so, on the tail-end of a pretty spectacular (unrelated, sort of) argument with DH - during the making-up stage, really, he drops casually into the conversation "DSD thinks that she wants to take a gap year and work before going to art college."
Now, let me say right off the bat that this is two years away. Lots could change, so no point in getting worked up, etc, etc. But I am pretty annoyed that a) she clearly presented it all as if it were a decision solely up to her - that of course she could decide to live at home for another year and just present that to us... And I am pretty annoyed that DH didn't seem to think it had anything to do with me.
DH thinks this is good because it shows that DSD is thinking about the fact that she will need money for art college. I think - it is a load of bull. It goes against everything DSD has said or indicated about her expectations.
I think that DSD has two long summers ahead of her, to work and put some money aside for uni. I think that DSD can work part-time while at art college. I think that we have a certain amount set aside to help DSD out with fees. I think she may have to look into other options as well, because we are not well-off people. If one of those options is working for a year first, I think she had damn well better have a job. I think that we strongly suggested to DSD that she look into a summer job this year, and she did nothing about it. I think that DSD slept until noon every day, watched a helluva lot of telly, and went out with her friends, while we gave her a generous allowance. I think that DSD imagines a gap year in which she will sleep until noon, watch a helluva lot of telly, and go out with her friends, while we give her a generous allowance. I think that after several months of this, she MAY get a part-time job, the pay for which will go towards going out with her friends.
Some back story here - we are living in another country from my family (aging parents, siblings, nephews, cousins, etc). It has been understood between DH and I that we will move back to my home country, where I want DD to be educated and to know her extended family. (Neither DH nor I has extended family here.) It has also been understood that we will wait at least until DSD finishes school, because DH feels that is what is best for her. It has been very, very hard for me since DD was born - like, nervous breakdown hard - and I have come very close to taking DD and going back home on our own. But now instead of two years until DSD finishes school, suddenly it is looking like - who knows? As far as I am concerned, if we do decide to move, we're not going to 'undecide' because DSD has changed her mind about art college.
And if we DID stay here longer - like until DSS finishes school as well - we'd talked about either moving to a smaller house that will be more affordable, OR if our finances improve and we can stay in this house, we'd agreed that DSD's room would become DD's room when DSD finished school. DD is basically in the box room now. So if DSD decides to stay home another year - again as far as I am concerned - DD gets the bigger room and DSD can move to the tiny room. (DSS has a nice room already.) But she won't be expecting that, I can tell you, even though we told her when we moved in here that it was her room until she was out of school.
Oh, I know! Getting ahead of myself here.
DSD and I are getting along pretty well these days, actually. And I love her, in that 'she's family even when she infuriates me' way. But we've been making every decision in our relationship, for so long now, based on what is 'best' for her (and not for DSS or DD, or ourselves - it is quite unbalanced and there is so, so , so much more to it than I can really go into right here). But I feel so - let down, I guess. I've been hanging on by a slim thread sometimes, thinking well, two more years and things will be really different. And the feeling I get that no one will even consult me about any of it....ugh.
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getting worked up about what may never happen...but still!
49 replies
brdgrl · 23/08/2011 18:59
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