Good or bad I always lose!!

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Ours was good. We were kid free for most of it. But we were ment to have dsd and dss at the weekend. This didn't happen because apparantly dsd doesn't want to come over.

Apparantly I always shout at her and give her and her brother a row for anything.

On Xmas day the dog was in their room (he's not allowed and kids know this) dog is still young so quite nippy hence why not allowed in room or alone with kids. But he was in their room. Dsd was screaming at dog for mouthing and stealing her socks. I was pisses off and shouted at the dog to get out not dsd the dog. This transpired to me bawling at her and her cousin heard it all as she was on face time.

This all turned into an argument with dp and his ex about how I shouldn't be disciplining the kids. But dp has always said if he ain't there then I can tell them off.

But it seems that dsd is going back to mum telling her I do all the shouting etc. I am sure it's just her way of being close to her mum ie if she botched about me her mum will like her more.

But it never goes back that I made night before Xmas boxes or sat and watched movies, played with her hair done her nails baked cakes etc.

It just annoys me that no matter how nice I am it causes a fight with dp and the ex. because I am always made out as the bad guy.

So tonight apparantly I was quite nippy with dss. I do t know what I said but dp pulled me up for it. He couldn't even remember!!! I'm like well if I'm being portrayed as the bad guy then I might as well make it true. (I know that's the wrong attitude but I've tried being the good guy doing the fun stuff and I'm still a bitch)

And I know it's prob their mum making it worse than it is but I feel bad because dp is missing out on the kids because of all of this. I have offered to go away the weekends we have the kids but he told me not to be silly.

I could actually cry. I've done and tried everything. What next??

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I try to detach but then I get accused of not caring or loving the kids.

Also when I say I want to go do something dp says take dsd with you. I'm like no I want to go alone. But I can't say no in front of her. I feel guilted into it.

[Bonsoir]

My best advice is to work really hard at managing everyone so that bad situations that require remedy (aka discipline) don't arise. Make it your job to ensure the dog doesn't go in the bedroom etc.

[Bonsoir]

Does your DP manage his DC and home or does he leave it up to you (and then give you grief for managing the DC)?

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Dp does most of the discipline. I only ever tell them off if he isn't there. I rarely shout or lose the rag. It's him that's like that. But I am a bit sarcastic and blunt. So I think this is part of the problem. I don't mean to be. It's just my nature. It's a very unfortunate trait I have.

[jackydanny]

If you didn't shout/scream you wont get 'caught' doing it.
You mustn't.

[Northernparent68]

You can and should control your sarcasm and bluntness, it is nt helping the situation.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I take it you live in a perfect household where no one ever shouts or gets mad? Maybe if the kids weren't little buggers sometimes it would help and anyway it's dp that does most of the shouting and telling off.

I know my sarcasm etc isn't helping but I really do try to reign it in.

But really , what's the point when I get made out the bad guy no matter how nice or not nice I am?

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I think so too. In the 3 yrs I've been with dp I have never formally met their mum. She doesn't want to. But she does stuff that makes life difficult for everyone. We are sure she slags off the 2 of us in front of the kids which is something we never do.

Their mum comes across as quite nasty and vindictive from what I have seen / learned. So I don't think it helps the situation either.

[MissHJ]

But it's not their mother that is the problem really is it, your partner never backs you up and has also pulled you up on how you talk to his daughter. It's your partner that you need to work on and communicate with. So many women let the ex take all their blame and anger when it's the person next to them who is really not helping the situation. Also how can you expect their mother to be like when she gets her children coming home telling her "always shouted at me all the time and made me cry" and if her own cousin has seen it in action. You may say you are calm and collected, but you can bet the cousin and daughter painted it very different. I would either communicate with your partner and agree how you are able to disclipine his children, or step back and leave it all to him.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I am more than certain the truth gets twisted. Dp has no issues in when or how I discipline as it's rare. But to me when the kids tell their mum why does she not just call and say dsd said this what happened as I kno she might be exaggerating? No their mum comes on the phone guns blazing.

Dp really tries his best keeping everyone happy. But clearly we are both failing at something.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Exactly.

Do just told me that he has spoken with dsd while I was in the shower. She apparantly has no problem with me and never said she didn't want to come anymore and her mum is lying.

I think she is a confused wee girl and says what she thinks each parent wants to hear.

I feel really bad for her because that's a crap place for her to be in.

Thu k I maybe just need to keep doing what I'm doing - probably relax a bit more and maybe not give 2 hoots about their mum. If I know I'm doing right by dp and the kids then that's all that should matter.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Dont even know why I'm bothered, just heard their mum swearing at dsd.

I'd never do that.

Maybe I'm not such a scumbag. X

[goldenlilliesdaffodillies]

I know how you feel. My SS's have painted a really bad picture of me over the years. Much of it was to get attention.

It's extremely hurtful particularly when you have tried really hard and done nice things for them. An example of silly thing is I overheard my adult SS say to one of my family members is that no-one had ever given him a Christmas stocking. The first year I became a stepmum I sat up until 1am handmaking him a stocking which I have filled every year for the past 20 years and gone to great effort to do. It seems silly but I found that so sad as it wasn't true and yet people believed him.

All you can do is keep trying and hopefully one day they might remember the nice things you have done.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

All you can do is keep trying and hopefully one day they might remember the nice things you have done.

The human brain is a funny thing - in times of heightened emotion, it rewrites memories for protection.
I have no doubt that many of the adult stepchildren who "misremember" their stepparents ill-treatment of them when they were children genuinely believe it.

Do what you believe is right by them, but with no expectation of acknowledgement, and an acceptance that you may well be painted as the bad guy no matter what you do. Embrace wickedstepmotherhood!

[maisy1908]

I think you have to pay attention to how you feel. If you feel crappy after yelling- don't yell. And no, I'm not perfect. I have found that when I feel angry I need to make a point to get quieter and calmer and deadly serious. Kids do not respond well to sarcasm. Try the deadly calm approach and see how YOU feel. Then you do not have to worry about their mum or your partner. No one can fault you for giving a very clear and direct message about expectations.

Stick to your guns about how you expect to be treated.

[MeridianB]

I overheard my adult SS say to one of my family members is that no-one had ever given him a Christmas stocking. The first year I became a stepmum I sat up until 1am handmaking him a stocking which I have filled every year for the past 20 years and gone to great effort to do. It seems silly but I found that so sad as it wasn't true and yet people believed him.

God, golden that is really sad. You must have been gutted. Did you not say something? Not sure I could have held back.

[jackydanny]

If you know better, do better.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

See I like when people actually provide support and advice. Know better do better isn't really advice. It's easier said than done.

Anyway I'm just doing my usual. If she has an issue well she can have her issue.I'm doing my best.

[jackydanny]

I disagree.
It's not enough to say 'well, DP does most of the shouting, I only do some' address your some.

Turn towards the better, and away from what is not desirable.

It's that simple.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

So am I to just sit back and get treated like shit by 2 children?

When dp is around it's fine he deals with it but when its just me?? Aye no bother. I'll let them talk to me how they like and show them no boundaries. That's what it sounds like you are telling me to do.

[jackydanny]

Next time you see them, ask for five minutes of their time, apologise for the shouting at them and don't do it any more.

Tell DP you are not getting involved anymore (and don't) he will have to deal with it when he gets home.
If it continues or escalates and you feel you can't manage, don't look after them anymore. Warn them of this.

If one has a tantrum and the other one has a bigger tantrum to end the initial tantrum nothing gets sorted.

Be the change you want to see.

Start looking at other resources on the net.
Ask on here for parenting book recommendations.

I know it isn't easy. Have had to do lots of work on myself too!

Sounds like these DC haven't had the best start, they are just children. Try not to add to their woes.