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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Time with own children?

30 replies

Givenup43 · 06/04/2018 12:39

If you are a stepfamily but living apart...

Do you just do your own thing when you and your partner have your children? Or do you spend the time togetger as one family?

We don't live together and finding it increasingly difficult to balance our time. He has his two children the same weekends I have mine and it's a nightmare. When I do see him it's on his terms and his kids schedule so wondering if it's better to just not see him at all when his kids are there?

But then every other weekend we won't see each other so is that damaging to our relationship? Or is it more damaging to be bored and on the sideline and abiding by what his kids want to...

Like to know what works for others....

OP posts:

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ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 06/04/2018 12:43

presumably you see your boyfriend the weekends neither of you have your DC. So every other weekend? Not sure how that’s a nightmare. See your kids when theyre with you. Your boyfriend and his children don’t need to be involved in that.

Givenup43 · 06/04/2018 12:46

My children are older so do their own thing... his are 11 and 8 so I basically have to drag along with them every other weekend... while he ignores me.

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ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 06/04/2018 12:49

his are 11 and 8 so I basically have to drag along with them every other weekend

No you don’t. You have your own life. You just aren’t living it. You’re living his.

lunar1 · 06/04/2018 12:51

You don't have to you are choosing to. You have every other weekend together child free. Do you think his time with his children should be spend doing what you want?

Givenup43 · 06/04/2018 12:57

So do you that spending every other weekend apart would damage our relationship?

Shouldn't we be doing things togetger? Or while his kids sit for hours on their computers, that we should have some time chatting/eating/watching tv?

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ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 06/04/2018 13:00

Shouldn't we be doing things togetger

You do. On the childfree weekends. Why do you need to see him every weekend? Are you very insecure?

Xmasbaby11 · 06/04/2018 13:01

I would let them have time together most Of the weekend, see each other mealtimes and evening?

I don't think it's damaging to the relationship and I can't see that it's so much time apart. The priority is your dp having time with his kids doing what they enjoy.

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 13:03

I basically have to drag along with them every other weekend... while he ignores me.

Why are you putting up with this ignoring? Don't meet him if you're getting ignored...It's pointless.

However, if the main time he has his kids is when you're there on.the alternate weekends ... they aren't getting his undivided attention and that might be difficult for him to find the balance.

lunar1 · 06/04/2018 13:17

What do you think should happen?

privateporcupine · 06/04/2018 13:19

When else does he see his kids? Does he only see them EOW? Do you see him during the week? How long have you been together?

You say he ignores you, perhaps it’s just that he prioritises his kids, depending on all of the above?

YoucancallmeVal · 06/04/2018 13:26

Are you married but living separately? If not, you aren't really a step family, you are dating a man with kids so surely this is fairly normal

backinthatdress · 06/04/2018 13:26

do you also see him week days?

I dont see a problem with him habving his kids every other weekend and you doing your own thing!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 06/04/2018 13:26

I wouldn’t be giving any of my valuable free time to someone who chose to ignore me during it. Regardless of why they were ignoring me. I don’t find sitting around someone else’s house while they vaguely parent their children an attractive prospect so I wouldn’t be there in the first place to be ignored. I’d be off seeing friends, having a life. I’d see my boyfriend when he was actually free.

NorthernSpirit · 06/04/2018 13:48

You get to spend EOW child free withbthe dad, it’s not a lot to ask to ‘let’ him spend EOW with his own kids. You can tag along if you want to.

My OH has 2 children (9 & 12). He sees them EOW and has them half of the holidays. We live together. We get 12 days on our own between the kids visiting, so I think it’s only fair he prioritises the kids when they are with us. They do loads of stuff together (I think it’s important that get to spend time alone with dad) and I tag along for bits of things.

Cabininthewoods69 · 06/04/2018 13:48

Being married or not does not change how you see your family. If you see It as step family then that's your choice and no one can change that. I'm married but our step family doesn't include all of us just those who want to be part of it. My advice don't date a guy with kids, it take twice as much work and at times pure shit. Other times it's amazing.

lookingforaline18 · 06/04/2018 14:45

In your shoes I would just concentrate on my own children and leave him to concentrate on his if you both don't live together. That way schedules won't clash. You don't live together as a family anyway so it really doesn't matter. Maybe Once a month all get together or something.
That means you get to keep your childfree weekends with your partner.

Givenup43 · 06/04/2018 14:51

Well it used to be better ... we would meet up and go for walks or to a park.... then have dinner together and spend alot of the evening before going home. Or have days out.... then we could be a couple and be together and the boys had fun.

So I suppose I expect a better balance from his side

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Magda72 · 06/04/2018 15:05

@Givenup43 - I'm posted re this on two other threads at the moment.
Dp & I getting married later this year.
At the moment he lives with me & sees his eow in the house he has retained in the town where his kids (12, 15 & 18) live, or brings them up to stay with us depending on what's on. I have one at uni & my other two (12 & 16) go to their dads eow when dp's kids are with their dm.
We thought we would buy a house together when married but I've now decided we should stay as we are and live apart on the weekends when we both have our kids. I think this will be hard on our relationship physically but emotionally & mentally it will save us!
There's many reasons I've come to the conclusion that blending won't work for us but one is that my kids are outgoing & busy with friends etc. at weekends, but his just want to hang around. So my week is spent working & being mum to my kids & my weekends when his kids are up are spent revolving around dp & his kids watching/going to sport all weekend long. I can't get near my tv or my kitchen & have to retreat to my room to get some peace or I take my kids out if they're not with friends just to get some space. The kids don't want to do the same activities/eat the same food/watch the same movies & I feel like those weekends are all about just managing to get through until Sunday evening.
On the plus side the weekends dp & I have without our kids are pure bliss so I just have to see those weekends as making up for the weekends we spend apart.
In my case I've just come to the conclusion we've too many kids between us who are just too different in personality/interests & who are being parented in two completely different ways. Us all being together on a regular basis is just too stressful & I genuinely think our relationship will benefit from some mental breathing space.
It could be a positive experience for you if you go down this route .

lunar1 · 06/04/2018 15:09

You get half the weekends in a month exclusively with him to yourself. You are not asking for balance, you are asking for more than half and want to control how he spends his time with his children.

ovendoor · 06/04/2018 15:09

With regards to only seeing each other EOW, my partner works every other weekend, which involves him being away. Our relationship is very strong.

Magda72 · 06/04/2018 15:19

I should add I see very little of my dp during the week as he works away & often only gets home one evening a week. However I consider ourselves a very strong couple. We chose each other not each other's kids & while the kids are very important we are striving to work on our quality (not quantity) time together moving forward.

swingofthings · 06/04/2018 15:20

Why don't you see each other during the week? Do you live too far apart?

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Givenup43 · 06/04/2018 15:36

I see my partner every tiesday night and ROW. He has his kids 50/50 So every Wed and Thurs as well as EOW

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Givenup43 · 06/04/2018 15:41

So to the people who do spend lots of time apar, do you have alot of nessages and contact during that time to keep the spark alive?

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Givenup43 · 06/04/2018 15:44

Wow sorry about all the mistakes above... hopefully you understand?!

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