I don't know what I want really. I feel like there are two sides of me, one that is happy with her lot and wants a happy family, couple of kids, easy relaxed life with dh.
BUT, occasionally I have this real feeling of 'I'm in the wrong life'. It's like I feel like I wish i'd never even started seeing dh and never gotten married, had ds1 etc. It makes me sad to think like this but sometimes I almost feel as if it's my 'true' voice coming out. I can't say I regret having ds, I love him so much and can't imagine him not being here but I kind of regret the chain of events that led to my life being as it is now...
I have been with dh 6 years, married 4 years, ds is 21 months...
I kind of feel like I've caused this whole situation myself by not being a stronger person in the early days adnd just ending the relationship when I had my doubts.
Dh isn't a bad person, in fact he couldn't do more for me, in some ways i feel we're perfectly suited. The main issues that come up are that he's a worrier, worries about money a lot, worries about insignificant things that I would not give a second thought to for eg: If he can't get the grass cut cause it's been raining then he'll get all grumpy and annoyed till he gets it done. That leads me on to his grumpyness, quite frequent although i'm not perfect myself. The main issue i've had over the years are his anger outbursts, he is absolutely impossible to get through to or to calm down in an argument. I have been on the verge of splitting with him due to this several times and told him so. He always appologises when he calms down and says he knows he has a problem and will get help but hasn't really got any help ever. He promised to see the gp about it on two occasions recently and I felt very let down when he just didn't bother. He then said he would get a book on anger management and read it first to see if that would help (when I brought the fact he hadn't seen the doc up). He ordered the book and to be fair we have been busy lately but he hasn't touched it as yet, I just feel as if he doesn't see it as an issue...
I ave had depression after the birth of ds and I suspect have had it on and off before then. Due to this when I am feeling down it is all I can do to look after ds never mind get the housework done. He complains when it is like this and I try to explain that I just don't have the motivation but he just thinks i'm being lazy.
We had an argument today as I am pg and suffering from morning sicnkess and fil was going to come round and do some diy with dh. I said I would like a rest as felt tired and sick and he got all grumpy about it saying we might as well cancel sil coming as there wasn't enough time for me to have a proper rest before he came. He was saying 'this is just cause you didn't want him to come round in the first place'. I said no, not really I just feel awful and want a rest, how about I have a rest for 20 mins till he gets here then i'll get up again, he was like 'no, there's no point i'll just have to cancel him coming'. Anyway we had a row and he started saying that even before I has ms I hardly did any jobs around the house and he works all day and does 95% of the housework???!! This isn't true, I would say it's 50/50 sometimes 60/40 one way or the other but I do my fair share and he made me feel shit saying I don't... I was saying 'I need extra help at the mo cause I feel sick' then he said 'when don't you feel sick', I then called him a pig as I felt it insensitive to say that when I am carrying his baby and have ms . We argued some more, I told him I was sick of him and he makes my life a misery, he said so do I, I said I don't want to be with him then and wish we never got together . He asked my we made a baby then, I sadi I don't know and went off upstairs crying.
Whilst upstairs I grieved for the old me, the happy me, what happened? I have no friends here (moved to dh's home town), I have no hobbies, I feel so bored being a sahm but all the jobs here are rubbish and don't want to leave my ds either...
He's now taken ds out to give me a break from them for a while so I can rest. I can't brek away from this life, not even sure if I want to or it's a case of the grass is greener. My family all live hours away. Even if we split there's still ds and the one on the way to share between us, I can't imagine living alone and coping, I bearly cope now.
I don't know what I want tbh, just wanted to write all this down. I feel bad cause in a way, although this baby was planned I kinda feel more trapped by it right now.
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Relationships
Do you ever feel trapped in the wrong life???
DontKnowWhatIWant · 26/07/2009 17:14
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