I have reached the end of my tether fed up of walking on egg shells being told to F off

[abigproblem]

I want out of this relationship. DH is very controlling and a bully. He refuses to do things with DC such as homework, swimming lessons, parties etc. He does nothing around the house and expects to be waited on hand and foot. I work 0.5wte he works full time so expect to do more but no put up with so much abuse. If I ask for help eg get drinks at the weekend when I have cooked a meal the answer is no if I refuse to do something i get mouthfuls of abuse. he refuses counselling well why would he want to go he migt have to change. We sleep in seperate rooms, he tries to ban my family from visting and says if i leave he will fight me for custody. i just want out. i love it when he is away no creeping round at the weekends whilst he has lie in etc. will he get custody I could not bear to loose my children but can't stand this for another 13 years till they are 18

[Overmydeadbody]

I hope you find the strength to leave.

There is no point in staying with a man like this.

There is no reason why you would not get custody is there? He will obviously have a right to have access to his children but you do not need to stay in this relationship.

[abigproblem]

Thank you for replying. He claims he will say I am violent he broke his wrist afew years and claims he will use it as evidence he has a responsible job I ams o scared he can be charming and convincing. he switches as soon as we ae alone Sorry for the typing tears keep getting in the way

[ljhooray]

Hi there, just wanted to say how sad I am for you and your situation. I would recommend getting some independant legal advice (and I; hoping very soon that other MN's will reply to this who know more about the best place to go for this advice).
Surely the best for you AND your children is a happy calm and respectful household, which sounds like that can only happen without him. I even wonder whether the custody thing is an empty threat considering he has so little to do with them (from what you've said in your post). Sounds like a method of control. Get yourself some good profesisonal advice and go with your instincts. Good luck and keep coming back if you need to talk.

[islandlassie]

My H is -- was, controling in the same way. He has walke out now, selfish b*stard, but i have to say, as hurt as i am, in a way i am almost relieved, there were many reasons why i never packed before (MANY!!!) but now he has gone they no longer seem important.

They have no evidence you broke his arm so he would get away with that Try and be strong!

x

[islandlassie]

*wouldnt not would sorry

[treedelivery]

Lots of people will be along shortly with sound advice. I am 100% sure saying someone broke your wrist a few years ago will not award him custody.

I think if thats all that is holding you there you can start planning a life with no egg shells.

[abigproblem]

Thanks ljhooray he would do it just to make me miserable I am sure. It is horrible to say but I just wish he was dead

[abigproblem]

No evidence at all it is not true for a start

[abigproblem]

An example I said to him for the sake of ou 4 and 6 yer lets try counselling he said No I don't want to. Go away

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Do you really think he'd truly want custody? it'd mean he'd have to do everything for his kids, and as he's a lazy bastard he'd hate that.

They won't take your kids off you, you are the primary carer, and he is in full time work. Just leave him, and don't look back.

[ljhooray]

I think its time to take control, the thing it sounds like you've been sorely lacking. An exit strategy based on some sound advice and clear steps you can take I think could go a long way to helping your confidence and lifting you from such a low point. You've made a great start coming here and although I can't guarantee any of us are experts here, at least exploring your feelings is a great place to start. Think some practical steps may help you focus on a future rather than trapped in teh present

[abigproblem]

I think that is so true I don't want to upset him so just do things I feel so worn down and unworthy. I think this weekend myself and the children will go and spend a night in alocal hotel and have fun to ahke him up a bit

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

He'll be difficult and continue to try controlling, but you can get shot of him, and it's unlikely he'd be awarded custody/residence. You can probably stay in the house with your DC, at least until they're out of full-time education, and I don't think anyone is going to pay any heed to a ludicrous claim that you broke his wrist.

Others will know a lot more - but I just wanted to take some of the pressure off.

[whoisasking]

Custody? I doubt it very much.

If the only thing holding you there is this fear then GET OUT NOW. Do you have RL support? Can you go and stop with your parents/friends (obviously you must take your children with you)?

Have a look women's aid

I think you were saying that you're the primary care giver? This goes a long way as far as the courts go.

Just trying to set your mind at rest. There'll be others along soon who can help you more than I.

(I, luckily, woke up one morning and said "ENOUGH" I'd literally had a gutsfull of his shit. I wasn't scared of him anymore. This advice is MY OWN EXPERIENCE, lots of people need lots of help and support, and I fully realise that DV can suddenly escalate)

[abigproblem]

My parents and sister woudl look after us they have had their doubts I knwo I think I will get things together andgo at the end of term

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Please get legal advice before going - I really do think you're entitled to the house (or at least your DC are entitled to their home) and it'll be less disruptive for your DC if daddy goes than if they have to move in with your family, and move on again, maybe having to change schools etc.

[abigproblem]

He claims it is his house. To b fair he earns more than I do is a higher tax payer and brought more financially in to our 7 year marriage. i don't want the house just the children

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

He can claim what he wants - the Law says it's your DC's home until they leave full-time education. And, afaik, he has to keep paying the mortgage. But please, please - get proper legal advice.

[abigproblem]

I will get legal advice you are right I need to reclaim my self respect and my life we only live once and my children only life once

[memoo]

Abigproblem, My exh told all kinds of lies to about me to try and prove i was an unfit mother.

He tried to use my depresion to show I was mentally unfit to look after the DC. He even phoned SS and reported me as an unfit mother.

His lies got him nowhere, and nobody will believe your DH's lies either

[memoo]

With regards to the house he doesn't have to pay the mortgage if you seperate. You can either buy him out of sell the house and split the profit.

[mrspnut]

Ring Women's aid tomorrow, they can give you advice on every aspect and I can guarantee they have heard stories like yours a hundred times before.

Many also run legal surgeries there every week where you can have an initial appointment for free with a solicitor that has experience in dealing with domestic abuse (and it is abuse that you and your children are enduring)

[abigproblem]

Thank you guys what worries me is when he has the children for access. I went to ashow last weekend first time he had had both of them on his own for a yeaar. he rang me 7 times and they hated me going

[Meglet]

a solicitor told me that for a mum to lose custody of the children she would have to be lying in the gutter with a bottle of meths. There is no need to worry if you have had problems in the past either, all that matters is how you are raising the children now. You would get custody.

[abigproblem]

Thank you for answering I know what I need to do just need to do it now