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Stepchild - video/photos around house

(40 Posts)
Flossy210 Wed 21-Jan-15 21:19:49

Thoughts on stepchildren using phone to video/photos around house??
I'm a step mum to 11 yr old gIrl. I feel like I have no privacy in my own home!! Everything goes back to the ex as it is without pics & vids inside my house! I can't eat breakfast in dressing gown or no make up in my own home without the phone coming out! I've put a ban on it so she only does it in her room but my husband thinks wrong & complete do not support me on this one. I feel She needs to learn to be respectful of privacy & what happens behind closed doors is our business. I'd be interested to hear from a mums point of view & any other step parents angle on this. Also to add I have no access to her phone or Instagram so I'm trusting her mum & my husband with photos of my own children that she's putting on there.

fedupbutfine Wed 21-Jan-15 21:44:59

I don't think you're unreasonable but she won't see it from your point of view. Young people photograph and film anything these days - few people will be interested as it's mundane stuff. How can you be sure 'stuff' is going back to the ex? and why can't you eat breakfast in a dressing gown or not wear make-up? It's your home, she takes you as she finds you!

I don't think you should have access to her phone but why not follow her on Instagram to see what she's posting?

yellowdaisies Wed 21-Jan-15 21:46:25

You can set up an instragram account and follow your DSD - that way you can at least see what she's put up on there. I have an account solely for the purposes of following my DD (also 11). They're supposed to be 13 to have instagram though so I did make her share her password with me so I can log in as her too. Does seem that all her friends have instragram too - it's all rather new and exciting when you're 11.

I must say I wouldn't have thought pics of you in your dressing gown would make terribly cool instagram posts though - my DD and her friends mainly seem to post pics of new hairstyles, themselves, and crass "inspiring" quotations.

You can ask her not to post pictures of you or your DCs online if you want though. My DSC have FB and instagram and do occasionally post pics of me or my DCs. It doesn't bother me personally and I tend to think you're going to fight a losing battle trying to keep your DCs offline in the long run. Unless you have some real reason to be worried about them being recognised (eg they're adopted, or their dad is violent and doesn't know where you are) then I would just leave her to it.

We have a no phones at the dinner table rule in our house - though mainly to stop the distractions, rather than because of photos.

redredholly Wed 21-Jan-15 21:53:30

I've said no photos of me or toddler DD on social media -- to DSD and everyone else. People look bemused but do go along with it.

Flossy210 Wed 21-Jan-15 22:16:15

I caught her filming my husband taking my 3 year old toilet & my husband shouting telling him to wipe his own bottom! She liked the fact that he was getting told off & she was videoing it! I know everything will be going back to her mummy. I just feel like I can't get away from the ex knowing all my business!! The inside of my house should be private & what goes on it. She can still vid/photo FaceTime etc but just in her room which is her privacy.

robotroy Wed 21-Jan-15 22:24:48

11 is too young for unsupervised use of social media, so her dad should be editing it.

You should absolutely refuse her filming things you are not comfortable with. If you wouldn't let an adult film you in your pants why would you let a child do it? I would not allow it and its not a parent rule its a person rule. Your home your rules its not up to her dad.

robotroy Wed 21-Jan-15 22:27:20

I should add even as a grown woman if I take a relatively private photo of my man and his child relaxing I will ask if its ok to post it even to my private friends only facebook. Its called courtesy you are not a monkey in the zoo.

needsomeunderstanding Thu 22-Jan-15 02:05:36

I understand. My 11 year old dsd is the same.

My dp won't ask her for passwords or even follow her on any social media apart from facebook (which he has an understanding of).

Everything at mums is a closely guarded secret and we are not allowed access to her phone (which we provide and pay for), in case we see something at mums.

Although I have nothing to hide, I also value my privacy. But it appears that on our case, only mums privacy is valued by dp and dsd.

catsofa Thu 22-Jan-15 02:17:07

You absolutely have the right not to allow your photo to be taken or yourself to be videoed in your own home! You also have the right to stop images being taken of your children. Insist!

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 22-Jan-15 02:17:46

Flossy I'm sure you don't mean to name-jack but there is already a long-standing MNer and regular poster on this board with a very similar name. Were you aware of that when you picked your name?

FlossyMoo Thu 22-Jan-15 13:01:49

I am the real flossy wink

PerpendicularVincenzo Thu 22-Jan-15 13:04:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerpendicularVincenzo Thu 22-Jan-15 13:05:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo Thu 22-Jan-15 13:17:47

Hi perp grin

BrainyMess Thu 22-Jan-15 13:21:04

First thing I did when my 11yo DSD was given a smart phone was NO pictures or videos to be taken in the house or garden. End of.

redredholly Thu 22-Jan-15 13:24:35

It is a nightmare all round. I hate smartphones, both for this picture issue but also the fact that the kids demand newer and better ones despite having recklessly lost/broken the 'old' one. Grrr.

BrainyMess Thu 22-Jan-15 13:29:28

Oh and she's not allowed to use it after bedtime, the bloody thing stays downstairs at night.

She's also not allowed ignorantly to be glued to the ffing thing all day.

I will not be ignored or grunted at whiles she's on social media, stuff that rude bollox.

stayathomegardener Thu 22-Jan-15 13:30:57

DD knows she is not allowed to take film or photos of me at home unless she asks,same would apply to any step children or friends of dd.

RainbowFlutterby Thu 22-Jan-15 13:32:55

This is the 2nd thread you've got slating your step-daughter.

You really don't like her at all do you. I think whatever she does will be wrong in your eyes.

LetticeKnollys Thu 22-Jan-15 13:50:10

I wouldn't care about pictures of myself, send her mum a signed photo if she's that interested! wink

The videos of your DS though would piss me right off and I think you're within your rights to kick up a right fuss about those.

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 22-Jan-15 14:20:31

This is the 2nd thread you've got slating your step-daughter.

OP also has a thread in legal about whether she'll recover her equity if she divorces.

TheJingleMumsRush Thu 22-Jan-15 15:58:52

Not really bothered what other threads you have going. I would feel uncomfortable too if I knew the ex could pic up the phone and see pics of me first thing in the morning. I don't think many exw/new partners would want the other seeing them like that. You need a few ground rules regarding the use of the phone

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 22-Jan-15 19:15:28

Not really bothered what other threads you have going.

I think it's the attitude that's a bit concerning Mumsrush. I completely agree I wouldn't want to be filmed at home. But remearks about the DSD's clothes and 'nobody fancied sporty spice did they?' plus a generally hypercritical attitude won'thelp.

OP you need to decide if you are in or out of the marriage, set ground rules in partnership with your DH and try to find some warmth for ylour DSD is this is going to work.

TheJingleMumsRush Thu 22-Jan-15 19:22:50

All I mean is I can only respond to what I'm reading here. And people may comment on other threads in a one sided manner or without the whole story having not read all of it themselves. And I think MN themselves say not to refer to other threads in a post (but I could be wrong)

Storm15 Fri 23-Jan-15 13:05:43

I understand. I deleted some photographs from my DSD's phone a couple of weeks ago - she'd been taking pictures of our younger kids and I in the bath...innocent fun at the time but I wouldn't want Mum seeing them or anyone else for that matter!

Fortunately my DSD doesn't have any social media accounts yet and DH has disabled the Internet on her phone / iPad apart from 'approved' websites such as the National Geographic... DSD's understandably not too thrilled about that ;-) DH and I are on the same page with this stuff though, basically we both find the concept of parenting in this digital age utterly terrifying!

I won't have any problem with DSD posting pictures of her (clothed) siblings on Facebook / Instagram etc though when the time comes. I think that's a little unreasonable. What real harm could come of it?

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