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Do you see any ASD in your DP/DH?

(32 Posts)
lordreid Mon 26-Oct-09 09:12:36

The more I've read about ASD, the more I can see these traits in DH. He has no friends, always seemed to miss an 'empathy gene' in the sense that he is really bad at reading people and situations. He can be really bad at having to respond to something at work e.g. explaining to his boss that he has to do x,y, or z at home so will have to go early. He can never understand why I'm stressed even when you look at the context e.g. busy week, work deadlines, problems with kids. He sometimes just seems bemused by emotions.

Also, he listens to me talk (alot) but never really responds with anything. He's completely unable to provide refelective listening or constructive suggestions about a problem.

He's never once looked at anything on ASD in the ten months we've been undergoing this process. He leaves everything to me.

I have tentatively suggested parallels. It went down like a lead balloon sad.

However, I think it explains alot of what we argue about.

Any thoughts

lordreid Mon 26-Oct-09 09:14:26

Sorry just to add, I am a regular poster but have name changed on this one.

mysonben Mon 26-Oct-09 11:22:55

Yep, my DH doesn't do small talk. Whenever i try to have a 'converstaion' with him it's me doing the talking and when i say 'well! you could answer, what do you think?' he says 'what do you want me to say? or i'll cross that bridge when i get to it' hmm His empathy isn't overly dveloped either, let's say it's fairly limited.

DH is overly organised for some things (silly things like putting his glasses in the same spot each night), and totally disorganised for the important ones. If he doesn't write stuff down on his electronic notepad/memo thingy he 'forgets' even the most important stuff!

Dh is often wrong about people he meets, ie: oh yes that guy is a nice bloke! ...turns out to be an arse*.
And finally DH is never wrong!!! Well he is of course but rarely see it. (maybe it's a man thing, grin)

That said, i see a few asd traits in me too.
And 2 of DH's nephews have ADHD, and his cousin's boy has HFA.
And there are links on my side too. So it's 50/50.

sarah293 Mon 26-Oct-09 12:40:33

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momijigari Mon 26-Oct-09 12:42:36

My short answer is yes, most definitely, it can be very frustrating - I wish I had known 15 years ago!

lordreid Mon 26-Oct-09 12:45:45

The phone, yes, we have that too. So, he never gets the pleasure of sorting out household crap - utilities etc.

DH is in IT and trained as a physicist hmm

He doesn't see it in himself at all though. He thinks he's got no mates because he doesn't want any and is really good at 'listening' - i.e. sitting in silence for half an hour as you poor out your heart and then saying 'I've booked the car in for a service on Saturday'

It's grinding me down sad

Marne Mon 26-Oct-09 16:52:08


Every time some one talks about the dds and their traits i think 'yep, just like their dad'.

At parents evening i listened to the teacher say 'dd1 loves routine and loves everything in its place' which is just like Dh, he gets so stressed if i move something or forget to put something away in the correct place. He's very organized, has'nt got many friends (likes to keep himself to himself) and he has to do the house work (because i can't put things in the right place).

mumslife Mon 26-Oct-09 17:21:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild Mon 26-Oct-09 17:34:10

grin Lots and lots!
Part of what I fancied about him was the air of indifference and isolation he carried around with him, and that he could discuss esoteric subjects until dawn and not think it was odd.
It can be very wearing, but it's never done with malice and he's the least possessive and jealous man I've ever met.
So the + outweighs the - most of the time.

mumslife Mon 26-Oct-09 18:23:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild Mon 26-Oct-09 18:52:23

Yes, I suppose so but I'm from a very academic background where huge knowledge of a tiny area and focusing to the point of forgetting 'normal' social stuff is was and is par for the course.
Mine is an obsessive collector, has little to no small talk, has never said sorry to my knowledge, plays music loudly if he wants to whatever time of night it is and is non-tactile if he gets to choose.
But I knew what I was marrying and didn't do the self-deception of 'He'll change' which is where a lot of Aspie and NT marriages come unstuck in my opinion.
I accepted the whole package.

misscutandstick Mon 26-Oct-09 18:57:46

Oh Goodness yes!!!

Cant do phones, useless with people, again doesnt do smalltalk, needs routine, can definately understand the glasses thing MYSONBEN!

Hes an ICT teacher - did a softwear engineering degree!

Actually, its just occured to me, hes not good with people his age (NEVER hangs out in the staffroom) but brill with the kids!

But hes more than convinced hes also AS, so its not really an issue. As for me? well, i have my own quirks, and after all no-ones perfect!

mumslife Mon 26-Oct-09 20:46:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos Mon 26-Oct-09 21:33:30

DH is a trainspotter and works in IT- need I say more grin. Fortunately in a way we are both chockful of traits so are broadly similar enough that it doesn't cause problems. Both of us were quite traumatised by our school experiences. DH's work loves him, whereas I had big difficulties with the social side of things in my old professional job.... And like goblinchild with her DH, it just wouldn't occur to my DH to be jealous/suspicious of me. And he's not judgmental of people's personal lives.

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 26-Oct-09 22:37:02

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LeonieBooCreepy Mon 26-Oct-09 23:02:08

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ouryve Mon 26-Oct-09 23:09:08

DH has a few traits, but to be honest, there's so many more in me that none of it seems out of the ordinary. That makes sense, anyhow, since it's my family through which the autism seems to be inherited.

PerryPlatypus Mon 26-Oct-09 23:15:25

I'm as certain as I can be that dh has AS. Sometimes it can be infuriating but I'm not always the easiest person to live with either.

In many ways it's been very useful because he and our 2 boys with ASD share a lot of the same interests. He can also answer far more of their obscure sciencey questions than I can too.

LeonieBooCreepy Tue 27-Oct-09 08:00:03

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BriocheDoree Tue 27-Oct-09 08:07:24

Hang on a minute...what's this about "being in IT". I worked for years as an analyst programmer and I always come out as utterly NT every time I do one of those online ASD thingys grin grin. Actually, I can see a lot of me and DH in DD. (Not that she's ASD but definitely certain traits). We both hate phone calls so we tend to draw lots on the utility crap grin.

mumslife Tue 27-Oct-09 11:54:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumslife Tue 27-Oct-09 11:57:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve Tue 27-Oct-09 14:17:00

Leonie, they were tested routinely at time of diagnosis.

LeonieBooCreepy Tue 27-Oct-09 16:59:28

Message withdrawn

anonandlikeit Tue 27-Oct-09 17:31:53

You are all describing my dh (without the clevere science stuff)
I alsways thought he is just a miserable git grin

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