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Dc met OW and really like her

(45 Posts)
whatdoyouallthink Mon 24-Aug-09 07:06:17

Thats it really. H decided at last minute yesterday to introduce her to the two eldest dc(aged 8 and 4). I was fine with it all day but when they came home wasnt prepared to hear them talk about her so much and in such a positive way. They was 'ow this, ow that, ow is lots of fun, ow played this with us, ow is really nice.' They was bought home much later then normal contact weekends as they was having 'too much fun' and didnt want to leave. Felt very strange and weird for me despite having moved on with someone else now myself.

Does it ever get easier to hear your dc talk about ow/om? I feel like my feelings about how much they liked her are unreasonable but as they was talking about her my stomach was in knots. Managed a very weak 'thats nice Im glad you liked her and had so much fun' but felt like such a fraud.

HappyWoman Mon 24-Aug-09 07:47:41

I know you shouldnt bring your children into it - but one day hopefully you will be able to tell them what she has done.
This happened to a friend of mine and after a few weeks she did tell the dc that it was because of ow that their father was no longer with them. She felt bad about it but felt she had held her tounge long enough.
For a while one of the children did not want to see her again - This led to the ow losing a bit and saying some unkind things about the mum (which of course was not what the dc wanted to hear).

This ow will want to be liked and will do everything to make the dc like them.

I think you would be reasonable to say that you dont like her and ask the children not to talk about her in the house. She would not want to hear from them all the time what a wonderful mother you are.

It is still a bit of mind games - the ow still wants to 'beat' you.

Really feel for you though and hopefully you will not feel so unsettled.

LoveBeingAMummy Mon 24-Aug-09 07:54:10

Of course there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling but you have handled it perfectly.

At no point should the children be put in the middle or even know about whats going/gone on. They are 8 and 4 FFS.

Whilst you may hate her guts (sorry don't know your story, but and sure t is justified) surely when they are with their father you want them to ahve a good time, you want them to be happy. in the long run, if she really is such a bitch it will come out, and it will be their decision.

No matter what she and your ex have done, maybe they actaully want the children to be happy too at this difficult time of introducing ow?

diddl Mon 24-Aug-09 07:58:16

But surely you´d rather they like her & have fun than notwhen with her & their Dad?
Let them talk about what they did when they first get home, and if they means talking about her,OK.
Then that´s it.
Do your children talk to your hubby about your new man?
Is she the reason for the split?
If not, there shouldn´t be any resentment that you have both moved on.

They don´t love her-that´s reserved for you.

That sounds really tough. I know when my feckless X took my DD to the OW's house when they frist got together (and DD was about 18 months / 2 years) it made me physically sick - I didnt know it was happenning at the time, but DD once said Mummy (OW's name) and I literaly through up. Turns out the twunts had told DD to call her Mummy ....

ANy hoo, needed to rant there - I really feel for you, but who cares hey? there is a reason, that you two are not together, you dont love him any more, you are with some one....just try to relax and let it go - you are those DC's mummy,

I think you handled it perfectly as well and you should continue to use MN to vent whilst holding your tongue in real life.

You are not a fraud you are doing your best to make sure your DC stay happy and secure, telling your children that she is the reason their father doesn't live with you anymore might make YOU feel better but I dont believe it would do any good to your children.

whatdoyouallthink Mon 24-Aug-09 08:49:06

I guess it was more of a vent really anyway.

She is the reason for the split, brief details: H was seeing her the whole of 3rd pregnancy leaving just after xmas and before nye when dc3 was 6 weeks old. Cue few months of him wanting to work things out with me finding out more then once that he was still seeing her. Eldest dc knows who she is as we bumped into them together once. Dc havent met new man yet so they dont talk to H about him.

Of course when with their dad I want them to have fun and enjoy the time there. I know that in time it will get easier but it was the 1st time they have met her and it was strange to hear them talk about her as much as they did.

My H can play games and upto last week he didnt want her anywhere near the dc so was bit surprised to get a text yesterday saying they would be meeting her.

LoveBeingAMummy Mon 24-Aug-09 09:46:22

Its especially hard if you are being very careful about when to introduce and yet he seems to ahve jumoed in when not certain.

You need to be careful about blaming her for it all though, he was the one wiht the vows to you.

diddl Mon 24-Aug-09 09:49:38

I can´t imagine how hard it must be.
You don´t ever have to like them seeing her, or like her.
But I supose for your childrens sake you have to try not to be too negative.

whatdoyouallthink Mon 24-Aug-09 10:23:49

He does seem to have jumped in and even when I rang to arrange a drop of time with him he said he didnt actually want her talking to the dc which seemed a bit strange to me! She did talk to them eventually but was a strange thing for him to say when he is the one who wants her to meet them.

The dc have coped with it really well so I am glad for that and its done now. I am sure it would be worse if they hated her or had a dreadful time with them both. Im not sure why I was so surprised they liked her as much as they did, she is only 10yrs older then eldest dc and much closer in age to him then H! grin

LBAM, I probally didnt put it across that well but I dont blame her for everything and know it was him to blame being the one that was married. She was the free and single party.

OrmIrian Mon 24-Aug-09 10:29:07

Well done for reacting like that. It must be so hard. But you are doing it for the sake of your DC, not your ex or his gf. Do you think it will get easier over time?

NanaNina Mon 24-Aug-09 11:38:51

Hi Wdyallthink- I think you are being incredibly generous spirited and WELL DONE INDEED for reacting how you did with your children. Have never been in this situation but can well imagine how you must feel - I have often thought that this must be one of the most difficult things a mother has to cope with. I know your ex has to cope with the fact that the children have a step father, but you're the mother, and it's different I think.

Please don't take the advice of Happy Woman - with views like this it is small wonder so many children are made miserable and insecure by being torn between the parents, having mixed loyalties and potentially a lifetime of confusion.

You just mention in passing your H can "play games" not sure what you mean . Is this a problem. But back to the OW - it sounds like she went over the top on the kid's first visit rather than standing back a little and testing the water. This may not last and you will need to monitor the situation and be able to talk with your children, whatever they are feeling aboutthe OW and it may not always be so positive.

You are an inspiration in how to put the children's needs before your own. Keep it up and vent if you need to away from them (by the way don't think you shouldn't need to do this - you may well)and you will be giving your children the best chance of beinghappy and secure with both of their birth parents and how brilliant is that!

SolidGoldBrass Mon 24-Aug-09 12:34:10

HappyWOman: that's lousy advice. It;s far better that the children should like the OW and feel safe and happy with her, and that she should like them. The OP has a new partner with whom she is happy, spiteful shitstirring such as you recommend will benefit no-one and is an example of the monogamist mindset that is so utterly damaging.
OP well done. You handled it with dignity, though it's understandable that you feel a bit wobbly - in years to come you might well become friendly with the OW yourself if she becomes step-parent to your DC, she's another person in their lives to love them and that can only be good.

thesilverlining Mon 24-Aug-09 13:42:32

inspirational - well done. My H just introduced the OW to my DCs and I did not react in the calm sensible manner you did sadly so well done you. Mind you he didn't tell me it had happened - I found out from my 6 year old. I was livid and belted on about betrayal to both him and his mum and sister blush(they are close friends of mine and they thought I knew they'd met - I thought they were all conspiring against me - how pathetic...)

I hope I can get past the hurt and stabbing pain I get every time I think of him with her, the DCs with her or everyone seeming to have such a great time without me. Thanks for coming on and venting - its nice to know I'm not abnormal in feeling that way and thanks also for showing us how it should be handled! rather than my now embarrassing way...

mampam Mon 24-Aug-09 14:20:37

I know exactly how you feel and it bloody hurts like hell and probably never gets better. I'm nearly 5 years down the line and I still hate it (but I never let it show for my DC's sakes). It probably doesn't help matters that OW now ex's wife is a very manipulative vindictive kind of person (but that's a different story!!).

What I keep in mind and this really helps is that my DC's like her and are happy to go and see their dad. If they didn't like her imagine what it would feel like having to make DC's go somewhere that they didn't want to?

I'd much rather watch them walk out the door happily than to push them out feeling miserable.

As for telling them about OW, kids aren't stupid they can work those kinds of things out for themselves.

Just hold your head up high and when DC's are old enough they will respect you much more knowing that you handled this situation with so much dignity.

PitysSake Mon 24-Aug-09 16:46:00

god that is tough but you have to think LONG term - if she is nice it will make all of your lives so much better in the future.
think of her like a SIL and one you can sue as a babysitter when you go on a glam city break with your new guy

liking her will be easier and make you much happier than beocming bitter and resent ful

reallly!

llareggub Mon 24-Aug-09 16:56:15

Oh it is a tough one.

I am in my 30s and my father left my mother after 30 odd years of marriage and moved in with someone else.

Of course by this time I was married and living in another city. I decided that I wanted to maintain a relationship with both my parents and met his girlfriend fairly early on.

My mother has never forgiven me for this and brings it up frequently. It has destroyed our relationship as she feels I should not have any sort of relationship with my father's second wife.

It is very hard to be caught in the middle of all this and it has led to much heartache. Now when we visit my home city we find that we need to spend equal amounts of time with both parents lest we incur the wrath of my mother.

I like my new step-mother; she is lovely. I also love my parents, despite the trouble we have. My advice to you is to try and avoid making your children feel guilty about their relationship with their father and his girlfriend. I know it will be hard and it will hurt you but it isn't fair to make them choose.

As someone else said, mumsnet is the place to vent!

Mutt Mon 24-Aug-09 17:05:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PitysSake Mon 24-Aug-09 17:06:40

yes i bet its SO SO SO hard to do the "right thing"

id want to kill her of course

MorrisZapp Mon 24-Aug-09 21:21:56

Just to echo what others said about HappyWomans terrible advice. I can only imagine that children who get told 'OW is why daddy left' end up needing counselling. What rank misogyny too, blaming her for a man's actions.

Of course it's hard but you cannot let your own feelings get in the way of your kids security and happiness. You did exactly the right thing in saying you were pleased even thought you felt terrible inside.

FWIW my mum left my dad for another man, and I now have two dads as far as I'm concerned. They are both wonderful, and I love my dad's second wife very dearly too.

When the initial hurt has healed your kids might benefit like I have from having 4 great parents instead of 2, and think how much easier it will be to make arrangements, holidays, childcare etc when there's another responsible couple willing and able to take your DCs.

skidoodle Mon 24-Aug-09 21:42:36

OW is why daddy left.

I don't think it is reasonable to expect women who have been shat on by their husbands and ow to repress those feelings forever.

That man did a very, very bad thing to his children. Far worse than telling them the truth about it would be. If they need counselling it will be because their father abandoned them while they were tiny. The misogyny here is in making out that if the wronged woman doesn't pretend to her children that their father is a stand up guy that she us to blame for the hurt he has caused.

If either of my parents ever shacks up with someone else thereis no way I will be rushing around to make friends with the person in the middle of the split. How unbelievably disloyal.

God I can't stand self-serving fence sitters who think it us mature to leave the injured party alone to deal with their hurt.

MorrisZapp Mon 24-Aug-09 21:55:12

You think it is helpful to children to hear how hurt their parents are? Sorry but that's just not fair.

Shit happens. Most relationships will break down at some point, and many of those relationships will involve kids. Adults have to rise above their own hurt, and do the best they can for their kids.

Absent parents can still be great, involved parents. Why tell kids that daddy did a bad thing? How are they meant to feel about one of the people they love most in the world hurting the other person they love most? Who would want to put that on a child?

My mum left my dad. Maybe oyu think that makes her a shitty person who should be 'outed' as evil or something. But my mum loves us as passionately as you love your kids, always has. She just fell in love with a different man fgs. It's emotionally messy and it was hard at the time but it isn't a crime for god's sake. It happens. OP has met somebody new, her life will move on. But her kids might never forget her saying that their daddy was bad.

Kids close ranks anyway - if anybody says their mum or dad is bad then they will leap to their defence. A bit like I have on this thread.

And yes it is misogynist to blame a woman for a man's decision to leave his kids. That judgement does doesn't exist when you reverse the genders.

llareggub Mon 24-Aug-09 22:09:12

Skidoodle, I don't know whether your comment about making friends with the OW was aimed at me? I disagree that I was being disloyal.

I met her because my father was living with her. I could think of no other way to maintain a relationship with my father. To refuse to meet with her and my father would place me very firmly in a position of taking sides. I did not wish to take sides at all. I did not meet her to make friends; I met her to meet her, to meet the person who my father loved. Over the years we have become friends, they are now married and everyone has moved on. It is very difficult to be the child of divorced parents. As an adult I found it difficult to manage and I suspect it is not something that necessarily easier to deal with as time progresses.

piscesmoon Mon 24-Aug-09 22:26:22

You are doing the right thing-however hurt and upset you are it is important that your DCs come first. Keep all views to yourself- they don't want or need divided loyalties or to know the hurt suffered. It simply isn't fair to poison their minds about a parent-even if you think he deserves it. You are the adult-you have to deal with it-however hard -for the sake of the DCs.Good luck (it doesn't mean that I don't feel for you).

whatdoyouallthink Tue 25-Aug-09 07:43:56

Thanks for all your posts. I do think and hope that in time it will get easier. I have no intention of bad mouthing their father to them over what he has done. In time IF he stays with the OW I am sure they will be able to work it out for themselves what happened just by knowing how long they have been together and the age of dc3.

It was gut wrenching to hear them talk so positively but know that when the time is right for them to meet my new man it will probally be on the other foot.

When I said he can play games it seems to me that he rushed into a decision for them to meet her when I have had all kinds of conditions put on dc meeting new man by H. Which I will probally just ignore now anyway but thought it was because he wanted to go about it the right way. As it was meeting the OW was sprung on the dc last minute Sunday morning.

I am actually from divorced parents too and was introduced to a whole string of my dads girlfriends from when I was 4 years old and I never liked one of them or ever wanted to go to my dads. So it is much better they like her I know that.

I do worry that she will soon get fed up of the dc its very easy to give them lots of attention in one day but seeing them everyother weekned and spending time with the three of them altogether (which hasnt happened yet) is probally going to be hard for her as she is only just 19. Three children are not all fun and games tears and tantrums soon turn up when they are comfortable with people and thats when I worry about how she will manage with them.

I dont think I will ever be friends with the OW too much crap went on at the time of the break up which involved her stirring between H and myself. I hope that in time we may be able to be amicable.

Thanks again for all your advice and support and I will use mumsnet for venting again in future thats for sure!

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