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Violent reaction when confronted with suspected infedility??

(33 Posts)
startingovernow Sat 19-Sep-09 22:06:29

Can anyone offer an opinion as to why dh would have got v aggressive & violent when I confronted him that I suspected he was being unfaithful. He is very prone to being fiery when confronted. I'm just wondering was his reaction because he was angry over being caught or angry over being accused in the wrong? Anyone any experience of this?

mathanxiety Sat 19-Sep-09 22:10:11

Aggressive and violent sounds like someone who is not relationship material, whether he has cheated or not.

mrsboogie Sat 19-Sep-09 22:18:15

a) because he is guilty as hell
b) because he is a jeb-end of the highest order

you need to bin him off- you can't trust him and he can't control himself.

aRLcat Sat 19-Sep-09 22:20:24

Agree with Max, in any context those behaviours are unnaceptable!

FWIW, I'd say guilty conscience but then, I don't know him.

What are your instincts telling you?

MsHighwater Sat 19-Sep-09 22:43:57

Being wrongly accused would be a reason for getting angry (which is to say, it would be understandable) tho not for getting violent. What actually happened?

2rebecca Sat 19-Sep-09 22:55:21

Agree with mathanxiety.
It's irrelevent whether he's been unfaithful, what are you doing with a violent guy?

aRLcat Sat 19-Sep-09 22:57:29

Obviously meant Math, apologies smile

SolidGoldBrass Sun 20-Sep-09 01:42:40

The reason he got violent is because he's an arsehole who thinks that he matters more than you. Where he might be sticking his dick is not important: get rid of him because he thinks he's entitled to be aggressive towards you.

BitOfFun Sun 20-Sep-09 01:50:40


The two worst things in by book would be violence/aggressiveness and shagging around behind your back.

You only need one to bin em, imo...

DogAgain Sun 20-Sep-09 01:53:37

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy Sun 20-Sep-09 02:01:19

you are his wife,what is your hunch?why ask the question?

irrespective of what strangers on mn speculate what does your instinct tell you?

startingovernow Sun 20-Sep-09 15:30:57

Thanks for all of the replies. I am very confused & have no idea what is really going on. He seems to be after having some sort of mental breakdown, he's very unstable & I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. He needs urgent phyciatric help but is in complete denial.

GypsyMoth Sun 20-Sep-09 16:03:35

i had a terrible time with my ex,who eventually did have the breakdown. its not pretty,and not nice stuck in the middle and copping the flak...

how are things now? whats he been doing/saying?

countingto10 Sun 20-Sep-09 16:13:05

He could be having an affair and a breakdown - my DH did.

The affair was a symptom of the breakdown if that makes sense - it was his "rock bottom".

Not a lot I can say but I wish you every luck and hope things improve quickly.

macdoodle Sun 20-Sep-09 18:30:31

Hmmm a handy excuse - my XH had a "breakdown" too what he meant was he couldnt cope with guilt/being caught out/being chucked out/losing his family/his nice house etc etc - and yes of course then I was supposed to feel sorry for him!

How on earth is having an affair because of a breakdown - sorry dont believe it for a minute!

Sorry OP - a violent aggressive reaction is a marker of guilt in my book!

AnyFucker Sun 20-Sep-09 20:47:36

guilty m'lud

of infidelity or violence

either/or is a binning offence in my book

2rebecca Sun 20-Sep-09 22:01:29

There's no such illness as a "breakdown" usually people who use the term were either depressed or anxious. Neither anxious or depressed people are prone to have affairs. Depression usually lowers your libido, an anxious person would find the whole idea of an affair way too stressful. Sounds like DH didn't like being found out and found melodrama easier than apologising.

lavenderkate Sun 20-Sep-09 22:06:41

Tbh I am amazed that some people can tell you to bin him so quickly.
Things are never so straight forward you lot!

Startingover, what happened?

AnyFucker Sun 20-Sep-09 22:08:46

so violence is ok, lavendarkate ??

and Op should wait around for more of the same ?????

violence is never ok

lavenderkate Sun 20-Sep-09 22:26:12

Not what I said.

Ithink that we have to be very careful telling people to 'bin' their life partners after a sentence.

It might be more constructive to listen more and offer more constructive advice.

Would you not agree?

AnyFucker Sun 20-Sep-09 22:27:53


unavailable Sun 20-Sep-09 22:37:50

Well, I agree Lavender...
OP - Was he violent to you? What do you mean by a "violent reaction"? The consensus on here seems to be that he hit you. Until you expand on your first post its difficult to have a view.

aRLcat Mon 21-Sep-09 08:46:40

My X had an affair and 'breakdown' in conjunction too, funnily enough, to the extent he was very nearly sectioned by his mother. My preference was dissection but neither step was taken!

There seems to be a pattern forming?

He was aggressive when found out as well.

Re. your OP, Startingover: "I'm just wondering was his reaction because he was angry over being caught or angry over being accused in the wrong?"

Both! He will be angry over being caught and being accused in the wrong because it wont be his fault (to his mind).

Don't be drawn into his confusion or agressive exchanges! It will be in part genuine, in part an attempt to throw you.

2rebecca, there is such a thing (illness) as a breakdown, it's dangerous to say otherwise! It is otherwise known as a 'crisis' and is the point at which suicide becomes a higher likely outcome. Even if he has had/is having an affair and this state is the fall out of that it doesn't actually make it any less valid.

If you are genuinely concerned about his mental health startingover, call your local community mental health team for advice, they should have an on call social worker available.

Aside from anything you will soon receive confirmation of wether he is bluffing in any sense, or not.

MsHighwater Mon 21-Sep-09 21:57:38

Just where do some of you get off making the assumptions that you have to have made to give the advice you are giving?

At the moment, I neither know whether the OP's dh actually had an affair nor whether what he did was actually physically violent. She has said he was aggressive and violent but has not yet replied to two posts asking what actually happened. Until she does I am reserving judgement on what happened and on what I think would be a sensible course of action.

macdoodle Mon 21-Sep-09 22:01:04

Touchy MsH?? Why so...defensive??
We have made suggestions/comments/advice based on the OP - that is why she posted and all we have to go on!
If no one posted because they didnt know anything...well.....then no one would post...and there wouldnt be much point to MN at all hmm

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