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How do you sort out your marriage when you are miserable with everything

(34 Posts)
thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 10:58:17

I dont even know where to start, could really do with siome advise.
DH is lovely, he is kind and caring and helpful. I am not happy and I dont really know why. we have talked aout it again and again but nothing changes, I think it is my fault not dh's. everywhere I look people are having fun I have fun, dh has fun, just never together.
Earlier in the year dh suffered with depression, he wouldnt get any help, he lodt his job. in the last few weeks he has started a new job and is really happy. I have also returned to work after 5.5yrs off.
I have been spending a lot of time with my single friends both withj and without dc and having a great time. I dont want to comne home at night.
This week I have been thining a lot about leaving dh, but I dont really know why, he hasnt done anything wrong, i am just bnored, I want to do stuff and have fun, dh is happy to plod along and be content.
Dh is away this weekend and I have decided to use the time to wiork out what I want.
If I did leave him I would lose everything, I couldnt afford our house, he wouldnt give me the dc without a fight. I dont want to lose everything but I dont weant to live the rest of my life just ok, ~I want to be happy. I can see that if I did leave dh I w9ould be far from happy, but if I stay I am not sure it is for the right reasons.
I dont want to ruin the kids lives because I am selfish.
I am a mess and I hae no idea what to do, do I brush it under the carpet and carry on, or do something that would have such enormous fall out.
I came of ad's about a month ago and am wondering if they have just been masking all this.
Last year my mum tried to cmmit suicide because she could see no other way out of her miserable life, I dont want to end up liike that, but i dont want to give her all the stress that anything I did would cause.
I thinnk I am just being selfish and having a midlife crisis or something.
Please give me your take on things.

rubyslippers Fri 17-Jul-09 11:01:04

this is so trite, but you can't be happy with someone else until you are happy within yourself

you aren't happy

you have been/still are depressed? Have you had counselling as well as ADs ... the attempted suicide of your mum sounds very upsetting

does your husband know how you feel?

you cant and shouldn't push it under the carpet ... it will only come back to bite you on the bum

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 11:03:06

I dont think I am still depressed, I think the ad's were numbing me, I have always been a very emotional person and I like that, you dont get lifes highs without felling the lows.

Domokun Fri 17-Jul-09 11:14:23

I think you're probably right - you're being selfish and having a midlife crisis. But that's not intended as a criticism. Your mum died recently and was unhappy, you've just come off ADs, so you're very likely to be emotionally unsettled at the moment, and re-evaluating what you want from your life. I'd be very, very cautious about taking any drastic action at the moment; there doesn't appear to be any urgent need to get out of the relationship and your feelings may be driven by withdrawl from ADs and grief for your mother.

I'd advise you to think about what you want from your life that you don't currently have, and what it is about your life that you don't like but can change. Then talk about it with your husband. If you still love him, then you can use your disquiet to move together as a couple, and change your lives for the better together.

rubyslippers Fri 17-Jul-09 11:15:37

i think domokuns post is spot on

smackapacka Fri 17-Jul-09 11:20:39

I've had a marriage 'wobble' recently - and we're going to relate and talking through how things could change. I am finding it helpful already - just verbalising the feelings. I felt a bit 'dead' inside with no libido at all (am currently 20 weeks pregnant) and I honestly thought about splitting up. However, I think I'd want to know that whatever decision was made was well thought out, and all options were explored properly. Would some time alone help? What about counselling? Do you honestly think that you're up to making such a drastic decision after the trauma you're all recently experienced?

What about work/hobbies etc. Maybe more time together/apart might help evaluate things.

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 11:21:50

Sorry, my mum didnt die, she is fine now, she attempted suicide, and very neqarly managed. she is back exactly the same as she was before, nothing in her life changed, her cry for heklp was not answered and she returned to the exact life she wanted so badly to escape. luckily she phoned me just in time. at the time she said she either left my dad or killed herself, we all said so leave him, they are still together now.

BecauseImWorthIt Fri 17-Jul-09 11:22:46

Do you actually ever go out/anywhere/away with your DH? You are having fun with your friends because

a) you don't see them everyday
b) you're going out together

Living with the same person, day after day, is boring.

Can you make time for you both to go somewhere/do something that you both enjoy? Something that you may have done pre-children/settling down?

You won't have fun unless you create the space to have fun, IYSWIM

mustrunmore Fri 17-Jul-09 11:27:42

Sometimes I 6Know^ that I'm happier alone... we all are to an extent. But neither can we live our lives in total solitude. You need time out to sort out yourself your head who you are.

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 11:29:44

BIWI I know exactley what you are saying, we did, but I got fed up of organising everything, e never sorts anything out for us and I am fed up of making all the effort, I have n ow reached a point where I would rather go oiut with friends, we used to be inseperable.
I have axtually been looking forawrd to him going away all week, I used to dread it.

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 12:57:00

I want to spend the weekend working out the practical thingsm, so that I know if I do decide to stay it is not just because I am scared of stuff that really shouldnt be that important. At the mnoment I really do feel like leaving but I am also scared and I dont want to do the wrong thing as it cant ever be taken back. We are going on Holiday in a few weeks, that would be a good opportunity to see if things can get back to normal in my head I suppose.

SexyDomesticatedDad Fri 17-Jul-09 13:03:08

Recently seems to be several threads along the same lines - I'm bored and had / having / thinking about an affair, living with same person is dull etc etc.

I just don't see why people say living with the same person is boring - sure there are boring tasks at home that need to be done but you need to eat everyday - you would not choose the same meal everyday for your life so you make an effort and do different things.

Maybe men don't see the issues but women tend to think we should know whats wrong - you say DH is happy to plod along - maybe he doesn't realise? When you do arrange stuff is he happy about it and enjoys it? If not are you arranging things which he's not comfortable with?

Nothing wrong with going out with friends but then resenting coming home looking forward to your DH leaving isn't good.

The situtaion with your mum must be very difficult and I have no experience in this - does your DH give you support? Maybe he is concerned you will also be going down a similar path and it just scares him??

Can't say we have all the answers but we have been married / been going out for over 25 years shock - and still going strong (of course we have ups and downs) but finding things that you can do together is important and try not to let the little stuff get to you.

MiniMarmite Fri 17-Jul-09 13:07:18

From what you said it sounds like you've had a really hard time as a family recently and a lot of changes as well (such as going back to work).

It also sounds like you still feel for your DH and that there's nothing specific about him that you don't love anymore.

It must be great being able to go out with new friends and put all the family stuff behind you temporarily.

DH and I found Relate counselling really helped us. It took about a year but absolutely worth it.

Maybe you just need to take a step back and give yourselves the chance to start again. Hopefully together (but maybe apart).

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 13:21:42

Dh is happy to do stuff, he just needs me to organise it, i have had to organise childcare while I am wrking so he could go away this weekend, everytime I have ever organised a weekend away for me something goes wrong, god I really do sound like a spolit brat. Spending time with new and old friends has reminded me who Iam and I love being that person, that is the person he fell in love with, the reason i fell in love with him was that we had so much fun, did so much stuff. now we do nothing unless I organise it, it's like he has lost his passion for life and I dont want to just drudge along for the rest of our lives. i dont know how to get to get it back and tbh i am fed up of having to try so hard all the time.

ohbabygivemeonemorechance Fri 17-Jul-09 13:36:17

then ask him to arrange something once a month~a family thing and also an adult thing,like a meal in/out,people over[he cooks],cinema[he buys tickets],play etc

he has to do it for you without asking for help!

or,choose a new experience to do together every month~visit a different area,go on a hike[?!],camp overnight,

ok so my ideas are a bit c**p I've been married far too long lol but ykwim

sorry to hear about your mum~will she not consider leaving him now and if not,why not?

I wonder if you have a fear of ending up like her,as you can't really follow her role modelling you are getting a bit stuck?

SexyDomesticatedDad Fri 17-Jul-09 13:37:15

is he doing his own stuff then that he's happy doing and you feel that any we stuff is only being organised by you? What sort of stuff did you used to do? Is there any reason why you can't do that stuff again? Sounds like your dh is just getting his old mojo back after being out of a job for a while and recovering from depression - are you now expecting him to snap out of it? maybe you didn't address this before as you felt there were reasons he could not do what you wanted (his depression etc).

If the old stuff is now old hat (to him) then are there any new things you could be doing? Example DW and I went to very few music concerts when we were much yonger but in the last few years we have been to loads (luckily our eldest is capable of baby sitting for us, plus a couple of friends). Getting out on our bikes too in the evenings for the last few weeks has been great too (at least when weather was good).

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 13:47:57

I organise, film night, meals in, dress up evenings in, all sorts of romantic stuff if we are stuck in. If wwe go out I organise child care. I know he had depression and you dont5 juist snap out of it, I supported him totally but kept begging him to get help as the pressure was a lot for me to take on my own.
we have had so many serious conversations in the last few weeks that I feel like everything is strained and he is forcing himself to chat to me when I get in, because I said I was feed up of being ignored, I am fed up of being bottom of the pile. I dont mind being on my own, but I hate feeling lonely when someone else is here.

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 13:50:47

and all those ideas sound great, I wanted to get a tent but he said it would be too stressful camping, I want to get a real fire as I think it would be lovely to set a fire on a cold night, he said too hard work. He likes to go ot walking, but alone, he goes off without the rest of us. I like to go walking to but never get chance. both dc are car sick so everything is too stressful. I went out for the day with a friend and her dc on ~~Sun, dd1 was sick, no biggy, we had a great day, he would just say o someone will be sick better off staying here.

Lemonylemon Fri 17-Jul-09 13:58:34

He does sound like he's still depressed. Give him a chance to get back on an even keel.

And I have to say that you do sound a bit selfish, tbh - if you decide that you want to leave, just remember that the grass is not always greener and you would have to organise everything yourself then anyway.....

newgirl Fri 17-Jul-09 13:58:37

it sounds like relate would be great for you BOTH - it helped us a lot

we found it really practical - lots of helpful suggestions to try and they worked and showed us that we had developed some pretty dull habits

it sounds like you both need a boost, and relate may give you some ideas - its not critical or negative - we enjoyed our sessions! i was amazed at some of the things my dh said - it helped us both to open up

time together - trips/walks etc should be priority really for your wellbeing and happiness - it so often gets pushed to the side with family stuff

ohbabygivemeonemorechance Fri 17-Jul-09 14:27:48

you sound really lonelysad

Do you think he is so separate from you because he is depressed/no confidence/sad,because of the things you've said to him,or is that just how he is anyway?

It sounds as if he is basically not making the grade and you don't want to be with him,a mismatch.

To give it a chance,you would both have to try.

If you have told him you are basically not happy with him/don't love him,perhaps he has given up and doesn't know what to do?

SexyDomesticatedDad Fri 17-Jul-09 14:33:15

I don't think you are being selfish - you've been putting others first / making huge efforts and getting little back over what seems a long time. Does your DH realise / accepts how he is behaving? Have you put it directly to him - either shape up or get out? Maybe a short sharp shock of what he would loose? Seems like newgirl had some good experiences with Relate that you would both benefit from.

ohbabygivemeonemorechance Fri 17-Jul-09 14:35:13

you know,thinking about this I feel you don't want to be with him even if you are not sure why.

I[personally]don't really think that will go away.

And that wanting to be with someone is what gets you through the difficult times,the boring times,the he wants to have sex and I don't times...

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 17-Jul-09 16:36:44

I just want everything to get better. he is in London visiting asll our old haunts, I am hoping that will remind him of how we were. we have always been rock solid but this year has just left me feeling a bit numb tbh. I am just fed up of feeling like this, I think if ~I was going to end it I would have done by now, I just want to know how to make things right again.
There is no way on this earth he wuld go to relate, he wouldnt even see a doctor when he was really depressed. he thinks whenever we have a chat that everything is mended with a few words, an hour lateer he will comment that everythign is lovely again but it isnt and I really dont want to hurt his feelings so I never say anything.
I am on the verge of tears writing this and feel like I am betraying him poutting this on here to start with. I try not to talk to friends about this stuff as I dont think that is fair on them or him but I am sick of feeling lonely.

SexyDomesticatedDad Fri 17-Jul-09 17:21:25

So nothing gets resolved to your satisfaction then? Won't you just end up getting more frustrated with him and not getting progress made? If going to Relate is a step too far and involving a 3rd party then how about getting a book to work through? Do you need to write things down in black and white about how you feel? Will this get him to understand that you are feeling so lonely and unhappy? You both seem to have lots to loose and a joint and happy past which seems to be worth saving. Clearly he's not bad but a few changes in his behaviour would make you all happier. Tell him you wish you could have gone to London together, remind him of what you did / where you went / how you felt when you were there together. Can you then plan another weekend when the 2 of you go back down memory lane?

You do need to get this sorted or resentment will eat you up.

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