Goodbye, where's my socks?

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

DSS's last day with us for the summer was dominated by his desire to ensure that he wore the right pair of socks back to his Mums.

In his words to DP "she hates you 100% and doesn't want any of your stuff in her house or any of her stuff left here".

The positive thing is that after 3 consecutive weeks with us, at least he's now comfortable enough to express it and isn't quite so anxious about the differences between his parents.

[theredhen]

Wow. Knowing what I do about your dss, I am amazed he can express himself so well

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Yes. Can't ask for breakfast but can tell Dad that his mum hates him!

[Kaluki]

That's so sad - my DPs ex feels the same about us.
Our house is full of toxic poison so nothing that has been here can enter her house in case it contaminates it.
This applies to everything from hair bands to toys.
Crazy cow!!!

[wrinklyraisin]

My OH's ex is the other way round... She wants things we buy/provide because we get nice things and she doesn't want to spend the (not unsubstantial) child support payments on things like nice clothes or toothpaste or fresh fruit for her child. I've started being a bitch by sending my dsd back to her mums in what she wore coming here. I'll wash it first of course. But damned if all the nice clothes etc we buy her disappear into the black hole! Drives me a little mental that we even have to do this. But I've learned the hard way after 4 yes FOUR pairs of brand new expensive shoes disappeared after sending them home with her. I actually suspect 2 pairs were returned to the shop by her so get a refund so she could have the cash. Ugh.

[mumtobealloveragain]

How horrible for him to know that, she's obviously very open about it with him. What age is he? A child should not be worrying about wearing the correct socks back to his mums house for fear of her being cross.

We have the same issue as wrinklyraisin (the opposite to yours OP). We always make sure the children are dressed in clean, fitting (not expensive though) clothes and that they have appropriate weather wear, shoes, coats etc. DP's ex keeps so many things we send them back to her in that it costs us a fortune. Even things like hats, trainers, coats, school shoes etc. We buy them, they wear them to her house and we never see them again. At first we thought they got lost but the children say they are being used at her house still. They never come back in/with them though, always wearing old / ripped / too small stuff. She isn't struggling financially either, so no reason for it.

Wrinkly - I've started doing what you do, wash what they wear here and they wear it again when they go back. They only stay in them for the car journey to hers, so it's not like they get sent to school in badly fitting clothes or anything. She hasn't mentioned it, so not even sure if she's noticed or not.

[Kaluki]

My dsc arrive in tatty old clothes but looking at photos of them on facebook these aren't the clothes they wear at home. I think that she has old stuff just for coming to our house!! As soon as they arrive they run straight up to change into our clothes. They insist on wearing our clothes up until the minute they get in the car to go home. They literally have to strip and change at 5.30.
I don't know if they have been told to do this or if they don't like to be seen in the crappy stuff she sends for them.
Poor little buggers - used as weapons. It's cruel.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

mumtobe he's 10.

We've been through it all once with DSD a few years ago - DP discovered her packing her jeans in her luggage after a period leak and getting incredibly upset when he tried to insist that he washed them for her.
Unfortunately, their Mum openly expresses her hatred of DP in front of them - demanding they explain why they want to see him, isn't she good enough etc etc. Socks are unfortunately indicative of far bigger problems.

I've read on MN several times that posters send their DCs to contact in old, tatty clothes. Seems fairly commonplace!

[wrinklyraisin]

China cup, I agree. My dsd is sent looking unwashed and in crappy clothes as if to say "your dad can see how hard off we are"... In reality she gets over 30% of his gross salary a year and doesn't have to work! I hate how she uses dsd to make stupid and callous jabs. In the end it's my poor dsd who feels awkward and embarrassed. I feel so bad for her. Yet I refuse to allow her mother to have things we've bought when she gets thousands literally a month to clothe and feed her child.

[mumandboys123]

I've said this before, but here we go.....I send my children to their father's in less than perfect clothing - stained, getting small, bobbled. I do this because it always comes back (better stuff never did) and because he has a very bad habit of not changing children to do messy activities, play in the garden, play on the beach where clothes very quickly get stained and ruined. I can only afford to do buy so much and it's not acceptable that I should have to keep replacing items. I don't do it to plead poverty, prove some kind of point or use my children as weapons. It's practical and it works for us: no cross words in front of the children, no need for either of us to be upset or put out or the children to feel they have to be careful or need to change on the doorstep before arriving/leaving. But I am in no doubt that the ex and the latest 'step mum' (there have been many) chat about it constantly, name call in my direction and accuse me of everything and anything. Sigh.

[wrinklyraisin]

That's different though mummy. You pay for clothes. My OHs ex hardly ever does. So my dsd has clothes that are clean and fit her at our place. Your ex sounds like my OH ex. She doesn't care about keeping my dsd clean and clothed well. We do. But we won't clothe her at her mums as that's what child support is for.

[mumtobealloveragain]

mumandboys123 - I guess it's the same scenario whether it be mum or dad or either home. If you send them in or with nice things and then they don't get returned of course you're going to send them in old stuff. Nobody should have the expense of constantly replacing items.

With DP's ex we never used to think twice about letting them take their new stuff, nice new hats, coats, shoes etc but started to realise we never got it back. In comparison I used to ensure everything they bought here was carefully washed, ironed and packed in their bag ready to go back, thinking this would encourage her to return the gesture. It didn't :)

[Kaluki]

In the past I have washed clothes and sent them back and been told not to touch their stuff - even when DSD used to wet herself!
No doubt it will be the same when She starts her periods too.
What a way to bring up children

[ElenorRigby]

"I've said this before, but here we go.....I send my children to their father's in less than perfect clothing - stained, getting small, bobbled. I do this because it always comes back (better stuff never did) "

Indeed for years we sent DSD to her mothers in new clean clothing.
All we got back was smelly, stained, way too small clothes.
The clothes we sent NEVER came back.

DSD now goes back in clothes she was sent in, after we've cleaned them.

Her clothes from her mothers always stink with a horrid badly aired smell,
so even if they look clean they stink and have to be washed.

[ElenorRigby]

Forgot to add crap parenting is not gender specific!!!

[ElenorRigby]

OP so sorry for your DSS. It's bloody horrid a parents hatred of an ex is more important than the well being of their child.

However it's really good he can see her problem for what it is at such an early age.

DSD's mother hates DP really really hates him but hides her hate for DP from DSD.
She drops little poison in DSD's ears about her Dad.
Subtle sly stuff leaving DSD confused.

If her mum was was more obviously cracked and very less cleverly manipulative I think DSD would be be able to make more sense of it all.

Ah well

[purpleroses]

Well I thought we had it reasonably OK in our household - DSC bring a suitcase each weekend and take it back full of dirty clothes at the end of the weekend. Their mum gets complete control of everything, but then she does all the washing and buys the clothes, so fair enough.

But yesterday we returned the DSC who'd been with us for two weeks, on holiday. DSD's suitcase had gone missing on the flight so she was wearing some spare clothes we'd bought her, and a pair of socks borrowed from me. Her mum spotted the unfamiliar socks and promptly asked DSD to hand them straight back - so I was left on the doorstep holding yucky smelly socks

The suitcase has now turned up, but today her mum has emailed DP to complain at us buying her "crap from Primark" . They were the clothes that DSD chose for herself. She likes Primark and she liked her new clothes

[Kaluki]

My DPs ex would explode if DSD wire a pair of my socks!
It puts me in mind if the scene in monsters inc when Sully has a child's sock stuck to his fur and the decontamination squad rush in!!!

[theredhen]

We've had snidey comments from mum that we've heard through the kids about the clothes we buy and provide for the children.

We've also had many occasions when we've picked kids up to go out and had to bring them back to ours to get changed as they literally were in rags or came out with no shoes.

It's all part of her games. I find it all slightly amusing that she wants to play

[purpleroses]

Kaluki - - she'd been running round them in the garden all day so they could have done with the decontamination squad before I had to stand there holding them!

All the DSC have "only the best" in a sense - as their mum only seems to shop in John Lewis or M&S, but on the other hand they frequently end up in clothes borrowed from me or my DCs because they get sent to us without coats, sandals, outdoor shoes, etc. DSS complained when I tried to get him to wear old sandals of my DS's that his mum didn't allow him to wear hand-me-down shoes. She'd just packed him off to ours for a holiday in the sunshine with nothing but trainers to wear .

I'm not sure if it's a game or just a genuine snobbiness, and not really wanting her posh private-school educated DCs to be mixing with me and my scruffyoutdoorsy, Primark-clad DCs.

[theredhen]

Well either she provides them with full kit for all eventualities or she puts up with your taste in clothes.

She needs to get over herself. I'd be delighted if my ex and his partner bought my ds any clothes at all. Whatever label they had!

[Kaluki]

DP had a text last night asking where DSD's pink fluffy hairband was.
It is here - she left it on the bathroom shelf after her bath last time she was here.
She said "Well remember to send it back with her next time!"
The thing costs less than a quid

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

How old is DSD? My DDs dad was a bit like that - expecting me to check she had all the belongings she wanted every time she left here
Eventually, in one of our many mediation sessions, I told him that I would only ensure she had what she needed; it was up to her to make sure she had what she wanted. She was about 10 at the time.

[Kaluki]

She's nearly 9.
Poor little thing will have been worrying over that all week!!

[bellabom]

It puts me in mind if the scene in monsters inc when Sully has a child's sock stuck to his fur and the decontamination squad rush in!!!