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Have been offered a promotion but feel so resentful of dh that I don't even want it. How to get out of the cycle of resentment!

(29 Posts)
Biffer Tue 13-Oct-09 08:43:38

I have been offered quite a big promotion at work. It will mean a lot more money but also more responsibility so probably more hours and everything that comes with that. I am the breadwinner (though both dh and I work) so financially, it will be a huge help to us.

Except I haven't gone back and said yes yet. And although I have some work concerns, a large part of this is because of the relationship between dh and me.

1. He snores, dreadfully, to the extent that I cannot get a good night's sleep. This affects my ability to work and although it may sound ridiculous, I'm not sure I can handle such a high powered, stressful job when I'm only getting a few hours sleep a night (this affects my health too - I didn't realise to what extent as dh went away a few months ago for a whole month and within a week of him going away, I was getting a full 7 hours sleep a night and a lot of the health issues I have (like headaches) cleared up totally).

2. He is excited about the promotion because of the money. I can tell he has not even thought about the additional stress it will bring. I spelt this out to him this weekend but I could tell he had a glazed eye look when I was telling him about the money. I am not motivated by money - well I am to the extent it clears my bills. To be honest, anything after that is a bonus, I'd rather have an easy life iyswim.

3. He keeps saying he wants to give up his job and do some work from home (we have done the calculations and if he put some effort into it, because we'd be cutting our childcare cost out, we could virtually be in the same cash position as we are now but with a happier family) but despite him talking about this all the time, he never executes the plan. His job involves a lot of travel, working on weekends and very long hours, despite him getting paid far less and I am always having to compromise with my job for his. If I took this promotion, I believe this will cause issues but he won't even think about this. He just says 'oh we'll handle it'.

4. He is supposed to do one or two pick ups/drop offs from school a week (his work schedule allows it) but he often calls me asking me what to do. When the children are ill, he sends them in (for example, today dd has said she is ill and he has just dragged her to school screaming about having an earache - she did have one last night tbh - he has just called me up and said 'I can't do this any more. This is just too stressful'. Why he didn't just call the nanny and get her to come early so that dd could stay at home, I don't know! And this adds to my stress because he calls me at work and moans about it!).

I know this might sound petty but I haven't accepted the promotion and I only have another week to say yes. But until I can sort out these issues at home, I can't get anywhere. How do I start tackling these issues?

Tortington Tue 13-Oct-09 09:01:39

sleep in a different room

he gives up his job and becomes a sahd.

he takes on full responsability with regards the children

TheCrackFox Tue 13-Oct-09 09:25:42

What HMC said.

Sit him down and have a proper conversation. Turn off the TV and make sure there are no distractions. He needs to know that if he becomes a SAHD then he does it properly and that he would need to treat it with the same respect as a job.

Good luck with the promotion.

ScaryFucker Tue 13-Oct-09 09:26:17

I second custy

but full responsibility for the day-to-day running of the house/kids

not just when he feels like it, and he cannot wimp out and call you when the going gets tough

Katisha Tue 13-Oct-09 09:45:45

Custy is corect.

Have another go at spelling it out. You may have to compromise on a few things, like accepting that he will keep ringing you at work about the kids, but eventually he will feel more confident. ( I hope)

Also get him to the doctor about the snoring.

HappyWoman Tue 13-Oct-09 09:54:47

how about you take the promotion - he continues working and your extra money pay for the nanny until he feels more confindent about the childcare.

He would not find the working from home easy if he also has to do childcare - but maybe with time he could fit it in.

I think you are trying to do too many things at once tbh.

Could he perhaps cut down his hours for a while - and take the time to 'learn' to cope and maybe look for a work from home job?
It may be easier once he meets some other poeple to get 'tips' on running a house.

Whatever you decide you need to sit him down and make sure you have more than one plan that you can try.

And also see if sleeping in seperate rooms helps - or get him to get it sorted.

ABetaDad Tue 13-Oct-09 09:55:57

Totally agree with Custy.

Get him to a GP and find out why he is snoring. Is he overweight? I snored a lot more when I was just 2 stone overweight.

I cannot beleive you are even considering not taking the promotion. Your DH sounds like he wants to change his life and so do you.

Although things did not work out, I wanted to give up work and be a SAHD with a lower profle P/T career and DW wanted a very high powered career and we both agreed to take on those roles. I think you would both be very happy if you went ahead and took the promotion. It will strengthen your relaionship not weaken it.

To be absolutey honest - I wonder if a part of you is not also looking for an excuse from your comment about not being bothered about money and wanting an easy life?

overmydeadbody Tue 13-Oct-09 10:00:20

I agree with ABetaDad and custy, I cannot believe you would even consider not taking a promotion.

Sleep in a different room and insist he goes to GP to see if he can stop the snoring.

Jux Tue 13-Oct-09 10:00:37

Another vote for Custy's solution. And like ScaryFucker says, he takes full responsibility for hte children, so it would be his decision whether they are too ill to go to school or not.

Once he has got a proper routine in place then he can look at working from home around the kids.

Point him in the direction of mumsnet!

overmydeadbody Tue 13-Oct-09 10:02:21

If you don't accept this promotion you will just feel more resentment towards your DH as you will effectively blame him for you passing up this opportunity. That will perpetuate the cycle you are already in of resenting him.

You need to come to some sort of agreement about thew childcare.

overmydeadbody Tue 13-Oct-09 10:03:56

I am not sure him becoming a SAHD is the solution if he finds childcare stressful though tbh.

TheCrackFox Tue 13-Oct-09 10:06:51

I am a SAHM and I found childcare stressful at first. Give him a couple of months and he will be fine. Anyway, if he agrees to be a SAHD he will have no choice but to just get on with it.

Jux Tue 13-Oct-09 10:13:31

Child care is always stressful until you get used to it. A new job is stressful until you get used to it. Anything new is pretty stressful until you get used to it.

Sorry, overmydeadbody, that wouldn't cut any ice really. grin He'll get used to being a SAHD, but needs to be allowed to do it by the OP. OP, you must respect his decisions over the care of his children if you are going to take this job.

Niecie Tue 13-Oct-09 10:13:33

You don't say whether you want this promotion.

You say you been offered it, it is more money and more responsibility and more hassle but you don't really sound very happy about it.

Did you apply for the job or did it just get offered? Did you only apply because you thought you ought to? Do you want it or are you trying to find excuses for not taking it?

If you don't want it, say so. I think you are making excuses a little bit. Your DH says you will sort it out. Perhaps he doesn't feel it is worth sorting until it is a reality not a hypothetical idea.

Apart from that - wot Custy said.

Niecie Tue 13-Oct-09 10:17:00

Maybe he can sense you aren't blown away by the idea of the promotion and is trying not to put pressure on you to accept or not.

Plus, it can be difficult to totally plan what you how you are going to handle it until you are doing the job.

Biffer Tue 13-Oct-09 10:18:06

what worries me is that I am wondering if he is talking about giving up his job because he thinks that's what I want to hear but he actually wants to keep it because he doesn't want the stress of looking after the children and having to build up work from home (because it would be hard work at first to build up). Because the last thing I want to do is take the promotion and then be in the situation where he is calling me every morning when things go wrong!

yes, whoever said we are trying to do too much at once is right. That's exactly how I feel. And I'm not looking for the easy life (though it would be nice wink) but as I said above, what I am worried about is taking the promotion then finding out I'm having to take more responsibility at home too because I won't manage.

The snoring is a nightmare. We have no spare room, the house is tiny and there is nowhere you can't hear him snore. I can hear him outside on the street he is so loud. It runs in his family and all the men his side have been for those sleep tests etc. and all they have done at the end of all the tests (and some even had operations) is shrug their shoulders (the doctors) and said 'well some people do just snore'. One even had an operation to do with his palate and it was very painful and it still didn't work. He is slightly overweight but he does exercise a lot. I do think weight is a factor but weight loss is certainly not going to happen fast.

I think what I'd like to happen is that he helped take some responsibility here. I'd love to come home tonight and have him say 'don't worry, I'll try and sort out my snoring, I'll help with the kids, I'll get them to school without calling you!' but it doesn't happen!

Leeka Tue 13-Oct-09 10:19:27

Maybe he could continue as he is, until he decides it's the right time for him to make a change.

You could extend your nanny's hours perhaps to cover the school runs that he is currently doing, and other situations that cause him/you stress when he does them, with your additional salary covering the cost of this.

I sleep with foam earplugs as my partner snores, I started this a few weeks ago and the difference is amazing! I now get a full night's sleep, and when he comes to bed later than me I don't even hear him come in.

Lancelottie Tue 13-Oct-09 10:49:41

Maybe, just maybe, the extra income would mean you could save for a deposit on a bigger house with an extra bedroom?

It might at least give you hope!

Alternatively, perhaps you'll be so shattered that you'll sleep right through the snoring (fellow sufferer here -- it's so bloody unfair that the snorer gets to sleep while the snoree frets fumingly and stomps off to the sofa...)

cestlavielife Tue 13-Oct-09 11:22:20

"""'I can't do this any more. This is just too stressful'. Why he didn't just call the nanny and get her to come early so that dd could stay at home, I don't know! And this adds to my stress because he calls me at work and moans about it!).""

my exP was like that.
he offered/begged to be a SAHD and i had grave misgivings he would cope. because like you H he would find it "too stressful" when he was in charge of dcs for a short time eg i went away for one night.

in the end he resigned his job - end of 2004. the nanny left by feb 2005. he too was going to "work from home" - it never happened.

he did NOT cope nor did he seem to want to. "i wish i had never left my job". he hated the twice a day journey to school, the sameness of day in day out....he moaned constantly to me "you are so lucky going to work". in the end, he also went into deep clinical depression.

i ended up being in charge of the dcs anyway via phone to /through him and would come home from work and find i had to still do dinners etc.

please - have him do a trial, take a month leave without pay whatever, have the nanny take a two week holiday and have him do everything (NO help from you) .

make him see the reality.

what you dont want is him leaving his work without taking on baord what it means - you need to be really sure he will cope with the change in lifestyle it will involve.

will he take on the repsonsibility?

if he doesnt now - what will change if he becomes a SAHD?

trial it first, for long enough for him to think - maybe better he cuts his hours and you still keep a part time nanny/au pair. .

or just go off for a weekend and leave him to it, ignoring his phone calls.

or if your salary will stretch to it - make it clear he is to start to work from home and get a part time nanny /au pair so that he does not use the excuse of school runs to do nothing.

reading between the lines - you are saying "if he put some effort into it,"

"if he takes more responsiblity"

why would he? why should he? you helped him out always up to now....

i really thought my exP would take it on board and take on the responsibility, see the benefits for him/us/the dcs. but he did not, could not, would not.... (so i now EX - other reaons too...)

if he does not show he takes responsibility now, why on earth is it going to change because he no longer has work to go to? in some ways, for many of us work provides escape, etc.... some cant cope with change.

sure give him a chance - but be very carefula nd if he can ask for leave without pay for a few months - with his job to return to if he decides to - so much the better.

then it will be a proper informed decision.

if eh jsut thinks the grass will be greener - then be very careful.

if you are reading this and thinking - she is nuts, my H is nothing like that, he is great with kids, i can leave him for a night/weekend and everything goes relly well.... - then fantastic - i think it CAN work really well and i have work colleague whose H is SAHD and it is fantastic for both of them and the dcs. he has always done bits and pieces here and there while kids at school and all is wonderful.

but it all went horribly wrong when my exP left his work to be a SAHD. even tho he made that decision himself....he hated even being called a "house husband" eg my sisiter would say - very pleasantly - so how is it going being a house husband? -expecintg an "it's great i get time to do xxxx and yyy" - and he would start - "dont call me that!" etcetc..

ask your H - what will you say when people ask you, what do you do? will you be proud to say "i am a stay at home dad"?

Biffer Tue 13-Oct-09 11:55:55

I don't think you're nuts at all cestlavie. And the points you make are valid. He is one of those people who is not good at change. He lived in the same house his whole life, went to only one secondary school, has kept the same group of friends since university. I think he has this great vision in his head of being at home but I think he will hate the reality. He does one day a week now and when I come home he already says how exhausted he is (FFS!) and they are at school all day.

He also loves me and unfortunately, I think would tell me he thinks it would work because that's what I want to hear however, he's not thinking of the reality at all.

I got offered this promotion, I didn't put myself up for it so it has come as a surprise and yes, I think I'd like to take it. I do feel pleased and I have been working hard. But I would like dh to be realistic about what it would mean for us and how we can't continue with his travel and weekend work. The ideal would be that he would get another job but his industry is in a massive decline and we have kept our eye out for other jobs and in the last year, not one has come up at dh's level.

So I suppose the conclusion is we will have to do something. I think I need to have another chat with him and just force him to be honest.

I went away for 3 days a few months ago and he upped and took the children to his parents. He didn't have to and 'sold' it as crossing a visit off we would have had to make all together but in reality, he did it because he finds it hard coping on his own and you're right cestlavie, I can't see that changing overnight.

(I know some will read that and think wtf?! but he does have other qualities and is brilliant doing activities with them - helps coach football etc. but he just finds the day to day mundane stuff like the cooking etc. a real chore but don't we all!)

Jux Tue 13-Oct-09 20:53:35

You are going to have to list all the things that he will have to do daily, weekly, monthly. You will have to tell him that you want this promotion but that it won't work if he doesn't pull his weight. He must look at the list and tell you what he isn't able to do, without constant reassurance from you via the phone.

He sounds thoroughly coddled and needs to grow up a bit, tbh.

allok Wed 14-Oct-09 17:52:10

Congratulations on the offer of a promotion.

I have same issue with dh about snoring and it IS problem that affects me.

But do want this promotoin and are worried that you won't be given the home space for the extra responsibilities and hours or is it that you'd rather spend more time at home yourself?

If I were in your shoes I would worry too but it all sounds doable as long as the promotion is, in your heart, what you want and would make you fulfilled.

biffer Thu 15-Oct-09 09:18:18

just to let you know, I had a very open and honest conversation with dh yesterday

he was absolutely horrified that I was thinking of not taking the promotion because of him. He says that I take his moaning far too personally and that he is just a big old whinge bag (his words wink) and that he wouldn't dream of not being supportive like we both are to each other. He also said he will stop calling me every time something has gone wrong and it was just a habit he has got into. I do think he means it too. He was very sad that I thought he was miserable but admits we have some work to do on his job and snoring wink.

So I feel a lot more positive today and have accepted the promotion .

Thanks everyone. It was very useful to talk it through.

ABetaDad Thu 15-Oct-09 09:26:09

Thats is good news.

Well done on the promotion and DH for stepping up to the plate. smile

pipWereRabbit Thu 15-Oct-09 09:29:23

Congratulations Biffer, well done for tackling this in such a positive way. Your DH sounds like a nice bloke, who just sometimes forgets that you find it tought too.

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