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don't get on with my parents. would i be better off not bothering with them anymore?

(38 Posts)
babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 14:35:45

hi this is my first time on here.I have recently fell out with my mum again but this time i feel like i don't want to bother with my parents anymore as i have tried to sort things out with them a few times but don't seem to get anywhere. i have a half brother and a sister both younger than me and they too are not talking to me now due to the fact i am not talking to my parents, but they always do that. my mum and dad both had bad child hoods and that is there reason for bringing me up the way they did, my mum and dad gave me verbal abuse as well as physical and mental abuse. when my dad has had a drink on occasions he has always said sorry for hitting me, due to feeling guilty maybe? but my mum doesn't seem to think that she treated me badly, she says she had it worse than i did. no excuse in my opinion! my real dad used to beat my mum up when we were babies she left him and them married his brother who is my step dad (the dad i am talking about now) i have nothing to do with my real dad either. i had a bad relationship when i was 19 years old and it was an abusive one. so i had that to deal with and also my parents trying to kick me out all the time. i did not take this so well and had a breakdown and took an overdose and luckily i was ok spent some time in hospital and had to see a shrink. my parents were ok with me and treated me a bit better for a few weeks then they tried to kick me out again. they kept saying i had a screw lose and i was trouble. so finally i asked a friend if i could live with her and i did and then got my own place. they did help me with a deposit for the house which i gave back out of my college grant. but after that they did not visit much at all. and when ever i visited them we had a row and i would leave crying. i met my husband and three years later we got married. my mum didn't speak to me for a month because i wanted to leave from a friends house due to her having dogs and i didn't want them jumping up at my wedding dress. i got in touch with my mum first and they still treated my badly. and hardly bothered with me. i got pregnant and suddenly it was like my mum had changed and wanted to know me. but all she did was give me grief and boss me around about what i should do with my baby and pregnancy. my baby ended up being breech and i had to have a c section and because my mum had had three c sections she started bossing me and the nurses around. i was trying to have the baby turned before having a c section but my mum was having none of it. i secretly went back with just me and my husband to have an evc where they turn the baby. it didn't work and i ended up having a c section. and had a lovely baby girl. she is now 17 months old and my mum was all over her when she was tiny but as soon as she got to 12 months and started having tantrums she hardly bothers with her and never takes her out. wow i have wrote alot. but there is sooo much more. but i am waffling now. i feel kinda guilty for not wanting to bother with them anymore, but with time will this pass? has anyone else been in this situation?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Tue 22-Sep-09 14:36:50

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RealityIsNOTDetoxing Tue 22-Sep-09 14:38:21

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babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 14:39:44

thank you, wow i wrote way too much.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Tue 22-Sep-09 14:40:40

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babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 14:43:01

thats what my DH said to me.

and i was hoping that i was not just being childish.

they have a way of making me feel like it is me that is in the wrong all the time.

Dalrymps Tue 22-Sep-09 14:43:55

It really is a decision only you can make.

I stopped talking to my parents, tried to make up with them, didn't work so stopped contact again. For me it was a case of which was worse, the guilt I felt when not in touch or the stress I felt when they were in my life. For me the stress was far greater so I chose no more contact for the forseable future. I do feel guilt now and again, especially at xmas but I can't have a relationship with them at the moment as I don't think my mental health would survive.

My parents never physically abused me, more mental abuse and are just very toxic. It doesn't sound like they have been very 'good' so far so I wouldn't blame you tbh.

Ask yourself what you get out of the relationship and maybe go from there?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Tue 22-Sep-09 14:45:26

Message withdrawn

Dalrymps Tue 22-Sep-09 14:45:27

Oh and keep telling yourself 'It isn't my fault', don't let them make you feel that, it isn't true.

babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 14:48:34

hi yes , i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me when i don't talk to them.

and i felt more hurt by the mental abuse i got more than the physical abuse, as it sticks in your mind i think.

i don't think i would get alot from them tbh.

babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 14:50:08

thanks i will have a look at the 'stately homes'

babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 14:52:59

it is very hard to convince myself that it is not my fault.

but i am trying, dalrymps what kind of mental abuse did you get? if you don't mind me sking?

Tanee58 Tue 22-Sep-09 15:06:24

Babbit, keep telling yourself, 'This is not my fault - I am a worthy person'. Your parents have NOT been 'parents' to you - they are damaged individuals who have never dealt with their own demons - just projected them onto you. Make your own family now with your DH and lovely DD and do NOT feel guilty about cutting them out of your life. I believe that one should only admit people into your life, who enhance it and make you feel good about yourself. If they are capable of inflicting pain, guilt and lack of self respect, be they your parents, partners or friends, you do not need them - and neither does your DD. I'm sure you will be a fabulous mother yourself, because you have so much more insight than your mother will EVER have! Her loss, not yours. smile

Dalrymps Tue 22-Sep-09 15:08:36

It's hard to explain really.. just very controlling and manipulative behaviour. My mother is quite narsicistic and my dad 'enables' her. She did a lot of things around my wedding that were the final straw.

My mother told lots of lies about myself, my husband and both my brothers and their partners. There's so much I don't know where to start.

They shouted at me all the way to my uni interview and told me my portfolio was shit and went on and on about the fact that my college course had been a waste of time. I was crying my eyes out when I got there. It was all just aplan to stop me going. I got on the course anyway grin

They wouldn't let either of my brothers leave the family business yet they wouldn't pay them enough to get their own mortgage and move out and progress with their lives. Thye both eventually left against my parents wishes and were made to feel terrible for it.

My mother made a speech at my brothers wedding about how my brother had been basically a pain in the arse and his new wife was welcome to him.

There have been hundreds of abusive, threatening phone calls and messages. I could go on forever really.

Tanee58 Tue 22-Sep-09 15:18:39

Wow Dalrymps, I thought I had issues with my parents, but nothing like as bad. Yours sound real sweethearts hmm. Makes one think that people should have to take a psychological test before being allowed to have children (if I ruled the world... grin).

Dalrymps Tue 22-Sep-09 15:27:11

It's funny, when I was writing that I was thinking, 'this stuff isn't that badm people will think i'm being silly' thanks for the reassurance smile

thesecondcoming Tue 22-Sep-09 15:52:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 19:40:05

hi tanee58, thank you for your comforting words.

It feels so good to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing as i am.

i am sorry about your parents dalrymps.

they also do not sound like nice people i can understand why you do not bother with them.

i haven't heard anything from my parents for nearly two weeks now.

my mum tried to phone me the day after i told her i wasn't going to bother anymore.

i got my husband to answer the call, she put the water works on and told him she was feeling really down and she needed to talk to me.

usually i fall for it and answer and talk to her and in return get the whole you don't love me crap. as if i am the bad person in all this.

she used to tell me often as a child she didn't love me because she didn't know how to and that she wishes she never gave birth to me.

oh the worst one that always got me angry and upset the most was saying i was just like my father. not a nice person at all. and to be classed as that was not nice.

she would slap me in my face and pull my hair and even put all her weight on me in an argument, but to this day she will say i never had it as bad as what she got.

my step dad always got dragged into the arguments and he would also slap me across my head hard. i could hear ringing in my ears for hours after and he has even gripped me around my throat a few times in anger too.

and when i think about all that i am glad i don't see or hear from them really.

Littlepurpleprincess Tue 22-Sep-09 20:19:03

Stay away sweet heart. This is child abuse.I am so sorry. I don't talk to my mum anymore and the guilt is bad but it's getting better with time. It's not your fault.

babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 20:33:42

hi LPP yes they did abuse me, but according to my mum she does not think so.
i do know she had it a lot worse than i did but there is no excuse for it.
do you mind me asking why you do not talk to your parents anymore?
My sister knows what i went through but she is not talking to me now either?
i don't really understand why? maybe to keep on my mums good side i guess.

Dalrymps Tue 22-Sep-09 21:03:56

Ah yes the water works, I've had that lots. She's always the victim and everyone takes her side as she's so 'upset'. Don't fall for it, it's just another form of manipulation so she/they can get their own way.

I am shocked at the things that have been said to you over the years sad no one should ever have to hear those things and be made to feel so unwanted and to blame. Normal people do not say things like this to their children whether they think them or not. It is not your fault, you are right when you say there is no excuse for you being treated that way. The fact that your mother 'had a lot worse' should mean she went out of her way to do things differently and not put you through the same.

I couldn't care less whether they 'think' they abused/abuse you, they did and still do.

If i listened to my parents version of events and oppinion on my situation they would be prefect angels who only ever do their best for me. Of course I know this is not true. If you think it's wrong, it is.

I've had a lot of resistance from my parents since breaking contact. Still wanting to control the situation. Not respecting my wishes to not want contact anymore. At one point (when I was 26, married with own home, dog and husband) they reported me as missing/kidnapped to the police and I had to verify that I was indeed alive and well and not kidnapped or 'in a cult' as my mum had tried to convince the police angry.

The second time I broke contact I had not given them my new address and had told them I didn't want them to have it as I didn't trust them not to turn up and cause a scene (another thing they used to do frequently to myself and brothers). Anyway, they tracked me down and found out my address against my wishes and turned up at my house when ds was alseep in bed with a virus. Dh answered the door and was horrified, my mother shoved her foot in the door and tried to get in. Dh managed to close the door and she then continued to scream through the letterbox that dh was a control freak (hmm says her) despite being told ds was ill in bed.

We had to call the police to get them to go.

After that we had numerous abusive answerphone messages until we got the police to call my parents and ask them to respect my wishes otherwise there would be further action. I have had peace and quiet for a while but they never stay quiet for long...

I have heard of toxic parents just not bothering anymore once contact has been broken but that has not been my experience.

thesecondcoming Tue 22-Sep-09 21:13:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dalrymps Tue 22-Sep-09 21:30:15

Yeah, I know! Total loonies.

babbit83 Tue 22-Sep-09 21:32:16

the secondcoming took the words right out of my mouth. i am shocked at what you have been through, she does sound so much like my mum.
that is so bad to do that to you, i am not sure if my mum will try that with me. the longest she didn't speak to me last time was for a month and then i contacted her.
so at the moment it is quiet and i have not heard anything, but give it a few months and she will realize i am serious about not wanting anything to do with her.
then i am not sure what she will do? she will miss her GD more i think and only contact me because of this reason.

thesecondcoming Tue 22-Sep-09 21:38:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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