DS1 passed 11+ but does not want to go to grammar

[derbyshire]

Running out of time - need to fill LEA form in by end of Oct.
He is in Year 6 of small primary - two good comps and one grammar in 10-mile radius. Comps 66% GCSE A-C and GS 100%.
He passed 11+ 30 pts over average so will prob get in if we put GS as 1st choice.
Shy, quiet boy finds it diff to make new friends. Not sporty but has small group of friends since Reception. This group will be divided between the two comps anyway.
Can be lazy and only worked for 11+ as we told him ultimate choice wld be his.
He wld be the ONLY ONE going from his school - this is biggest factor for him.
I worry that he's going to struggle socially in comp anyway and underachieve as not pushed. I went to state school and drifted near the end.
But will he be too lonely and stressed in GS?
I'm not a Tiger Mother so cld never force him but worry GS best for him and he will regret this later.

[JuliaScurr]

dd is at grammar - similar character to your ds
we wanted thisschool because of pastoral care/student support - they've been great on that
check out allthe schools on this before you choose
dd's final primary was good on pastoral, crap league tables because of big sen intake
dd and others allpassed 11+

[Blu]

The thing is, they can end up in a tutor group with no friends from primary even if they go to the same comp.

Do you know any other children who will be likely to go to the grammar?

[JuliaScurr]

dd isn't friends with any from primary, but is with one from nursery. they change friends a lot

[TimeChild]

If your ds only took the 11+ on suffrance as you promised that the final choice would be his then you will have to make the final declsion with care and not overrule him. You don't want him to throw this back in your face if things don't go right.

[TalkinPeace2]

is the comp a true comp, or are you in Kent / Lincolnshire or Bucks - it makes a difference

[derbyshire]

Thanks for the prompt replies, all!
When I say the only one I mean the ONLY ONE from the school! It would just be him - which makes me feel quite sad. In a village that seems like it might be isolating. On the other hand I don't think he's going to be popular at the comp.
He's a lovely boy and I adore him but he's an introvert. Not Aspergers or ASD, just that old-fashioned thing: an introvert.
Also, he's bright - always been in top few of school but lacks confidence. He didn't think he could pass 11+, and when he did wasn't impressed with his (good, I think) scores! So, some of this could stem from fear of failure.
Friends are important at that age, though, and I think he feels if he sees a couple of friendly faces at lunchtime he'll manage the transition from small primary to large secondary better.
I wonder if he would thrive at the GS with lots of like-minded nerdy boys though.

[derbyshire]

In Dorset so I suppose that means a true comp?

[LIZS]

Are there others older who have gone to GS in previous years that he could at least recognise ? Put it down and review if he gets a place, as presumably the comps would still be an option at that point and much could change in coming months to give him more confidence (perhaps look for activities beyond the village to widen his social circle).

[almapudden]

I would do all I could to persuade him to go to grammar school. It sounds like he might benefit from a competitive environment and could happily coast along under performing (but getting Cs and thus being ignored by teachers) at a comprehensive.

[TalkinPeace2]

yup, most of the dorset schools are comps

almapudden
not sure why a comp would let him coast along getting C's if they knew he'd passed the 11+
he's easy A grade fodder for them !!!

[grovel]

derbyshire, please give us a vague clue about where you are in Dorset! God's own county.

[mirry2]

Reusing to go would not be an option in our household. Sometime parents have to make these important decisions without the input of the child imo. He will thank you in the long run

[starfleet]

I was in the same situation - DS was the only one out of his school year to go to GS. He is shy but he did settle in quickly and has made a lovely group of friends - many of them who, like him did not know anyone at the school beforehand.

[GladbagsGold]

Has he been to visit the schools? Or is he refusing GS based just on where friends are going? If he physically sees 'enormous scary comp' and realises the scale of it, would it dawn on him that he is going to have to make new friends there anyway? Maybe he would then be more open to GS?

[PropositionJoe]

Get him to the grammar school by hook or by crook. Both my sons went to theirs on their own (ie no one they knew at all) and made friends. One is very good socially, the other less so. They all make new friends in year seven any way so if you feel the grammar is the better school for him, don't let this stop you.

[poozlepants]

Don't choose schools on the off chance he might get into a class with one of his old mates. When I got to secondary there were only 2 people I knew in my form group from school and I liked neither. I made new friends very quickly.
I would decide yourselves where you want him to go. He can't really make any informed judgement about his education at 11 so you should steer him gently in whatever you think the right direction is. If he's bright then to me Grammar School seems the right choice.

[ExitPursuedByAaaaaarGhoul]

What Prop said.

Also, he is 11 and not really in a position to choose the best school for himself surely?

[Portofino]

I was the only one from my school to go the Grammar School. I didn't want to go either. I am so VERY glad they made me though I made new friends easily enough.

[derbyshire]

He has been to open evenings at both the GS and the two comps.

He has been to one comp a couple of times in Year 5 as part of G&T programme. (The problem is he never believes he's gifted or talented - he's always pointing out people in class cleverer than him!). So, it's a good comp.
BUT I wonder if the higher expectations in the GS would naturally propel him upwards.

I don't think I could lean heavily on him to go, though. Am too soft-hearted. All DCs described as a "delight" on school reports, so not useless mother IMO! Just soft.

[EuroShopperEnergyDrink]

Just send him. He doesn't know what's best for him.

I was in your son's position 10 years ago, all of my friends were going to the local comps and I was the only one going to a grammar. I hated them at the time for splitting me up from my friends, but in hindsight- I am so so so pleased they didn't listen to me and consider my feelings because at my new school I got excellent grades and made lots of friends.

I still see some of my friends from primary, even now I'm at uni- but the friendship groups between those who went to the comps were very much divided and the groups didn't stick together throughout school. Even if your son was to go to school with his friends- then there would be no guarantee that they'd be in the same class or see each other often anyway.

I sincerely hope you send him to the grammar.

[EuroShopperEnergyDrink]

I don't consider 66% A*-Cs good either. That means a third of kids who go to the comp don't get basic qualifications

[kilmuir]

are you happy to change your mind about final choice being his?
I live in a grammar school area. my friends DCS both passed 11 plus. one of the DC chose not to go to grammar. did very well at the academy.

[Blu]

I would be in a dilemma.
-If you live in a village it is important to be able to socialise locally - will he be able to spend time with any frineds he makes at Grammar?
-Given his self-esteem anxieties, would he function better in the top stream of a comp or the middle of a grammar, say? Where there will probably be plenty of people cleverer than him and more confident than him.
-How does the 66% comp perform fir it's most able students? You can look at the details on the school's profile on the Dept of Edn site. Those results may be reflective of the intake - in which case they may still offer great teaching and get top results out of the top stream - or maybe of lacklustre teaching. Is the 66% incl Eng and maths? Look on the DoE website - see how many A*s at GCSE, and nhow many of the high ability children make expected progress.
-Would he get a chance to meet other grammar students at an induction day? Could you use MN to find other prospective students for that school to meet up with?
-Does he realise that if he is top stream or set material and his friends are not he may well not see them much at a comp anyway? Although he would at playtime and to walk to school with.
-Is the thought of the journey scaring him? Could you take him on that now a few times?

• Did you mean it whwn you told him it would be his choice? I think you have to somehow get him round to thinking it is if that is what you said.

[kerrygrey]

I was the only one from my primary to go to Grammar School and was a very shy child. For most of the first term I loathed it - cried to be allowed to leave. Then I made friends and was fine. I'm SO grateful that my parents insisted I stick it out.They have told me since that if I'd still hated it at the end of the first year they would have moved me to the Secondary Modern. Thank God they didn't - it was an appalling school

[RichTeas]

Is there a compelling case to send him to the comp? If not the grammar should be your first choice. Any secondary school is going to be a big change, and friend groups change. He'll make new friends, maybe even like minded similar situation (lonely) friends. In the worst case you can pull him out and stick him back into the comp. It seems pretty straight forward to me.