I was going to name change for this but have decided to be upfront. Afterall I dont think its anything too bad, just a bit embarassing maybe.
I love my 12 month old DD to peices. Sometimes I wonder whether its possible to love her too much though. I have always been quite high maintenance emotionally, giving and receving.
My parents, especially my dad, are very emotional people. Always telling us (me and my brother) how much they love us, how much we mean to them etc. This is lovely, but as a result I have come to think this is normal in other areas of life.
DH is not an overtly emotional person, which probably does me some good!
DD (IMO) has been hard work. Firstly she had colic, then reflux, then sleep issues and now she is an adorable little monkey but with very high energy levels (as I am sure most 12 months are!). As an example, whenever we go out in a mummy/baby group, I am always the mum having to run around the room or stand holding a fretting baby. She likes to join in and is a very brave little mite (unlike me).
I will call her high spirited!! A bit like me.
She really is fantastic but I find her draining (am going back to work next week, part time).
I have started to think (not even worry really but just to actually think it) that I am not a very good mum?
I have started to wonder (well I thought it a while back really) whether maybe she is not demanding or high energy but that its just me that finds it difficult to cope/keep up with her.
My friends have said that I am a great mum. I am always that person joining in, climbing through tunnels and singing songs to DD but in reality I find it very tiring and really I just want to sit down and have a cup of tea. I am looking forward to DD being a little older so that she does not require constant supervision .
More notably, whenever I am around my in laws I find that I feel I am a rubbish mum. My in laws grow their own vegetables and make all of their food from scratch, I sometimes give DD fish fingers and beans (writing this now I feel a bit silly but sad at the same time). Sometimes I would like to be "Super mum" but it just isnt me.
DD is spending the night at in laws this evening and I am worrying about what to make for her tea this afternoon so that they will think I am a "good" mum. She has lots of fruit and veg but it all tends to be quick things, like boil some brocolli, mash some potato and feed her blue berries. Hardly Nigella!
I am hoping that when I go back to work I might be a "better" mum.
I love her to peices but sometimes I feel that she is so independent (except when feeling clingy) that maybe she is not that bothered about me. This morning I was trying to dress her (she hates that at the moment) and she started crying, I carried on dressing her and she got very angry and started to throw herself around (which makes it difficult to hold her) and then she turned and pushed my face away and started laughing. I am aware that its strange to think that maybe my DD wants to hurt me, but she definately finds it funny to try to scratch my face or poke my eyes. I tell her "no" and try to carry on but she can almost over power me, which I feel is a ridiculous thing to say about a 12 month old.
I feel that when I go back to work next week (and DH will have her 3 days a week (he was mmade redundant over Christmas) that she will love him more than me, and then I feel bad for making it sound like a competition as i know its not about that and that of course I want her to love her dad as much as me. I just feel that I will not be needed
So I say all this feeling quite confused as I am aware that I am being silly but I genuinely feel a bit rubbish/selfish and I can feel myself backing away defensively.
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Quite confused. Could I be a rubbish mum?
pamelat · 30/01/2009 13:05
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