So my in laws have point blank said they don't believe ds has ASD.

[Lavenderfleurs]

Ds is 6 he has a diagnosis of HFA, is statemented and has SALT and OT input. He is mainstream and doing ok but doesn't really like school, though he has settled quite well this term. I have posted about him quite a few times before under various names, I like a change every couple of months .

My In laws are back from living abroad and everytime they come to visit I am closely questioned about ds and his diagnosis, all the while with a sceptical air and expression. The conversation always goes the same way, questions about what it means to have HFA, how it manifests itself and then ends with "well I am afraid I just can't see it." There are usually a few "examples" of how well ds did something or interacted with other kids when they were with him.

A bit of background is that when concerns were first raised and I tried to pursue a diagnosis exh was very unsupportive and basically accused me of attention seeking and wanting ds to have autism so I personally could get lots of attention from people. I think he must have said the same to his family at the time, although he denies this. He realises now that ds does have HFA and is a great dad and very supportive.

It is getting me down a bit really. I know that the majority of his family think I am making it up and think that I must be a bit strange for wanting to do so, they don't even bother to try to hide that they feel like this. I am quite scared that I am going to just lose it and flare up at them one day. Any thoughts or advice or one sentence shutting up statements would be gratefully appreciated.

[drlove8]

ask them where the got their peadiatric degree's from ?, and that you didnt realise that they are sooo obviously more qualified to diagnose DS , than all the doctors/consultants that have seen ds over the past 6 years !
your PILs are loons !
id be sitting there saying " yes , omg! did you see that in the sky just there?, it was pink and had british airways stamped on its ass!)((((flying pigs! lol)
.

[Lavenderfleurs]

I know it is crazy! Do they honestly believe that I have managed to "convince" all these experts in order to have a starring role in the drama that is ds's diagnosis? Obviously I should be putting my manipulative talents to better use - taking over the world perhaps?

[drlove8]

of course - dont let your PIL know about munchhousen-by-proxy ffs! - they'll be convinced you have it and try to get you carted off!

[drlove8]

no seriously - does the MIL think she's a better mum than you are or something?
cause it sounds like " well x is much better when he's with us , so theres nothing wrong with him- so its you thats the problem ." -
can i slap them for you ?

[cocolepew]

My MIL thought that my Dd, who has a genetic condition, had got it because my DH had been bitten by a dog when he was young .

[drlove8]

[drlove8]

lavender is this your PILs ? ->

[Lavenderfleurs]

That is exactly how I feel Drlove8. Obviously I must be doing something wrong. They would far rather label ds "naughty" and badly brought up and this is why he is so challenging at school etc, that way the blame can be put firmly on my shoulders.

Rofl at cocolepew.

Might just be me but I myself wonder if ds inherited it from his Paternal Grandfather (MIL's dad) who has been obsessed with buses and coaches since childhood (has a collection of over 1000 in glass cases in his living room) and who can barely function practically or socially without support from his wife.

[Lavenderfleurs]

I can't believe I am like this about this now after reading your replies. I feel positively light hearted about them and much more able to deal with their nonsense.

[logi]

When my son did the ADOS test it came back that not autistic but they said something wasnt right,i felt some family members were a little smug (as if to say told you so)but i still thought test was wrong.
My son was then sent to an assessment centre daily for a few hours a day without me and he was dx with autism someone told us that after 5 mins with our son they could see he was autistic,my family didnt say alot when i told them but it was such a relief getting his dx but a shame that family didnt support us when we needed it.

[sickofsocalledexperts]

Let them take him for a full weekend, not just a cosy little trip out. Then look at their tired, careworn faces when they return him. Worked a treat with my sceptical in-laws!

[mysonben]

Argg!!! There will always be a suspicious relative or acquaintance who will think they know better and upset us with their sheer ignorance.

My ds is 4 in 3 weeks, we are going through process to try to get dx for him, 'mild' asd we ae told atm.
Around us there 2 groups of people , the 'unbelieving' who ackownledge DS has some delays and problems but won't accept it's asd. And the 'unrealistic' who do but think he is going grow out of it or be 'cured'!!!
I don't know which is worse of the two. In a way it's equally bad as neither will accept truely the reality. Although the unbelievieving do rattle my cage more so.

My mum (the unrealistic group)is supportive but constantly says 'wait and see in a few years when he gets to about 7 everything will be fine!' or stuff like by the time he gets to adulthood he won't be ill no more!
WTH!!! I don't see my ds has being ill, he has a developmental disorder not an illness.

No good advice as i myself constantly hold my tongue. But like you, one day i might just snap and say something back.

[Lavenderfleurs]

I do sickofsocalledexperts but they have had him for weekends since quite young (about a year old) and spoil him absolutely rotten (he is impossible when he comes back from there), nothing is too much trouble for the Crown Prince ds so there is not much opportunity for him to display his rather more challenging behaviours.

[Lavenderfleurs]

mysonben my parents were the wait and see brigade. I said it will become noticeable as he gets older not less. They actually used to be nearly as bad as inlaws especially my Dad "he is just naughty boy, all boys are like this!". I let them read all the reports from Paed and SALT and OT etc and that shut them up. Also helps that they have friends with Grandkids same age as ds and they can now see the difference.

[mysonben]

Your quote here: "There are usually a few "examples" of how well ds did something or interacted with other kids when they were with him."

That reminds me a couple of months ago, at my sil's wedding, i had a few comments along those lines "oh! but he played so well with the other kids there"
... if you consider he was simply running around shouting and chasing wildy as kids do. (DS has no trouble doing the mad chasing part!) but he was buzzing in a complete state of overload , crawling under tables, completely non-responding to instructions, he had a mini meltdown when the time came to sit down and eat, and DS was the only kid there who didn't manage to sit down for more than a nano second for the whole afternoon and evening!
But they dismiss that as he was playing so well with the other kids you know!

[Lavenderfleurs]

Yes, one of their examples was they took him to the local park and one of his classmates was there, he was very chatty and played nicely with said classmate so can't possibly be HFA right? Wrong! classmate had lovely, shiny bike that ds wanted to go on, classmate wouldn't have even got a hello if he didn't have his bike with him. 9 times out of 10 it is me who eases social interaction for ds and gets him talking to other kids.

Starlight, ds has diagnosis. Would he still be able to be assessed because it might help point more clearly to where he needs the most help?

[mysonben]

Yes Bibic sees children with dx too.

[Marioandluigi]

It could be me writing what you have written Lavender. Just this Friday after DS's SALT came for a visit and I was discussing it with DH and MIL afterwards - this is our conversation.

Me -He still has very little understanding and wont follow any commands
MIL - like what
Me - Like Get your shoes
MIL - But if I asked him and said to him we are going out in my shiny car he would
Me - no he wouldnt

The first thing she sai when Fraser got his DX was 'Im going to prove the consultant wrong'

I just let her get on with it, but it does get on my wick.

[lou031205]

The thing is, though, they care for our children too. How hard was it the first time you thought "there's something not quite right here."? How hard was it when you heard someone else say "I think your DC would benefit from a little extra help", (code for "there's something not quite right here.")

These people don't have MN, they don't have the knowledge or understanding that the openness of our generation gives, and even then we struggle, or we wouldn't need places like this.

When I first heard those words, I thought "Bring it on. If you think DD needs an assessment & support, get on with it." But I had been thinking for a while that "there's something not quite right here." whilst everyone was telling me she was delightful, full of character, etc. I knew she was hard work, and getting harder.

But, my Mum & Dad were shocked. "I can't see how they think that! She's great" My Sister was angry "How dare they say that about my neice." I had to say "Well, she's my daughter, and I agree with them."

Fortunately for us, DD started falling over a few days after the area INCO suggested 1:1, and we were seen at the hospital, then EEG confirmed Epilepsy. Not so easy to argue against that.

For our parents, they see the difficulty their grand child has, and the difficulty we have in dealing with it. And it hurts.

I'd quite like to think everybody had got it wrong sometimes But then days like today reinforce how far from normal our life is.

My Dad adores DD. He finds it hard to accept that she has difficulties. But yesterday, a year after her difficulties were identified, he said "DD definitely doesn't walk right you know. She reminds me of a kid I knew when I was a boy, who'd had Polio. She just walks oddly, tips her toe in before she puts her foot down..."

It was like a new revelation for him.

I suppose I'm waffling, but really mean, go easy. It's hard for them too, and they might not disbelieve it deep down, but it's easier than facing it. For them.

[grumpyoldeeyore]

I think its a generation thing - so many things were taboo and not talked about compared to now eg sex, homosexuality etc etc its not just disability. My Dad gets really embarrassed about DS (ASD) eg in restaurants when I insist we bring his pushchair in even if against their rules because he won't sit at the table etc. But when I said I felt he was being unfair to DS and labelling him naughty he got very upset and genuinely I think its because HE did not have the skills to deal with that situation. He just did not grow up in a world where you shared personal information with waiters and finds it all very un-English - he didn't even have a good relationship with his parents - very distant - didn't talk about anything important. I think its because they can't deal with their own reaction so just deny it. We had the same when DH's Dad had cancer people wanted to pretend he wasn't dying because they did not have the skills to deal with that situation. But I agree it is very hurtful and underestimates all the hard work you put in with your child which they should be recognising.