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Glorified babysitter rides again.....

(29 Posts)
entersandmum Wed 05-Mar-14 21:19:39

Hmmm. ExW books & pays for concert, informs DP 2 days later DSD10 will be staying tonight.

DP agrees, waits till 1 day before to tell me. Does not mention 4hr gym session previously arranged or meet up with mates.

I say OK, but am working late and have a meeting with after school club about DD4, please start dinner.

Come in tonight.....nothing on for dinner, muddy footprints in kitchen, hallway full of shite & DP / DSD10 are sat watching tv.

DS15 had done his chores and I had collected DD4 at the meeting.

DP spent 20 mins in the kitchen telling me to F. Off because I was upset he hadn't started dinner. Then said he and DSD10 were going out & promptly went to bed 'with a headache'.

It's weird how I actually made enough for DSD10 & DP & how I'm not blazing with anger. Almost like zen state of disappointment!

DP has now f**ked off to the gym, with his head ache & his meet and greet. Had to text him for DSD10 bedtime as it does change depending on his mood and he forgot to let me know. He will probably be back around midnight.

brdgrl Wed 05-Mar-14 21:34:21

sorry, what do you mean he said that he and DSD were going out?

Can't believe the cheek of your DP. Next time he pulls this shit, don't say "OK, but could you start dinner?" - say, "Right, well, didn't I mention, I'm taking DS and DD to TGIFridays - but that's great, it will give you some one-on-one time with DSD!"
Then come home as late as you can possibly keep your DD out (in your shoes, I would be seriously tempted to arrange a last-minute sleepover for the three of you at a friend or family member!) . If he goes out, don't put DSD to bed. Let her sit in front of the TV, play games, read books, whatever - until he comes home and puts her to bed himself.
Don't babysit, in other words.

elliebellys Wed 05-Mar-14 22:45:37

Why on earth would things change.he knows ud give in .time to get tough.dont be a pushover.

entersandmum Wed 05-Mar-14 23:00:06

DP has just arrived back. Did not check on DSD10
. Straight to TV, Mine!....surely after so long things should be ours????

I have noticed I pay for everything, cushions, rent, TV, sofas, even f**king lamps and towels.

I am possibly being taken for a ride, even if you take out the
access by proxy!??

And he has the nerve to F & blind at me......silently furious.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 05-Mar-14 23:13:30

He's a cocklodger who is also using you as a babysitter.

Why are you letting him? Why doesn't he pay for more? Treat you with respect? Look after his own fucking kid? Poor kid and poor you but seriously, what a shite shock

LiberalLibertine Wed 05-Mar-14 23:22:24

Why silently furious? Stop being a martyr, tell him (behind closed doors) you're pissed off and why.

entersandmum Wed 05-Mar-14 23:25:23

Gave DP some cool down space then did the retrospective, we have to talk........Apparently DP is watching xxxxxxxxx.

Apparently wine O'clock is in bed, at mine!

How many SMs would love to say ' Piss off and take your self centered lolita baggage with you

entersandmum Wed 05-Mar-14 23:50:42

Any advice on letting go......DaP will def. Turn into diversion on DSD10

theredchicken Thu 06-Mar-14 06:58:44

If he won't listen, insist on counselling, if he won't go to counselling, then leave.

Don't allow him to use you, emotionally, practically or financially.

Life's too short.

MandMand Thu 06-Mar-14 07:06:18

Does he often swear and shout at you when you have a disagreement? He sounds awful, like he has no respect for you at all.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 07:15:27

"Self centred Lolita baggage"???

He sounds like an arsehole, so I think you should s

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 07:17:00

Gah - too soon!

So, he's an arsehole, but if you're calling a TEN year old a Lolita, you need to take a look at yourself and get the hell out of what's obviously a relationship that's not working for any of you.

You don't have to like the girl, but really - "Lolita"?

mummytime Thu 06-Mar-14 07:23:17

Don't call a girl Lolita unless you are saying you think she is being groomed for sexual abuse. Have you read the book!

Okay the problem is definitely not your DSD or even her mother.

It is your DP. I can see why his first wife divorced him.

daisychain01 Fri 07-Mar-14 07:08:33

And what still attracts you to this person?

His behaviour, just what you have written here, makes me wonder why you want him in your life. What value does he add to your happiness?

Change the locks, if I were you. I expect you paid for them as well

entersandmum Sun 09-Mar-14 00:08:42

Ok. Lolita may have been too strong a word, but when I have to leave the room because DSD10 is kissing DPs bare chest, or they just have to hold hands & sit next to each other at dinner, It's uncomfortable.

DSD10 is def. a mini wife, Unfortunately what DSD10 says, goes in the household.

lunar1 Sun 09-Mar-14 07:21:30

What a disgusting way to describe a child. Your husband is the one in the wrong here, not his dd.

daisychain01 Sun 09-Mar-14 22:06:27

Your DSD10 is behaving in a worryingly inappropriate way to her father!!

He should be putting down strong boundaries with that child and not giving her mixed messages about how she should be.

Have you spoken with him specifically about that? No wonder you walk out of the room!

brdgrl Sun 09-Mar-14 22:11:19

OP, I get it.
Look up "spousification". It is very real, and if it is happening with your DP and his daughter, he really needs to get it sorted. It's not just destructive to your relationship with him, it's not healthy for the girl, who needs to learn that her behaviours are inappropriate.

brdgrl Sun 09-Mar-14 22:12:47

It is not (necessarily, or only) about sexualised behaviours, it is about boundaries and peer-group recognition and appropriate privileges and all the rest!

Funnyfoot Sun 09-Mar-14 22:19:04

Sorry OP but you have confused the fuck out of me????

If you think there is an inappropriate relationship between DP & his DD then you need to be a grown up and report it. If, however this is all in your head and you just dislike/are jealous of DSD then you need to end the relationship.

Also if he is treating you like a twat then you need to end the relationship.

FrogbyAnotherName Sun 09-Mar-14 23:19:59

If you think there is an inappropriate relationship between DP & his DD then you need to be a grown up and report it

To whom?

Spousification is emotional, rather than physical, abuse - the physical boundaries between parent and child are stretched but not broken.
It isn't of concern to SocServ if an emotionally immature 10 year old shares a bed with their opposite-sex parent; particularly if that child is coming to terms with living in two homes etcetc. However, when that sleeping arrangement is coerced by the parent oh, Mummy missed you, so will you sleep in with me tonight?, then it becomes less innocent but SocServ never dig that deep.

There is a world of difference between abuse to satisfy a sexual need (sexual abuse) and abuse to satisfy an emotional need - sadly, there are thousands of children subject to the latter who never come to the attention of the relevant protection authorities.

brdgrl Mon 10-Mar-14 00:29:31

And spousification is not always related to issues around sex or physical contact.

Sometimes a spousified child takes on too many responsibilities - like a preteen girl who take over domestic duties when a mother dies (quite common) or a boy who becomes his mother's emotional crutch when her marriage breaks down (also a common form).

In other cases, the child doesn't have responsibilities, but is given too much adult freedom or privilege, such as children who are encouraged to play the part of their parent's 'date' at adult social events, who are bought gifts that are excessively 'grown-up' or expensive, or who are asked to consult on adult decisions. This can interfere with the child's ability to form peer relationships, and also can set dangerous patterns for their future adult relationships.

This can be an unhealthy situation for a child without reaching the point, or meeting the definition, of abuse.

It is also complex because the child usually quite enjoys the role, and yes, plays to it. That doesn't make it the child's "fault", but it does mean that the behaviours need to be addressed.

Kaluki Mon 10-Mar-14 10:08:07

I have found out this weekend that it lies dormant too and can rear its ugly head at any time.
DP and I had words on Saturday (nothing serious but raised voices) and DSD heard some of it. I went off to walk the dog and cool down and came back to find her wrapped around him on the sofa. All evening this carried on, she kept looking at me then slobbering all over him. It felt like she was staking her claim and showing me that she is still number one!
I am sure she was disappointed on Sunday morning when things were back to normal!!!

Petal02 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:18:04

* ….. or who are consulted on adult decisions*

That’s a really good point Brdgrl. We had this with DSS; when he stayed with us, the dynamics of the household changed, and instead of DH and I being two equal stakeholders in the running of the house, DSS was given my place (and my vote) with domestic decisions. For example – if DH was going to be late home, he’d ring DSS instead of me. DSS would get the casting vote about what we had for dinner, choice of restaurant if we ate out etc etc. Obviously this wasn’t sexual or inappropriate in any way, but it was definitely unhealthy. DH and DSS became a ‘team of two’, almost a couple at times, and I was on the outside playing gooseberry, on account of a teenage male. Very weird indeed.

brdgrl Mon 10-Mar-14 11:40:24

Yes, and not only does it damage the relationship between the two adults, it gives the child a dangerously unrealistic idea of their own influence and capabilities, and models an adult relationship dynamic that his or her own future partners are going to find problematic. It also can cause high levels of anxiety in the child.

Letting a child have a say in things is one thing; setting up a home where the child is actually a third of the partnership is another.

Our Relate counselor explained it to DH by drawing a circle on a whiteboard. There was a name for the model she was discussing but I am afraid I have forgotten it. She said that it was important for he and I to occupy that circle, and for the children to understand that. She also explained something we had already been aware of, without understanding the relationship - that DSD had an exaggerated sense of her own ability to function as an adult, which could get her into real trouble. She avoided asking for help (practical or emotional) when she needed it, could not actually complete many of the things she took on, and wasn't forming strong peer relationships. She also had noticeable issues around control - her hands would literally shake, for instance, if someone else was allowed to hold the television remote control.

Apart from that, it has bad effects for others in the household. In our case, DSS suffered quite badly from his sister's spousification. He was very, very aware of the difference in their roles within the house, and was effectively bullied and infantalised by the situation. He resented the 'special relationship' that his sister and father shared, and felt isolated. He was also deprived of the opportunities to learn how to do simple things.

When DH began to address the situation, DSD became a much happier child. She fought against many of the changes, of course! But she began to form friendships with her peers, she became visibly more relaxed, and her need to control every situation began to recede.

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