Bloody Christmas!!

[Kaluki]

Yesterday I was ordering Christmas pressies on Amazon while DP was looking over my shoulder. Everything I ordered he said "DSS would like that will you get him one too?"
I feel like I can't get my dc anything without DSS having to have the same, DP is so scared his son will be hard done by and miss out on something but he won't actually do his Christmas shopping until the week before so I end up doing it for him!
Is it wrong to actually want to buy my kids their Christmas presents and not have to get DSS the EXACT SAME THINGS????
Rant over!!!!!!

[elliebellys]

Just tell him straight,yer dss can have it,why dont you order it after iv finished mine:-)..

[theredhen]

I get this too.

Despite dsc often already having more than my ds in the first place.

It's the insecurity in these men that drives the behaviour.

So they end up buying their kids what your kids actually want which makes the step kids feel second best anyway!

I suppose you need to pander to his insecurities and spend done time thinking about what his kids would actually want rather than just opting yours, although obviously this is actually his job to do!

[Kaluki]

That's the thing RedHen. DSS wants different things to mine too, which he will get. It is insecurity, DP panics that DSS might think that my kids get more and that will be the end of the world! I don't think DSS actually thinks that anyway.
What annoys me is that my dc share everything with DSS anyway. All books dvds etc are all on one bookshelf and DSS is welcome to play with whatever he wants.
Just sometimes I want to buy my dc something without having to worry about what DSS will think!!!

[peppersquint]

Don't let him look over your shoulder then ;)

[Petal02]

You don't even need 'other children' in the equation to get a separated father stressing about this. DH would regularly panic, on Boxing Day, that DSS hadn't received sufficient gifts from us and his mother (and trust me, DSS always had the best/latest version of every gadget) and I always felt like Scrooge for stopping DH dipping even further into his pocket.

[MirandaWest]

Ah well should be safe from this as DPs DS is 18 and my two are 9 and 8 so unlikely to need or get the same things :)

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

This drives me mad, my husband has left me to do all the Christmas shopping and because I want it to be fair I have got them all the same handheld game system and game so there are no arguments. I said that it was quality not quantity this year so I have spent a lot of money but only on a few things. I am focusing on the whole day and not just the present opening bit. Hopefully my husband will stick to this and not sneakily buy his kids extra because he feels guilty or I'll be keeping his ps4 for myself

[Beccawoo]

I get lots of this too, my dss and ds are close in age. I have done the stockings this year so there are lots of similar bits, but I leave DP to sort his main present. He knows it would be stupid to get the same thing as my ds, esp as all the things he buys dss will stay at our house.

[entersandmum]

DP did this to me last year and I bought ALL of Dsd10s gifts. He even suggested, (without thinking), I should buy my eldest DS14 less when I told him I was struggling to afford this. Ds14 does not see his Dad and only receives gifts from me and close family. It took a lot of pointing out that Dsd10 will be opening 2 sets of gifts and buying just for the sake of 'competition' is ridiculous.

This year, I have simply gone out and purchased gifts for my children and will be getting a few for Dsd10 from them and myself.

DP will actually have to do his own Xmas shopping for a change......yep, looks like I'll be getting her gifts again!

[Kaluki]

Glad it's not just me!
I feel like the dsc hijack my kids Christmas every year - however hard I try it always ends up being all about them and so much effort goes into making sure their day is perfect I end up frazzled.
I've bought a lot of booze so that may help me cope!!!

[NachoAddict]

We had this for two years but because of pressure from dp's family to make sure dsd was not pushed our. We have never pushed dsd out but because we were so watched we bought dsd and my dd (the same age) exactly the same stuff.

This year I have done all of the shopping and bought the girls what I know they will love. They have had equal amounts of money to within a couple of pounds and their gifts will be wrapped into the same amount of parcels.

I know people say step children get two lots but we decided that we will treat all children in our house equally regardless of what they get elsewhere. Therefore ds2 will miss out as he gets older as my oldest dc and dsd will get from their other parents and families and baby ds will just get from us but we decided that was the fairest way to do, we cant control other peoples purses but when they are with us they are all equal.

[TheMumsRush]

I've never come across this problem before as it's my ds first Xmas (I'm sooooo excited). My youngest dsc is 7 years older so don't think I'll ever have this problem (phew). My dsc have absolutely everything already anyway so have no clue what to get them (and not my problem tbh). Every time they get something new it's followed by how much it cost. I guess it's a sign of the times

[Kaluki]

My dsc are so materialistic they work know the cost of everything and the value of nothing!
I have seen DSD go through the Argos catalogue after a birthday totting up who spent what on her
Very sad!

[TheMumsRush]

Kaluki it's just so wrong

[TheMumsRush]

Do you think it's because a lot of guilt is at play? Dsc get overcompensated?

[TheMumsRush]

I've had dsd open a present and say she didn't want it, but I think that's just age at the moment (hopefully)

[entersandmum]

It is definitely a case of overcompensating. Most of Dsd10s gifts are still in the packaging by new year because she would rather play with Dd4s, who is more than happy to share. It doesn't stop the face pulling and comments of 'is that it' though. I had to physically restrain DP from going out on Xmas day to get her 'extra'.

I think it is the ungratefulness that really gets me. It's almost as though Dsd10 doesn't care what she gets, as long as it is more than everyone else. DP, unfortunately, doesn't understand that as kids get older, even though the gift pile is smaller it costs a lot more.

[DiamondsAndDust]

I'm in a different scenario where obviously with DSD living with us - she's treated to the same as my own DC for Christmas (and the fact mum isn't intending on getting anything). But I don't understand this when a child has two active parents in their lives.

I understand maybe it's a guilt factor but it should be pointed out that where DC and DSC are getting different things - the DSC are also getting from the other parent in their lives.

[entersandmum]

In my case DS14 doesn't get loads more than Dd4 and Dsd10. As Dsd10 is usually with us at Xmas, I have told DP that we will not be having separate piles, (not just quantity but size of pile is an issue), and under no circumstances will Dsd10 be counting how many gifts each child has in the run up to Xmas.

[Kaluki]

I think they have picked up on DP and his ex competing with each other. If we buy x she will then go out and buy x plus something else to prove she is the better parent - hence the kids milk this for all its worth and during the nightly phone call she asks them exactly what they got and then she will say "is that all he got you?" which always leaves them feeling hard done by.
I have put my foot down and said we won't compete. Its not about that is it..