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So apparently dd has a new sister...

(29 Posts)
cupofteaplease Sun 19-Jul-09 09:00:25

dd1's bio dad is a complete flake. He left me when I told him I was pregnant, picked up a new gf and got her pregnant when dd was 10 days old, so dd has a half sister who is 9 months younger than her.

Ex didn't really want anything to do with dd for a long while, then when I married my dh, he came back on the scene. I thought things were getting better, he'd started to see dd on a Saturday, she'd even begun staying the night and forming a good relationship with her sister.

Then we found out from an old friend that the new gf was pregnant again. We sent our congratulations etc. Overnight visits had to stop as the gf said she was too tired to have dd staying over while she was pregnant.

We haven't heard from ex for over 3 weeks now. He just hasn't bothered to contact me about dd's Saturday visits at all. Something clicked in me, so I decided to search his and the gf's names on Facebook (stalker moment blush) and sure enough, their profile pictures are of a newborn baby girl.

So, dd has another sister, but what am I meant to say to her? I don't know when she was born or what her name is. I've no idea when ex is going to get back in contact to see dd1 again- it seems he's got another dd and forgotten about dd1 for now. He did the exact same thing when his last child was born. It makes me sad and angry

cupofteaplease Sun 19-Jul-09 09:02:00

Oh and sorry if this shouldn't be in Relationships, I didn't really know where else to post. I have a feeling dd will be posting on here in a few years time about her relationship with her bio dad though! sad

cupofteaplease Sun 19-Jul-09 10:15:55

No advice at all from anyone?

Perhaps I am over thinking this and it's none of my business. I'm sure he'll come back eventually. This is just bringing back bad memories of last time he had a new child and disappeared off the radar.

SlartyBartFast Sun 19-Jul-09 10:18:22

i'm sorry for the lack of replies.

can you be in touch with her dad?

i think it is a good idea not to tell her herself as you are worried he won't be in touch, and you only know cos you checked it in facebook. however you all knew she was pregnant.

Doha Sun 19-Jul-09 10:28:09

How old is your DD

Does she mention her dad at all?

What is your relationship like with him just now?

cupofteaplease Sun 19-Jul-09 10:31:02

She is 4.
She mentions her sister a lot, and only yesterday was telling my mum that she is going to have a new baby soon, so she is aware.
I am only in contactt with ex via text, haven't spoken face to face in about 18 months. dh does the handover.

SlartyBartFast Sun 19-Jul-09 10:34:09

so can you text a meet up date.
three week old babies take up a lot of time don't they though.

Mamazon Sun 19-Jul-09 10:35:04

what a total wanker to do this to your DD. and quite frankly she is just as spitefull.

I can understand that towards the end myabe they didnt' want the extra worry of having your dd overnight in case labour started but not for the entire pregnancy.

I can understand that things will have been busey now that the new baby is born but surely one of the very first people you want to tell are your other children?

i think i'd ring him and give him a piece of my mind.

How old is DD? i think if i thought she would be old enough to understand i'd show her the facebook and explain that maybe thats why daddy has been a bit pre occupied.
poor girl sad

cupofteaplease Sun 19-Jul-09 10:40:32

Thanks for the replies.

Mamazon- I won't tell dd, because it's not my place to. Also I can't answer questions, like what is her name? I'd love to ring him, but I'd probably make a fool of myself.

Slarty- yes they do take up a lot of time, I remember coping on my own with dd1 because ex had buggered off and left me to it!! But I figure if they have both found time to update their Facebook profile pictures, surely they had time to send a text.

I feel sad for dd and cross woth myself for ever having anything to do with the selfish bastard!

MartinBlankWasMyFirstLove Sun 19-Jul-09 10:48:37

I would ignore it, text him and say congratualations! dd would love to come and see her new baby sister, and she has a present for her, can we arrange a time.

just ignore ignore ignore.

Mamazon Sun 19-Jul-09 10:52:16

i don't think you'd be doing Dd any favours by ignoring it tbh.
he needs to know that this will have been devesatating for her and that he has to be consistent. its one thing to adjust contact due to the new arrival but to blank her for weeks is just not on.

MartinBlankWasMyFirstLove Sun 19-Jul-09 11:01:34

I suppose it's if you think, long term, by letting him know in no uncertain terms that it was out of order, you'll change his behaviour in the future, then it's worth doing that.

But, it doesn't sound like he will change, or he wouldn't have done this in the first place. Your dd will probably not realise right now that this is odd behaviour, and just be happy to see her sister. I would have thought all you can do is manage his thoughtless behaviour as much as poss so it has the least impact on your dd?

Hard tho!

cornsillk Sun 19-Jul-09 11:02:54

Poor dd - that's awful of him.

Doha Sun 19-Jul-09 11:18:31

Very difficult.

Could you perhaps text your xp saying that your DD is asking when he is going to introduce her to her new sister. You could mention FBas your source of kowledge.

If you don't get a reply l would be wary of re establishing contact between your DD and him again as he certainly doesn't come across as being reliable To drop contact with his DD1 like that is shocking and unforgivable angry.

My worry is that we will drop of the radar again at some point in the future when your DD is older and will affect her even more.

poshsinglemum Sun 19-Jul-09 12:02:16

How shitt. His misses really does ahve him by the balls dosn't she and he is totally spineless to put up with it.
I'd ignore, dd will suss him out when she's older.

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 19-Jul-09 16:15:31

Message withdrawn

prettyfly1 Sun 19-Jul-09 19:25:40

oh how awful for your dd. What on earth is the matter with the pair of them. I can understand finding an extra child tough when pg but not to alienate her like that. I think you need to tell her very gently but I would also contact them both with something quite strong. In all honesty I would write on their walls so everyone else could see but I am mean.

prettyfly1 Sun 19-Jul-09 19:31:42

oh and on their weak ass excuse, I am twenty weeks pg, working full time and unable to go anywhere thanks to severe spd that has me totally immobilised. I still have dss 50 percent of the time though. That will stop for a week when the new baby comes but he will still be one of the first people coming to see the baby at the hospital. I would never ever hurt a child like that and your dds stepmother has a lot to answer for as well. Lazy selfish toerags.

HerHonesty Sun 19-Jul-09 19:34:57

do you know any other members of his family?

macdoodle Mon 20-Jul-09 00:39:09

but pretty we know you are lovely <<mac gushes as not quite sure how she missed this news congrats grin>>

cupofteaplease Mon 20-Jul-09 08:41:14

Thanks so much for all the helpful replies- I was beginning to feel like I was blowing this out of proportion, but seemingly I am not, which is good!

They have moved during the pregnancy and I don't have their new address, so can't just pop by or nonchalently send a card etc.

HerHonesty- yes, I know where his mother and father live, but we aren't in any kind of contact.

I wonder how long to leave it before doing anything, or whether I shouldn't do anything at all?

OracleInaCoracle Mon 20-Jul-09 08:50:10

i agree that a text is the way to go, ask when dd can see her baby sister because she is very excited.

cupofteaplease Mon 20-Jul-09 08:58:55

The problem is lissielou that I haven't been told that the baby's been born, so they would wonder how I'd found out. Also, I don't really want to go 'begging' to them, asking them to please let dd go and visit. I feel as her father, he should WANT her to visit her baby sister, without me initiating it.

But thanks for the suggestion, any idea is a good idea at the moment!

GrapefruitMoon Mon 20-Jul-09 09:04:54

Why don't you text him, "Has the baby has arrived yet and if she has congrats. DD is very excited and would love to hear about her new sister when you get a chance"

OracleInaCoracle Mon 20-Jul-09 09:05:44

can you not just say haughtily (if asked) "thats not the issue, your dd has a sister. dd is your child just as much as the new one. and she should be told by her father when a new baby arrives. it will be much harder to tell her in 6m time"

i do feel for you. my parents split up before i was born and i didnt meet my dad til i was 16, in that time he had 4 more children, in fact i used to play with my little sister without knowing who she was. ive never forgiven either of them.

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