What happens if I don’t sleep train?

[7Penguins]

I’m reluctant to sleep train, but also exhausted.

Baby is 10 months old, breastfeeding to sleep. I settle him on the breast and put back into cot if I’m still awake, but if it later than that, I just bring him to my bed.

He then snacks throughout the night and I don’t get much sleep.

Tonight we’ll try DH going and rocking to sleep, but I suspect baby will cry and I’ll cave in...

If we continue like this, what will happen? Will baby magically start sleeping through the night eventually? When?

[BecauseReasons]

Generally, most are sleeping through by two and a half ish, but many start before that. Mine started at 22 months, after she got a proper bed and was night weaned.

[firstimemamma]

I didn't sleep train because I didn't believe in / agree with it. Lots of breastfeeding to sleep and cuddles. Baby started to sleep through the night once every 7-10 nights at around the age your baby is at now and then every night from age 1. He's a happy and non-clingy 19 month old now and I'm glad I did what worked best for him.

[StrawberryTarts]

Didn’t sleep train DC1 who fed to sleep and woke several times a night until he was 2.5 years old. He did ‘magically’ just stop waking at that age. Don’t know if I did it right, really...was fucking hard surviving on no sleep for 2.5 years.

DC2 slept 12 hours a night from 6 weeks old and never had any kind of sleep regression. so I was given a break second time around .

[StrawberryTarts]

Bad punctuation. I didn’t sleep train at all, is what I meant!

[Sparrowlegs248]

This was me with ds1. I started offering a soppy of cows milk at 12 months and at 13 months (he was reliably drinking the cows milk at bedtime and being cuddled to slerp) did gradual withdrawal. I took it very slowly and by 15 months he was falling asleep in his cot at 7.30pm and sleeping til about 4.30sm when he came into my bed for a feed and an extra couple of hours.

We had no crying at all. A bit of complaining after the first couple of weeks.

[7Penguins]

Thank you for the replies, I hope it doesn't take 1.3 years until he sleeps through.
My mat leave is ending next week, and I'll really start feeling the sleep deprivation then. I'm worried I won't cope.

How did you manage to hold baby without breastfeeding/offer cow milk instead?
I can't withhold breast, baby is pulling my clothes and undressing me savagely to get to it, whilst protesting loudly...

[Windyatthebeach]

Sleep deprived and a crabby dc forced us to sleep train ds at 9 months. Slept through on the third night..
One happy baby and 2 glowing dps....
Previously I had a ds who took til 5 years old.
Never again.

[KittenVsBox]

Slightly different perspective.
We attempted sleep training DS1 - he night weaned himself about 9 months, but still woke every 80-120 mins. It didnt work. After a week of zero improvement, we went back to going to see him everytime he woke, and settling him for 20 mins. Everyone got more sleep.
He is now 10 YEARS old. He still doesn't sleep through the night, but between about 3 and 5yrs old he needed us less and less overnight. Now I hear him chatting to himself in the middle of the night, and his light goes on at 5.30 precisely, so he has been clock watching, waiting to read. But he rarely needs interaction from us.
Sleep training works for many, but it may not solve everything.

[LunaLula83]

We teach our children so many things and so why shouldn't teaching them to fall asleep be one of those things? Feel free to go ahead and prove me wrong. Mine has gone to bed happily from age 1. Shes 2 and ran to bed tonight. My friends 3 yr old battles with her parents and the toddler rarely sleeps before 11pm. She refuses to sleep train. She hates her bed, her room and isn't a peaceful calm child. My child trained successfully in 3 nights and sleeps through.

[Windyatthebeach]

To be Frank (!) I have many many dc and way way regret the none sleep training nights than the ones where I did manage to train to sleep..
Enjoyed parenting so much more with sleep....
Doesn't affect you relationship with your dc if you aren't on call 24 /7 ime...

[SoldiersinPetticoats]

I sleep trained both my babies yet my friends didn’t do it. I didn’t think anything if it - each to their own and all that - until we all went on holiday when the kids were 6/7 and they were still having hours of “bedtime” before the children actually went to sleep whereas ours just needed pjs/wash/teeth/story then went to sleep. We were sat on the balcony with a glass of wine and a book and they were up and down for ages.
Like a PP said, our job as parents is to teach our children the skills of life, I don’t see why we shouldn’t teach going to sleep.

[runrabbitrunrunrun]

Then you’re child will trust you.
At that age they are helpless and can only cry out for you. If you leave them crying then they’ll eventually don’t bother crying anymore because they know no one will be there for them.
You don’t need to train a child to sleep, you only need to change your expectations.
Leaving a helpless child to cry is cruel. You wouldn’t do it in the day so why is it ok in the night?
Do what feels right, not what everyone tells you to do.

[runrabbitrunrunrun]

Also it’s very dangerous to withhold milk before the age of 1. It’s their main nutrition! Please don’t do that ffs!

[BrooHaHa]

If you're night weaning, I've read that it's best to wait until 18 months ish. That's what I did- they understand it so much more then.

Also, you don't need to teach kids to sleep. It's a natural process. Basically, 'sleep training' teaches them that you're not coming in the night so they may as well not bother crying. There's a Facebook group called 'The beyond sleep training project' if you want to see lots of people's experiences of not sleep training.

[7Penguins]

Well we just tried with DH going, baby immediately started crying. I went in 3 minutes later and he calmed down as soon as he saw me. Settled him on the breast within 10min.
I don't have the gumption to sleep train, baby crying is too distressing to me.

[BrooHaHa]

I don't have the gumption to sleep train, baby crying is too distressing to me.

That's OK.

[Marieo]

You have to do with what feels right for you. He will sleep through at some point. If you reach the point where you are finding it hard to cope, there are gentle sleep methods, but similarly if you don't ever feel comfortable doing them that's okay too. You might find when he is having more solids he sleeps a bit better, although if he is using you for comfort as much as milk which is likely, it might just take some time.

[7Penguins]

BrooHaHa I am having a look at the FB group, thank you.

I spoke to a gentle sleep consultant, I'm taking only the bits of advice that don't include crying - like delatching consistently when he's asleep, a few tips on the routine, etc

I'm certain he wakes up for comfort sucking and not feeding, he dozes off after a few mins on the breast.

[madcatladyforever]

It's interesting to see how each generation manages this. I was talking about this with my mum recently.
Grandmothers day they were advised to feed baby on a strict 4-5 hourly regime and never inbetween, ever. If they had needy babies they just left them outside to cry and were advised not to cuddle them at all between feeds.
As a result my uncles were so emotionally repressed they never spoke about their feelings and spoke rarely hardly moving their mouths, in addition got beatings at school and were bullied very badly.
1960's strict routine 4 hourly feeds, encouraged to bottle feed and leave baby to cry to sleep, never picked up. Still put outside a lot to get "fresh air" but I suspect so mum couldn't hear the crying. Probably got an awful lot of valium through breast milk.
1980's 4 hourly feeds but becoming a bit more flexible, sleep trained very early on, no sleeping in parents beds, put to sleep on their fronts only to avoid cot deaths, weren't left to cry for hours at the end of the garden but were most definitely picked up, rocked and put down again for as long as it took to get a quiet night. definitely no comfort feeding or feeding to sleep or feeding throughout the night althou some rebels were doing this.
Current day I'm not sure what's going on or what the advise is because there are no young babies in my family but nobody seems to have a baby or child that sleeps any more.
What advice were you all given at prenatal classes?

[Pippinsqueak]

If you look at my thread on AIBU titled about sleep training there are loads of helpful hints and support stories on there. I am in the exact same boat as you just four months ahead

[7Penguins]

catlady Current wisdom is breastfeed on demand. There wasn't much advice on sleep in pre-natal classes IIRC.

Pip I saw the thread yesterday I think, forgot to add it to my watch list, will check it out now, thank you.

[Featherstep]

It's ok not to sleep train, honest.
I don't believe in it, DS woke 2-4 times a night to BF until he was 18 months then just slept through. I'm pretty sure the timing was due to him finishing teething.
He's 4 now and has no problems going to sleep at all. 7:30pm and he nods off like clockwork.
Not sleep training does not mean kids grow up having problems going to sleep FFS.

OP if your baby dozes off quickly after a few mins it sounds tolerable (if not ideal). I'd consider gentle training if this gets worse or bothers you...I did try gradual withdrawal at about 12 months, wait till baby's calm (not hysterical) then just sit or lie next to him with humming/ singing/ play lullabies or white noise and see what happens.

[severalboxes]

Emily Oster's book cribsheet has a bit on sleep training that is good. There's no evidence of it being harmful, though it doesn't work for all kids and it might not be your cup of tea.

I've done it with both of mine. They go to bed happily and sleep through (DS only til 4.30 now, humph). There are a few nights where they're pissed off at their routine being changed but the whole 'oh, they give up on anyone listening to their cries' is a load of BS. A child who is well cared for will cope with it fine. Humans are adaptable. Children especially so.

Good luck with whatever you go with!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Well it could just all work out ok like our DD. I moved her onto her own room at 14 months. She then woke once or twice until we stopped BFing. She only fed fir 5 mins so the wake ups weren't too bad.

There is an option between letting them cry and fessing all night but it's not recommended until 12 months. Have a read of Dr Jay Gordon's night weaning method. Sorry if it's already been posted, I haven't read the whole thread.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

DS was an utterly horrendous sleeper. I felt like I was going to lose my mind, and lost my temper more than once. I night weaned at about 20 months, and his sleep improved dramatically. We were also cosleeping. At 2 when DD was born I stopped cosleeping with him and he started sleeping through with no issues. So far DD (now 18 months) has been a much easier sleeper, but I'm still cosleeping with her and she is resisting my attempts to nightwean so we'll see. She definitely wouldn't sleep through on her own without me. I regret deeply the times I lost my temper with DS. He had a sleep regression at 18 months and would sometimes fight sleep until the small hours of the morning. It was very hard and I was exhausted from also being pregnant with DD. If I had my time again I think I would have been better off sleep training him at around a year. It would have been a really tough week but I think afterwards I would have been a better parent with more energy and patience. But I would never have considered it at the time, I was very against it. Bottom line is you can only work with the info you have, hindsight isn't any use. So if your gut is telling you not to sleep train then go with that. My DS sleeps amazingly now so it isn't true that untrained children are always bad sleepers. But don't feel bad if you change your mind, and when you think about what's best for your baby try and look at the whole picture, which includes how you are being affected. I don't think sleep training is a good thing but I think a stressed exhausted resentful mum is worse. I wish I could take back some of those late night moments when I was at the end of my tether.

Oh and definitely don't try and replace breastmilk with cow's milk before one year, if you want to reduce breastfeeding you must use formula instead. Good luck :)