Feel like I’m giving up on DD over Grammar school

[Bonkersblond]

DS attends local grammar school, naturally bright, primary/junior teachers said he would thrive there and he is, he had some tutoring on exam technique. DD was due to sit 11+ this Sept, she is bright but finds maths hard, she gets it eventually........... started with a tutor last Sept to try and improve her maths this led on to 11+ tutoring as she wanted to sit 11+, tutor has been really honest and said she doesn’t know if DD will pass and to stand a chance would need extensive tutoring, an hour a day right up to the test, I’m against this and would worry about DD keeping up if she passed and gained a place. So last sat DD sat a mock 11+, she didn’t do very well in maths, VR and English would also need some extra work. So the test was an eye opener for DD and I have persuaded her to forget about Grammar and hopefully go to the good local comp which she seems happy with at the moment, she is keeping up with Maths tutoring to hopefully sit comfortably in higher sets once there. I know this is right decision for DD so why do I feel so crap that I’m letting her down as in not persuing a Grammar place for her to the bitter end. I know she will be far happier in the mixed comp, she will have a couple of carefree summers before senior school and we can leave all this 11+ nonsense behind us, please tell me I’ve done the right thing, people around me just seem so worked up about their kids going to Grammar.

[Gazelda]

You've definitely done the right thing.
You've looked at the options, worked with your DD, discussed it with third parties, discussed it with dd. You've together reached the decision that the grammar is not the best option for her. You all seem to have the opinion that she would most likely be happier elsewhere.
You sound like the sort of parent that will do whatever you can to give each of your dc the best chances that suit them individually.
You've definitely done the right thing.

[howmuchdoolah]

100% the right thing. What's the point in pushing children to pass a test (through practise and technique rather than ability) when they'll struggle as soon as that support is removed? What will that do to their self esteem? I'd much rather my children be comfortably able than always struggling/comparing. I went to grammar school. I'm also a teacher. I'm anti tutoring. However, a bit of practise is necessary; you wouldn't sit your driving test having never been in a car. You've done the right thing and don't worry about what everyone else is doing.

[Bonkersblond]

Thanks both, exactly what I need to hear.

[Caulk]

It’s common here to transfer to the grammar for 6th form, so that might be an option.

[MrsTylerJoseph]

Dd passed her 11plus and didn’t get a place as it’s allocated on distance. So went to a really shit comp in the next town. I’m talking only 34% of kids pass 5x gcse inc maths and English level school. So if your local comp is good then that’s even better.

She still managed to come out with mainly As in her GCSEs. So a comp is not the end of the world and I do agree it’s better to be in the top sets of a comp rather than struggling in a grammar.

[Bonkersblond]

Caulk - that’s my thinking, interestly a lot of the grammar kids round here tend to go to a comp for 6th form, think they fancy a change!

We have the choice of 2 Comps, one of those is a very pressurised environment, has a Grammar stream, I guess we could still call it a Top set, but if you don’t keep your grades up you get moved down to the main part of the school. I think I’d rather she started in the main part of school and moved up if anything. We have a bit of time for this option as they don’t test for the GS until next March, we’ll see how her extra maths tuition goes. The other was a failing school but has had millions thrown at it, complete rebuild, seems a good school, but seems to be a slow burner in getting the results up, having said that I know kids who have gone there and done very well, it’s also within walking distance. DD wants to go here as the GS alternative but I need to go and look at both again as couple of years since I checked them out for DS.

[Usertwo]

You’re looking at this wrong.

You didn’t fail to get her into a Grammar.

You succeeded in securing her a pathway she will be happy on.

For your DD the Grammar would have been a fail.

Well done on putting her needs first.

[NancyJoan]

Daily tutoring and pressure, only for her to possibly fail the 11+ would be an absolute bloody disaster. You are absolutely doing the right thing. She’s not your DS, so the right school for him is simply not the right one for her.

Keeping up the maths support sounds like a good idea, it will give her confidence.

[Hoppinggreen]

Dd is very academic and always has been, she did the 11+ and did very well with only minimal tutoring. She got a Grammar place but was also offered a part scholarship to a Private school so she now goes there
DS is very different, bright but lazy. Will do enough to place himself in the top 1/4 of his class but no more and certainly doesn’t have the drive that dd does. DH wants him to do the 11+ and we could probably tutor the hell out of him and maybe he could get a place but as we aren’t very close to the school and he’s a December birthday as well I think it’s doubtful. We have agreed that he will go to the same school as DD but DH thinks he should still take the test to give him the same experience as DD, which seems bloody pointless to me. Dd thrives under pressure but DS certainly doesn’t
You should pick the school that suits each individual child best, to be honest I’m not sure how DS will get on as his sisters School but as his only other option is a failing Comp it’s the best choice I think.

[Turquoisesea]

My DS is very academic and always has been. He really wanted to go to grammar school & so took his 11+ and got in easily. We have 2 grammar schools in our area, one mixed and one all boys which is much harder to get into and seen as the best school in the area without going private. He got into the all boys easily and is doing really well. DD (year 5) isn’t as academic but still bright but far more creative, loves English, art etc but not great at maths. She is adamant she doesn’t want to do the 11+ and that’s fine by me. She will go to the local high school which is good and will do perfectly well there. A grammar school would absolutely not be right for her & I would hate it to knock her confidence by thinking she’s not good enough to get in, which is absolutely not the case, but she has different strengths to my DS. They are different personalities and I would hate my DD to think she was a failure for not going to grammar school. As long as they are both happy that’s all that really matters

[Enidblyton1]

You've definitely done the right thing. Sounds like she's a better fit for the comp, and if they stream anyway she'll hopefully find a stream that suits and be stretched academically.
It can be very demoralising to be bottom of the class academically...

[areyoubeingserviced]

Op, I think that you should be praised . You did what was right for your dd.
She will do well at the local comp and will get top grades.
Just show her that you are happy and excited about her going to secondary school

[Bonkersblond]

Thanks again all, I have told DD how proud I am of her for changing her mind after being so set on GS, I felt I had to steer her into making the decision so it came from her, at no point did I want to say she wasn’t good enough. She has a certain spark about her which I don’t want trodden down, She’s still only 9, June birthday, and I know she will be far happier at one of the comps. I needed some wise mumsnetters advice and feeling so much better for it.

[Cobblersandhogwash]

Op, you've done the right thing.

Your dd will remember that you responded to her and didn't jump through the hoops of the 11+.

My ds1 flew through the 11+. Dd did not. I really regret putting her through it. I've found her a good secondary school now and she's very pleased.

I'm really not sure I can bear putting ds2 and ds3 through the 11+ even if they show signs of being capable of passing.

[Wheresthebeach]

Smart comes in all sorts of forms! You've chosen the right school - your DD will thrive if she's happy and challenge, wilt if she's unhappy and pressured.

Its a sign of great parenting that you adapt to each child. Not easy to do, too many parents try to shoe horn each kid into the same mold.

You've done the right thing. No doubt.

[sanam2010]

I am so happy to read your post. At least one child with a mum who cares about her well-being and puts her daughters happiness and self-confidence above other considerations. An hour of tutoring per day, ruining the summer holidays and potentially still failing to get it for a 9 year old summer-born child - it would be awful. You have a good school nearby, she is happy to go there, you should be proud of yourself, rather than feeling you have let her down. It is parents who put their children under immense pressure and ruin their childhoods with hourly tutoring throughout the summer holidays who let their kids down.

[MRSMYM]

A silly q what u guys mean by comp

[LP17]

@BonkersBlonde it's best to do what is right for DD. I think it's a good idea to keep up tutoring in maths if this is something she has a had time with. I actually went to grammar school and had a terrible time (the message from teachers was if you werent getting A grades across the board you were basically a waste of space) - I had some extra tutoring to help with maths prior to the 11+ but think retrospectively I would have been better off at the local comp. As long as your daughter is happy you've made the right choice. If she wants to stay in 6th form she might be able to make the switch at that point.

[BarbarianMum]

"comp" is comprehensive school (ie state non-selective). However if the OP is in a grammar school area her comps may not be comprehensive but rather secondary moderns instead (but not necessarily).

[Wannabecitygirl]

Absolutely the right decision imo!?

[MRSMYM]

Barbarianmum thanks but can you please explain what is a comprehensive school as I am new in England don't k know much about these ? Sixth form schools what are these ?

[BarbarianMum]

Comprehensive schools take children (aged 11-16) of all academic abilities. You are allocated a comprehensive based usually on how close you live to the school, or (if its a faith school) on your parents' religion.

Sixth form refers to the 2 years study you do post 16 - for A levels or BTECS or whatever. Some schools have 6th forms (so children can stay until 18), others don't. Children from these schools either transfer to another school or an independent sixth form college at 16 for further study. A sixth form colleage is basically an educational institution for study post 16 which is not linked to a school.

The school system in the UK is really complicated by the way so not surprised you don't understand it - there are basically 3 or 4 systems running at once.

[PeggySchuylar]

Bonkers well done for really thinking hard about what is best for your DD.

You are helping her be happy and successful instead of setting her up to fail/scrape in to GS after months or years of pressure.

[RueDeWakening]

@MRSMYM I think you're in Sutton, yes? If so, local comprehensive schools would include the new Harris Sutton, Stanley Park High School, Greenshaw, Carshalton Girls/Boys, Woodcote down in Coulsdon. IE everything except the grammar schools, since they're superselective and take relatively few local children overall.

Hope that helps.

[gazzalw]

OP we had a parallel scenario with our DC. DD is in some ways much more 'savvy' and 'sussed' that DS. She didn't go to a grammar school but I still think she might outdo her BB who does.

Really do think you are right to choose the right path to suit the DC individually!

Good luck!