Things are feeling a little 'flat' at the minute, what can i do?

[alicecrail]

Dh and i have been together three and a half years, have been married since october and have an 18mo DD.

Generally we have a great relationship and have had some tough times to get through which seem to have made us stronger. I love him to bits!

The problem seems to be that lately things have got a little 'flat' I don't mean sexually, although that is not as much as it used to be (my fault) but just generally. Dh seems a bit distracted and we don't seem to have conversations about stuff, it's more a case of; this is what i did today, what did you do today? sort of thing.

I want to try to get things back on track before it goes too far iyswim?

So please, any ideas and critiscisms (apart from my spelling or grammer ) greatly appreciated, as it is really starting to get me down

[MuppetsMuggle]

Hey Alice,

Once DD has gone to bed, maybe have an hour where TV is turned off and you both can have a proper conversation, about whats going on with each of you.

(Yes I know I should do that too, from details on the slatterns thread,but to emotional at the mo)

[screamingabdab]

I agree with Muppets You have to try and make an effort to re-connect. Me and DH have periods like this, and it got to a stage where we were really taking each other for granted

We try and have most of our dinners at the table, not in front of the telly.

Have you got anyone who can babysit overnight? I think getting away as a couple (if you can do it) is really important

[TrillianAstra]

TV off, laptop put down is a good start.

If you want conversations rather than just 'what I did today' chats I guess you could try to think of some topics anda few starter questions/statements. You could either try to find time to read BBC News or similar for ideas, or just check out the 'in the news' section on here

[PlumBumMum]

Alice,
dh and I have been married 9 years, together 16, and believe me we have times like that when you think what on earth have we actually talked about that dosen't involve dcs or work!
Speak to him,if you feel your not talking, TALK
You could try a few things, have dd in bed, special dinner,
night out just the 2 of you,
a fanily day out too!
You've done the hard bit you've noticed and are planning to take action.

dh and I went away on holidays one year with dd, and I picked a massive row with him on the first day, he couldn't understand where it came from,
I was so nervous that we hadn't been away together in ages that he might think I was boring and what am I doing with her!
It really cleared the air we had a brilliant holiday and came home and got pg with ds

And I think the 2 of us are always aware of making sure we make time for each other now, and plenty of laughs
A good row every now & again, as long as you make up

[HalfMumHalfBiscuit]

Here are some ideas from me and DH (5th Anniversary this year). We have good days and bad but try to talk about things that get on each others nerves but in a positive way where possible.

Do some separate things so you have new stuff to talk about. Hobbies etc. are good.

Going for a walk with DC's creates a good time for a chat with DP on the way.

Do eat dinner together without DC's whenever you can and get a baby sitter sometimes and go out (although we rarely manage this).

Be nice to each other e.g. respectful, polite. Its all too easy to slip into bad habits and start grunting at each other (I can be guilty of this!).

Kiss everytime you say goodbye, greet each other or go to sleep. It creates a bond. (for us this is not a 2 min snog, just a peck on the lips).

I'm sure there are loads of couples out there with rituals like these.

Remember all DP's good points in amongst the inevitable bad ones.

Go on give him a hug, make a nice meal and watch a DVD with a bottle of vino!

Best of luck.

[HalfMumHalfBiscuit]

Here are some ideas from me and DH (5th Anniversary this year). We have good days and bad but try to talk about things that get on each others nerves but in a positive way where possible.

Do some separate things so you have new stuff to talk about. Hobbies etc. are good.

Going for a walk with DC's creates a good time for a chat with DP on the way.

Do eat dinner together without DC's whenever you can and get a baby sitter sometimes and go out (although we rarely manage this).

Be nice to each other e.g. respectful, polite. Its all too easy to slip into bad habits and start grunting at each other (I can be guilty of this!).

Kiss everytime you say goodbye, greet each other or go to sleep. It creates a bond. (for us this is not a 2 min snog, just a peck on the lips).

I'm sure there are loads of couples out there with rituals like these.

Remember all DP's good points in amongst the inevitable bad ones.

Go on give him a hug, make a nice meal and watch a DVD with a bottle of vino!

Best of luck.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Alice there are times when I could write your post! I think it's so easy with a young baby to fall into this kind of rut!

I think the first thing is to say to DH that you've noticed the distance. Whenever either me or DH say to each other 'we are connecting at the moment', the other one of us has always been feeling it too. That is mostly enough to prompt a conversation and a snuggle on the sofa

HMHB is right about the little rituals, we have lots and they really do help.

[bargainhuntingbetty]

You dont need to turn off the tv ndd chat as this can put pressure on you to make up conversation. Get the playing cards out, or a quiz book, make up forfeits for answers you get wrong or games you lose etc. This will cause you both to loosen up and you will laugh and chat naturally whilst playing. This works for us. we also watch quiz shows etc on the tv and challenge each other, again this makes you chat but you are still relaxing at the end of thhe day.

We quite often also put the kids too bed and go too bed for a cuddle. Nothing else just a cuddle, you chat whilst you cuddle and it is no effort at all it just comes easy and natural.

it is very easy whhen you have dc's to stop spending quality time togethher as you are just soo glad the dcs are in bed that you want to just switch off and slob in front of the tv., I have just celebrrated my 10th anniversary and have 2 dd's aged 8 and 6 and these things work for us.

[alicecrail]

Thank you all

I know it sounds like madness (and quite probably is) but until last summer i couldn't use the computer, so would read a lot or make cakes or whatever, and DH would play his geeky game on the computer and it wouldn't really bother me that much. Now because i am on here lots occasionally i make a big effort of turning it off when DH gets home and i let him have plenty of time on his game throughout the evening, or when he comes home for lunch, but if i make an effort and put on a film (that he wants to watch too) he will play on his phone and it winds me up!! If i can make the effort i feel he should too.

You are all right about eating at a table rather than in front of the telly. We have slipped back into bad habits again, but from tomorrow i am going to make sure all meals are at the table.

I have also arranged for us both to go for a meal when we stay with FIL at the end of the month so he can babysit.

[yousaidit]

me and dh were like this (you'll probably have struck a chord with loads of mums on here!), and last week i decided to bite the bullet and as a suprise 'treat' dh as ds is 8m old and bless dh, he wasn't getting any action and we were just eating tea, mustering a few sentances and watching tv.

now i wouldn't say i felt full pf beans, but i was (for me!) very daring and bought some ace retro underwear (some fifties style suspenders with metal fasteners and seamed stockings ) chiffony frilly knik-knicks and a sheer babydoll

he got it all week !!!

it made me feel and bit more foxy rather than worn out mum and dh eyes nearly poped out of his head!]

the point of this very embarrasing post is that if you just do something a little more 'mummmy and daddy time' (as our neighbour calls it!) and push the boat out a bit, it can make a lot of difference! hth!!

[alicecrail]

Good for you!

Tbh, i don't feel sexy any more and i even tend to dress quite mumsy now (i'm only 24 ffs!) But i don't feel able to be a yummy mummy and if i do wear something a bit trendier, people ask me why i'm so dressed up and i feel uncomfortable!

I have even chucked out my nurses outfit I used to have lots of underwear from Myla and Agent Provocateur, but now i find i can't fit in their bras. But maybe i should have a little trip to La Senza

I think you are right that if you feel sexy then sex will follow, and then i may not feel like such a failure

[TrillianAstra]

"if i do wear something a bit trendier, people ask me why i'm so dressed up and i feel uncomfortable!"

I used to get that (due to work environment, not mum-ness obviously), apparently it was an unwritten rule that you had to wear t-shirts and jeans and nothing nicer - a skirt would elicit a round of 'ooo, are you going out later?' But people get bored of that pretty quickly. Try it for a week, they'll shut up. Well, people who only see you once a week might take a few sightings to calms down over the excitement of seeing you wearing nicer stuff, but they will get used to it. Have a stock reply 'it's nice to look nice' or something equally bland.

[alicecrail]

My reply was 'I've just had a massive clear out and found loads of old clothes that now fit again - yay!' Whilst yanking my skirt lower, pulling my belt round the right way etc

[TrillianAstra]

Yay for things fitting again!

[alicecrail]

Well, i say fit what really mean is do up

I'm the one that is usually Lamb dressed as mutton dressed as lamb

[PlumBumMum]

Hey Alice, the best thing to realise is that everyone goes through that stage

Funny you say that about the clothes I did that on thurs wore a skirt and top, and everyone said 'where are you going?' and I just laughed it off.

You are only 24, so get down to La senza and get a few things that are sexy but you are comfortable in.

[alicecrail]

Ahh, you see, that is the problem. I am a 32E so anything that is sexy isn't that comfortable, and if i feel comfortable it isn't that sexy.

[specialmagiclady]

Was going to suggest that you get out and do something you enjoyed doing pre-kids. Eg, my husband & I sometimes go out and play pool. We do a babysitting swap with other families and therefore we haven't paid 25 quid just to walk out the front door.

Also, movie night on a sunday. Curtains shut, popcorn, surround sound on. No laptop, iphones etc...

[TrillianAstra]

La Senza go up to F you know.

[alicecrail]

I know they do my size, but you know what it's like, if it isn't black with wide staps lots of elastic and extra hooks i don't want to know

I am thinking about going into cambridge next week and having a look, i think they have 2 bras for £25 or something at the moment in La Senza, so that is a very good excuse

[PlumBumMum]

Alice forgot to say,
sometimes before dh goes out to work I'll tell him what lies instore for him that night, (not saying it always happens) but at least he knows I'm thinking of him and gives him something to look forward to, he does the same with me!

[yousaidit]

alice, i'm a 40f cup.

honestly, as far as blokes are concerned, dress up the bottom half but don't bother with thetop halp, i think they like an uninterupted view!

look at 'pandoras choice' website, get big suspenders coz they cover more of your thighs if you're self conscious, get a bit dressed up,honestly, t does make you feel a bit more foxy loxy and ready to face the dh again!

[twoclimbingboys]

alice - I am just the same as you, but 26. I could have written your post!

[TrillianAstra]

"sometimes before dh goes out to work I'll tell him what lies instore for him that night"

Don't tell DP I told you but he also likes to be told in advance so he can anticipate.

[alicecrail]

I can guarantee if i'm feeling up for it in the morning, the urge has gone by the evening

I think the biggest problem is the loss of our sunday morning lie ins (thats when DD was concieved )

Will look at that, yousaidit thanks