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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

My DSD has been bad-mouthing me to her mum. I am upset.

39 replies

steppinstone · 05/10/2016 04:07

I thought we had a good relationship. But I've discovered that my 18 year old DSD has been bad mouthing me to her mum, and saying I am cruel to her (about asking her to help around the house, largely). Her mum has been sending vitriolic texts to DH on the back of this.

I am so cross that I am on the verge of asking them both to move out. I have had enough. AIBU to be upset by this? I am really starting to dislike DSD.

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Apachepony · 05/10/2016 08:43

Yes, I've just found out the same. Sorry, no advice but I really have less than warm feelings towards her at the moment.

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crusoe16 · 05/10/2016 08:43

Of course you're not BU. I don't have much experience of 18 year olds so I don't know if it's to be expected but I do think that very often DSC are in a position of having to tell their DP's want they want to hear. She might not mean it? Sounds like Mum is still very angry with Dad. Guessing hearing what a wicked SM you are would be right up her street.

Can you speak to your DSD?

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junebirthdaygirl · 05/10/2016 09:28

A lot of 18 year old don't like doing housework so she likely went home whinging and her dm has risen up in arms. Don't buy into it. If ye have always got on pretty well keep that in mind.

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Finola1step · 05/10/2016 09:35

Now that she is legally an adult, this might be a good time for your DH to revisit the communication he has with his ex re their dd.

And you are absolutely spot on that when your SD is in your home, she takes her share of the household responsibilities.

18 year olds moan. Her mum is being ridiculous for buying into this.

What does your dh say?

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steppinstone · 05/10/2016 09:57

Thanks all for responses.

Sorry you are going through this too Apachepony.

I feel like I've been wasting my time.

DH tried to justify everyone really. He hates confrontation. He doesn't think DSD should be doing housework.

I am really at the end of my tether. I am fantasising about them moving out at the moment. I wake up in the night fuming with the both of them.

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NNChangeAgain · 05/10/2016 10:45

Assume you're going to be the bad guy and then anything else is a positive.

It sounds brutal but being a step mum requires the hide of a rhino and the ability to emotionally disengage.
If you don't care what your DSD thinks of you, and think even less of her mothers opinion, then they can't hurt you.

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crusoe16 · 05/10/2016 11:04

I have those fantasies too OP. Often.

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ayeokthen · 05/10/2016 11:06

It's a kick in the teeth when that happens OP, I have been there too. DSD told everyone I was a bitch because I expected her to help out with tidying bedrooms (as all the kids are expected to do!) and put her laundry in the basket and take her plate through to the kitchen after a meal!!! I make no difference between DSDs and DC, they all have to chip in and help.

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steppinstone · 05/10/2016 11:43

One problem for me is that I don't have her parents' unconditional love. My affection for her is largely based on whether I LIKE her or not. Right now I greatly dislike her and think she is manipulative and mean.

I can't reconcile disengaging with treating the children equally. I've largely ignored DSD this week and avoided interacting with her. I can't ask her to do chores any more. So the other dcs are doing them but not her!

I genuinely can't see a way say this n

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steppinstone · 05/10/2016 11:46

*out of this

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SheldonsSpot · 05/10/2016 11:49

My SIL still pulls this shit - slagging off both stepparents to her mum and dad - and she's in her 30's.

Why exactly does your DH think she shouldn't do any housework?

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SoggyWetFlannel · 05/10/2016 11:55

I'm in the same boat at the moment, dsd is younger, but has caused a lot of issues this weekend. Why doesn't your DH think she should be doing chores if the other dc are?

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midsummabreak · 05/10/2016 11:59

One day she will be stressed out trying to get her children/stephildren to help with the chores so that she lives in a fair and happy household and doesn't feel like everyone's doormat.
Until then she wont really get it and will probably continue badmouthing you until something else happens she can't have or is forced to work for. Then that will take precedence for the complaints department. My teens are sometimes really petulant and argue the point about dishes/chores and I wish they would get over themselves.
Your husband can't have one rule for her and another for your children- it's not a fair household. He will have to do his daughters and your kids chores then and the children can all take a break

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steppinstone · 05/10/2016 11:59

She suffers with anxiety and DH thinks that chores are adding to her stress.

Actually the opposite is true because she is just turning into a horrible person to live with.

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steppinstone · 05/10/2016 12:01

Sheldon that's so depressing. :(

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midsummabreak · 05/10/2016 12:02

Normal for teens to whinge re chores
Agree with junebirthdaygirl that it is her mum who has made the problem by rising up against your immoral and evil chores

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SoggyWetFlannel · 05/10/2016 12:06

Steppin its hard being stuck in the middle, isn't it. Dsd (13) has some issues which as coming to light recently, her dad thinks it's best for her to do whatever she wants, instead of having a 'role' in the family. Between that and the barrage of abuse that she's not treated the same as the other dc (who is 5) it's getting to the point where it would be easier to walk away. I don't know anyone else who would complain they were not being treated the same as a 5y/o.

Have you sat and discussed with your DH without anyone else present?

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VimFuego101 · 05/10/2016 12:06

some good advice on here. Your DH is the one at fault, though, for not parenting her and insisting she do chores rather than leaving it to you.

As another poster said, she's 18 now, maybe it's time to revisit how your DH communicates with his ex (or if he really needs to other than in an emergency).

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Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 05/10/2016 12:07

Stop doing things for her if she isn't being a contributing family member. Let dh feed and chase after her every whim.

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steppinstone · 05/10/2016 12:18

Soggy: DSD also complains that she is not treated the same as her 10 year old sister. :(

Dragon: I have been doing that this week: letting DH do everything for her. He has willingly done so. It has made me think he's a sap. I am losing respect for him rapidly.

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ayeokthen · 05/10/2016 12:27

She suffers with anxiety and DH thinks that chores wow she's really done a number on your DH eh? I have crippling anxiety, yet I have to do chores otherwise we'd starve/have no clean laundry/have a bogging house (DP does do his share but I'm a SAHM and he works mental hours). Why won't your DH back you up? Has he said?

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MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/10/2016 12:34

Well done for stepping back and letting her dad take on her care. I was going to suggest that the laundry you wash does NOT have her clothes in. The meals you make are not for her. Any crap she leaves round the house? Dump it on her bed. Hoover up to her bedroom door.
If she wants to not contribute to the chores like everyone else, sod her. She's 18. An adult. She wants to act like a lodger and not a contributing member of the family so be it.

And if her mummy doesn't think her daughter should have to do chores for her own benefit, then she can take her kid in and do all her care instead.

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midsummabreak · 05/10/2016 12:50

Re her anxiety, chores wont make it worse, but the tension between each of you may increase her anxiety.
Very difficult as her mum may be feeling very left out and creating unnecessary tension by being all upset over a few chores.
Does your husband feel he is avoiding further tension and anxiety by agreeing with your stepdaughter and hoping to make her feel he is on her side? She does need to feel you are all on her side, but also needs to be fair and share the chores. It is very hard to get all teens to be fair at times, and mine are no angels either

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SoggyWetFlannel · 05/10/2016 14:11

Step madness isn't it?! Your dsd at 18 is an adult. I understand that your dh doesn't want to add pressure to her anxiety, but it isn't fair on you or the other dc for her not to help.

It's bloody hard to be a good step parent, there's such a fine line to dance. I've found it extremely hurtful that my dsd has been so manipulative between her parents, that I have been the one to be blamed. I can't give you much advice, I can say I'll join your club. But fwiw, I do think that stepping back for now is the best option for you. It is mentally exhausting. You and your dh need to sit and discuss, properly, what he expects and what you expect and find some middle ground.

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swingofthings · 05/10/2016 17:51

I can't see anyone has asked already, but how do you know for sure what she said? Are you just going by what OH's ex said? If that's the case, isn't it unfair to assume that this was an exact recollection of what your SDS said?

Also, maybe she was just having a rant, very much like you are doing here about her, except she talked to her mum instead. She could feel as hurt is she happened to come across this thread.

I think sometimes you need to chill out. My DD is a lovely girl but like all teenagers, sometimes she doesn't like my rules and like to vent and moan and I can just imagine what she has likely been telling her friends about me! It's part of being a teenager and it's their way of expressing their frustration at the fact that they don't yet have full control of their lives.

You just need to rise above it and let it go. The one who did wrong was her mother for complaining to your OH. If she really believed that you were acting unfairly, she should have told her DD to speak to you about her feelings.