My son is so embarassing to everyone

[peppajay]

My son is so embarassing - well to others he is - and I suppose he is in a way to me but I am so used to him I don't let it embarass me otherwise we could go no where or do nothing. He has aspergers and speaks his mind and has meltdowns when things go wrong. I try to pre empt when something will go wrong which will result in a meltdown but I am not psychic and sometimes something happens in a split second which sends him over the edge and I am not quick enough to stop it. I rarely apologise in public if he has a meltdown as i try to concentrate on calming him down. Unfortunatley no one else can cope with the embarassment so is generally just me and him these days. When he is in full tantrum mode when other people are with us he is shouted at and told to shut up, grow up, stop being pathetic!!! My husband walks off and apologises to everyone in sight and says 'he is so so sorry, we are trying to change him but he (my son) just doesn't want to listen" . DH is finding it really hard and other people who I thought understood have said it is really hard on my hubby as he gets so embarassed and can't I see how embarassing he is to others-. I have no one on my side helping me deal with it - I really don't know what I can do anymore -except stay in our own little bubble. He is picking up that no one likes him anymore. So sad don't know what to do :0(

[peppajay]

It isn't just my DH though now more and more people who I thought understood are getting embarassed by him. Beginning to think I have made him the way he is!!

[Seriouslyffs]

It's trite, but I was going to say 'those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.'
But your husband...
Is he generally ok? Does he take new things on board? You shouldn't have to but can you have the conversation- does it really matter what other think? Why do you worry more about ransoms comfort and opinion rather than dss' and mine?

[c4kedout]

think I remember your earlier posts too.

no advice really but that sounds very hard. one thing dealing with the (at times) ignorant public but if his own dad is embarrased by his DS's disability then it is another thing all together.

suppose you have spoken about it. any idea why on earth he is doing it? how is he with DS at home?

[elliejjtiny]

peppa my son has aspergers syndrome too, he is 9. He chews things when anxious, his sleeves usually or his school bag, whatever comes to hand. He doesn't often have meltdowns, as long as we avoid things that trigger them, but he does have obsessions and talks incessantly about them, sings the same song over and over etc.

We've had mixed reactions. A lot of people think we're being precious and giving into him when we say we can't do certain things (he doesn't do plans changing or things that aren't "right" like the health visitor coming to our house instead of us going to the clinic) and others say that he looks "ok" and their mother's sister's hairdresser's neighbour's child has "proper autism" and is much worse. My DH has aspergers syndrome himself so he understands DS although he does insist that DS doesn't have a disability, he just thinks differently and is actually incredibly clever. It's true DS is very clever when it comes to lego or knowledge of trains but I can't help thinking that a little less train knowledge and a little more of being able to cope with DH parking in a different place might be more useful to him.

You are in the right here. You sound like you are doing a great job at helping your DS and being his advocate and defender. It's really hard parenting a child when other people keep saying you are doing it wrong. I agree with telling your DH that you find his behaviour embarrassing.

[knittingwithnettles]

Ds2 used to reduce me to tears sometimes, because I felt so "ostracised" by his public outbursts or inappropriate behaviour in some instances. I remember once he ran to the front of a public pan school concert and tried dancing along to the music when he was about 10 and his twin was in the choir. I was in tears when I hissed at him to come back to his seat and then he started shouting that I was spoiling his fun, I felt he had humiliated himself to all his peers (members of his class at mainstream) Another instance was where he attacked someone's mum in a paddling pool because she hadn't made her son hand over his nerf gun to him (this was when he was 13)

HOWEVER, and a big however is, all these situations were triggered and avoidable. I should have known that ds wouldn't have handled them. And most of the time he does handle most public outings really quite beautifully, trains, shops, social occasions, so he has learnt and it is one of my jobs to try and make things easier for him by not letting him get into really stressful situations where things will go wrong.

Have you thought about ways to reduce the pressure on your ds - crowds, outings, transitions. Talking things through to him, keeping things short, not expecting him to wait around or keep still, probably avoiding the wrong sort of social occasion. It will get better, the more you know about his reactions and triggers and the tougher your skin gets too!! My skin is very tough now, and it actually makes ds much calmer.

[knittingwithnettles]

My dh is very good with ds2, but other relatives find him really embarrassing and will challenge me on his behaviour...tell him to shut up, such and such doesn't want to play with him because of x, he's too loud, he's annoying everyone, why is he so messy, demanding etc. Strangers are often a lot more tolerant and he has now become aware he has to try much harder to behave well in public situations, partly because he feels safe and respected there, partly just modelling and habits.

[peppajay]

It's not just DH though - most of the relatives feel like my DH -and feel so sorry for my DH as they feel embarassed too- my parents and his mum are with him 100% and think there is something wrong with me as a parent as I am not seeing that he is an embarassment. Because of their 'embarassment' I am the one who has deal with him 24/7. I can't leave him with anyone so I have to deal with all his anxieties, meltdowns, and obsessions on my own and I don't know how much longer I can do it without someone being on my side or believing in me as his mum. I am supposed to go into hospital soon for an op but will have prob end up having to cancel as no one will be able to cope with him and when I am not around he is alot worse as no one else really knows what his triggers and anxcieties are. On a general day to day basis with me he is fine we can sometimes go weeks on end without a meltdown or a irrational anxiety episode- same at school- just takes one little thing that is different to the norm that is witnessed by someone else that changes the dynamics completely.

[anya1985]

Yeh it's quite annoying when the pressure is all on the mum!! I'm with my son most of the time so know him the best and he is quite well behaved in general but sometimes doesn't listen to me. At school once I spoke to him firmly and the senco noticed, in a meeting on Friday with her in front of my husband she said that I speak to my son too firmly and I get worked up whereas my husband is calm! I could have died lol, it's quite unfair us mums take the crap in general day in day out when all we're doing is trying our best!

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

the senco noticed, in a meeting on Friday with her in front of my husband she said that I speak to my son too firmly and I get worked up whereas my husband is calm!
Really? What the hell does she know? So hard when you can't even tell her to piss off!!


OP we have asd here totally empathise with you. I assume though your husband finds it really really really tough! I assume he didn't expect that when you were having a baby.... Let's not forget it's extremely hard on both parents but somehow mums learn to cope!
You need to talk to him calmly but firmly, remind him the he's a dad not just a father and your boy needs both of you big time! I wouldn't tell him off that wouldn't work, I would have a proper 121 when your boy has gone to bed.. Is his mother influencing him a lot? I suspect so.. I suspect also she is old school having no clue how to raise a child with SN, the first to throw him down the river in the old days cause he's not 'healthy'
So please talk to him as much as you can remind him how much you need him and have an open discussion and please please please have your operation!!!!

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

zzzzz I don't disagree but the guy may have a mental block, it's an extremely hard situation and yes I'd be furious too but before going berserk on him she needs to try 'bring him back' first

[peppajay]

Thanks for all your responses. As yet my son is not fully diagnosed, but at our last appointment with the paediatrician who is convinced who has ASD we agreeed to parent him as if he does until it is confirmed. DH is completely against getting a diagnosis as he believes I am just too soft but interestingly he had difficulties growing up and even spent time living with his nan as his mum couldn't cope but he or no one in his family will talk about it so I think there are aspects of his childhood that weren't nice that things with our son remind him of. He often says if our kids were normal (have a DD as well and she is just very intense and dramatic like most 8 yr old girls!!!!) he would take them out and do real things with them but his two pet hates are noise and mess and unfortunately all kids are noisy and messy regardless of disability!!! It works well just me and the kids but just getting fed up of having no one on my side or just to look after them for a bit!!

[peppajay]

I just do my own thing with them. I am being told it is me with the problem not him. I can cope he can't and I must take his feelings into consideration!!!

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

peppa that just be sooooo hard! I really feel for you! Difficult to give any advice on this, only you know him well... Has he always been like this? Has he changed lately in particular? How is he with you after children have gone to bed?

[anya1985]

Not sure how long things have been going on like this for and I know u don't have a proper diagnosis but maybe when u do this will wake him up a little? My husband always brushed my concerns under the carpet but once we got an official diagnosis and he heard things from the professionals he became more aware and actually changed for the better. He straight away started looking into therapies etc and ways to help my son. I really felt a huge change whereas to be honest I was a bit worried about how he would take the diagnosis

[anya1985]

He was completely fine and supportive and said we have to work together for the sake of our son and help as much as we can. Ok I am with him mostly as i am not working, but he still helps out when needed especially as I have a new born too

[anya1985]

I'm sorry but peppa posted for advice and NOT to be interrogated....