what to do if your partner's son isn't a good influence for your children?? Please help!

[Madlife]

Hi, Thank you for reading. I have been with my fiance for 4 years we have a 3 years old and a 8 months old. I just wanted to ask what to do when your partner's son is not a good influence. His son is 11and lives with us apart from every other weekend and Thursdays. He is rude, needy, and has an anger issue. He is extremely selfish and nothing is good enough for him. I am considering leaving the man I love and the father my children adore because of him. I don't have a break from him. In the beginning I was expected to do more than his mum would have ever done for him, but after he being disrespectful and me having big arguments with my partner and mother in law because of him I couldn't cope no more so I distanced from him. I hate being around him, if his dad isn't home he will be in his room ignoring my children and doing whatever he wants. When his dad is at home he will be more needy than our 2 together, will interrupt conversations, will make everything possible so I can't be close to him and what pisses me off the most is that he only teaches bad things to my son so he has something to report back to his dad and get my son to be told off. He won't do nothing in the house but urinating all over the bathroom floor, eating food in secret and hiding wrappers everywhere... I know
he is a child, those are not big things... my problem is that he has an anger issue and he can be really disrespectful towards everyone, his grandmother even his dad. He can be aggressive too. I don't shout to my children or any human being, my parents were alcoholics and I get really stressed with shouting as reminds me the hell my childhood was. He shouts at my son and gives him orders all day long shouting commands as if he was a dog. for example if he doesn't want him to be in his room he would just shout OUT. Even if he is seating in the floor doing nothing, if he doesn't move he pushes him out of the room and closes the door, my child is outside trying to get in and saying open please open please and he's behind the door so he can't get in.... I have spoken to his dad for him, he doesn't do anything wrong, the way he talks to that child is way softer than the way he does to our 3 year old same with discipline... He says is because he is the only one who loves him home so he protects him. I don't want my children to be like this child, I love that my partner wants to do the best for his son as the mother is not good but this is putting a big strain on our family ....

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Well you didn’t really establish a relationship with the lad before getting pregnant ,I think that’s the downfall there. Me and my dh were together 3years before we tried for dd and his df was with his dw 6 years before they had their dc so relationships were established well before other dc came along. My 9 year old wouldn’t have reacted well his df got his new gf pregnant and who he didn’t really know well and was suddenly living at his df and preparing for a new baby.

I think a lot of the behaviour is typical for his age moody, wanting personal space. He’s likely starting puberty. I’m sure you posted before and were told similar? Why is your ds trying to get into his bedroom? His df does need to address the mood swings and treating each other kindly but it’s clear everything moved very fast and he’s reacting to the situation.

[rainingcatsanddog]

You're a stepmum, there is nothing you can do. His parents should be the ones to work with their son.

Some of the things don't sound as serious as others. It's totally normal for pre-teens to want space from younger ones. I'd say it was unusual if a teen/pre-teen didn't spend lots of time in their room alone. Your son needs to learn that the room is out of bounds unless invited in. I have 3 teens with their own rooms and I only notice them invite their sibling in once/twice a week tops?

I'd also say it's not surprising that he is desperate for attention because his Dad got together with you 4 years ago, had a baby in record time and to compound that a second baby sibling. Even if the first baby was an accident, that's a lot of stress in a short amount of time for the oldest. I've got to admit that i feel sorry for the boy with his crap sounding parents.

With regards to the mood swings it's hard to say if it's normal teen stuff or there's something more serious going on.

[Quartz2208]

in the beginning I was expected to do more

by whom?

I think that the beginning of your relationship went very quickly and you were introduced and expected to be his mum and understandably he was angry

You have a partner issue (isnt it always) as he has said up separate expectations

Poor boy just needs consistency and proper boundaries

[rainingcatsanddog]

Saying that the boy is clingy to his father because his father had 2 further children explains his son's behaviour though.

[ErictheGuineaPig]

He sounds like a little boy who has had to contend with a lot. My boy is 11 and from talking to his friend's parents, they are all emotional wrecks at the moment - hormones kicking in, big school transition. And that's without what your stepson has on his plate, a tricky relationship with his mother, a massive amount of change in 4 years and a stepmum who took on a parental role then backed off. I think you probably need some help with this, like counselling or family counselling. You could start by talking to his school.

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

I would actually move out. I doubt you’ll be able to change this child. He seems to have emotional issues probably due to his circumstances.

[swingofthings]

My DS went through a stage of raging hormones around 11yo when he seems always angry and extremely rude, door slamming etc... One day, I came home to find him on the ground, crying his eyes out and mumbling that he hated himself.

It turned out that in a fit of anger, he broke something that was dear to him (by negligence rather than meaning too, but still because of anger). He looked at me and said that he hated being so angry all the time and begged me to help him stopped. It was heartbreaking. All I did was give him a big hug and told him that his hormones were not helping but that we could discuss ways to help him feel it coming and do something about it.

After that, he was much better and by the time he was 14, the rudeness, door slamming and anger bursts were over with. He is now moody and unmotivated but anger is gone.

The situation in your household sound very unhealthy all around. This kid is clearly unhappy in the family and probably only sees his room as his safe heaven, the place he can be himself and not told off/looked at negatively, so your son's standing there is probably making him feel very invaded. You should make it clear to your son that his room is his place and that he should not ask to go in.

If you want your SS to show more care and appreciation, you need to respect his needs first.

[Bollockybollocks1]

I feel sorry for him, I can understand why he feels pushed out with two younger siblings and that's probably why he's so clingy with his dad.

Can you husband spend more 1:1 time with him?

Being irritated by younger siblings is normal at age 11 and personally I'd be encouraging your 3 year old not to be in his room - it's his space.

As for your relationship with him, I can understand that the aggressive attitude is triggering (I have similar issues). Have you looked at counselling for him?

[HeebieJeebies456]

lives with us apart from every other weekend and Thursdays

Being pushed away/rejected or not having his birth mother play a bigger role in his life has probably got more to do with his anger and bad behaviour rather than having siblings.

His parents need to deal with this instead of putting it all on you.

[Madlife]

Thank you everyone for your comments. This was my first post. His parents weren't really together when she got pregnant, so he wasn't raised by living with both of his parents in the same home. He wasn't living with his dad when I moved with my partner, but due to becoming more aggressive and having trouble at school we thought maybe it would be better to be with his dad. He has improved a lot and I know part of that is thanks to me. At the beginning he really loved me and he still does. I have always been kind to him, listen to him, encourage him and give him positive ways to deal with anger. He is angry with everyone, no so much with me. My son shares the room with him. His mother is incredibly lazy and complains in front of him that she has to travel to pick him up etc. She won't take him to school ever, but I was supposed to do it. The problem here I think is that he can see the difference between the way his mum parents him she is super controlling and she is shouting all day. He even cries when he has to go with her. I asked my partner to talk to her but every time is a bug argument that leads to more resentment and bad behavior of his son. I understand it isn't easy for him but seeing my son being Treated in a way I work really hard to avoid myself really scares me as he is already coping his flips out. Thank you all. Maybe I could do something different but I just find myself trying to protect my young kids from that negativity.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

An 11 year old should not be sharing with a 3year old. No wonder he’s getting cross. 3years aren’t self aware of other people’s priority and therefore I can understand his frustrations at that age especially entering puberty he needs his own personal space. I would imagine once he gets that he will be less aggressive and frustrated with you’re 2year old.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Property” bloody autocorrect.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

voldermorticia They share the bedroom which I think is part of the problem the age gap is too big to share.

[Summersnake]

Why should a 3 yr old knock to go in his own bedroom
I think your 11 yr old needs his own room fast

[mytittifersungtheirsong]

Yet another case of people getting together and having more children in quick succession before thinking of the ramifications of larger families e.g. Is there space for all the children? Do they all get enough attention? You barely knew your partner before you had children so you didn't really know him, his son or the dynamics of the relations with his ex partner.

[Madlife]

My son was sitting on the room's floor and his brother decided he wanted to be alone and he just kicked him out. He is all day doing like he is the father, or just mimicking what his mother does. We both have explained to him that we don't talk to people like that, that we are the parents etc. But it doesn't sink in

[Quartz2208]

cut him some slack on this sharing a room with a 3 year old at 11 would be tough - coupled with his parents

[Madlife]

Well how many people are married for years and don't each other? I knew where I was getting in but as I said, he wasn't living with us. Then when he told his ex we were getting married everything escalated... Every kid has one to one time. We are moving to a new house. We planned to have children like that as it was best option to have time off while they are small and then go back to a demanding job. I think your comment mytittifersungtheirsong is a bit harsh, I respect your point but I think you wouldn't say the same to a single full time working mother would you? I don't believe in grow my children between cotton, I believe you have to teach them how to learn from situations and make the most of it. I came for help no for negative comments as I maybe missing something I haven't tried.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Your completely ignoring the issue an 11year old on the verve on starting puberty should not be sharing with their little 3year old brother, his body will be going through changes plus not to meantion 3years old have zero respect to someone’s personal items. You knew he had a son and the relationship with his mother was somewhat fractured. It’s pretty obvious the reason why he’s getting cross with his brother, he wants his own personal space.

[Madlife]

The whole point of moving is giving him space. My son has ALL his toys in the living room so his brother has more space. He gets cross with grandmother, teachers, mother, etc... It is not exclusively to my son. If that would be the case I would this alike you.

[nuttyknitter]

So your poor DSS lives most of the time with an adult who clearly can't stand to have him around. No wonder he's pushing boundaries and clingy with his Dad.