her how she isn’t at all. It’s also damaging DSD and DD’s relationship now and I’m worried that if it carries on it’ll be beyond repair and they’ll both resent each other.

@Holidayshopping, we actually wrote down an inventory of what DSD and DD got and the total cost of everything. DSD actually had slightly more spent on her than DD. Funnily enough we’ve had no reply!

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TwistedStitch Wed 26-Dec-18 10:54:58

Announcing your pregnancy to 150 people on social media before telling your kids is really bizarre and hardly going to help DSD's perception that she is left out.

SilverBirchTree Wed 26-Dec-18 10:56:42

If you think posting about your pregnancy before telling your children is ok then I'm guessing there are all manner of unreasonable actions on your part which you haven't mentioned in your post.

YABU for the Facebook post alone. You couldn't wait one hour to tell the world?

Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 10:56:56

@SummerGems, not really, an hour before we told our 8 & 5 YO who don’t have Facebook!?

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Lookatyourwatchnow Wed 26-Dec-18 10:57:15

Don't given DSD's Mum an audience, it just gives her more fuel to dictate to you. She doesn't need an inventory of the cost of the DC's presents. If this situation isn't nipped in the bud now, it's only going to escalate when the baby arrives.

Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 10:57:53

I didn’t really think anything of it to be honest.

I didn’t cite it as hugely unreasonable.

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SummerGems Wed 26-Dec-18 11:00:19

It’s a shit thing to do. My eXH didn’t even tell his own parents before telling ds and his dsc.

hollylove Wed 26-Dec-18 11:01:42

Can I ask? Could it be that DSD was counting the number of presents as she wouldn't have known the total spend? That would upset any 8 year old imo. I don't think it matters that she gets presents elsewhere too.

I think the FB thing doesn't help you either - even if your kids aren't on FB - as clearly the message went on anyway.

Hope you feel ok

Beansandcoffee Wed 26-Dec-18 11:03:42

Fancy posting your pregnancy news on FB knowing in all honesty that the mum would find out first. If I was that mum I think you put her in a difficult situation ie should I tell my DD that her daddy is having another baby with STepmum but that he still loves his DD or should I wait for someone else to tell her. You did that FB posting to cause trouble and that explains some of your SDs behaviour and her mum’s. Who announces a pregnancy on FB before telling their children first?

Atalune Wed 26-Dec-18 11:04:43

twisted is right. A pregnancy announcement on SM is very strange.

You must realise that not telling your DSD first and sensitively in person was a mistake.

Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 11:10:28

Ok so I was wrong to post our news on SM before telling DC’s. But I can’t see why it would be made an issue of unless someone decides to do so.

Honestly didn’t think that DSD’s mum would find out so quickly and I’ve had to tell my parents/close friends before the DC’s as this hasn’t been a straight forward pregnancy and have needed help with school runs when we’re at appointments. Also didn’t want to tell DC’s oncase the worst were to happen.

I honestly didn’t do it to cause trouble!! I thought what’s the harm when we’re seeing DSD in an hour when we can tell her then anyway!

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SummerGems Wed 26-Dec-18 11:13:20

and the friends who mentioned it will have assumed that dsm already knew as no normal person posts about their pregnancy on facebook before telling their own children. and even if it had not been a dsc here you were still unreasonable

Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 11:14:30

Oh and no other ‘unreasonable’ actions from me other than taking on someone else’s child and doing my very best in quite difficult circumstances at times.

Yes, maybe I’m excited after the SHIT year we’ve had losing babies to announce our news to close relatives and friends who are all sighted for us. As are the two children we have between us when we told them!?

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Beansandcoffee Wed 26-Dec-18 11:14:57

OP it is an issue because it was thoughtless. Children need to be told sensitively when a parent is expecting a child with someone who isn’t their natal parent. Otherwise they feel abandoned. Even late teens and young adults can feel the same.

Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 26-Dec-18 11:15:49

@SummerGems I’m sure plenty of people have done it. Not just me. There are larger issues at play here and NONE of them stem from a FB post that DSD has no knowledge or understanding of 🙄

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Atalune Wed 26-Dec-18 11:15:55

Well now you know you’re wrong about it, you need to say that to your DSD and explain it to her.

And give an apology to the step mother.

No wonder Christmas has been fright for them, new baby and you appear to care so little about them that you just do the SM announcement. At least that is how it comes across.

Enjoy the pregnancy and good luck with it all flowers

Beansandcoffee Wed 26-Dec-18 11:16:02

No one has 150 close friends and family on FB.

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