DH has really hurt me with his comments

[rainydaywoman]

Hi,this is my first time posting and really need to off load somewhere as have no one else to talk to.

My DD is 4 and has some speech and language issues and other behavioural problems that have yet to be diagnosed.
I have had to fight to get her assessed and heve made numerous phone calls to professionals and written to LEA ,school governers ,paediatricians to get help.

We had an appointment come through to see a clinical speciallist at home so I e mail DH to ask if he could make that appointment.We are lucky to get an appointment so soon.
He sends an e mail back saying
"do I need to be there"

I could'nt believe he had to ask it is an appointment for thr family to discuss DD and establish her needs.


DH has always been verbally abusive when he has had a few drinks and says I say things which i know I have'nt.
Tonight he comes in after a few drinks and I discuss the appointment with him and say i could'nt believe he had to ask if he needed to be there.i have been the one who has gone to numerous meetings and sorted most things out and he turned round and said I have sorted shit out and it's my fault DD is the way she is and I have turned his child into a retard.

I just could not believe he could say something like this and I don't want to offend anyone just quotig what he said to me.
He has said some pretty awful things in the past but this is beyond belief and I am sat here in tears and feeling numb.

How do oyu forgive your DH for saying something like that?

I just wondered if anyone else had had issues with there DH blaming them for their child's problems and whether it's just because I am her mother it is somehow my fault.
I am struggling at the moment anyway and this has just knocked my self esteem even lower.

Is it that he is in denail and this is the only way he knows to get out his hurt by blaming someone.

If that what he thinks of me as a mother how can our marriage survive this?

[JodieG1]

Personally I wouldn't forgive him as you said he's been verbally abuse before when he drinks so no I wouldn't carry on like that. Either he changed or it would be over I think. I couldn't put up with that forever. So sorry you're going through that.

[NikkiBFG]

Dont have any advice but sending hugs your way and a kick up the arse to DH! Insensitive a*se!

[edam]

This will sound very harsh, but I wouldn't even dream of forgiving him. From your post, he sounds like an oaf. How dare he speak about his own daughter like that?!

What exactly do you and your dd get out of him living in the same house and is it worth both of you having to put up with his contempt?

[moo]

To be brutally frank - no, I couldn't forgive that. I'm not sure I could be with a man who used words like that anyway and if he referred to my child, our child, in those terms...he'd be gone.

I think you have to ask yourself if you can go on from here - and if you want to. It doesn't sound like you are getting a lot out of this marriage - and your poor dd, God forbid she should ever know her father thinks of her in those terms.

[mummytosteven]

sounds like a pretty unhappy way for you and DD to be living - with a DH/father who appears to have a major attitude and/or alcohol problem.

you may find it useful to speak to Women's Aid/look at their website to think of what to do next.

[mymatemax]

Thank goodness your dd has you to get her the help she needs.
Your dd's difficulties are not your fault, I know that its sometimes easiest to hit out at those closest but I would find it hard to forgive your dh, especially as you say its not uncommon for him to treat you this way.
You deserve & need support not abuse.

[luckylady74]

i'm so sorry that this has happened - what cruel words. only you can judge if he's in denial - how is he with your dd - is he caring and loving? i hope i am loving with my ds1, but i do know i have taken a lot of
stress out on my dh since my ds was diagnosed - certainly not by being verbally abusive about our ds1, but just by being a moody vile cow with him - you know that thing about taking out on the ones you love.
i think you deserve at the very least a huge apology, assurances that he'll not do this again and an honest conversation about your dd and how you can stick together to support her. perhaps it would help if an understanding professional could talk to him and explain that special needs are not caused by the parents and that your dd is not any less of a person for having them.
this is not what any of us wanted for our children and it's difficult to talk about with others but he needs to stop being horrid about her!

[rainydaywoman]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Our marriage has been a strain for awhile and the drinking a big part of it.

I must just say he is a great dad and DD adores him and she has a good relationship with him.
It is just me he is getting at and no doubt tommorrow he will have forgotton what he has said but I certainly won't have.
He has gone up to bed and left me to sit here wondering is it my fault.
I am quite an anxious person myself and suffered from depression after DD was born but managed with CBT to get over this.

He thinks my anxiousness has rubbed off on DD and I have caused her to become shy and not want to mix with others.
She is quite clingy and I must say I do over protect her.

I just feel so hurt that he could use that word and also that all my efforts to get the professionals on board he says Ihave done shit!!!
He says with my problems how can I sort this out and whilst i am on the computer who is looking after his child?

[rainydaywoman]

I am sure I am not easy to live with and to be honest all this has taken a strain on me and am not coping very well at the moment.

I am with DD all the time as we have no family nearby ,my parents died a few years ago before DD was born and DH's parents live in another country and MIL might visit once a year or we go to her once a year.
She is also in denial about DD and says thing like she will grow out of it,or well she's intelligent enough,so talking to her is a no go as well.

As for professionals especially those from family solutions he sees them interfering in our business and when i said the lady i have been speaking to is very understanding and has reassured me it's not my fault he just said well at least your've got them on your side.

[lucyellensmum]

rainyday woman, i am sorry that your DH is being like this. My first reaction to your OP (not read any further yet so forgive me if i am posting out of turn here) is that your DH is a total prick and selfish pig! But then i thought a bit more - might it be that he is finding it difficult to face up to the fact that DD might have some learning issues and is taking out on you?

My DD has some speech and language issues (she is only 22m) but DP flatly refuses to accept that there is a problem, i dont really see it as a problem per se but have started her with SALT because i want to give her all the help she neeeds. He takes no interest and can get quite antsy with the HV etc, but has admitted it is because he doesnt want to think that his daughter might have a problem.

I think you are doing a fantastic job as a mother and DH is stuffing his head firmly in the sand but i just wonder if you shouldnt take it personally - easy for me to say i know.

[edam]

'whilst you are on the computer who is looking after his child'?! Nice. So not only is he unforgivably insulting about his own daughter, he treats you like the hired help. What did he do, rent a womb? That man has no respect for you or for your dd.

[lucyellensmum]

rainy, now have read your other posts - i feel for the both of you actually. I can really really empathise with you regarding the pressure on the marriage, we have had v similar problems too (i have had bereavement, illness and PND and basically have treated DP like shit and leaned on him excessivly) and the spite and vitriol that comes from both of us astounds me sometimes as our relationship was wonderful before. I dont know what to advise re your DH, his behaviour, especially concerning the drinking is not acceptable but it is encouraging that he has such a good relationship with DD. No one should have to put up with any sort of abusive relationship, only you know if this is the case here, but i can see that your DH might be just unable to cope with the situation and that you are the strong one in the marriage. BUT he needs to know that you need someone to be there for you too. I do hope you manage to sort things out, you sound like a fab mum, much stronger than me, im so shit when it comes to sorting official stuff out etc.

[rainydaywoman]

lucyellensmum-I have thought that also,that he is finding it hard to come to terms with.
But without sounding really hard i have to come to terms with it and except it to move forward and get things done.

I don't mind,but just need someone to support me on the days i am not coping and have someone to talk to about it .

I feel I am dealing with this alone and have no one to turn to.
There are times I really need to talk to him but when he comes home drunk there is no point.

Does your DH get involoved in any meetings with the HV?

My DH thinks they are just interfering busy bodies and hates me to open up to anyone.

[rainydaywoman]

edam-he knows when I am on line from his works computer and checks to see how long I have been online.

I do sometimes during the day research certain sites on special needs boards.
Also lurk on mumsnet as I find it relaxes me .

He knows I look at this site and says I need to get a life.
He also pointed out this evening that the only reason I have the laptop is because he goes out to work and pays the BT bill.

[lucyellensmum]

i have to say that we haven't had that many meetings with the HV, but he does share the same opinion. I was a bit cross with him when a lovely SALT visited DD as when she went i said, wasnt she nice, that was really useful etc etc, he said it was a load of bollocks. I take DD to ST weekly and he is always keen to know how she has done etc, he takes the stance, well it cant do any harm. Still insists DD is going to grow up to be a brain surgeon (well maybe she will - a close friend of mine didnt utter a word until he was 4 and has just finished his phd!).

That aside, the drinking is a problem, a big one and i dont know how to advise you about this. You are not alone though, mumsnet, despite all the bitching and sniping (if you are new you should visit the Am i being unreasonable threads if you ever feel the need to vent your spleen re the trivial and not so trivial things in life.

My hubby does not have a good view of our HVs, not that we had much to do with them but actually, she is a nice lady but a bit patronising and quite honestly, depressing so i dont tend to involve her. REgarding your comment about him not wanting you opening up to anyone else, perhaps he recognises that he isnt supporting you as well as he should and this makes him feel bad.

I'm not trying to take your DHs side here, as he is behaving badly, i just dont think it is productive for me to be slating him either as a)i dont know him or you and b)i think he is not coping as well as you are.

But you feel free to rant away, its what mumsnet is for

[lucyellensmum]

am bloody cross on your behalf though regarding the post you sent edam!! he sounds quite controlling, he checks to see how long you have been online? none of his fucking business is what i would tell him! My DP doesn't really like me being online so much but he wouldnt DARE say so

[rainydaywoman]

Thanks lucyellensmum-you have made a lot of sense.

As you say the drinking is a seperate issue and is a big problem when he comes out with crap like he did tonight.
No way can i put up with that.

Glad you are getting some help for your DD,My DD'S SALT has been very supportive.

You just take for granted that a child will speak at a certain age like the baby books all tell you and don't even consider that they will have difficulties,at least I did'nt.

[rainydaywoman]

lucyellensmum-he thinks whilst I am online I am not doing the housework or looking after his child.

Which is why I tend to stay up late most nights online and just enjoy the peace and quiet.

Although he tells me off about that also and I get snide remarks that he can't stay up all night as he has work to go to and no wonder I grumpy staying up so late.

I sometimes feel I can't do anything unless it involves being a mother otherwise I am not entitled to do so.

[MrsMarvel]

Sounds like you could be heading for meltdown if you don't sort something out quickly.
.
Main comments:
Mistrust - big danger sign. You have to trust each other and bring out the best in each other.
Alcohol - he's obviously got an emotional gap that needs to be filled.
Going to appointments - Some men are simply not good at these things. Try to find someone else to go with.
Blame - this goes along with mistrust. But men do have a hard time too and all sorts of things get said during an argument.
Sleep - he's right about being grumpy and sleep, go to bed now!!!
Take care but find help from friends if possible build up a support network.

[MrsMarvel]

PS - yours and mine could get together - they would be the perfect match (minus the alcohol though).

[gracej]

rainy, sorry to hear about your problems. Honestly, it is double as hard to have a SN child if you do not count with support at home. Your child is very very lucky to have you.
Just remember that people say the most stupid things when they have had alcohol, and they don't always mean it. It sounds like he changes when he has had drinks right?
You say he is a good dad and your DD loves him. Maybe you shouldn't give up just yet, try to talk to him, maybe with a counsellor. Explain to him how you feel. Or write a letter to him.

[gess]

Almost every father I know was in denial in the early stages. I used to have to hide my autism books when I first started having concerns. From talking to friends it seems many men were similar. Part of our problem was that I was the one who was mixing with other children. DH only saw ds1 alone when he appeared to be fine(ish). Especially as he was affectionate etc- denial was easy. The rest of the family was the same.

you may find a diagnosis helps in that your dh can't deny problems any more.

I don't particularly buy this "some men find it hard and go to the appointment with someone else". DH doesn't attend every appointment, but he attends the ones I ask him to, and he attended the early ones. Going with someone else might help with the appointment, but would have wrecked our marriage. Well the lack of interest in ds1's needs would have.

Give him some time to come round if you can, but it sounds as if you both need to talk.

I would come down very strongly on the controlling asap though. Comments about who is paying the phone bill should be out of bounds. If he continues, land him with a bill for childcare (I pay £7.20 an hour for ds1 because of his SN)

[Julia76]

Rainyday woman.
I have experienced similar with regards to verbal abuse more so after drinking. I have had some nasty comments & things thrown at me also in the past, however my dh does not blame me for my ds's problems. I have had the same reply also with regards to appointments & he has been to 1 appointment which was very early on & it was with school teachers & not health proffessionals. I could not count the apps etc we havehad to attend. His excuse was usually that he was at work & couldnt get the timeoff but imo that was crap. Just coulc not be botehred wit any of it. My BIN actually is usually the 1 who comes along with me as he drives & I do not & he stays with me for support at the appointments, ot/pt etc. Thats quite funny as the staff think he is my dh!
But anyway, going back to this, it is completely out of order him saying this. You definatley need to as yourself if you want to carry on a life with him but on the other hand you could work things out. My dh & I did & he really is a changed man. It can be done but only you know what you should do. If you would like to talk further let me know & I will give you my email add.

[rainydaywoman]

Thanks again for your replys.

I am feeling really tired and numb this morning.
DH got off to work early as he had an important meeting this morning.
He did'nt even say goodbye.

As for the appointments I have no one else to ask to come with me and I feel that DH should attend when he can not only for DD's sake but to support me.
It is very daunting facing all these professionals on your own and then afterwards siting alone going through everything in your head.


I know things get said in a heated arguement,especially when alcohol is involved.
But we have had this issue before where he says things whilst drunk then is sorry the next day,so if he knows this happens why does'nt he do something to stop it happening again.
I to am guilty of saying things in a heated arguement but have never said he was a bad father or blamed him for DD's problems.


I always get the comments about him having to work and paying all the bills,i worked right up until we ahd DD for 10 years so have made a contribution in the past.

I know we need to sit down and have a serious talk and maybe this family appointment will help us do this.
Also we need to sit down and talk about our relationship as i don't think I can carry on much longer like this.
Everyday I wake up feeling anxious and wonder if he will be home on time or go drinking again and leave me to deal with everything.

I do want to stay married even though I have said i may as well be a single parent as feel I deal with things on my own most of the time.
But his answer to that is he has to work.
Which I appreciate but he only works to a certain time and thren goes to the pub most evenings which is where the problem lies.

[RnBee]

oh you poor thing! What a total wanker . Sorry to be blunt but he is a cock who doesn't deserve you or your daughter. You are better off on your own.

What a terrible time for you. Feel free to CAT if you want a chat x