I'm so pissed of with lazy arsed DP

[memoo]

I went to bed early last night (half 6) because was ans still am feeling ill.

Got up this morning and house is just a mess. Hasn't even washed up supper dishes, kids clothes are juat in a pile on the landing and the living room was full of dirty cups.

I'm so pissed off becuase this is just typical of his attitude. If I don't do it it doesn't get done. I have talked about it with him many times and he swears that he will help out more but nothing changes.

I'm sat here crying now because its starting to wear me down. I am one person and can't be held responsible for doing everythin but some how i am. the laundry basket is over flowing because i haven't done much the last few days. He won't touch it but he'll be winging in the morning if he has no clean clothes.

[beeny]

I dont know what to say but lots of hugs.

[bellavita]

for you.

Can you not just look after yourself and the DC's and see how he likes that? Let him whinge in the morning.

[memoo]

i think i might just do that bella, he jsut came in to the room and i said we need to talk and he just sighed and walked off!!

[PumpkinPatty]

Agree with bellavita.
You need to be tough - don't wash his clothes (wash yours and DCs but leave his). He needs to learn that there are consquences to his behaviour.

Sorry you aren't feeling well, hope you feel better soon

[bellavita]

I hope you can get it sorted memoo as living in a house full of atmosphere I am sure will not be nice.

Just test the waters a little bit over the next few days with not doing his stuff and see how you go.

Hugs to you.

[skidoodle]

Well whatever you do, do not even consider washing his clothes. He's a grown man FFS.

If he whinges just tell him to button it, that you're neither his mother nor his skivvy and if he wants clean clothes he can do them himself.

How old are your kids? Could you get them to do a quick morning blitz? And maybe fool them into thinking they're having fun?

As for your DH I think it's time for some serious action to fix his lazy arse ways. One thing you can do is stop taking on responsibilities for getting things done.

Delegate to him: tell him very particularly what needs doing and by when and if it doesn't get done hold him responsible for it.

For more extreme measures you could withdraw all work related to him: don't cook for him, don't clean for him, take any of his stuff left lying around and chuck it into a big pile somewhere (shed?) until he starts to pull his weight, i.e. do an equal share of the work.

It's shit to be feeling ill not have someone up their game to help you out until you feel better. You should be the one doing nothing other than resting right now and the house should somehow miraculously be perfect and you shouldn't have to think about how it's happening. That's what a decent partner does for someone who's ill.

[bellavita]

[MadameOvary]

I hate sighing so much - its such a wind up and so disrespectful - ex used to do it, accompanied by rubbing in the bridge of his nose in a manner that suggested I was just one more thing to deal with.

Anyway I got my own back by mirroring him - think he found it v. disconcerting.
So next time he gripes, just sigh and walk out the room.

[mumoverseas]

agree with bellavita and skidoodle. lazy pig! maybe try giving him his cups of tea in paper cups and dinner on paper plates and see if he gets the hint?

[Pheebe]

I'm not sure refusing to wash his clothes is really going to help in this situation. It might help you feel a little better in the short term but is just going to create another area of conflict and actually give him a real reason to moan.

DH is in no way lazy but the concept of keeping house just washes over him. He does some things to help but I've found I have to ask him to do specific things. Its just the way it is and I would rather that than have constant arguments and rowing and an atmosphere in the house. No it shouldn't be like that, he should just see what needs doing and do it, it shouldn't all fall on me to have to think, plan and instruct. But it does, simple as. But then I don't want to do DIY, mend the kids bikes, clear up the garden, put the bins out (and wash em after), wash the cars etc etc, all of which he does and I don't think about.

Perhaps start with simple things like, please can you wash up while I put the washing on. Its very hard to refuse such a reasonable request and if he does then thats a far more serious issue.

Hope that helps and {{{{hugs}}}} for feeling poorly, hope you feel better soon

[skidoodle]

Pheebe

Washing the clothes of an able-bodied adult is a favour. Why should anyone be doing favours for someone who leaves them housework to do while they're sick?

It's not about refusing to do anything. Refusing implies that washing his clothes is her job, which unless he pays her specifically do it, it presumably isn't.

If his clothes aren't washing he doesn't "have a real reason to moan" that you could even think that a man has a real reason to moan that his sick wife hasn't washed his clothes for him. FFS

LOL @ mumoverseas ha ha, you are so sweet.

Why should she offer him tea or food at all?

[Pheebe]

OFGS, living together is a partnership. Refusing to do the washing of include him at meal times as a punishment is pathetic and childish and as I said unlikely to achieve anything except make him feel excluded and worthless.

"that you could even think that a man has a real reason to moan that his sick wife hasn't washed his clothes for him" This is not what I said at all. I appreciate by trying to offer genuine workable advice rather than knee jerk 'all men are mysogenistic bastards' advice I open myself up to ill thought out flaming like this but I stand by the advice I offered and hope the OP can work with her DH to improve the situtation rather than spiral down into a she vs he relationship.

Also as I said in my post it shouldn't be that way, men and women should be equal in every way but the reality is it simply doesn't work that way. So for many women its a choice of working with what you've got or living alone. Womens lib is all very well as an ideal to work towards but the expectation of equality works both ways. Also as I said in my post I don't want to do or think about many of the traditional 'male' household jobs (cars, bins, diy etc). Does that make me a 'bad' wife? Am I failing or abusing my DH in anyway? No of course not.

[mrshankly]

this is an ongoing thing in my relationship too and it does really wear you down... he does the sigh thing too which is just pure passive aggression. Once it's become an ongoing issue, it doesn't take much to become irate with them and the more they belittle the importance of the issue, the more you feel disrespected.

[skidoodle]

Yes, I quite agree that living together is a partnership.

In a partnership you both treat each other with respect, try to do roughly equal amounts of whatever work you each feel comfortable with, take on more than your fair share when the other person is ill, and take them seriously if the have genuine grievances that you are not doing your fair share.

The kind of lack of respect shown by expecting another adult to look after you and refusing to take responsibility for your share of the household work (however you decide to share it) can be incredibly corrosive and lead eventually to relationships breaking down.

Withdrawing your labour from someone who isn't pulling their weight or treating you with the care and respect you deserve isn't a "punishment". You can't possibly see it that way unless you think this man deserves to have his meals made for him and washing done for him.

As for making him feel "excluded and worthless"? awww, poor diddums. Stepping up and acting like a man and taking responsibility for his own household might make him feel a little better about himself. Either way, the OP feels pretty worthless this morning, being expected to do all the work even when she is ill. Why is his sense of worth more important than hers?

"Also as I said in my post it shouldn't be that way, men and women should be equal in every way but the reality is it simply doesn't work that way."

The reality is it that it does work that way and the quickest way to stop someone taking advantage of you is to stop letting them by setting your own boundaries.

You can't change how someone else behaves. But you can change how you behave yourself. If the OP feels her DP isn't contributing to the housework it is perfectly reasonable for her to leave him to fend for himself. That still leaves her with more than 50% of the work.

[memoo]

I tried to talk to him but it just descended into him huffing and puffing and me then getting upset. Although when I asked him why he just assumes I will do washing etc he couldn't actually answer my question and just sat that looking a bit wet really.

He has such an old fashion attitude, he works and therefor I do the housework. But what he forgets is that I also work too. I work from 8:45 til 3:30 every day. He doesn't get in til 8 most nights and so I don't mind doing the lions share during the week. but I do expect that at weekends he should muck in.

He has 2 DD's from first marriage and they are here at the weekends so my work load doubles, which i don't mind because I love them but it does take the piss when he still deosn't lift a finger.

I have just said to him that if he doesn't help out more then I am going to stop doing his washing etc. And I am going to stick to it. We'll see what happens today, although from the way he is sculking around I don't think much is going to change.

Thanks for the hugs and kind words, means a lot xx

[Pheebe]

Skidoodle, your first 3 paragraphs I completely and wholeheartedly agree with.

As for the rest:

"Withdrawing your labour from someone who isn't pulling their weight or treating you with the care and respect you deserve isn't a "punishment". You can't possibly see it that way unless you think this man deserves to have his meals made for him and washing one for him"

Of course its a form of punishment! Punishment for not doing what the other party wants. Right or wrong, its being done to force the man to behave a certain way.

"As for making him feel "excluded and worthless"? awww, poor diddums"

Its exactly that kind of pathetic direspectful attitude that contributes to the high divorce rate we have today imo. As women, we've made huge strides in terms of personal independence. Many men however continue to wallow in their chauvanistic attitude that women do domestic work. That is the reality and one generation or so of women coming out from behind the kitchen sink isn't going to change that. All we can do is work with what we've got and teach our sons to have greater respect for women and see 'housework' that both partners should share equally.

"Stepping up and acting like a man and taking responsibility for his own household might make him feel a little better about himself. Either way, the OP feels pretty worthless this morning, being expected to do all the work even when she is ill. Why is his sense of worth more important than hers?"

It isn't, but behaving like a petulant child isn't going to change that. Does the fact that he works full time mean nothing also? Incidently I'm the main breadwinner in our family at the mo so I see this from both sides.

"Also as I said in my post it shouldn't be that way, men and women should be equal in every way but the reality is it simply doesn't work that way." The reality is it that it does work that way and the quickest way to stop someone taking advantage of you is to stop letting them by setting your own boundaries."

In your perfect world perhaps thats true and possible but the reality is very different for a large majority of women and the advice I offered was set within the context of acknowledging that. YOU might have the fortitude, ability to provide for yourself and self belief to set and stick to such boundaries. I would argue that many many women don't and offering bolshy, confrontational advice is imo counterproductive and foolish.

"You can't change how someone else behaves. But you can change how you behave yourself. If the OP feels her DP isn't contributing to the housework it is perfectly reasonable for her to leave him to fend for himself"

In which case by that logic its perfectly reasonable for him to move out and leave her to fend for herself and pay maintenance as required by law. Relationships are about far more thatn tit for tat I do this so you do that.

"That still leaves her with more than 50% of the work"

Really?? again you seem to be dismissing the fact that in this particular relationship he is working full time to pay the bills. That too has some worth you know and is relevant when considering how the 'work' should be divided. And no it doesn't mean he's excused from all the regular household jobs that need to be done.

[expatinscotland]

don't do his clothes then.

you're not his skivvy unless you want to be.

he wants clean clothes he can wash them himself if he has that attitude.

'Really?? again you seem to be dismissing the fact that in this particular relationship he is working full time to pay the bills. That too has some worth you know and is relevant when considering how the 'work' should be divided. And no it doesn't mean he's excused from all the regular household jobs that need to be done.'

I worked full time and paid all our bills for 4 years whilst DH was a SAHD.

That's not a license to expect my spouse to be my servant or for anyone, male or female, to use that as an excuse not to even pick up after themselves, not to mention the kids they chose to bring into this world.

Don't like it? Don't like lots of housework and chores on top of your job? Don't have kids/get married. Self-control really is that simple.

[expatinscotland]

don't do his clothes then.

you're not his skivvy unless you want to be.

he wants clean clothes he can wash them himself if he has that attitude.

'Really?? again you seem to be dismissing the fact that in this particular relationship he is working full time to pay the bills. That too has some worth you know and is relevant when considering how the 'work' should be divided. And no it doesn't mean he's excused from all the regular household jobs that need to be done.'

I worked full time and paid all our bills for 4 years whilst DH was a SAHD.

That's not a license to expect my spouse to be my servant or for anyone, male or female, to use that as an excuse not to even pick up after themselves, not to mention the kids they chose to bring into this world.

Don't like it? Don't like lots of housework and chores on top of your job? Don't have kids/get married. Self-control really is that simple.

[expatinscotland]

'He has 2 DD's from first marriage and they are here at the weekends so my work load doubles, which i don't mind because I love them but it does take the piss when he still deosn't lift a finger.'

Hmm, I can only imagine why his first marriage broke up.

[skidoodle]

memoo

"Although when I asked him why he just assumes I will do washing etc he couldn't actually answer my question and just sat that looking a bit wet really."

That's the spirit

I think Pheebe is right though in that "I have just said to him that if he doesn't help out more then I am going to stop doing his washing etc" is very vague.

For a start I wouldn't talk about "helping out". Your children "help" around the house. The adults do their bit. What you want is not for him to help a bit but for him to take responsibility for his share of household tasks. He is an adult and needs to act like one.

What is it that you want him to do?

In the most recent example he didn't take the load off you when you were ill, so that could be one of the things you say to him:

"When I'm sick in bed I need you to do run the house until I am better. I will do the same for you. That means that the house should be reasonably tidy and the washing up done."

Then think about what else seems fair. He works full time, you work about 4/5ths of full time. So what seems fair to you?

I would guess that as you are home earlier than he it might make sense for you to make supper on weekday evenings. If you do that, he could do the washing up on those nights, perhaps?

Do you like the house to be quite tidy when he isn't so bothered? Well then you could take responsibility for that but ask him to be in charge of laundry.

Whatever you want, you need to be clearer about it than saying he needs to "help out" or else.

Try to get him to agree a way to share the work. If he won't agree to something you think is reasonable it is probably time to think about counselling to figure this out to both of your satisfaction. Don't underestimate how much of a problem this kind of a problem can become.

As long as you are not happy with his contribution, don't do work for him that he could do for himself.

Pheebe LOL at my attitude leading to divorce

I come from a good Catholic family with no divorces I'll have you know

None of the men in my family that I respect and love treat their wives as skivvies. Not my dad, my BIL, either of my grandfathers, or any of my uncles.

TBH I think it is pretty disrespectful to assume men are not capable of acting like adults and pulling their weight and just giving up on this generation and trying to make things better with our sons.

[memoo]

I think the reason it gets to me so much is that I work too which i need to do in order for us to make ends meet but he still expects me to do all the housework when I get home. His reason for not doing anything is that he is at work all day but I am too!!!

I do accept though that I need to be more direct in what I ask him to do. I really do believe that he can't see half the stuff that needs doing. I'm not really OCD about housework, I accept that as a family of 6 the house is, at best, going to be organised chaos. But his standards are a lot lower than mine, To him a kitchen full of dirty dishes isn't really a problem whereas I feel like I need things to be relatively clean and tidy otherwise I can't relax.

So I am going to try the direct approach of asking him to do specific things.

[Pheebe]

Some great suggestions skidoodle

And congrats on having a divorce free family

Expat - Housework isn't skivvying!! Its a valid contribution to creating a family unit and a home. I really don't get this attitude that housework is somehow demeaning or less valid that work outside the home.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Really sorry you are having to deal with this memoo when you are poorly

Hope you feel better soon

I work same hrs as you and when I started back at work once dd in school, dh and I just sat down and agree who would do what. Then we wrote it down and pinned up our individual "lists".

A bit tedious and pedantic but it works. Any disputes and you can just point to the notice board! It will be written in black and white.

Once you are feeling stronger, I'd go away for the weekend and leave him with all the dc and all the housework and get him to agree beforehand that the house will be in reasonable state when you get back or else!!!

Good luck!

[expatinscotland]

'Expat - Housework isn't skivvying!! Its a valid contribution to creating a family unit and a home. I really don't get this attitude that housework is somehow demeaning or less valid that work outside the home. '

and i don't know where you get from my posts that i think housework is skivvying.

in fact, i really don't get a lot of your attitude at all.

so he works and pays the bills.

he chose to have a family/become a family unit.

the work needs done unless he/she earns enough to outsource the work.

marriage is a partnership, the 'i work hard' excuse for treating a spouse like a skivvy is not on.

ever.

[Pheebe]

Sorry, yes, misread something in your post. I don't think I'm getting my point across very well today

What I'm trying to say is this

Going out to work to pay the bills is a job. Staying at home and being a (although I hate to use americanisms) homemaker (ie taking on the running of the household) is also a job. This is true whichever partner takes on whichever role. Whichever partner is out at work should also be taking on some of the household chores is absolutely true but I don't think its unreasonable to expect to have their washing done with the rest of the family is an unreasonable expectation! Or on the days they are out 9-5 or whatever to have a meal cooked for them.

Its a case of how you divide those household chores up - which fall under the remit of the partner who stays at home and which fall under the remit of joint responsibility that appears to be such a bone on contension.

As I said I am the breadwinner at the moment in our family but I also cook 99% of the meals, make the shopping list (we go shopping together) and do all the washing and ironing because quite frankly DH is crap at it. He however has sole responsibility for keeping the garden sorted, keeping the cars clean, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, stripping the beds, dusting, taking ds1 to nursery... the list goes on and on. Generally I have to ask and remind which is a pain in the ass but it all gets done.