Sick n tired of being controlled, smothered and all the rest of it! just a rant lol!!

[SophieB1]

Hi just thought id have a rant on here to let off steam and have a normal adult converstaion instead of a convo with my self or my mates over txt!! ive been with my bf 7 yrs all together, we have a 2 n half yr old, i left him last yrm but came bk as we seemed to be gettin on really well, an incident happen as i moved bk with a bloke i was seeing, my and the bf wasnt together at this point but ever since that point in time things have gone down hill.. his sooooo controlling, always asking who am i txting, what am i saying, what are they saying and the same with facebook!! im due to be going out this wkend for a special occassion but finding a babysitter is proving difficult, the bf said last nite that if we carnt find a babysitter then his just going to drive off which means he drives off i carnt go out, selfish or what?! if i go round my best mates house we have a row before i go because he says he is sick of being stuck in doors by himself but we have just sent a whole 2 wks together on holiday!! he is driving me insane and his so good at twisting things round to be my fault so then whilst we are in the middle or a row i then have to think hang on am i in the wrong?!!

i know i should leave him and i am in the process so getting my own place but i am not going anywhere till i get my own place because i want all of mine and my sons stuff instead of just getting a few black sacks full of stuff n having to buy my son a bed all over again!!

ples be gentle with ur comments lol im really fragile at the mo xxxx

[cjones2979]

Have you actually tried to talk to your bf ?? It sounds like you are both feeling a bit low but don't seem to be opening up to each other, just taking it out on each other instead.

I can understand he feels a little insecure if you have left him before, and also started seeing someone else whilst you were separated, but by the same token, he needs to try to let this go or it will continue to eat him up and cause problems for you both.

Do you still love him ? Would you like to be able to work things out without it coming down to you having to leave him ? If so, how about putting your DC to bed early, and cooking your bf a nice romantic meal ? Sit him down & tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you love him & want to work things out but don't know how you can if he can't trust you.

If you don't want to stay together then I think you need to just bite your tongue and bide your time. Try not to argue for the sake of your LO.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Why the lol? Doesn't sound very funny to me

Sounds like you need to wait it out til you can move out, then be clear and firm about not getting back together. It's easy to 'get on well' when you are separated and especially when one is trying to win the other back with their best behaviour - but either you can change or you can't (you as a couple I mean) and if you don't feel you can, or want to, don't go back - it's not fair on him or DC.

[cjones2979]

Sorry Kat2907, are you referring to my post or SophieB1's ?

I'm assuming its not mine, cos I haven't put lol, I put LO (little one), just in case you thought I was laughing at the situation ?

Anyway SophieB1, please let us know how you get on, and please don't be

xx

[MsUndastood]

Whats with all the numbers?

[cjones2979]

What do you mean MsUndastood ?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Sick n tired of being controlled, smothered and all the rest of it! just a rant lol!!

Isn't that a lol?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Oh oops no I was referring to sophie's Op, not your reply.

[cheerfulvicky]

I think she meant the lol in the thread title, and Ms Understood probably meant all the numbers in peoples usernames. Number-free here!

OP, I'm really sorry he's being an idiot, it's horrible lobbing stuff at you in arguments that stops you in your tracks and makes you feel all confused and wrongfooted. Not a very nice or mature tactic, that one.
How soon will it be until you have your own place? You sound as though you have decided to leave him and are just killing time until you can Is that the case?
Try not to depend on him for anything so he can't let you down, and give him equal time to do his own thing so you know if he moans about you going out, you are BLAMELESS. As it's all fair and square.
If you are really looking forward to moving out, it can be nice just to do little bits of sorting out stuff for moving, organizing your things and having a discreet clear out so you are more prepared. preferably when the bf is out! (Not his stuff obviously... har har). It can feel more like you are in control as well, and are moving towards a time when you will feel less controlled/smothered.
Good luck! x

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Msunderstood there's no need to be sarky, sophie is asking for help and yes. she has used a bit of textspk, but it's perfectly legible.

[cheerfulvicky]

Doh, I x posted

[cjones2979]

Kat - not sure if MsUndastood is referring to Sophie's post or our usernames!

Are we not supposed to use numbers in our usernames then??!

[MsUndastood]

I was refering to your usernames, it's not that you are not supposed to, you just don't see numbers usernames around these parts alot

[cjones2979]

Oh ok. Sorry I am quite new to this site, and always use my name & DOB as my username for everything, so that I can never forget what my username is !! lol

[SophieB1]

thanx for ur comments... the lol is there coz this whole situation has tired me out and all i can do is just laugh about it, i carnt cry anymore!!

now im thinking is it thr right thing to do for our son, up root him again just as his about to start playschool.. but i carnt see myself marrying or having anymore children with the bf, i just carnt take the controlling anymore, when his home his always where i am, i could be upstairs putting washing away and he comes up, i could be in the loo and his either outside or in the bedroom, i could be in the kitchen doing dinner and his there!! i just duno what to do, my parents have said if i want to leave him then i have to get my own place so its not like i can go bk to theirs then find my own place!

[cheerfulvicky]

Have you thought about what you need to do in order to get your own place - would you be entitled to housing benefit? What't the housing like in your area, are there council places or v long lists? Here you can be waiting 5 - 10 years for a council property, it's mad.

You might find that at the moment, if you rent a place privately there is a LOT of choice for you, the tenant. This is because loads of people who would otherwise sell their house are renting it out instead, because the housing market is so crap that no-one wants to buy. So if you have a look around you might be surprised what you can get.
I take it he owns or rents the place you are currently in, so you have no claim on it?

You might want to have a look here:
lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/Secure/Default.aspx

and here: www.entitledto.co.uk/

[Kazzi79]

I think your decision to leave this man is the right one, he's already set up a pattern of controlling behaviour which in my experience won't get any better. What he is doing is emotional abuse, you may have to uproot your son but in the long term its gonna be better, it can't be good for your son to see his mummy unhappy and its no way to live. This type of relationship isnt a healthy relationship to be in. Sounds to me if he's already using his son as a way of controlling whether or not you can go out then he will stop at no lengths to keep that control, many women who suffer years of domestic violence will tell you this type of controlling behaviour was how their abuse started.....I know because I'm one of those women.

Good Luck xx

[SophieB1]

i have got housing forms and they are filled out, just have to do some finally bits for it and bits done, apparently the lady on the fone from the housing dept said its taking 3-4 wks to process forms!! i know he would never hit me but some of the rows we have are heated and what upsets me more is its not good for our son! i do want to sort my life out and i carnt do that being stuck with him, i do want to go bk to college, obviously i carnt do that until my son is in school, but the bf would hate me going to college only because theyll be males there and his said before 'i dont mind u chatting to males its just what they say to u' i think he thinks every single male i chat to is going to talk about sex with me lol!! that drives me up the wall!!

[SolidGoldBrass]

OK you have already decided that this man is a tosser and you want to get away from him (and you are absolutely right, controlling insecure people never improve.) So stop worrying about what he is saying and doing, don't engage in rows, just calmly get on with your plan-making and if he is being tiresome, just listen and let him (while saying silently to yourself ';wanker, wanker, wanker'.)

[SophieB1]

lol u sound like my best friend solid!! its hard to ignore him, ive tried many times before, and he'll just keep saying 'answer me then'! ok im going to go to my parents later, finish the forms off and send them away today, least then it gets the ball rolling!!

[Kazzi79]

Speak to womens aid and explain what you're going through, they might be able to have a word on your behalf with the housing people and help speed up the process.

I can't sit here and say whether or not he would hit you as I don't know him but you would be shocked at the lengths some men go to just to keep their partner under control. The things he's saying are the sort of thing my ex used to say to me "I trust you its other men I don't trust", more to the point emotional abuse leaves far more scars than physical abuse ever does.

You have the right to live your life as you see fit and you shouldnt have to fear doing this. Its unreasonable of him to expect you to never have contact with men, people come into contact with the opposite sex on a daily basis, doesnt mean were shagging them all!

The other reason I think you should contact womens aid is because when you leave you're at a higher risk of abuse, this is a time where he could start stalking and harrassing you (sorry I'm not saying this to try to scare you), if you have the support of womens aid they will help you with this. Womens Aid recognise emotional abuse is part of the domestic violence cycle, you don't have to have been physically assaulted by your partner to seek help from them.

[SophieB1]

thank u kazzi, ill give them a call later, i say i dont think he would ever hit me but i dont know that 100%, only because we squared up to eachother the other nite, our son wasnt there, so things have gota change and if it means me and my son going then so be it, our son is my main consern! i had to hide mine and my sons passport at a relatives the other week because last year when i left him he wouldnt let me have our sons passport, so i thought id best get them away from him! i feel terrible for doing this behind his back but i have to do it! im a strong minded person and im really confident but this is really taking its toll on me! right i am off out to finish these forms :D ill will msg on here later for an update lol!! thanx again ladies :D xxx

[Kazzi79]

womens aid

This is the womens aid website, there should be a number on their for your local branch, good luck xx

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

To be blunt: being willing to drive off if you can't get a babysitter, this "man" clearly doesn't care about you or your DS

Children can be very adaptable when as young as your DS. If you go before play school, you won't be uprooting him from anything and even if you do go once he's started, you'll both be a lot better off than staying. DS will be fine

[SolidGoldBrass]

You need to get away as soon as possible, he will escalate. Men who abuse their partners in this way (controlling because of sexual jealousy) are the most dangerous. They see women as objects/possessions not people. WOmen's Aid are great at helping women in this situation, do give them a ring. And remember, it;s OK not to 'love' an inadequate tosspot. DOn't feel guilty. He's unlovable (in the sense that no sensible person is going to devote the rest of her life to indulging his whims, servicing him and pandering to his unreasonable jealousy).