3 week holiday with DSS - ideas?

[ladybee28]

This summer DP, DSS (it's more a case of 'his son' than 'my stepson' as we're still fairly new, but for the purposes of abbreviations it's easier to refer to him as DSS!) and I are going away for 3 weeks to a few European cities. DP and I have been together 2 years, and DSS is a really lovely, laid back 12 year old.

DP and DSS are a serious 'unit'; constantly attached to one another, DP doing everything for DSS, which is a weird combination for me of really lovely and also a bit 'too much' to be around. I'm sometimes left feeling like a spare tyre – partly because they actually are a bit much sometimes, and partly because of my own insecurities, which I'm trying to work on.

So, I hope understandably, I'm nervous about going away for this long with the two of them. It feels like it's their holiday together, and I've been invited along, so I'm not quite sure how to approach it. It's also my first holiday away with a child - I don't have kids of my own and have never done this before, so I'm not sure entirely what to expect!

I want to make sure this is an enjoyable experience for all of us, so I'm looking for guidance and ideas from the more experienced among you on how to balance spending time with them, but also giving them time on their own (and battling my own internal tussles over DP's attention – these childish feelings show up every now and again that the adult in me really has to wrestle with!).

If I think about focusing on making this a magical 3 week experience for a 12 year old, that feels exciting and gives me ideas on things to do (making a travel journal together, drawing things we see, sticking souvenirs in together, writing the best memory from each day).

But I know that there's only so much of that I can do, and I want to tool up with tips and advice for the moments when it all feels a bit much! What have you experienced / learned? How can I make this amazing for DSS and also a relaxing experience for me? Am I overthinking things?

Thoughts, ideas, advice on any part of this very welcome! :)

[8FencingWire]

Depends on the child, mine would have hated the whole journal thing.
I’d focus on activities: swimming/zip wire/cycle/kayak etc.
3weeks is a long time. Google 13 things to do before you are 13.
I also have a ‘holiday box’ with books to read, a little present (ie earphones, cash), sweets for midnight snacks, new cosies, a game, new albums, a dvd or two.

Also, sometimes it’s nice to just say: I am taking today for myself, you guys do whatever, I am sitting by the pool with a book.
I like my siestas on holidays, so afternoons are mine, but I also wake up early to go for a run, so this is my time to myself.

I would establish ground rules: we take turns to choose the activities/where to eat/where to go.

Refuse to go anywhere without wi-fi, trust me, it’s not worth the pain of a sulky preteen.

[Magda72]

I agree with @8FencingWire.
DON'T do the journal with him - most 12 year olds would hate that. Keep one for yourself by all means & if he shows interest let him join in.
Three weeks is a long time & could be quite intense. If I were in your shoes I'd come to an arrangement with dp that you'll take mornings or afternoons to yourself - you'll need the headspace & it will give them some time alone to do stuff like football stadiums or the like.
WiFi would be a must as without it you & dp won't even be able to have a glass of wine in peace in the evenings - trust me - I've been there!
And if your dss isn't a reader make sure you've Netflix/Amazon Prime.
Personally I wouldn't do 3 weeks with my dp & his kids as I'd find it a bit too full on so if you're really worried about that aspect of things maybe join them for 10 days or so?
My dp is taking his kids on holiday this summer for 12 days & I'm joining them for 4 days in one city but that's it.
Good luck

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Oh god I’d love it if my dss and DH were more like that! He’s a fabulous boy but always on the go and always wanting it to be all of us together so there wouldn’t be a moment of relaxation 😂

I would just plan days out to see x y z that you want to see so all together, and half days/activities that you don’t want to do that can be their alone time and your relaxing time.

It sounds like you’re very aware that your feelings on ‘sharing’ your dp are totally off so that is good - it’s not a competition and there’s no expectation you could have ‘alone time’ with dp over the three weeks so go into it with that in mind.

My ex’s new fiancée gets very jealous of his dc and the result has been a wedge driven between him and his kids and them hating her (I’m still close to them so I hear all about it from their perspective). It’s just a totally different relationship and different kind of attention. But you know that as you said!

[NorthernSpirit]

3 weeks is a long time, espically next f you aren’t used to being around children on your own with kids. Thanks wouldn’t go away for 3 weeks and f this is your first ever holiday with them. If your DP & his son (who sound like a tight unit and you’re a bit of an outsider) you will feel pushed out.

I’ll be blunt.... I don’t have children of my own and have known my OH’s kids for 3.5 years. After a year we all went away together for a week and I found it really intense. I wanted to look myself in a dark room and cry at the end of the week. A girlfriend who is a step mum to one DSD and has known her for 10 years felt the same she told me.

So we’ve agreed that my OH takes the kids away for a week on his own and then we go a week all together. Personally I think 3 weeks is too long and it will end in disaster. Dad and son also need time on their own.

Could you dip in and out? Say for a week and they do 2 weeks on their own.

[ladybee28]

Oh god what a relief - it's not just that I'm a shit human that I'm worried about 3 weeks all together?!

Madga72 "DON'T do the journal with him - most 12 year olds would hate that. Keep one for yourself by all means & if he shows interest let him join in." The journal's actually something he's really into - he's an arty kid and likes to spend time with me when it's just the two of us where I start a picture / give him a prompt and he takes it from there drawing or making something with his hands. I hear you though - I know it's unusual!

MykindgomforBrie "It sounds like you’re very aware that your feelings on ‘sharing’ your dp are totally off so that is good - it’s not a competition and there’s no expectation you could have ‘alone time’ with dp over the three weeks so go into it with that in mind."

I am aware those feelings are irrational - but they're still strong! Wish they weren't there, but they are, so I'm hoping time and practice will help ease them. I do my utmost to not let how I'm feeling show to DSS; it's not his fault at all and the last thing I want is him feeling uncomfortable around me. It just really takes some energy to hold my busy-brain in check sometimes!

NorthernSpirit what is it that you find intense with your DP and his DCs? I'm just so thrilled to discover it's not just me being anti-social / a bad person, I'm really curious to know what other people's experiences are...

[NorthernSpirit]

OP - In my case (the kids were 11 & 8) on the first holiday we went on. It’s just relentless. I don’t have kids of my own so appreciate that this is normal for any parent, but it’s not for me so here goes..... if the kids spend limited time with dad they want to spend every minute they can (rightly) with dad, not with you. You won’t get any time on your own as a couple. They wake up early and demand attention or to be fed (so absolutely no chance of a lie in). In my case 1 kid is an extremely fussy eater which limits 90% of restaurant choices (and I don’t want to eat burger and chips everyday). They want constant entertaining, can’t do anything for themselves. They are constantly hungry or thirsty and you’ll be expected to run around after them. As a starter for 10.....

Seriously 3 weeks is too much. I would do a week max.

[allchangenochange]

3 weeks on holiday is a long time for parents. I have never taken my pair away for more than two weeks. Is he getting his own room when you travel? This will make a big difference to how much down time you get. I have one who loves recording and drawing stuff and one who doesn't. I agree with pp dc are relentless even if I think mine are great I make sure I get some quiet alone time as well. Had your DP done this before? Very full on parenting for that length of time sounds tiring. I agree also that dc at that age often like high activity events, swimming pools, zip lining etc rather than traditional sightseeing.

[Cyberworrier]

If he is artistic could you research sessions for teens/pre teens at museums or galleries in the places you visit?

[allchangenochange]

In terms of rooms, balconies and patios allow you an outside space to chill and have a glass of wine together when dc are watching tv or getting ready for bed.
I would also have a really clear conversation before you go about some ground rules as this is your holiday too. In our family we each get to pick one thing to do and the others aren't allowed to moan too much about doing it. That way everyone gets to do something they want.
My dc like writing trip advisor reviews as way to entertain themselves in the evening.

[Ragwort]

Seriously, if it was me I would leave them to it, maybe join them for one week but let them have a lovely father and son time together.

I would find three weeks with my own teenage DS and DH on holiday a bit much - trying to find something we all enjoy is almost impossible and it is inevitable that one person can feel a little 'left out' at times - personally it suits me to do my own thing and leave them to their extreme sports etc - but I know that's not everyone's idea of a 'family' holiday.

Good luck if you do go.

[Magda72]

Hi @ladybee28 - great that he's artistic! Then journal IS a good plan.
As pp's have said dcs are relentless on holidays & yes I like others would find 3 weeks with my own hard enough. They're absolutely great & I love their company, but because you're normally in hotels or small self catering accommodation you get VERY little respite. I generally come back from family holidays wrecked lol & ensure I have my own holiday at some other point during the year.
Sdcs are even harder (in my experience). I'm with @NorthernSpirit in that when my dps kids are with him they glue themselves to him like barnacles. I'm not even allowed sit beside him. Dp's youngest is 12 & honestly I may as well not be around. Like others have said, after extended periods of time with them I too feel like locking myself in a room & weeping. It's not their fault but they just want to be with dad & do boy stuff. I think any feelings you have of being an outsider could definitely be heightened after 3 weeks in confined spaces.
I'd hazard a guess that your dp will be relishing his time with his son & possibly won't get your need for time out. My dp thinks nothing of talking about sport for hours on end with his three while I feel anxiety coming on as I sit in a restaurant either trying to look interested. I've often ended up talking to people at different tables like a crazy person!

[ladybee28]

allchangenochange "Is he getting his own room when you travel?" Not a chance. DP won't have him out of his sight if he can avoid it - DSS even falls asleep on the couch instead of going to bed when he's staying with us so they have maximum time together. So even a glass of wine on a balcony with DP for an hour at night is likely to be unlikely...

Ragwort "I know that's not everyone's idea of a 'family' holiday" This is the tricky bit! I think maybe it's meant to be a 'family' holiday, but that just feels like it's ignoring the fact that it's not a family holiday - it's their holiday and DP is keen for me to come along so I don't feel left out – when in fact I'm probably going to feel that way if I do go.

Flights to each city are already booked so I feel a bit trapped - maybe I can find a way to duck out for a chunk of it...

[ladybee28]

Oops, cross-posted, Magda72!

And your post honestly just made tears spring to my eyes - I'm so glad to hear I'm not nuts for feeling like this!

"I'd hazard a guess that your dp will be relishing his time with his son & possibly won't get your need for time out"

Exactly - he wants me to come so he can hang out with his two favourite people, which is lovely... and also a bit short-sighted.

We're going to two cities I've lived in before, so I've got friends there I could visit / stay with / hang out with... I just don't want to seem like I'm being anti-social or rejecting DP and DSS by doing so!

Erk... rock and hard place!

[BouncingIntoGraceland]

Holy shit op, your dp's parenting sounds....intense.

I wouldn't even go for a week given your update about him not wanting him out of sight.

[allchangenochange]

Following that update I would arrange to meet up with friends whenever you can. Maybe introduce DP and dss to them for a drink and then go off or arrange to meet at an attraction so that you can go round with your friend.
I think your DP isn't being very sensible about this to be honest, I wouldn't want this super clingy set up with my dc for that length of time.
Are you able to have an open conversation about the issues with this? You sound really thoughtful and caring.
Failing all else book rooms with baths and take lots of books.

[swingofthings]

I'm your OH in this situation and frankly, even after 10 years together, I don't enjoy holidays with my OH and children. I work FT and holidays for me is spending quality time with both my children and OH except that quality time means very different things for them.

All it does for me is put me under huge pressure to please everyone and in the end, nobody really got to do what they wanted and spend time as and when they want it. It got harder as they became teenagers.

The solution is therefore to go on separate holidays and it works. Everyone is much happier that way.

My advice would be to talk to your OH how you feel. It's totally normal and make some plans ahead of going so that you know what to expect. Would you be able to go out to dinner one evening in the hotel you stay whilst your SS is happy to stay in the room to play a game or watch TV? Similarly, could you plan some activity that you would enjoy that they wouldn't that you do whilst they spend time together?

Whatever you plan, let your OH come up with ideas for you all to do together as well as him and his son only as the more you invest in it, the more disappointed and frustrated you'll be if your ideas are not welcome when you're there.

Saying all that, you might find that this holiday will bring you even closer to your DS and who knows, maybe he might seek your company more and enjoy conversations with as much if not more than his dad.

[NorthernSpirit]

God, this scenario sounds a nightmare for you. You’re sharing a room for 3 weeks with his son and you’re partner won’t let the boy out of his site. This sounds a recipe for disaster. You definitely need to plan activities in your own. This does sound like ‘their’ holiday. Before you go you need to agree some boundaries. Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing a room for 3 weeks with a DSC - you’ll have absolutely no time to yourself or privacy.

[ladybee28]

allchangenochange "Are you able to have an open conversation about the issues with this?"

Honestly, I'm nervous about it. DP's not the most open-eared when it comes to his parenting, and gets very protective and touchy about anything that might seem like it's coming between him and DSS. I should probably start practicing now... just need to figure out exactly what it is I want and need so I'm clear before I start the conversation!

swingofthings I totally hear you – and that's part of what I'm trying to be conscious of with DP. We'll be staying in AirBnBs so I should have some privacy and there's a bit more flexibility for us to have time on our own if I ask for it. But I'm also aware, I get to be with DP all the time. DSS doesn't, and it's "only" 3 weeks. If I look at things in the long run, this is super-important for them and I don't want to detract from it. I just need to be responsible for my own experience too...

[BouncingIntoGraceland]

Gets very protective and touchy?

Is that code for what I think it's code for?

[Wdigin2this]

I think I'd tel, them, you two go and have 2 weeks together, and I'll join you for the last week. I'd say 3 weeks in a new, strange situation, with no escape, would be hellish!

[ladybee28]

BouncingIntoGraceland Depends what you think it's code for – I don't want to assume – but maybe?!

Whenever I raise things to do with how I feel about stepping into whatever 'role' it is I'm playing in this dynamic, he tells me I'm overthinking things, DSS is an easy kid and there's nothing to worry about. There's not a lot of space for emotional processing, and DSS comes first. So if I'm riding out big emotions about figuring out this new-to-me situation, I do it on my own.

[Ikeameatballs]

I'd be very wary of this holiday. I really think that set up how you've described it could break your relationship.

[WhiteCat1704]

Hmm OP...I wouldn't want 3 weeks like that if I' m honest..your DP doesn't sound that great if he won't even listen to your fears and feelings..

[swingofthings]

I think you need to treat it as an 'experiment'. It's a pity it's three weeks though and maybe you should have brought up the conversation of 'should we try one week or 10 days first', but that's a bit late.

Maybe your OH is right and maybe you will have a great time together. Maybe he will be conscious that he needs to give you attention too and make sure you are included in conversations, even when about things you know nothing about. Maybe his ds will be happy to talk to you and include you in all decision, listen to your suggestions etc...

If it does, then brilliant, if not... well you know, separate holidays from then on!

[ladybee28]

swingofthings I really appreciate that angle. His DS does include me in things - they really are good about that stuff - it's just it does feel like a long time!

The flights weren't too expensive - maybe it's worth me adjusting my timings a bit and coming home early / joining them late...