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trivial moaning/begging for encouragement about dating

(33 Posts)
DickWhittingtonsCat Wed 27-Apr-05 12:45:19

I am sick of this whole dating thing. I have had lots of interesting dates and taken up various interesting activities through which I have ended up making good female friends and going on dates with numerous men, but I am so bored of it never being the last date. I met someone very attractive and after we had gone out 3 times as friends he had to go and work abroad for 6 mths. Then we were emailing once or twice a week for 2 months and I liked him more and more. Even my best friend (who never says this about anyone) said, "He sounds perfect for you." But now we have had a disagreement by email about the Pope and he has not replied to my last message 2 weeks ago. There was another interesting man who came to a party I had and then wanted to meet again, but could not make the day. He sent me 3 emails and 3 texts in one day saying how sorry he was and wanting to meet another time. Then he sent me a big list of all his work engagements over the next few weeks, and also he was being his brother's best man, and said he apologised profusely but would contact me after 17 April. No contact. And there is a sweet boy several years younger than me with whom I flirt very discreetly but now I have been given a responsibility at work which makes it totally inappropriate for me to flirt with someone in his role. Meanwhile, my friend aged 36 has resolved that if she's not in love by her next birthday she's having a baby alone by internet donation. In aid of preventing this, I have volunteered to go out with her everywhere and do everything to increase prospects of her falling in love. So, I find myself going speed dating tomorrow with my friend and two of her female friends whom I haven't met. My friend also tells me that I'm going to get on v well with them, and one of them is interested in learning to rock climb with me. So, that's all good, except for the dating part of it, which is depressing me. All the guy's profiles on the speed dating site are a series of bland professional men who all say that they are laid back and easy going and they can't live without various electronic gadgets and go out drinking very often. They don't seem to have any other positive character attributes or any interests apart from shopping for fancy material objects. All this leads me to remember why the one who has stopped emailing me was so interesting . I need to get into a positive mood about tomorrow because it is supposed to be fun and you never know. Hence shameless begging for encouragement ?

robin3 Wed 27-Apr-05 13:03:36

Oh how I miss these days...not knowing if tonight I'm going to meet the man of my dreams. Not knowing what my future holds. Gossiping and speculating over Sunday brunch. I day you'll look back fondly and wonder why you weren't wilder whilst you had the chance. Go get 'em girl!

ggglimpopo Wed 27-Apr-05 13:21:09

Message withdrawn

Lizzylou Wed 27-Apr-05 13:23:45

You'll have a fab time, enjoy!
You just never know who's going to be there, people put bland things down as they are scared of appearing too "different" ...yu could get a nice surprise and meet the man of your dreams...
or even just make some new friends and drink wine!
Lucky you!

DickWhittingtonsCat Wed 27-Apr-05 13:28:25

I also believe that you can only meet someone when you have reached a state of happy independence, so that is why this speed dating thing is getting to me. Everything else I have done since May 2003 has been something that I was interested in doing for its own sake. The consequence of stopping looking though is too scary, because I am 31 now, and planning more children before 35, which I can afford and cope with even alone, although that would be really my last resort. I feel scared that the point at which I say it's OK if I never fall in love again during my fertile years and will just complete my family by myself, is the point at which my words will become reality. Do you know what I mean? They say something will never happen unless you imagine it happening to you, and that if you keep thinking something will happen to you, then it probably will happen to you. That is why I am trying to create mental images of romance. I met the very attractive man randomly in a cafe at lunchtime when I was out with a female friend on a working day.

Listmaker Wed 27-Apr-05 13:40:57

Gosh you are braver than me DWC! I had lots of dates that never went anywhere and it depressed the hell out of me and I really had given up (but possibly easier for me to do as I was nearly 40 and had 2 dds which is enough for me). I had 2 years with no real romantic interest and it did me the world of good and I really was very content and happy.

But someone persuaded me to put my profile on the dating bit of the friendsreunited dating site so I did and I spotted a nice man and e-mailed him and we ended up having a date and are now madly in love 7 months down the line. I can't believe my luck because he is beyond my dreams.

I had really totally come to terms with it never happening to me and only ever envisaged spending the rest of my life alone and quite happy! I certainly haven't imagined myself getting married for about 10 years but now I am!!!

So don't give up hope and it can happen any time and often when you least expect it. Then again I have friends who have tried EVERYTHING and have met someone, others who tried and tried and it never happened. I went on one dating site, contacted one man and bang it happened.

It's just massive amounts of luck! So good luck to you!!!

nearly40 Wed 27-Apr-05 14:47:26

You are still really young DWC, you have several years to meet someone. I get sick of people saying I should go to evening classes/do some new activity that might possibly result in meeting someone. Perhaps its just me but I never seem to come accross anyone remotely interesting this way. I am 39 with dd and ds so probably too old to have anymore. Also a bit old for speed dating. Joined an internet dating agency but had very few responses and they were totally unsuitable (e.g ten years younger and no kids!!). This totally shattered my confidenceI think you shld keep going with the speed dating - a friend of mine has been going out with a nice guy she met this way six months ago. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!!!

HappyDaddy Wed 27-Apr-05 15:12:42

Blimey, just enjoy yourself and don't take it so seriously.

Bugsy2 Wed 27-Apr-05 15:18:59

DWC, done speed dating and internet dating for last 18 months had lots of laughs, lots of outrageously absurd nights out etc etc
Don't look for the love of your life with these things - have fun, have a giggle. Enjoy yourself.

DickWhittingtonsCat Fri 29-Apr-05 09:47:27

Friends, thank you for your comments. I feel obliged to report back to you. Well, it is definitely not my scene but I like my female friend's two female friends a lot and we have decided to go out again soon, and I also made friends with another woman in the ladies loo and she is going to email me and come out with us. I feel that I have now done the thing that everyone else had done, and found out what it is, but it is probably best for shy people. I am more the type who will just go and make friends with someone whilst I am out and about doing the things I like. Also, all the men there were much more the shyer type and not very confident or attractive, and all relatively short (and shorter than me), compared with the men around, say, my office environment, my yoga centre, my art class, or whatever I normally do. I was going to put ticks for friendship for all the men, just out of curiosity, to see how much I had "scored" but I think that is childish and might be unkind afterwards if they wanted to meet and I had to say that I had no intention of ever meeting up. But, I have randomly got a message from someone who wasn't there yesterday via the website, who sounds moderately interesting, has similar education and lifestyle etc, although he is listing his interests as travelling, music, books, skiing and working long hours, which is very off putting. If I want to respond then I will have to renew the membership for £25. Is it worth it?

Bugsy2 Fri 29-Apr-05 10:01:06

Doubt it DWC. Sounds like you are sociable & gregarious. I did all that stuff too & eventually came to the same conclusion that actually I prefer to meet men in an environment where we might have a shared interest & I already know them a bit.
I had 14 dates in just over 12 months through internet or speed dating. Some of them I saw a few times (even bonked two of them!!!!) but none of them were right for me & I definitely felt I was getting the thin end of the wedge.

snafu Fri 29-Apr-05 11:50:52

Yup, totally agree with Bugsy. I've been through the whole internet thing, found it profoundly depressing. THe vast majority of the men are the same - fat pay packets, fat heads, extreme-sport junkies and they all love travelling, good food and 'chilling out'. Gimme a break. Tbh I'm not sure I'd want to meet someone who thought they could find love through a computer anyway (sorry listmaker )

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't bother renewing. You sound as if you have the knack of meeting people anyway, so one day it'll all just come together. Sounds like a cliche but I think it is true...

sis Fri 29-Apr-05 12:06:52

Oh DWC, I wish I could say something useful - instead, I'll just say 'hello' and hope you have more success with the dating game this year.

ThePreciousIdiot Fri 29-Apr-05 12:14:35

DWC - I think you sound fantastic. I bet you have men falling at your feet because you of your confidence and self belief - keep having fun, keep enjoying yourself and go with the flow.

You might even make some new friends tomorrow night!

Just be yourself and have fun, the variety of men at these things is superb (only have personal experience of central London though)

snafu Fri 29-Apr-05 12:19:49

I think she's already been, tpi - see this morning's post.

Have just read my post back and it sounds really bitter and negative - sorry about that! I just mean that I do honestly believe that love appears when you're not looking for it. Intenet/speed dating etc can be a laugh if you're confident and take it purely at face value but I think - as a rule - most of us fall over the loves of our lives when we are looking the other way!

nearly40 Fri 29-Apr-05 13:17:50

DWC - you sound great and you have years in which to meet the right guy. I have to say that I did not come accross any attractive men when I did speed dating a couple of years ago. At least you can chat to people on the net in a less pressurised way. I think you need to try all sorts of things to meet guys. Do you go out to bars etc sometimes? By the way I like the idea of the guy you were seeing not responding to your e-mails after you had a row about the pope!!! Thats a new one on me - obviously he is the sort that gets easily offended. Good luck, I know what it is like but I'm sure you will meet someone soon!!

DickWhittingtonsCat Fri 29-Apr-05 13:48:10

Well, this whole episode is quite funny. I sent a reply to the random online guy who had sent me a message without having been at the event. I just said I had gone once and it wasn't my scene and I wasn't going to renew my membership but if he wanted to meet for a drink after work in a friendly way, he should send me his email address quick before my membership expired, and I also had lots of attractive single friends (ie if we didn't get on I could introduce him to other nice girls). He then sent me a reply but the website would not let me read it. I rang them up and they said because I hadn't liked anyone at the event I was entitled to a free ticket, but I said I didn't want to go again, but just thought it would be rude if I never read this guy's reply. So, they have given me 10 days' free online membership and I now have this man's email address and he says he wants to meet but does not know how to interpret my comment about having lots of attractive single friends! Now I am trying to get my three friends to go out again, the plan being just to go out to nice bars and meet people in an ordinary way. I actually think there was one guy last night that all 3 of them liked so perhaps we should all go out together and use part of the evening to see this random guy and the one they liked before leaving and going elsewhere by ourselves. Must say, having met those men last night makes me realise how relatively drop-dead gorgeous the three real life dont-email-me/unsuitable in the workplace guys are .

Listmaker Fri 29-Apr-05 13:49:45

Don't worry Snafu I'm not at all offended! I am the last person who would have expected to find 'love' on the internet and believe I was just incredibly lucky! As it turns out we both have an awful lot in common and have amazing links together. But I hardly ever go out as all my friends are married etc. Also I am not really a clubbing person so if I met someone that way I think we wouldn't be suited if they liked that lifestyle etc.

My bf was just left by his wife after 22 years of marriage and has all couple friends too and was just dipping his toe in the water too. For both of us it was the only date we had via this dating site so we aren't your typical couple meeting through the internet.

I am proof it can work but from what I could see there are a LOT of losers out there. I got some very odd e-mails indeed. You have to have you 'weirdo radar' working full blast that's for sure!!

DWC you sound full of fun - making a friend in the loo!! That's what I'm like too and in the good old days had no trouble meeting men - always had someone on the go! But I just don't have the chance to do anything other than work and be with my dds so my chances of meeting someone through a hobby were zero. There are NO prospects at work so I really had given up. But was happy! I'm sure you'll meet someone when you least expect it. And when it's right it's just soooooo easy and natural. I can't believe I wasted so much time on wasters and losers that I knew weren't right for me. Then again some of it was fun at times!!!

Good luck!!

nearly40 Fri 29-Apr-05 14:22:43

Glad to hear about the e-mail. Even if you don;t like him perhaps one of your friends will. It must be horrible worrying about the biological clock ticking - I think it is very brave of your mate to think about having a kid on her own. When I am feeling down I remind myself that I have two lovely kids - even though they have their problems!! - and I would not want it any other way. I agree with snafu that internet dating is not ideal. The problem I have is that all my friends are married/ in relationships and I don't meet people at work (boring office) but I can't change jobs as this is secure and child friendly hours. So that means I will have to go on-line or answer personals if I want to stand a chance of meeting someone. Its good you are going out on a regular basis, have you asked friends to set you up?? I've been on a couple of dates that didn't work out but at least I knew the guys did not have two heads!!

Listmaker Fri 29-Apr-05 14:31:55

Nearly40 you sound just like me except I am justover40!! This time last year I was totally resigned to the single life forever. Since I turned 40 things have just got better than I could have imagined!

There are nice men on the internet - it just takes some searching to find them! Have you tried the friendsreunited dating site? It's quite cheap and there are loads of men on there. Seems less scary to me because probably lots are on there because they found it by chance while on friends reunited and not because they were looking for a dating site. That's how it was for me and my bf anyway.

Having said that my exp also met the woman he now lives with (in Holland!) via the internet. He probably comes across as lovely but he's an absolute prat! So beware!!!!

I have a couple of friends who have met men online though like me and they are all loved up and happy. They aren't all saddos!!

nearly40 Fri 29-Apr-05 14:42:24

Thats really encouraging listmaker. One of the things that puts me off is that I know my ex dh (who is a total loser) is doing internet dating. He did date someone last year but she saw the light and chucked him after six months (sensible lady!!) I think I will just have to take the plunge again and have a look, they can't all be weirdos. Like you I don't like clubbing - this was something my ex was into and I couldn't face going out with someone who is out till 4:00 am once a week getting up to who knows what.

I am really glad that you have found someone lovely, does he have kids as well?

Listmaker Fri 29-Apr-05 15:11:41

Yes Nearly40 he has 3 dds (that makes 5 between us - yikes!!) who are 15, 13 and 10 (mine are 7 and 5). They live with him 50% of the time - doing week on/week off. He really is a lovely, lovely man and I can't believe my luck. The only trouble is that his exw is a pain in the arse - really horrible and so angry all the time (and she's the one who left him for someone else!) and the financial side is dragging on and on so we can't plan our future properly yet but we want to!!

I really didn't think men like him existed - at least if they did they were married and stayed that way! He was totally faithful for 26 years - men like that don't grow on trees! I'm keping hold of this one!

nearly40 Fri 29-Apr-05 15:18:36

Perfect!! It is so much better to go out with someone with their own kids. They can really understand where you are coming from. My ex had a few male friends who were in their 40s and no kids. They all seemed to operate on a totally different planet, obsessed with travelling and the latest gadget/X box game. I guess thats fine for them but obviously they would have no connection with family life. Shame about the ex wife but you will get through this. Its funny that they be so vindictive when they were the ones to finish the marriage. I've seen this happen on several occasions.

Listmaker Fri 29-Apr-05 15:19:31

Just to add that I definitely think men with kids are a better bet for a single Mum - they understand what it's like etc. I was led right up the garden path by an ex uni friend - single bloke surgeon etc - wooed me, promised the earth, came down for a visit and totally changed. Eventually admitted that after a load of crap about how my kids were an 'asset' and not baggage etc etc he couldn't handle it. I felt a right fool!

Listmaker Fri 29-Apr-05 15:21:11

We crossed posts n40!! And said almost the same thing!! How old are your children and how long have you been on your own? Sorry DWC btw for hijacking your thread!!!

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