Family feud, just want to talk really

[abitsadtoday]

DH has one brother and they used to be very close. His brother has apparently always been a little bit rude and quite selfish, but liveable with.

Anyway, he met his wife abiut 5 yrs ago and since then has been pretty unbearable. Treated PIL very, very badly. The wife has never had the time of day for me and they've been rude to me quite a lot in the past.

Just over 3 yers ago their first dc was born and suddenly they made an effort and were all chummy with us, despite the fact they'd ignored us for about 18 months - BIL would ignore DH's emails and text etc.

Well, thing were ok-ish for a while but there was still a lot of not very nice passive-aggressive stuff going on from the wife. Anyway, we ended up having a disagreement over a family event and she went absolutely bonkers and sent some emails to us which were extremely nasty.

So, we've not spoken since. They recently had another DC and 8 weeks later we had our first DC. There has been no communication between us for 18 months.

These are the only cousins our DC has and is likely to have, I don't really know how to proceed with this - do I tell her she has an Uncle or cousins when she gets bigger, or brush them under the carpet?

I cannot see any amends being made from either camp. I, personally, believe that family feuds are a ridiculous waste of precious time and energy but BIL and SIL are determined that this is the way it will be, despite a couple of olive branches from us (which were very hard to make, given that she has never apologised for the personal attack she made on me).

Not sure what I want really, just playing on my mind today..

[LostHorizon]

Is it just me or are ~99% of these family feuds either among the female members of the family or initiated by them?

I mean, when I look at my extended family including in-laws, it's always the women who seem unable to get along, and who are forever squabbling over some imagined slight or other. I dunno where the energy comes from.

The men, well, we just let it wash over us. If the wife can't get along with her sister, who cares? Certainly not me.

The only reason family is different is because you're supposedly closer for being family. As this is patently not the case here, and you all apparently hate each other, why not just think "Fuck 'em" and move on?

[more]

Lucky your wife if she has a problem then LostHorizon .

I honestly don't think your child/ren are going to suffer if they have no contact with their cousins/uncles/aunties/grandparents. As long as the child/ren grow up with parents that loves them (be it in separate houses or in one).

[abitsadtoday]

Thanks for misreading the OP, this feud is not of my making or my choosing

[abitsadtoday]

Thanks more, you are right I'm sure.

[choosyfloosy]

OK, for me cousins are very important (particularly for my ds who is an only). I would continue contact with the children (Christmas, birthdays, letters, pictures from your dc, anything you can think of). Have pictures of the whole family in an album somewhere so they aren't in your face day to day but so that you can talk about them normally. Just say that you dón't talk or see them at the moment but they are still family.

TBH official feuds don't happen in my family but then we can regard a relationship that consists of 1 chat at a family party every five years or so as a satisfactory family relationship!

[LostHorizon]

No, but it does sound like as usual it all kicked off on the distaff side of the family, and I just don't understand why this is always seems to be the case?

[abitsadtoday]

We tried to continue contct with children - sending cards and presents and they told us not to and didn't speak to PIL for 6 months for passing the presents on.

Still kept and used the presents apparently though

Don't have any pics of the DC either.

[abitsadtoday]

LostHorizon with the greatest respect please would you go and pontificate elsewhere as I am looking for support and advice and not unhelpful commentary.

[scaryfucker]

distaff?

blimey LH, have you been reading the dictionary?

[LostHorizon]

"Distaff", "rictus" and "syzygy" are among my favourite words .

Tough to use all three in the same sentence though.

[choosyfloosy]

LH if you are interested I would suggest that You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen has some useful insights on this, though - wow! - not all women or men would agree with her theories.

[macdoodle]

Lost are you having a bad day you seem determined to be argumentative on a number of threads
FWIW my HUSBAND and his BROTHER are the ones that dont get on in his family - and the problems in my family are all my BROTHER - so that shits on your theory nicely!

[LostHorizon]

I'm always argumentative!

[scaryfucker]

lh, may I direct you to the dogs thread?

initiated by a loony brother-in-law

[mogwai]

Do you plan to have more children?

I grew up very close to my cousins but I was an only child. Their presence was very important to me.

OTOH if I'd had a sibling it might have been different.

[LostHorizon]

@ scaryfucker:

I'm sure it happens. Just a lot less often.

Dogs? WTF? How can people argue about dogs? If a dog becomes an issue, you just have it destroyed, don't you?

[scaryfucker]

perhaps if distaff members of the family become troublesome, you could arrange to get them destroyed?

just a thought

[LostHorizon]

Or just confine them to the kitchen?

[Tanee58]

Barefoot and pregnant, no doubt

[LostHorizon]

Why didn't I think of that?

[Tanee58]

Because, my dear, you are a mere man. We have plenty of time whilst cooking, gestating and warming our pretty little toes in the ashes of the stove, to mull over these things and plan our next family vendetta !

[missingtheaction]

back to the thread - my xdh has no relationship with his brother (lost: get that - they are BOTH MEN) and my dcs have never met their cousin. I don't think it's a big issue - if you don't get on (and boy they didn't get on from age 5) then spending time together is both torture and hypocrisy. WHy on earth woudl you want your DCs to have to spend time or feel obligated to such horrid selfish people?

[twoluvlykids]

to go back to the op - i wouldn't personally worry, as long as your dc knows she's loved by her parents, the rest of the "family" don't matter too much, imo.

[clam]

Annoys me when people refer to "personality clashes." Meaning like most of Europe had a personality clash with Hitler? Some people are just impossible to get along with. Maybe your BIL and SIL are in that category. Let them get on with it.

[Tanee58]

Well, having baited LH, I have to admit that the longest running feud in my family was caused by an aunt-through-marriage. She caused her husband to fall out with each of his five brothers in turn - things with my father were so bad that they didn't speak for 20 years. She was and is a right spoilt expletive. Her children, my cousins, are very nice, but we only meet at weddings and funerals.

But to get back to the OP, and thinking of how wary my parents and I still are of mixing with my uncle and wife, even though the feud is long over, I would agree with other posters that ABitSad shouldn't bother with these people. It's very sad, but the loss is her BIL's. It's nice if you have cousins to be close to, but these days, cousinhood is not necessarily as important as friendship. My DD only has two cousins on my side, & although she has a couple of second cousins on her father's side, they are not close. She doesn't seem to miss this as she has plenty of close schoolfriends and parents who love her to bits.

If ABitSad has more children, and / or if she ensures that her DC cultivates good, close friendships through childhood onwards, that's the best, most secure 'family' she needs.