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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Am I in the wrong?

40 replies

Eden21 · 10/05/2014 18:19

In my last thread I spoke about the issue of me sitting in the back of the car while OH and his son sat in front.

Now at the beginning I was ok with this as this is all he knew however as time has gone on I find it extremely awkward and horrible for me. I feel like an outcast on an outing or like I'm pushed to the back to be forgotten about.

Today I said before we got in the car how much longer do I have to sit in the back as it's starting to grate on me' OH then got annoyed with me and all day could barely look at me.

As we got in from dropping his son off he got quite angry with me and said I was making him choose between his son and me. I explained I wasn't just that I feel like I'm a second class citizen to his son. I basically got reminded I'm second to his son

He doesn't see it from my side and says as he sees his son twice a week he should sit there.

Am I wrong in the way in feeling or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

Report

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/05/2014 18:23

Adults sit in the front, children in the back. What age is dss?

Eden21 · 10/05/2014 18:28

He's 7.

OP posts:

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 10/05/2014 18:30

My dss occasionally sits in the front when I agree or if we are going on a five minute journey. Otherwise, kids on the back. The way your dp spoke to you might be more of an issue. Does he always put you last on minor issues?

OatcakeCravings · 10/05/2014 18:31

Good grief! Adults sit in the front, it's the law (or something).

FaFoutis · 10/05/2014 18:34

Do you have to go with them?

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 10/05/2014 18:35

It is a reasonable request. His response - the sulk and the dramatic 'you're asking me to choose' is childish. Perhaps ask to have a rational conversation about it away from his DC? And it is safer in the back - he should want his child there.

doziedoozie · 10/05/2014 18:37

Well perhaps you could drive next time?

If this isn't what you want to do perhaps find something you do want to do with your weekend and leave them to it and don't rush home to cook for them as it is DHs choice to spend time this way and make you take second place

Roseformeplease · 10/05/2014 18:37

Surely the law is on your side? Is he on a booster seat? Even then, I think you are right and his reaction is appalling.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/05/2014 18:38

Yes his response is ridiculous. He cant honestly think it's normal for children to sit in the front in place of a parent.

How about you do the driving next time and suggest OH sits in the back while dss is in the front. And then insist it happens every time. See how OH feels about that.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/05/2014 18:40

How long have you been together? Is he like this in other ways? Prioritising his son over you like this? I couldn't live like this personally.

ScrambledSmegs · 10/05/2014 18:40

The law is basically that a child under the age of 12 or 135cm should sit in the appropriate booster seat for their age/size and in the rear seats whenever possible as it's safer.

Putting his son in the front is actually putting him at greater risk.

The way he talks to you now - well, in your place I wouldn't be hanging around waiting to sit in the front seat, quite frankly. Sorry .

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/05/2014 18:43

The way he talks to you now - well, in your place I wouldn't be hanging around waiting to sit in the front seat, quite frankly. Sorry .

Agree

OwlCapone · 10/05/2014 18:45

DS has to sit in the front unless you want him throwing up down your neck.

I assume your partner's DS doesn't get carsick though.

Eden21 · 10/05/2014 18:46

Thanks for your replies. He's a tall seven year old. I doubt OH will listen to the safety aspect he'll think it's another tactic from me.

In other aspects of our relationship he doesn't make me unequal or second best it's just the car situation. He did suggest I drive but he doesn't care if he sits in the back apparently.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/05/2014 18:49

I would rather drive tbh. I'm sure your P won't actually like sitting in the back!

ScrambledSmegs · 10/05/2014 18:53

Wouldn't it be awful is someone reported him anonymously for child endangerment .

But seriously, he sounds both foolish and spiteful. What are his good points?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/05/2014 18:54

So then you drive and make him sit in back and see how long it lasts. Dont treat it like a temporary "les see how you like it" thing. Tell him "from now on i'll drive and you gonin back". You'll soon hear reasons why this cant happen forever

How long have you been together?

Btw- you may only be conscious of 1 area where he puts you second but there will be others if you actually think about it and pay attention. A normal respectful partner doesnt just become irrational in one aspect of their relationship. There will be signs of this throughout.

alita7 · 10/05/2014 19:35

I'm assuming before you got together, dss always sat in the front when collected? So he probably doesn't want him to feel pushed out because you are now around.
But I still disagree with it happening all the time, you are the adult, the back is safer and maybe he could go in the front when dp picks him up from his mum's but you sit in the front on trips out, I'm sure he wouldn't relegate any other adult to the back...
I still, despite being an adult myself, offer the front to an older/taller adult aand feel bad sitting in the front if they get in the back.

alita7 · 10/05/2014 19:42

And also of course his child comes first... In the grand scheme of things! I'm not entirely sure how reminding you that you come second when talking about car seats is at all appropriate!
Telling you this if you started an argument because he was refusing to go for a romantic weekend away on his child's birthday weekend would be appropriate...

It sounds like he will drive you mad if every issue that comes up where you disagree with him or where you'd like not to be totally ignored when his son is there ends up with him saying something as ridiculous as that which is also so difficult to argue with - there's no point even bothering if he's already pre decided that you will never understand how important his relationship with his son is...

Mitzi50 · 10/05/2014 19:52

Just asked DS who sits in front when he goes out with his dad and his new partner - he says "it depends". DS is 6' and she's about 5'5" - I think you should be sitting in the front at least some of the time.

Eden21 · 10/05/2014 20:17

Thanks all.

He has always sat at the front so OH doesn't want him to feel pushed out. We have recently got SDS into his own room at night as he is use to sleeping with OH! So in other aspects he has made exceptions for me.

OP posts:

TheMumsRush · 10/05/2014 20:17

No you are not in the wrong, you are the adult and should be in the front. It's humiliating and I wouldn't have it!

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TheMumsRush · 10/05/2014 20:21

And I agree with other others, tell him you are driving from now on.

lunar1 · 10/05/2014 20:58

I would never put a child in the front of the car, so I agree with everyone on that.

Is your relationship new? If he has stopped his ds sleeping in his bed for you I would let other changes happen slowly. Otherwise you run the risk of being blamed by your partners son for him being pushed out.

OwlCapone · 10/05/2014 21:37

How is it humiliating? I assumed the OP was sitting in the back seat, not in the boot with the luggage.

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