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some minor advice please

(37 Posts)
aurorastargazer Wed 04-May-11 12:31:05

he can be sneaky little git sometimes, espcially in the car, he will sneak into front seat while i help dd with her belt (if she gets stuck) so i cna't sit by dp- it is noisy in the back and i don't get to see dp much or talk to him much on our own. i have, so far, just been grinning about it and taking high road so to speak but i would like some advice on dealing with this behaviour before it gets worse (if, indeed, it will - it may not) smile

LittleWhiteHeart Wed 04-May-11 12:45:10

I think it's probably up to your DP to make DSS sit in the back ... as children me and my siblings ALWAYS sat in teh back regardless of what adult was in the car ... it's called respect and your DSS should learn it! smile

Have a light-hearted word with DP and ask him to back you up on this.

yoshiLunk Wed 04-May-11 12:47:31

Yes I used to get this, and grabbing my spot next to DH on the sofa too angry .

I would light-heartedly (to begin with) say 'oh no you don't, come on hop it to the back thank you' and explain, 'the rule is it's adults in the front seats first'

I mean when DSS isn't there you wouldn't be in the back with your DD, with DP driving up front alone like he was a cabbie, would you? No reason why you, the adult, should be demoted to the back just because he's there.

The DSSs would leap into my spot on the sofa when I left the room to check on the dinner, - I soon put a stop to it 'Oi, sling yer 'ook, - MY seat' and they would duly sling their 'ooks back to the floor perfectly comfortable other sofa. grin

aurorastargazer Wed 04-May-11 12:54:02

grin he is 12 as well but i don't htink dp has noticed to be honest.

i feel guilty for even thinking this, i should be the grown up kind of thing but on the other hand what else will he try getting away with now he's a teen this year?

dp and i have only been together for 7 and 1/2 months so not that long really in the greater scheme of things but will have to sort this out before it gets out of hand!

LittleWhiteHeart Wed 04-May-11 12:58:14

I'm 30, and I still sit in the back if my parents are in the car!

OH's little girl did try suggesting she sit in front with 'daddy' because "at mummy's I sit in the front and [mummy's bofriend] sits in the back" but we soon told her the front is for grown ups, end of! grin

glasscompletelybroken Wed 04-May-11 13:03:23

Nip it in the bud now. I get this with the sofa too but also used to get it at mealtimes with the girls wanting to always say who sits where. I put my foot down - they don't get to tell me where I sit, I'm the grown-up!

aurorastargazer Wed 04-May-11 13:07:03

tbh all of this (amongst other things) is not helping me feel secure in my relationship with dp and i feel a bit isolated in the back as dp tends to talk to his ds when he is driving (even tho said ds is more than likely to be on his ds even in the front seat!) although he does occasionally talk to me if i'm in the back but i'm getting a bit fed up of it tbh <sigh>

yoshiLunk Wed 04-May-11 13:10:12

Exactly glass, do start as you mean to go on aurora

Good point LWH, I'm even older than you nearly 40 and wouldn't dream of my parents or any elder having to ride in the back.

catsmother Wed 04-May-11 13:10:12

Bloody hell - how can your DP not notice ?! Agree with the others, it's about respect and I'm agog he hasn't told the cheeky little sod to get in the back before now. I wonder if he (DP) would be so head-in-the-sand about this if he was giving a lift to any other adult - along with his kids - such as a friend or relative ? If your relationship is going places, this is all about your place in the pecking order ...... definitely speak to DP.

aurorastargazer Wed 04-May-11 13:15:22

cats - dp is rather laid back about everything grin

yoshi - i am 37 this year so not far behind you grin

pinkbraces Thu 05-May-11 13:41:09

Perhaps compromise a little bit - In the car you should sit next to your DP but I dont understand why you mind if your DSS sits next to his Dad whilst watching tv for a bit of a cuddle.

My two steppies cuddle up to their Dad whenever they can, he loves it and as they dont live with us it makes them all feel happy, me and my DD even join in sometimes.

When I was a kid I always used to sit next to my mum or dad for a cuddle, no-one seemed to mind smile

I sometimes think we forget how difficult it is for our DSC, they not only have to share their Dad with someone new they dont even get to live with him full time (mine dont anyway) would you mind so much if it was you and your partners child who wanted a cuddle?

Next time he does it why dont you squeeze up next to him and join in, if he doesnt like it he will move very quickly smile

yoshiLunk Thu 05-May-11 13:45:02

Next time he does it why dont you squeeze up next to him and join in, if he doesnt like it he will move very quickly

<boak> and <shudder> at the thought of cuddling up to my stepsons

<disclaimer - they are 16 & 18>


pinkbraces Thu 05-May-11 13:47:32

ha ha Im sorry i think I got things a bit muddled, I thought it was the OP who mentioned the sofa thing, I should put my glasses on to read smile

My SS is 11 and still likes cuddles, I have assumed it will stop soon. My DD and DSD are 16 and 14 and both still love nothing more than cuddling up to watch a chick flick.

yoshiLunk Thu 05-May-11 13:52:37

That's lovely pink , I guess it's different with girls. The closest I ever got to a cuddle was with the youngest if he ever sat on my lap and fell asleep, - this stopped when he was about 4 1/2 though, hard to believe it ever happened now.

Petal02 Thu 05-May-11 13:57:30

I read this with interest, as SS is nearly 17 and still wants to cuddle up to his Dad, and often clings to him when they're walking down the street. In fact SS is slightly taller than DH now, and it all looks rather strange when you're a by-stander. I've often wondered if people think they're a gay couple.

And before I get flamed - no, I'm not jealous, I just think it's a bit odd, that's all.

yoshiLunk Thu 05-May-11 14:03:10

Oh Petal he's not still at it ? I agree I would find that really odd. Acceptable at home if your family is tactile like that I guess, but no, in public I would find it rather odd.

pinkbraces Thu 05-May-11 14:07:06

My SS is very clingy to his Dad, I put it down to the fact he doesnt live with us and the obvious insecurities which come with that. We are all a very tactile family which includes step, bio and whoever happens to be in the house at the time smile

I also think he clings to his Dad because his mum still badmouths his Dad, even though they split up 10 years ago. The amateur psychologist in me thinks the clingyness is SS reassuring himself that his Dad is lovely and his mum is talking rubbish. Which is a hard thing for an 11 year old to take on board especially as he loves his mum.

I HATE parents who badmouth the ex in front of the children, the only ones who get hurt are the kids sad

Petal02 Thu 05-May-11 14:26:46

Pinkbraces - I agree totally on your thoughts regarding the psychology of the clingy behaviour. So whilst I understand what causes the behaviour, I'm never quite sure what's age-appropriate, or what is appropriate (or otherwise) in public. There's something not quite right about two grown men, who are father and son, being all over each other in public.

aurorastargazer Thu 05-May-11 14:41:33

pink - i don't mind him cuddling his dad, i would be upset if he thought i minded smile he's still only 12 so it won't be long before it stops (sad for his dad) and in fact i have moved before so that he can sit by his dad - i was just wanting to sit in the front of the car i loathe sitting in the back!
and fwiw i also agree with the amateur psychology - perhaps it is a form of reassurance for him, especially if his mum is still badmouthing his dad.

it is the kids who get hurt sad dd's dad does this to her and refuses to apologise - only saying that she knows how he feels about her (dd)

i think i will try and talk to dp this weekend, neither of us have our children this weekend but he's working (boooooooooo) but things need sorting out before they start festering.

Petal02 Thu 05-May-11 14:42:58

Yes, good idea to get this cleared up before it becomes bigger than it needs to be.

aurorastargazer Thu 05-May-11 14:45:57

thanks petal, it seems to go in cycles and iknwo part of it is the way i react to things becasue of what happened in my past but i also know that there are two people, both with children, in this relationship - not just me, so it needs sorting because i am fed up of getting down,t hen happier, then down again it has to to STOP grin

pinkbraces Thu 05-May-11 14:56:51

I totally agree with you, I think its so much better to try and clear stuff up before it gets too big to deal with, I know from bitter experience it doesnt do us stepmums any good if issues are not sorted.

On the other hand sulking quietly with a bottle of wine often helps smile

aurorastargazer Thu 05-May-11 14:59:40

and/or this

adamschic Thu 05-May-11 15:34:05

I can understand you not wanting to sit in the back. I would try and nip this one in the bud. I always sat in the front when I had a DSD even though she was quite young and clingy. Nowt wrong with the lad wanting a cuddle with dad on the sofa as you agree with.

Re Petals post I would find it strange that a son at 17 would openly link up with his dad. Not sure if it's normal. DD does grab my arm sometimes when we are out and she's 17, again not sure if this is normal grin

Petal02 Thu 05-May-11 15:54:09

Whilst I'm very aware that sensitive children need sensitive treatment (even at age 17), but surely there comes a point where you need to toughen them up slightly (for want of a better expression) for their own good?

Imagine going to visit SS at Uni - assuming he goes- and having him drape himself over his Dad, only to find that his fellow students really take the mickey out of him? By not dealing with inappropriate displays of affection, are we doing more harm than good?

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