Over reaction or I did wrong?

[Melrose78]

Hey all. I'm looking for some advice.
I've been with my bf now for nearly 3 years. We are looking at moving in together but I'm feeling uncertain it's wise.
He has 3 girls who are nearly 16, 13 n 9.
They're are awesome kids but very messy. I'm forever asking them to put dishes in sink, turn off lights n clean any food mess they leave (when at my place ) The nearly 16 year old os the worst. The younger 2 most times do their best but she doesn't bother. She hides when she knows it's time to clean up.
I mentioned to bf yesterday he needs to start encouraging ALL of them to clean up.
Didn't mention names.
Later on I noticed a brown mark that was large on couch and asked if anyone has spilt anything.
He had a go at the girls n told them to be more careful (totally wasn't my intention at all. I normally don't say anything n clean up whatever it is)
Eldest said could be dog slobber (i checked that it wasn't wet before I said anything)
Before I knew it he was telling me I shouldn't point fingers etc.. Considering I asked a question I was pretty angry.
Later I said to him I rarely say anything n am hurt it became what it became.
Today we are doing our own thing. After nearly a month in each others pockets (the 2 of us went overseas for nearly 3 weeks)
Did I approach it wrong? Or is he being over sensitive (he said he felt like he had to defend his girls) His previous relationship before he n I seems to have been constant bickering between ex gf n his eldest. Maybe he's worried it will happen again?

[Wdigin2this]

Does he have full custody, or does he only see then at set times e.g. EOWeekend. If it's the latter, he's probably trying to not have a go at them, because he's guilty about not being in their lives 24/7, this happens a lot! So he's being a DisneyDad, trying not to upset them in anyway, and telling them to clean up is obviously not what they want to hear!
My advice to you is......wait, at least another year! Then look at the situation again, if you move together as things are, it'll drive you nuts, which will cause a lot of tension and upset!

[MaisyPops]

If he only sees them on weekends then he's potentially Disney Dad territory.

I wouldn't move in whilst he allows his children to behave that way and show no respect for your house.

[Melrose78]

He has them every Wednesday after school until Thursday morning and every second weekend, Friday to Monday.
I know it will do my head in. I know kids are kids but when the eldest does nothing and he knows it (he used her name during our discussion later that day, saying I was blaming her...umm no i said. No names were mentioned )
I know he tries to be careful because the eldest dd has anxiety but he n his ex aren't doing any of the girls any favours by babying them. I saw my ex do that with his son n the end result was son on drugs, not working n blaming me n everyone else for his problems. I swore I would never walk that path again n will stand by that!

[Wdigin2this]

Well, if you do move in together, you're in for a hard road! If you can't sit down together and have a calm conversation about expectations, on all sides, without it get into a slanging match, I don't think moving in right now is the answer.

[TwitterQueen1]

I really wouldn't move in together - if you're starting off at this point it's only going to get worse from here on in.

And please use 'and' not 'n'! It's incredibly irritating!

[Melrose78]

Lol you're worried about me using "n" instead of "and"? Isn't there worse thing in life to worry about? 😂

[MrsDc7]

And please use 'and' not 'n'! It's incredibly irritating!

For goodness sake words fail me

[MrsBertBibby]

It is annoying, though.

OP, you don't sound like you're cut out for living with someone else's kids.

[MrsDc7]

To be honest OP, I would be inclined to wait a few years under those circumstances. By that point the older two will probably be less likely to stay over as much and may be off doing their own thing. If the mess bothers you that much it will only cause arguments and potentially ruin your relationship. It isn't worth the risk, especially if your OH is the type of person to feel he needs to defend his girls to you while they are listening - when all you have done is ask a question. That would annoy me and doesn't show a united front.

[MrsDc7]

@mrsbertbibby why is it annoying? It's quite clear what she means and is no different to abbreviating other words. Do you find 'can't' or 'lol' annoying? It's unnecessary and rude to post telling someone not to do that in my opinion (which I am entitled to... as are you)

[TwitterQueen1]

When someone is trying to read and make sense of sentences it is very confusing to come across random 'n's. Especially when the rest of the post is written in 'normal' (good) English as opposed to 'text' speak.

If words fail you MrsD7 try a dictionary. It was a simple request and statement of opinion on my part, not a judgment.

Yes OP, there are worse things to worry about - like moving in with someone who has DCs that do not seem to respect you or your belongings.

[MrsDc7]

@TwitterQueen1 I have a dictionary thank you. I'll lend it to you if you like. It may help you to look up the word 'obnoxious' for future reference

[Melrose78]

I totally agree MrsDc7.
It's actually an ongoing issue with my bf as well, especially the eldest girls bedroom, but funny enough I'm the one who said her personal space is just that. Close the door. If she runs out of clothes, that's her issue.
I'm hoping to have a talk to bf tomorrow to discuss what happened. Hopefully we can talk level headed and (can't be bothered arguing over the letter n 😂)
try and understand each other better.
It upset me that he did react like that in front of the girls. A simple question become a drama. I personally believe that if you have an issue you discuss it away from the kids. Discussing it in front of them causes more issues.

[fourpawswhite]

Well you say he had a go at the girls then backtracked when she said it could be the dog. Presumably if you have been away the 2 of you for three weeks he's not seen them at all? Unless you took them. So guilt on his part, missed contact them having a go?

[MrsDc7]

Yes you're absolutely right, any issues like that should be discussed well away from the kids because no good comes from them thinking that you two don't have each other's backs. Best of luck to you... no one said blended families are easy! I speak from experience

[Melrose78]

Lol MrsDc7. I'm hearing you! After being in a relationship with a man for 7 years with a son I learnt 1. No matter how you word things, there are times when the parent can be super protective 2. United front is a must (if I was abusive I would understand being told I'm wrong. But that's not me at all) 3. Kids are hard work. Loved my exs son and love my bfs girls. I'm not trying to parent them. I only ask they clean up after themselves. 4. I can only do my best 😊

[swingofthings]

Some teenagers are totally messy and you can repeat over and over and over that they need to clean, punish them, take things away from them, police every of their move, they will still remain messy. You then find that all you do is indeed police them and tell them off which totally kills the relationship.

It's very hard, especially for step-parents to cope with this. My DH is very tidy naturally and really struggle with my kids messiness. Unfortunately, I was very much like them at their age and it's not my parents telling me off over and over that changed it. What did was getting my own place and giving birth to my DD.

I think you need to consider what it would mean to you moving in with them and accepting some level of mess. What would be acceptable what wouldn't be. My kids are not allowed mess in the living room/dining room. They have to clean after themselves in the kitchen, but that's the part they rush and do in such a way that I often have to go behind to tidy up (ie. things dropped on the floor but not swept, pieces of food left in the sink).Their bedroom is a scary area, but I consider it their place. They are not good with the bathroom, so I clean it weekly (DH and I have an ensuite). DH can just about cope with this, although still finds it hard.

[lattewith3shotsplease]

OP,
Its natural he's going to always defend his Children.

You wont just be moving in with him though, the DC are part of the package.

Maybe have a good read of the other posts about step children, and the issues that can happen.

[FinallyHere]

You say that you haven't moved in together yet, but you appear to be under the same roof in the examples you describe. I would tend to avoid spending too much time at his, when the 'children' are there and certainly not have them at your place.

Obvs. then, do not move in together until they have grown up and left home. Simples.

[SandyY2K]

Im not sure moving in is a good idea tbh. Things will only get worse and could be the end of your relationship.

Teenagers can be a pain in the neck with their mess.

[Melrose78]

I was just reading an article in regards to step mums and found it actually really insightful. It pointed out many things I actually didn't realise that I was doing wrong in my previous relationship. Kinda explains my fears and anxiety now!
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stepmonster/201102/stepmothers-strike-how-can-doing-less-save-your-marriage
I will never marry again. I decided that when I separated from my ex. But I also said I won't be the type that won't date a guy with kids. I love kids. I knew my stepson sadly chose the wrong path due to lack of parenting by both his parents.
But to step back and think I also created the resentment I held for my ex (I knew his son wasn't to blame) for what became of our relationship was also because I chose to put everything else before me. To get approval. To feel worthwhile.
This doesn't change the massive doubts I have with my bf and 3 dd moving in but it also makes me realising I'm repeating a pattern. Hmmm

[HeckyPeck]

The fact that he undermined you in front of the kids rings massively alarm bells for me.

They're never going to respect you with him like that.

[Melrose78]

**HeckyPeck that's part of the issue. The other is I've started altering how I live to meet my bf in the middle on what he feels comfortable with. Eg my dog has always slept on her bed in my bedroom. He didn't like that so she sleeps in the laundry when he stays over.
I allow him to put her outside when she's too much for him. She is my shadow and him coming from a non animal family, finds it too much sometimes.
I refuse to put her outside permanently though. I was raised dogs ate part ofvthe family. That's where I draw the line.
But now feel like everything has to be how he wants it. No compromise.
He said to me he didn't understand why I made an issue about the couch. It wasn't me making an issue as such. It was me asking a question. He believes his girls make less mess then my dog (hair loss I sweep up daily)
Earlier on the eldest dd decide when I gave her and the youngest dd some electric beater attachments to lick, to ignore my request they do it in the kitchen (red velvet cake batter that was a bit liquidity)
I didn't make an issue because I know with eldest dd it's not worth it. Youngest followed suit and spilt what was on attachment. I knew this had happen when she started demanding her older sister to get a tissue and help clean up.
After decorating the cake the two youngest cleaned as best they could. The eldest dd got up and walked off.
I know she will never change. Her Mum is messy like her and my bf doesn't seem to like discussing these things with her. Fear she won't stay over anymore, I guess.
She's the typical going on 16 teenager. I was her once. And I'm not asking for anything big. Just to clean up her on mess. Bedroom doesn't worry me. I can close the door. But the areas everyone uses shouldn't be abused. Including wearing slippers on the couch.
The original plan was he keep his house and I keep mine. We trial living together with the girls. I wasn't willing to sell my house and security blanket and I didn't want him to either.

[HeckyPeck]

It sounds like you're the one making all the sacrifices here, but he's not willing to make any.

I'd go back to letting my dog sleep on the bed and stop him from putting her outside. She sounds a far better companion than he is anyway!

I'm glad you're not selling your house too.

[Melrose78]

Well it's now over anyway.
I was told via messages he's not over his divorce and doesn't know if he ever will be.
What more can one say (though so damn angry he chose text to say all this ) to this?
"Mel, life you with you has been a joy, from the minute we found each other, you are and always will be a breath of fresh air, a very giving and kind soul, you have given me so much love and have always lightened my days, I have been through some rough times in my life and you helped me put things back together to see more happy days than sad. I understand when you say our relationship has been a rollercoaster it has been yes, and yes it’s been tough here and there, good relationships are supposed to have hiccups and ups and downs, not always roses. I will always believe that we have Love for each other and understand we have had our differences over the years and yes you have made a huge effort to accept my girls and I into your life, as we have you. We will always have a special place for you in our hearts. I’m totally to blame at the moment, I’m holding on to life sometimes with a thin grasp, I’ve probably never shown you the true pain in my heart caused by my separation, I have always struggled to move on and it still pains me everyday when I look into my children’s eyes, failure as a father leaves unrepairable scares, something a parent will only ever understand. I do love you and I feel that I’ve have given my heart to you with only the best of intentions. I’m not angry or upset with you, you make that nearly impossible. I don’t think I’m truly ready to move on and not sure if I ever will be. I hope in time these scars in my heart will heal and I can give my all to you"
Gotta say his broken me.