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Oh God, H being such a twunt I really don't know what to do. Feeling a bit desperate. Please help.

(45 Posts)
toftr Tue 20-Oct-09 13:21:36

I'm a regular (too regular!) on here but have namechanged to avoid being tracked, hopefully you'll recognise but not out me.

H and I have finally split after many years of marriage, the last year being hellish, with plenty of neglect, emotional abuse and an OW. Now I'm trying to sort things out and plan a future for me and the dc's. H seems to be doing his utmost to manipulate me into doing what he wants - moving near his work (hundreds of miles away from family)and is saying that this is the only way he will give me any support with the dc's, who are still very young and one of whom has some mild SN.

If I do what I planned, and move nearer my own family he says he will not see the dc's more than once a month, so I won't get any time to myself, and even may change jobs to affect my maintenance levels. Much as I hate to give in to his bullying, I worry that he is nasty enough to carry out his threats, and the dc's will not know their father. I really can't believe the man I married is behaving like this, but it's real and I can't stop shaking and crying with stress today. Any advice welcome.

Iklboo Tue 20-Oct-09 13:23:31

Something along the lines of 'Fine, put your proposals in writing to my solicitor and we'll get back to you'

GypsyMoth Tue 20-Oct-09 13:25:27

when i left a relationship i chose to move halfway between the ex and his family,and my own family. 100 miles either way. then he moved away anyway. so i'd say do whats best for you now.

i know you from your threads by the way.

Claire2301 Tue 20-Oct-09 13:25:44

He is most definately trying to manipulate you. I have seen many of your previous posts and this man sounds like a very manipulative, uncaring person.

I still think you should carry on with your plans to move nearer your family. You will have plenty of emotional support their and hopefully family members will help out with the DC's to give you a break at times.

MadameDigestive Tue 20-Oct-09 13:26:05

yes, I think I recognise you.

Look, if he is really being so nasty as to try and manipulate you by threatening not to see the dcs, then really, is he such a loss as a father?

Stick to your plans. Make sure he knows you aren't going to change them, and then let him do what he wants. You can't really do anything else, and trying to second guess him and plan around second guessing will drive you crazy.

I am a single parent, and my ds' father threatened all sorts of rubbish (in a woe is me kind of way) including moving to the other side of world. I just got on with it, and now they are fine together.

TheArmadillo Tue 20-Oct-09 13:26:27

What an overcontrolling cunt.

I guessing you left him to avoid these ways. Don't let him continue to control your life. You have no guareentee that even if you do move near him that he will do as he says. Also if you give into this what's the next thing going to be?

Do what you planned - don't let him control you. He may carry out his threats, he may not. But if you isolate yourself by moving closer to him he still may not carry out these promises.

These are his choices - whether or not he helps or sees his kids, and nothing you can do will make sure that he does what is best.

I would say best thing to do is carry on with your plans.

stealthsquiggle Tue 20-Oct-09 13:30:13

If you stay close (geographically) to him he will get to continue to control you by offering/with-holding help with DC and generally interfering with your life. That's why he is trying to make you do it - he knows if you are close to your family you will be in a better position to stand up to him. If he does, deep down, care for his DC he will come and see them wherever you are.

Go ahead with your plans. You know you need to, and it is the only way you will ever be free of the horrible person he has turned into.

totallyawesome Tue 20-Oct-09 13:30:29

First of all, get the CSA assessment straightaway. If he then changes jobs to try to twart you, I'm told that the CSA will see it as a deliberate attempt to evade paying and will uphold the original order.

My exH has threatened me with all kinds of things since we split. His main one was to cut off contact with DD. He didn't see her for a whole year. She was very upset and couldn't understand why he did it. I found it very liberating. He sees her now, but dictates the terms to me. I'm going along with it for the moment because DD wants the waster her dad but I can't wait for the day that he breaks off contact completely.

My main bit of advice would be to think of yourself. If moving closer to your family is best for you, do it and to hell with the ex.

diddl Tue 20-Oct-09 13:35:01

Will your family be any help?

TBH,I´d still move nearer to family even if they wouldn´t be much help.

I think once a month sounds more than enough for your children to have to put up with such a twät!

citronella Tue 20-Oct-09 13:36:34

I think I know who you are too.

Do what is best for you now.

I made a mistake of giving in to 'noise' and although I don't have to see xh anymore I wish I had been far more ruthless right from the very beginning because I'm having to get tough again 15 mths later with fewer strings to pull.

Sorry if that sounds a bit cryptic. I don't want to pur too many specifics down.

Just do what works for you now. Don't worry about him. His relationship with his dc is his responsibility not yours. I am only just beginnig to accept that myself.

Lemonylemon Tue 20-Oct-09 13:39:51

I don't think your kids should have to put up with such a twat more than one a month either.

Let him bluster - get it all in black and white and give it to your solicitor. Stop him in his tracks. He can't have his cake and eat it, which is what he's doing at the moment.

And he's only bullying you because he can. Once you show him the hand, so to speak, he'll have to think twice.

ScaryFucker Tue 20-Oct-09 15:17:05

I know who you are

Your previous threads have given you the same advice

He is trying to maintain control over you by keeping you close. You can see that, so why are you allowing him to manipulate you?

I think you will regret it very badly if you move near him. Then you will be trapped and at the mercy of his abusive whims again. Don't do it.

Come on, love. Make your decision and stick with it. Do not be swayed. He will be compelled to pay you a certain amout of maintenance. After that how much he sees the kids is up to him.

He is continu-ing to wreck your spirit. You need your family close.

If he really loved his kids he would find a way to stay in contact, at the moment he is using your guilt to keep up the damage to your head.

Stop it.

colditz Tue 20-Oct-09 15:21:31

if he is a twat enough to do this, why would you want your dc's to know their father well enough to be influenced by him?

Don't move nearer to him. Move nearer to your family. If you let the threat of withdrawal of support/contact to dictate your behavior, he will do it about EVERYTHING

toftr Tue 20-Oct-09 15:23:40

Thanks everyone, that's my gut feeling too. I think I'll need family around me at least to start with, even though I do actually have a lot of friends near his work from living nearby previously and possible work opportunities (we've moved a lot!)

He is a controlling, bullying twat and I despise him. I sobbed on the phone to him last night and this morning he's sent me a curt email about some chore that needs doing. No checking whether we're ok. It won't change if we're nearer him, I do know that.

missingtheaction Tue 20-Oct-09 15:34:13

As above. Hold your ground.

Is he saying
'if you move closer to your family I will be so far away I can only be able to travel to see them once a month?' (which is possibly not unreasonable if you are hundreds of miles apart)

or is he saying
'if you do what you want and not what I want I will make your life a misery by never seeing the kids and taking a crap job so you are poor'? which means he is prepared to sacrifice his children and his children's wellbeing to spite you - which means he is a crap father and you will end up with them all the time anyway.

He is on the Naughty Step for the first time. Like all toddlers he doesn't like it and thinks if he runs off and causes a fuss he won't have to go back. We are Supernanny: supportive and firm. Put him back; be consistent; ignore the fuss. Eventually he will give up.

Supportive and firm sounds more like big knickers actually grin

cestlavielife Tue 20-Oct-09 15:46:54

doesnt sound like he gives much support now so somethings wont change whereever he is.

give up thinking his time with dcs will give you time for yourself - reply on other people, family, friends. once a month sounds like reasonable.

do what you need to do for you and dcs. if their father chooses not to visit them is his problem not yours.

try not to cry to him on phone - stay calm and cry/rage after.

countingto10 Tue 20-Oct-09 15:47:06

Go back to your family fornow. From what I remember from your previous threads he was there for you or the DC most of the time anyway.

You need your family's support atm and if, months down the line it makes sense for you to move again then do so but for now, stick with your plans. BTW my 1st H threatened all sorts, hasn't seen his son for over 10 years now since DS1 was 6, no birthday cards, christmas cards, presents etc - he has shown his true self. DS1 has ASD and has been in special schools all his education and his father has not given a damn. Sometimes you are really better off without them in your and the DC's lives.

toftr Tue 20-Oct-09 16:51:26

Aside from his contact with the dc's, which is obviously the most important thing, this might sound really selfish and I really don't mean it to, but I'm worried that if he only has them once a month, and realistically family will only be able to give me the odd overnight, how on earth do I get to move on from this and ever meet anyone else (not talking imminently, just a few years down the line?) I'll be so physically and mentally exhausted, I won't be able to get out and about even if I want to.

Is this going to be my life for the next 16 years while he moves on to new things? All I can see is that he discards his responsibility and pushes it all on to me, and it doesn't seem at all fair. God, don't I sound self-pitying, I've really resisted thinking this way but it's really hit me today.

MadameDefarge Tue 20-Oct-09 16:58:22

You can't think that way!

try and imagine a life without his crap intruding into your life...

and plenty of us have children and meet other people!

You need to get a big picture here.

Be near family, take their support. that is garanteed.

His support is not. You cannot rely upon the maybes of a man who has treated you so badly.

Its time to be brave. You won't be physically and mentally exhausted, you will be free and in charge of your life and your children.

I am sure I am a good deal older than you, and I managed to meet a wonderful man despite working and having a child.

countingto10 Tue 20-Oct-09 17:00:03

When my 1st H did see DS1, it was only for an odd afternoon - it was his way to keep controlling me, he was totally unreliable etc, I didn't even tell DS1 when he was coming because more often than not he wouldn't show up because of some perceived slight etc that I had done to him. I just got on with my life, nobody had my DS for me except the odd evening babysitting but there you go. You cannot let this man control you.

ScaryFucker Tue 20-Oct-09 17:20:02

toftr, now you are starting to sound like you want your cake and eat it too

I understand though, I am glad you are admitting to yourself that this may be clouding your judgement on what to do

make a either control the rest of your life, or you allow him to

ok, so..... you move near him so he can babysit while you go out on the pull, do you really think that will happen ?

he will make your life just as difficult, if not more so, get real, lady!

he has an agenda, of course he does

even if babysitting is few and far between if you move nearer your will be from a genuine place, and with no nasty strings attached

your life is not over

I am sure it will be hard for a while

but honestly, you cannot have it both ways

you know that

Jamieandhismagictorch Tue 20-Oct-09 17:23:09

toftr Regarding your last post. Do you really think you could rely on him to look after the kids and enable you to get on with your life (and possibly meet someone else. ???

I don't think so, from what you have told us.

Jamieandhismagictorch Tue 20-Oct-09 17:30:07

>>> saying that this is the only way he will give me any support with the dc's, who are still very young and one of whom has some mild SN.


colditz Tue 20-Oct-09 17:37:23

Well why not? I want my cake and to eat it too - isn't that the very point of having a cake in the first place?

I'm really not being flippant here.


woops, caps, sorry!

toftr Tue 20-Oct-09 18:14:04

Thanks for your honesty, I do appreciate it even if it smarts a bit!! Maybe the best way to go is to get the best financial settlement possible from H so I can afford childcare near my family to supplement the help they're able to offer. This should be possible given his earnings. Any time that H spends with them can be seen as a bonus rather than something I rely on.

I'm not about to go on the pull, I don't think I'd know how tbh and I've never been one for pulling in pubs or clubs, it fills me with dread. I would use any free time to see friends and study so I can re-train and start a new career.

I think it's been such a hard slog the last few years I'm just scared of things getting even harder. I need to remember the dc's won't be at the hyper toddler stage forever, and dc1's SN could improve dramatically in the next few years. It will be easier when they're both at school full time. I adore them both but I do want to be happy myself too sometime in the future. Maybe that is a little greedy.

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