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AIBU to want XH's ptnr to remove photos

(41 Posts)
CruellaDV Mon 16-Jun-14 18:56:01

XH's partner has photos of her and the DDs all over Facebook, much to my disgust. I feel really cross amongst other things that they are both using the kids as 'fashion accessories', so to speak. He's a complete Disney Dad.

They're getting married soon (not a problem - I'm re-hitched now anyway) but she refuses to engage with XH and me about child-rearing and yet is flouncing around saying "I'll be a proper step mother soon".

- ask her to remove those pictures
- ask them both to engage better with me about bringing up the children, amount and quality of contact etc
- ask that they consider the children's privacy in social networking sites and avoid posting 'family' pictures
- restrict contact with XH unless and until these matters are tackled

Many thanks, you lovely lot xxx

Chocotrekkie Mon 16-Jun-14 19:00:21

What's wrong with her putting photos on Facebook ?

Surely it's a way of her friends/family getting to know the kids who are going to be part of their family soon.

CruellaDV Mon 16-Jun-14 19:07:07

That's true but I suppose my real problem is that she won't lift a finger to even speak to me about the kids herself. I don't want to be her buddy by any stretch of the imagination but I do want her to respect and acknowledge the fact that they are someone else's kids and that while they are swanning around every other weekend, I'm the one doing the bloody hard work bringing them up the rest of the time.

VegasIsBest Mon 16-Jun-14 19:14:17

They are your husband's children too. How would you feel if he started making demands about things you should do or not do?

purpleroses Mon 16-Jun-14 19:14:59

I don't see a problem with it tbh. Most kids put pics of themselves up on FB do no harm her putting them up to. Do long as your DCs are decent in them.

Do your DCs have their own FB accounts? If not then they won't be tagged in them so you can probably avoid setting the photos if you de-friend your ex's DP or hide her posts.

I put photos of my DSC (and my own DCs too) on FB. The older ones are on FB do enjoy looking at them and commenting on them. I don't see you can ban her.

Better to raise the other issues that bother you direct with your Ex rather than with his DP.

purpleroses Mon 16-Jun-14 19:15:55

Bad typing do = so

Chocotrekkie Mon 16-Jun-14 19:16:42

Why would you want to talk to her about the kids ?
Surely it should be their dad you speak to ?

If you want them to have the kids more isnt it a discussion to have wih him ?

Pagwatch Mon 16-Jun-14 19:18:36

I can quite imagine why it grates to be honest. To see her poncing about with your DDs in a 'doting mother photo op' way must get on your nerves.

Sadly though I think you just have to accept that you can't complain without sounding terrible. Plus you can't stop her.

Is there any reaon why you can't block her?

purpleroses Mon 16-Jun-14 19:21:10

I really don't think it's her job to communicate with you about the DCs. That's for you and your ex to do. Her role is to help your ex provide a living home for them in the times they're with them. Feeling that you've got a bum deal doing all the hard work of parenting whilst your ex (and his DP) gets the fun times kind of goes with the territory of being the resident parent really. Not his DP's fault though. Could you ask your ex to do a bit more of the day to day stuff?

Alita7 Mon 16-Jun-14 19:31:01

I don't see a problem with facebook photos either. The kids are a big part of her life too. Though if they're really young then you have the right to say you don't want any pics of them up there providing it's not just her you are restricting. Though atm you can see them, maybe if you say no she'll just make it so you, your family and friends can't see any pics of the kids.

Your xh should be communicating with you not her. If the children like her and she's not rude to or about you then is there a problem. I'd be pleased she was taking such an interest in your kids lives. its good that she's happy she's going to be their step mum, rather than pushing them out and just wanting her dp to herself.

I can see why it might be difficult seeing your kids with a step mum and if her attitude is a bit off towards you then that's an issue too. But I reiterate that it is your ex you should be trying to talk to you about parenting not her!

nomoretether Mon 16-Jun-14 19:55:07

You can ask but have no right to insist.
Restricting your children from seeing their father on this basis would be entirely unreasonable and totally unfair to shove them into conflict between you and their dad/his fiancée.

LambCallaway05 Mon 16-Jun-14 20:19:14

A slightly different POV here, but as a stepmum with no kids of my own, I wouldn't put any pictures of DSD on Facebook. It's absolutely up to her mum and dad to decide what pictures of her are put on social media and as a stepmum, I don't feel it's my place to put pictures of her on the internet with no control over what happens to them once posted.

needaholidaynow Mon 16-Jun-14 20:23:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaluki Mon 16-Jun-14 20:29:40

I've put pics of the dsc on FB and never even thought about it.
I know their mum does too and to my knowledge I don't think it bothers her.
I wouldn't mind my kids stepmum doing this either.
I think you need to air your grievances with your ex regarding contact though - it's nothing to do with the strep mum!

FrontForward Mon 16-Jun-14 20:32:24

I think YWBU if you did say all those things but I appreciate your feelings

rosepetalsoup Mon 16-Jun-14 20:55:36

Hiya - I would never put pictures of my DSC on Facebook, as I would see it as their mum's decision to (really over their dad's, as she's the RP).

brdgrl Mon 16-Jun-14 20:57:47

I'm going to start by saying that I am very sympathetic to anyone who does not want their kids' photos to be on Facebook, full stop. If the parents decide not to post/permit photos, other people - generally speaking - should respect that. I don't post photos of anyone else's children without their express permission, and i really wish other peopel would ask for mine before posting pics of DD!

But, well, it really isn't her making the decision, it's presumably your ex who is fine with having the kids' photos on Facebook. Once he as their parent has decided he is OK with their photos going on Facebook, I don't think it really makes a difference who it is posting them - him, his partner, his parents, his neighbours...If he has given permission, that's the starting point.

Now, if you are opposed to the kids's photos being on Facebook at all, for privacy or security reasons, that is absolutely your right to have that position, and then you need to resolve that difference of position with your ex, just like other parenting differences.

ThisFenceIsComfy Mon 16-Jun-14 21:04:14

This is the reason why I don't put photos of my DAC on Facebook. I think it would piss off their mum.

Makes me a bit sad as I feel like I'm leaving them out of my life in some small way and I wouldn't want them to think that. They don't look at my Facebook (too young) so not a worry yet really.

ThisFenceIsComfy Mon 16-Jun-14 21:04:31

DSC sorry iphone

MummyA1984 Mon 16-Jun-14 22:25:11

I think it's good she clearly likes them enough to do these things, I kind of get why it annoys u but it sounds more like your issue than anyone else's or that your other gripes are actually the problem? In which case definitely bring those things up with their dad

Elizabeth120914 Mon 16-Jun-14 22:28:41

I don't put any pictures or comment on step daughter on fb purely because it doesn't quite feel right.. We have loads of pictures and videos etc at home tho.

I wouldn't like it if the boot was on the other foot either but I'm a private person and my fb contains nothing personal at all so maybe that's just me!

wheresthelight Mon 16-Jun-14 23:13:09

op - will try and answer you points in order;

facebook do you post pictures of your kids on facebook? If you don't then i think you should ask exh to take down the pictures. If, however, you do post pictures of the kids then i am afraid you will look a hypocrite and bitter and are probably best not asking. But be prepared for him to tell you to get stuffed. they are his kids too and if he wants to post pictures you have no right to stop him.

talking to her about parenting sorry but as others have said, this is a discussion for your exh not her. She should not have any input into your child-rearing. she is there to support your exh but the decisions and drive need to come from you and exh - the parents

restricting contact - you do realise how ridiculous this sounds i hope?? Restricting contact over a few pictures and the new wife refusing to engage with you...i am sorry but you sound very bitter. You cannot stop contact because she doesn't want to deal with you. I don't want to deal with dp's exw. in fact unless it is absolutely unavoidable i don't speak to her at all. It is not her job to interact with you.

As much as i hate the phrase - pick your battles! And try and think how you would feel if your exh came to you with all these demands and threatening to stop you having contact with your kids because your new husband didn't want to talk to him and you had put pictures up near a window where people could see in - i doubt you would be very happy!1

sorry, am guessing this isn't what you want to hear

Happybeard Tue 17-Jun-14 07:04:35

Do you put photos up? If you really truly don't, and not does your Ex the. I think she could be a bit more respectful that the two of you choose not to have your kids on social media. But if either of you do the. What's the problem with her putting them up too?

I understand it's hard but you just sound really bitter and I think you need to focus on what's important here. Why don't you unfriend your ex and his new partner? I did that because I got annoyed seeing them out all the time on contact weekends while dd stayed with is mum - I used to wonder why she couldn't be with me if they were just going out anyway. In reality I was pissed off as I felt him and her led this charmed responsible free life that I didn't have and that is jut silly so I deleted them to save myself the anger.

I agree with others that there's no need to talk to her about how to raise the kids. Ideally you and your ex would co parent and discuss issues together but if that can't happen (it can't for us) just use the two-houses-two-sets-of-rules approach.

Stop letting her wind you up. The alternative could be that she didn't accept your kids and excluded them. That would be worse.

swissfamily Tue 17-Jun-14 07:22:20

YI can kind of understand the Facebook thing but really it depends what kind of Facebook user she is; some people have hundreds of friends that they barely know and very lax privacy settings. Others use it as a way to responsibly share their lives with close family and friends. If she's one of the latter, I don't think you're in a place to complain. I don't put photos of my DSD alone on Facebook but I do put group ones of her with our other children up. I wouldn't include her in a cover photo or a profile photo because it wouldn't feel right. If friends of ours post pictures of DSD, we make sure we tag her Mum so she's aware.

She doesn't have any real duty to engage with you regarding 'bringing up the children' because it's not her job to do that; it's your ex-husband's.

As far as restricting contact until they dance to your tune.....that's very unreasonable imo.

purpleroses Tue 17-Jun-14 07:31:57

My ex's DW's FB page (which I was stupid enough to snoop at once) is full of pics of her, my ex, and their toddler with captions saying "my lovely family" and the like. You'd never have guessfrom looking at her page that her DH has two other children who live with them two days a week :-(

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