I think being a SM is making me depressed

[TwoDots]

I should correct that really. Being with a man with a child is making me depressed. His daughter is actually wonderful and I have a lovely relationship with her.

I just need to write this down.

I've been with my partner for a year and a half. He has his daughter half the week. We want to live together but can't afford to. I have a son who's father buggered off years ago. I've been on my own for a long time before this relationship. I just want to feel part of a family now, as does my son

There's been some bad history in this relationship. Small stuff, but enough to make me feel insecure and anxious. I've never felt so anxious in my life.

My partner and his ex almost got on too well. There were no boundaries. They used to send each other selfies (no child in pic). In fact he once sent me the same selfie as her but put a kiss on the end of her message. Not mine. They were constantly texting, going for drinks, he once even refused to meet me as she was on the phone crying to him...she had a boyfriend at the time too. It took 18 months for him to change his passcode on his phone from her birthdate. We'd be having meals together and she would phone about meaningless things. He even went on tinder behind by back to speak to a girl who knew his ex's new boyfriend. There's more and as you can imagine has caused a lot of strain. I begged him to put some boundaries in place which he has. I just think trust is broken and I feel so built up with resentment

My partner is a 'yes' man. Anything she asks he says yes to. 8 holidays a year....no problem. For the first 9 months it meant I rarely saw him as he had his daughter (much more than half the time), using all his holiday so she could go away with her boyfriend all the time. I didn't meet his daughter fir a long time which I agree with but put such a strain on us as he works awful hours too

All of this aside, things are lovely. He's a good man, but he simply cannot understand why I'm on edge. I'm trying to get past it, but I just feel such anger and resentment. The fact he doesn't understand and has zero tolerance for emotion (I get emotional over it) means I feel a freak and thus making me depressed.

I've stayed as he's made so much improvement to the situation. I'm on edge as schedules and plans change constantly to work around her social life. Doesn't help my resentment at all. I just need to feel I have a bit of say in things that affect me (I've posted about how all over the place their arrangement is before)

Ergh, it's not normal to feel like this is it? How do I lose this anger and resentment? I know it's not helping and I'm at fault for a lot of arguments too

Not the fairytale eh?

[sororitynoise]

Dump him.

[OutToGetYou]

This is nothing to do with being "stepmum", and all to do with him being a dick.

It won't get better. Dump him.

[ImperialBlether]

I've never felt so anxious in my life.

Look at what you've said, OP. This is a terrible way to live. You can resolve this in one easy move by dumping him and moving on. You and your child want to be part of a bigger family - that's really great as some people don't want step families at all. You've clearly got a lot of love to give but you are giving it to someone who isn't reciprocating and isn't actually worthy of you.

If you dump him, that anxiety will vanish. You will remember what it's like to be stress-free - it'll be wonderful.

[babybigapple]

He's not over her and the child is a convenient reason for maintaining contact. You've got to end it but you'll feel so much better once you do if it's making you anxious

[holeinmyheart]

OMG you need to leave this abusive relationship because you deserve better than this. Come on sweetheart, man up and put yourself and your son first.....why not ? your 'waste of space ' partner is hardly putting you first is he?
He is treating you with utter selfish contempt.
You are behaving like a masochist because you actually know what is making you unhappy. HIM ! You would think at the start of the relationship he would have treated you with some consideration...but he hasn't and from what you have said...he never will.
Get out and look for someone else. You can make the move sooner or later but if you are clinging on to the hope that he will improve.....you know he won't.

[ElspethFlashman]

Only a year and a half and your mental health is suffering. It's time to take care of yourself more than you take care of this shitty relationship.

[TwoDots]

I know. I think this all the time.

I can't express how much he has made changes. He has listened. Things like that no longer happen, haven't for months, but I almost feel I will never get past it.

It's got to the point where I resent her very existence. We argued the other day as he called her at work to ask her to pick up some cream from the pharmacy on the way home . He was due to see her that day anyway. I was like you could have waited to have seen her or at least text her. Why call at work? But he made me feel silly as it was about medicine as he said. But that's what it's got to....I think I'm just paranoid now

The real problem is that he just thinks nothing of it all. If roles were revered he'd be perfectly ok with it he says

He is a lovely man, honestly. Too lovely and no boundaries

[TwoDots]

My son loves him so much. My partner has agreed to take him on as his own eventually. Complicated things further as my son is heartbroken to not have a father figure

[ladystarkers]

Its nothing to do with him having a child. Hes a twat. Run fast.

[ElspethFlashman]

"eventually"

You'll end up whistling for that, love.

[TwoDots]

I promise he's not a twat. He's inconsiderate yes, probably too secure in himself so he does t see a problem, but I know he does love me and care.

He has made changes. I've had to fight for them, granted, but it's improved a million times over. I've given some background to explain my anxiety and paranoia as he put it.

Is there a way to move past it or once trust is broken, is it broken for good?

[ElspethFlashman]

You're miserable, love. Fucking miserable. Life's too short.

[swingofthings]

The relationship is not abusive and he is not a dick, you are just at different stages of it and want different things. He clearly sees you more as a girlfriend (that he loves very much) whereas you would like to be at a more committed partner-like stage.

You need to decide how to take it forward. You can be patient and hope that he gradually wants to move to the next stage (my OH was very careful to and I had to be more patient than I would have liked, but we got there, married and he is now totally devoted to me), or you can decide that it is not what you want, don't trust that it will get anywhere further and decide to move on for your own sanity.

Of course, you can also put pressure on him and start imposing conditions. That might work, at least temporarily, but it could also lead to him growing more and more resentful as you feel happier and more secure.

[Justdontknow4321]

He is a twat, you just love him and can't see it clearly.

Leave.

[TwoDots]

Swing thank you

He wants to move in with me. It's finances preventing things though we are working on that. He now is at the stage where he tries to put me first but as he's not bothered by things generally, he doesn't have the same level of understanding.

He promises he will try his best but there are fuck ups which I massively overreact to due to all the stuff I've said above.

I'm just so angry and resentful and I don't know how to let go.

[TwoDots]

I do really appreciate all your advice. If I was on the outside looking in, I'd say the same too

I don't want to give up yet. God if he can cope with my meltdowns and still want to try, then I should try too

I feel like I need space. Not necessarily from the relationship, but from his old one. I know she'll always be there but I'd live it if they could just stick to the schedule for a few months to allow us to live in peace a bit. I wish the phone calls at work would stop . I can be flexible if it affects his daughter of course, but I need our relationship to be repaired a bit, nurtured, and with minimal interruption. It would be nice if his mum didn't talk about her too much also

Is that unreasonable?

[babybigapple]

It's beyond your control though and it sounds as if you're the only one that sees it as an issue. You can't change how they all behave for a few months to improve your relationship. You've either got to let it go and accept it or let him go.

[TwoDots]

I see your point. Just trying to think of anything to help, as deep down I don't think I can accept things. The amount of times me and my son have sacrificed for her social life is beyond count now. Of course they're happy with it as it doesn't have the same impact, although my partner is starting to see it affects my boy too

[swingofthings]

I personally think that anyone who is trying to make changes and therefore listening is worth fighting for but hey, that's me! If I'd posted here and listened to some of my friends 8 years ago, I would have left my OH. We are now about to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary and couldn't be happier. It took time to get where we are. We are very similar in many ways, which is what got us together, but also different in other way and some things we perceive very differently. It takes time to see things how the one we love do.

It sounds like your OH is very laid back. He is trustworthy and therefore assumes others have no reason not to trust him. He comes across as a very friendly chap happy to please others, and these are probably some of the qualities that you love, but at the same time, make you feel a bit insecure.

You need to move together. He is making efforts to make you feel more secure, you need to make efforts to let him be himself. You'll get there.

[SweetEnough]

I completely understand how you feel, My partner was is a yes man too, every request from ex was yes because that's what he was used to, to keep the peace.

I needed a set routine not to be used as ad-hoc childcare!

After a while of her demands requests affecting me and my kids I'd had enough. I told him he chooses who he needs to keep happy his ex or me; remembering he lives with me, and that while I want him in my life I don't need him there.

Needless to say he realised and things have improved, he just needed a push.

[holeinmyheart]

It is very hard to be in a relationship where the other partner has children. They are their flesh and blood and their loyalties should be with them.
However, this situation is causing you such pain and his commitment is not going to stop isn't it? Why should it, as he is a Father ? But if it is too painful for your to bear then you have to give up for your own mental health.
Or what about a break? If you decided on a break, he could sort his head out and you could sort out yours. Sometimes we need space to think and get things into perspective. You know the answer yourself. Listen to yourself. I don't think he is being deliberately abusive but the cost to you of this relationship feels enormous.

[TwoDots]

swing he does try but our differences are the opposite end of the spectrum. Like you though, we are so alike and compatible in many different ways. It's just navigating through this. I do feel hurt, really hurt, from his previous behaviour and as much as my logical self can reason with it, the anxiety, anger, and resentment creep in

sweet, thank you for your understanding on this. I'm glad your words have made a difference. Slowly I think mine are too, but the damage has been done a bit. Thank you for not suggesting I need to deal with it or leave and give another perspective

hole, I agree that he's always going to have this other responsibility. I honestly don't think his behaviour in the past was down to responsibility. There can be separate lives and healthy boundaries in place. I don't want him to be horrible to her, but I also don't want him to send her selfies when out running. That goes outside of parental responsibility. This certainly isn't about his daughter...she's lovely and I really enjoy my time with her. I just need the focus to be this way more and including his daughter. I acknowledge I need to let go of the resentment, but when this woman is a constant presence and a constant disruption to mine and my sons life, it's really bloody hard

I can't thank you enough for your comments. Even just writing it down has helped. I am on a downward spiral mentally.

[holeinmyheart]

Two dots, you are the only one who can decide how hard it is. You can sit it out and make some changes to YOUR attitude, in the hope as as he gets more entrenched with you, she lessens his hold on him.

Or have a break. A break would make him reassess his behaviour. It might make him realise how important you are to him and things need to change to make his life with you more tolerable. What about three months? And stick to it with no contact of any kind. You then have to discuss some conditions and be honest.
At the moment, you know that you can't continue with the amount of involvement he has with his ex. He is not taking your concerns seriously. A break would make him realise that you mean business.
I think you could do with some counselling regarding self esteem. The evidence for my suggesting counselling comes from the fact that you are putting up with a situation that is harming you. This is not healthy. We should all put ourselves and our wellbeing before others ( not our children) no one should be expected to sacrifice themselves for someone else. This isn't being selfish, it's listening to your inner voice.

[TwoDots]

Hole I completely understand what you are saying. I will consider a break if things don't improve. At the moment he is putting in effort. O know I need to do the same. He's just been on the phone to me to say plans have changed tomorrow regarding contact. It's annoying but I'm trying to it let it get to me too much (it does)

I think I have this attitude of don't give up incase things improve. It's probably a stupid attitude to have. My self esteem is at an all time low probably. My sons dad literally turned my world upside down, then raising a chance of with zero support has taken its toll. I don't know who I am anymore. It took me years to date again. This is the outcome. My partner is a lovely man but I must admit I wish I'd chosen a man without such complication

[TwoDots]

**raising a child, not chance!