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You might laugh but ds nail varnish on toes has caused huge issue

(40 Posts)
allok Thu 29-Oct-09 18:16:58

So dh and I do not get on well. He comes from a culture (european)that is very suspicious of other cultures very macho etc.. I come from multicultural, metrosexual and funky family.

We have issues. I took ds 3.5 to stay with my mum this half term - dh won't come as is very 1) jealous of my family 2) been very badly behaved with them.

DS has the BEST time when there and last night my dm at ds's request put on nail varnish on toes. I was a bit worried about chemicals then realised that half the little girls at nursery wear varnish.

dh comes over to dm house today and sees that
a) ds has had one of the face paint things 0- a lion - big deal
b) sees toes and goes bloody mad.

Very bad - I then had to drive us all home 1.5 hours with ds feeling really bad as dh has made him feel bad about this.

This will get back to mil overseas - we're there for christmas (not I still have to suffer his really not very charming family all the time).

DH very unhappy about nail varnish - I know IT'S NO ISSUE. But how do you get throuh to a bloody minded very ignorant man this issue - ffs - when at nursery I see all the little boys dressing up with nursery fairly clothes and the girls using the spiderman costumes.

I AM worried as my dh has issues with ds crying 'like a girl' any form of playing with dolls etc. I feel my little one has no freedom to be himself and have a laugh.

Oh - and as dh hates me so much I just feel he feels I'm trying to turn son gay or something. I'm not comfortable with all these negative attitudes towards ds upbringing. How can I tackle this so it's not another case of him screaming at me but understands it's not big issue and how do I now counteract ds's fear of doing ANYTHING that seems girlie - when he was doing it in all innocence.

travellingwilbury Thu 29-Oct-09 18:21:24

Sorry to be blunt but why are you with someone you obviously dislike so much ?

morningpaper Thu 29-Oct-09 18:22:51

you seem to hate each other, why are you together?

serenity Thu 29-Oct-09 18:23:31

Er yes, why are you with him?

diddl Thu 29-Oct-09 18:41:32

Apart from not understanding why you are together, I also don´t get why he didn´t go with you, and then turned up?

And he´s been badly behaved with your family??!!

allok Thu 29-Oct-09 18:42:09

Because of other issues I've posted on other threads under different name, I'm not in a position to leave.

But this issue is probably less about hating me than rather he thinking that I@m trying to turn our son gay.

Merely looking for advice on how to approach this as he's now not talking to me, and to assure him that a little boy wanting nail varnish is not trying to turn him gay. Unless you all think I am and as a first time mum I stand corrected.

allok Thu 29-Oct-09 18:49:18

OK, we've been going hrough a bad patch.

Possibly we shouldn't have married each other 8 years ago - but we've been together 16 years and he was fine before but a miscarriage really put pressure on us and now since long awaited (and much sacrifice in terms of my career) ds against all odds, his family have upped the pressure etc but that's another story.

The here and now is that we are living together, and I bust a gut to ensure ds doesn't pick up on anything (which is pretty much dh's silences with me, lobbying for his country etc so ds considers himself a national of that country and will only eat that country's food etc but no more than that at present) but in the here and now I'M F'ING PISSED OFF THAT OUR DS IS BEING MADE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HE THOUGHT WOULD BE FUN AND INNOCENT IE NAIL VARNISH AS DS IS NOT THE MOST CONFIDENT KID.

My mum is at home crying and quite honestly I'm f'cking bored at trying to reconcile all this shit - sorry if I sound upset but I have limits and my son being made to feel really bad aabout this makes me feel bad and ds is sitting there saying he wants to go back to live in my mums house.

But back to nail varnish - I have options here - to shout and scream at dh once ds in bed and get nowhere, or to make him understand that these things are not dangerous , will not stop him going to heaven and will not make ds gay.

form of words please? Anyone?

totallyawesome Thu 29-Oct-09 18:49:21

Little boys wanting to wear nail varnish is more about wanting to do something they have seen others do, than the potential that he is gay. My DD had a thing about dumper trucks when she was little (the girl next door had one) and has not started asking for doccies for presents grin Children copy. It's what they do.

the cultural issue is the difficult one, though. And I truly have no idea how you would get through to someone that there is nothing wrong with what your son is doing. Are you able to say what nationality? That might help with finding a way to get a suitable metaphor for him.

travellingwilbury Thu 29-Oct-09 18:53:48

I have no idea how you would change his views on this one as he seems so different to you and the rest of your family . FWIW your mums sounds a great place to visit .
I know you said you can't leave but what is the reason you couldn't stay at your mums for a while ?

If things hacve been good in the past then there is hope you can sort things out but the way you are all living at the moment must be awful for all three of you

Louby3000 Thu 29-Oct-09 18:54:37

Blimey. It is really hard to give you any advice as this outburst over something so innocent is the symptom of a very bizarre macho (maybe misogynistic?) outlook on life. If you cannot leave him like you say then this is what you are going to come up against all the time, no?. Sounds like you have completely different values, world views, outlooks. Those things cannot be changed, so you are not leaving him, staying in this relationship and for what? I wonder if the reasons you must stay are worth a lifetime of bullying and stifling for you and your children. Is it?
Tell him that all the little kids do it and it is just playing with nothing behind it. Tell him it is good for your DS to be creative and play with all sorts of toys and games. Tell him boys that are interested in nail varnish show good expressive skills which will in turn make them excellent communicators which will in turn ensure your DS excellent prospects in the future. Or some such BS.
Tell your DS not to worry about his dad being a bit dim, he just didn't get that nail varnish was cool and a fun thing to do, but now you have set him straight.
I have not read your other threads, I am sorry to sound so harsh, but what is the point in this relationship?

morningpaper Thu 29-Oct-09 18:59:45

I don't know this man, but I've no idea how you can get through to someone who sounds irrational and a bully to his own child. Why can't you live with your mother?

allok Thu 29-Oct-09 19:06:09

Ok, loving the advice from Louby - that's what I'll tell him.

This is what the post is about - nail varnish - sadly the background doesn't say great stuff about us - but that's part of it.

Yep - mum's is a great place to go and we had a fun time. DH just needs to get a life.

Thanks for the advice and also the reality check that our family unit isn't good and I also need to tackle that - not just nail varnsih.

Many thanks to everyone.

Louby3000 Thu 29-Oct-09 19:10:59

Allok, sorry if I sounded unsympathetic. I am sorry about that. Good luck with it. Go and paint your DH nails in his sleep!!

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 29-Oct-09 22:58:55

Sorry but you need to get rid of the H. He's a sexist, selfish, homophobic bully and he is harming your DS with his attitudes.

Quattrofangs Thu 29-Oct-09 23:08:36

My DS used to have his toenails painted. This came about because I paint my toenails and when I'd finished mine I found a little foot in front of me.

DS is now a prop forward.

Your DH is being a total arse of course. Is this just one of those unfortunate snapshot things? By this I mean, are you posting very negatively about him because you are post-argument and would like to wring his neck? Or are there really these huge underlying issues? Because if there are, you need to work through them or leave the relationship.

I don't get how it is possible that you can't leave. Sure you can.

edam Thu 29-Oct-09 23:16:40

poor ds.

You could try to explain to your not-very-d h that sexuality is innate - no amount of playing with dolls is going to turn a straight person gay or playing with trains turn a gay person straight.

And that by making a huge issue of innocent childhood play, he is upsetting and confusing ds and may well be giving him some real hang-ups for the future.

Explain that ds needs to know that Daddy loves him and that that love is unconditional - Daddy loves him whatever games he plays or whatever toys he chooses.

Guess you can't use the 'ds has to grow up in this country where homophobia is seen as a bad thing' line given dh would obviously prefer him to be in A N other country which has rather different attitudes.

Tortington Thu 29-Oct-09 23:16:44

he;s a total cockhead clearly.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 30-Oct-09 08:43:50

"The here and now is that we are living together, and I bust a gut to ensure ds doesn't pick up on anything (which is pretty much dh's silences with me, lobbying for his country etc so ds considers himself a national of that country and will only eat that country's food etc but no more than that at present)"

That all sounds bloody awful frankly, not just to say highly damaging emotionally. You write yourself that you feel your DS has not freedom to be himself and have a laugh. And no, you cannot fully protect your DS from all that crap no matter how much you are trying to. You're both walking on eggshells around this man and he is damaging you both by his repressive inbuilt and cultural attitudes.

"but in the here and now I'M F'ING PISSED OFF THAT OUR DS IS BEING MADE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HE THOUGHT WOULD BE FUN AND INNOCENT IE NAIL VARNISH AS DS IS NOT THE MOST CONFIDENT KID".

He is also likely not the most confident kid because of his father's behaviours and attitudes.

I now come back to you though in particular. What are you not just to say your H teaching your son about relationships here?.

Wearing nail varnish now has no effect on your DS's future sexuality. He won't become gay just because he is wearing nail varnish now.

Do you really have to go to MILs at Chirstmas? Doubtless as well she has played a huge role in your DH's overall dysfunction.

BTW is your H from some part of the EU like Albania or Yugoslavia?.

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Fri 30-Oct-09 11:43:37

What a horrible man.

A gay man would be no more likely to wear nail varnish than a gay woman would be likely to wear a boiler suit and welding mask.

Your son might find it hard trying to live up to a man who has such ingrained ideas on what makes a person a man or a woman. You might find yourself increasingly having to defend your sons future choices in life, like maybe his career etc. I'd hate to think what your DH would say if your son, (regardless of his sexuality) wanted to be for example, a fashion designer or an air steward or other similarly stereotyped job.

Lemonylemon Fri 30-Oct-09 12:18:25

I can't understand why you can't leave. Of course you can. If your marriage is in this much trouble and you appear to dislike each other, why don't you get out? Your son's welfare HAS to come first.

roneef Fri 30-Oct-09 12:24:48

If you want me to stick to the particular nail varnish issue - I will.

I don't want my sons wearing nail varnish <flame me>. For cultural/religious reasons. They have asked. I have calmly told them it's mummys 'thing'. They accept this and don't seem too bothered at all. I'm fine with them playing with dolls, toy dyson etc.

That is the view DH and I share. Your DH was completely out of order to go nutty over something you allowed. It really confuses kids.

Did he shout/insult or just look disapproving?

btw it has to be said - YOU are causing tremendous long term damage to your son by allowing him to be bullied by his 'father'.

His dad is responsible for his actions but you being a doormat, horrible for me to see in print. I pity the child who has to live in that atmosphere.

Sincere apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick but I feel I have to say it.

crumpet Fri 30-Oct-09 12:40:44

My ds loved having his nails painted when we were on holiday. And took it upon himself to paint DH's nails too (got fuschia polish over a large chunck of DH's foot) AND was then so proud he wanted DH to wear flip flops to the market which, bless, him DH did.

(I have to say, it seems so sad for your ds to grow up in this atmosphere?)

crumpet Fri 30-Oct-09 12:43:23

appalling spelling and grammar

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 30-Oct-09 12:55:04

By Quattrofangs Thu 29-Oct-09 23:08:36
My DS used to have his toenails painted. This came about because I paint my toenails and when I'd finished mine I found a little foot in front of me.

For some reason this conjures up such a sweet image smile.

OP - you know that this is not the right environment to bring your son up in. he is a bully. If you (and your sun) and so unhappy and ground down by him, why on earth can't you leave?

MorrisZapp Fri 30-Oct-09 13:01:36

My DP is a strapping bloke 38 years old and 6 feet tall, and a mad keen footballer. He wears nail polish on his toes all summer. He loves it, and thinks the ribbing he gets for it in the changing rooms is hilarious

The thing is, there's no point in saying 'but this is just about nail polish, I only want advice about the nail polish' as your DH clearly isn't open to hearing about and accepting other cultures, values etc and I can't imagine there's much you can say or do to change that. It's as much a part of him as your own views are to you.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I couldn't stay with any man who could make a small child feel bad about dressing up. There isn't any wise advice anybody can give about changing his views on nail polish - this clearly goes so much deeper then that, and will only come up again and again in other ways as your DS gets older.

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