Really want another dc

[LaDiDaDi]

DD is now 2.4, she is the greatest thing in my life and I would really love to have another dc not only for myself and dp but also to give dd a sibling.

Dp has had mental health problems (depression/anxiety) for the past year although he is now much better than he was 6 months ago.

I feel that all I can think about is havng another dc, I so wan t to be pregnant and then have another lo it's eating away at me all of the time because dp is really reluctant to ttc. I know that any decision has to be a joint one but it's making me so unhappy. Friends had a lo today and I just feel like crying because I'm so jealous and I know that this is going to get worse as I have a very good friend who is pregnant and another who is ttc.

I do understand dp's concerns about his health but I also feel that I will end up depressed if I can't see that there will become a point where we will ttc again. I was ill at the end of my last pregnancy and had dd at 32 weeks but I thought that our recent appointment with the consultant to talk through these risks was really helpful and would mean that we could now "get going" as it were but dp seems to have got cold feet again...

I just want some words of advice/comfort please.

[Elasticwoman]

Really sympathise with your desire to have another one at this stage.

More discussion with your dp is needed.

[chipmonkey]

LaDiDaDi, when I wanted to ttc again and dh was less keen, shall we say, we ended up having a discussion where we ended up saying that we would start ttc in January 2003 which was at that time a year in the future. It was longer than I wanted to wait but enough time for dh to get his head around it.

[LaDiDaDi]

Thanks,

Dp just seems really worried about how we might cope rather than thinking of positive ways in which we will manage.

We had previously said that we wouldn't start to ttc until dd was three but I feel so desperately broody the whole time it's almost all that I can think about. The other day my friend was coming around with her dd and my dd said "Is x my sister mummy?", made me feel so sad for her.

I have thought about accepting some agreed date for sometime in the future, even if that's much further away thanI would like, but I worry that dp will say no again and I will then start to feel really angry and resentful.

I also think that although dp doesn't not get on with his brother they don't really bother with each other that much and I think that he would struggle to think that either of them gain much from having a sibling. I'm an only child and see things rather differently.

Just have to hope that he will see his friend's lo and that will help to change his mind...

[chipmonkey]

It really makes you wish men had a "broody" gene doesn't it?

[Pheebe]

So dd will be 3 next summerish? I would wait til then tbh however hard it is for you. Your DP will most likely still be feeling very fragile (albeit in a blokish way ) if he's recovering from depression/anxiety. However you dress it up it is a huge physical and mental burden on the partner too and he needs to feel strong enough to cope with it.

I appreciate its easy for me to say. But I had multiple mcs before and bewteen my 2 and DH was far less than keen to go for number 2 because of that so am VERY aware of how devastating the need to be pregnant can be. We kind of agreed a timeframe and made some plans to 'fill in' the time (weekends away, a small saving plan, anything to mark the time and make the months feel like they were passing quicker).

[BabyBaby123]

i know it must be hard but ime it is natural for women to feel broody for most of their childbearing years, we just have to suppress it mose of the time. If your dd is only 2.4, I wouldn't feel at all bad for her not having a sibling - it's too her full advantage to be the only one atm! I have 4 years between my dc and will have 5 years between my youngest and my next dc (pg atm)

Think about it again when she is 3 - your dp might be feeling different then - you still have plenty of time, it won't be a massive age gap at all and probably much better for your dd (and you will enjoy it more!)

[LaDiDaDi]

There are loads of logical reasons for delaying ttc by a while but I find it hard to concentrate on those!

Trying to fill in the time in some way seems like a good idea and I'm already trying to do that to some extent, ie friend's wedding in November, then Xmas etc.

[Elasticwoman]

What are dp/h's reasons for not wanting another?

What contraception do you use? If female, you could tell him you are not going to use it any more and let him take responsibility for it himself, if he has such strong views.

[Pheebe]

Not sure giving him ultimatums like that is going to help at all more likely to just put his back up and make him less likley to want to be intimate at all!! Contraception is a joint responsibility, just as the decision to bring a child into the world should be a joint decision.

[Elasticwoman]

Depends on the man, depends on the relationship, depends how desperate op is to conceive.

[Pheebe]

Sorry, I disagree. Never acceptable imo to use threats or ultimatums to get your own way no matter how desperate

[LaDiDaDi]

I take the pill. I wouldn't want to issue an ultimatum like that, I think it would just lead to an unsatisfactory sex life rather than an agreement to concieve.

Dp just seems to find it all "too much hard work" he's also worried about me being ill in pregnancy and having another prem baby. I just feel really upset when he says things like that, as if dd isn't worth allof our effort and the hard time we had when she was tiny. I was the one who was ill and I'd happily go through it all again tomorrow for another dc .

[chipmonkey]

Dh was desperately worried about me getting pg again after ds3. I bled all the way through the pregnancy and eventually had an emergency CS at 32 weeks after a massive bleed ( placenta praevia) Dh was none too keen to "go again" after that but I did persuade him in the end and now we have ds4. Thankfully that pregnancy went without a hitch.

[LadyOfWaffle]

I have depression and find I can't put my life in hold for it, I live ith it and work around it. But that's me, I know I have had dips downwards that I couldn't live with and work around, but my general day to day depression is just part of my daily life. I find getting on with things is a big help in itself for it. Does that make sense? Obviously everyone is different and you need a really good chat with your DP about it.

[Elasticwoman]

I was thinking more of a fait accompli than an ultimatum.

I suppose your dh feels that if you were to get ill, or worse, he would be left holding 2 babies & couldn't cope.

[LaDiDaDi]

LoW that's how I see things too, dp can't put our lives on hold in case he becomes ill again. We have lots of support from our parents and friends so we wouldn't be on our own entirely.

I know that I really need to have another big discussion about it all without getting too upset so that I can properly work out what he's thinking.

[Pheebe]

A fait acompli would be even worse imo and even more deceitful!

LaDiDaDi - I think another discussion is a good idea, keep talking, keep reassuring him, once you know his psecific concerns you can work together to deal with them

[Elasticwoman]

It would not be deceitful if you tell him about it. I don't know about you, but I don't consider my dh owns my body or can require me to alter it chemically to suit his convenience if it's not also my convenience.

I admit that my suggestion might not be the way to harmonious relations with dh, but it would not be deceitful either. He doesn't own my body, I do.

[chipmonkey]

Yes but unless you involve the milkman, he is responsbible for the outcome.

[LaDiDaDi]

Thanks for your support. I will let you know what happens after our next chat.

I suppose I think that if he said "No, never" then I wouldn't end our relationship because that wouldn't be in the best interests of dd and would be a hugely selfish thing to do on my part BUT I can see that I would become hugely resentaful of him and that would put a massive strain on our relationship. Equally I'm sure that if I did (though I wouldn't) get pregnant without his consent iyswim then I know that he wouldn't leave but I do wonder what that strain would do to us .

[Pheebe]

I agree 100% a womans body is her own and while actually 'telling' a partner you've come off the pill and if they don't want you to get pregnant its 'their responsibility' might not be deceitful, its certainly manipulative and imo passive bullying. I also think its incredibly selfish, uncaring, lacking in any empathy towards the partner and plain wrong. Contraception AND conception should be joint responsibility and by joint consent.

[Elasticwoman]

You're clearly not a Catholic then, Pheebe.
Passive bullying to decline to continue messing with your own body's hormonal balance? Interesting interpretation of the word bullying.

[Elasticwoman]

Manipulative in your opinion; assertive in mine.

[Pheebe]

No certainly not a catholic. I feel its a form of passive bullying because the intent in this case would be:

I want to be pregnant therefore I'm going to abdicate all responsibility for preventing conception to YOU. If YOU don't want me to get pregnant then YOU must prevent it.

If both partners are respectful of the others wishes there would be no need to be either manipulation or assertiveness.

Interesting discussion elasticwoman, thanks

[Elasticwoman]

If both partners are respectful of the other's wishes, there is an impasse. Which is why the OP is posting. This is a case too important for one party just to give in to the other, like which channel to watch on tv. I guess the OP feels (am I right?) that she should continue to negotiate until there is agreement, and she wants us to give her arguments to plead her case.