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DW "snogged" her best guy friend(Long story)

(49 Posts)
Kloth Fri 12-Sep-08 11:33:31

First time here and very hopeful for some perspective. I could ask fellow friends about this but need an anonymous view point. First off, I'm an American so my language is not quite "British".

My DW of two years snogged as you guys say, her best guy friend. She did tell me herself(we agreed that should we ever begin to cheat or cheat we'd tell the other). She didn't tell me for maybe a week or two after, but she did tell me. She admitted that she is in attracted(strong emotion/love) with this guy months after they first met. I thought she had enough strength to hold back from temptation, I just wasn't going to be the guy who demanded my spouse not have guy friends out of jealously. I also know that he also find my DW absolutely his type and is also very attracted to her.

The back-story is that he has been friends with my DW for 3 years and he was moving to a different town for college. She was very sad and in the past my DW and I had to resolve that she had love interest in him. I have absolute trust in her and told her so. She asked me if it was alright if she kissed him at his going away party. I think a part of me was thinking "lips" only and so I said yes it was fine. I was thinking cheek, head, lips...something a little less intimate. The kiss I found was heavy on the tongue. In one conversation, she let slip (as if it was no big deal, though I suspect chagrin) that it wasn't the first time. That left me startled, but I had said yes, so what was I to do? I've not confronted the issue of the kiss nor the supposed other times.

Now, they are on unfriendly terms only weeks later because when he visited town he ignored my DW's meet and greet over coffee and that she was sick of his broken promises to meet her and other lies that somehow cropped up the same week.

So now I've completely avoided the subject but she keeps mentioning the guy and how sad(crying involved) she is over his refusal to contact her(my DW). She is also completely taken/confused at my utterly caring concern for her happiness and well being in the face of crying over another guy. He also returned(yesterday) his recent birthday gift and barrowed items which again, devastated her.

More info is I've been on midnight shifts the last several months and she has been lonely with such a narrow time to see me after her work and me leaving for mine, and that I'm not there in bed with her when she sleeps. To find comfort and keep her company a couple friends began coming over while I was at work. the guy friend was one of them. He was hanging out with her at my home the last two-three months at a significantly increased rate due to this. Twice or thrice a week from once a month. Apparently he was also telling my DW how he'll miss her and where will he find someone like her to replace her in his life.

The week before the Kiss I had made a judgment error that week and didn't get enough sleep (playing computer games too much after getting home from work in the morning) early enough throughout the week, so basically slept through the time she was home from work and the time before I go to work. She was very upset at this because she felt I would rather play games than spend the limited time we had in the evening with her.

I definitely know she feels guilty and really wishes I would yell at her... One time we pondered what our reactions would be to cheating and I told her I would just go cold...apparently that has happened. Since finding out there was tongue involved last week we've not had intimate relations. Although, I've gone about daily life with her as usual. And every time I kiss her I think of THE kiss which sucks because I'm fond of kissing her to the point that she'll push me away.

The hardest part is that we are about to buy a house. And she was giving me a ton of grief over the week I overslept and that maybe we shouldn't get a house after all. I've gone from trusting my wife completely(still trust her because she told me.) to wondering how unfaithful she has been, because one sign of cheating I've read was finding reasons to be upset at your spouse. And normally, we are amazingly golden. This is crazy because we are the couple other people say are like a fairy tale.

Now, with all this known to you. What do you think caused it? Loneliness? Feelings of abandonment? Being seduced by the good guy friend who said all the right things to make her feel good? Was it a cry to get attention? How should I feel. I know she is neurotic and does feel adequate at times?

well-sif you guys have been married a long time then a bit of new is always exciting and thrilling in a way that your dh/dw isn't.

maybe she felt a bit miffed that you condoned her kissing him?

if my husband said it was ok for me to snog someone else i would pissed off! i would want him to be angry and say 'no way! you're MY wife'

things don't sound great between you tbh.

the two of you have to have some time alone together and talk.

slayerette Fri 12-Sep-08 11:49:28

You do sound as if you're being very reasonable. I would want my DH to be possessive over me and to not want me to kiss other men, and I would want him to show it. Otherwise, we may as well just be friends. If she's crying to you about how sad she is that the other man won't contact her - well, that's what a woman's girlfriends are for! Why is she using you for this role? That's not right.

You two need to talk about this honestly in terms of what it means for your relationship. A kiss may not seem that big a deal but the way you're both handling it, and the emotional attachment she has to another man (ie, this wasn't just a drunken snog with a stranger on a girls' night out) suggests that there are emotional issues here that both of you need to take the time to explore if you want your marriage to work. Have you considered Relate?

Kloth Fri 12-Sep-08 11:56:01

Relate? Seeing a counselor?

themidlmanneredstalker, I have thought about that she could be miffed at me condoning the kiss...but I've tried really hard to be suportive of her choice in friends. As I said, I was thinking a different kind of kiss.

The one thing she has always found absolutely profound is my utter lack of jelousy. She calls me a saint for it. I've extended absolute trust in her, because It is what I expect her to have in me. I, will, never, cheat on her so long as we are a couple.

As to girlfriends, I'm her BEST friend and I'm there for her in all ways. Our communication is exceptional. Right now you may say it isn't, but we are talking. I'm just taking some time to think as I'm not planning on becoming a ragging wreck over this, but want to consider all the reasons and causes before I do talk to her.

gingerninja Fri 12-Sep-08 12:07:23

It sounds to me like she's being unfaithful in the worst kind of way ie loosing her heart to this fella and frankly I think it's awful the way she's leaning on you for emotional support because it hasn't turned out the way she wanted. If this guy hadn't gone cold on her I think (from what you've said) she'd probably have left you so it seems that she's using you as a second best option.

I would imagine the reason it has happened is because she fancied this guy and he fancied her. Obviously she knew the consequences for cheating were worth taking the risk for and I hate to say it but with so little thought to you and your feelings she'd do it again and your reaction could be interpreted as someone who didn't really care.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but if a guy and done this to his wife she'd be told to kick him in to touch. Frankly I think you need to have some frank discussion and issue some ultimatums.

jasper Fri 12-Sep-08 12:10:39

Kloth do you mind me asking how old you and your wife are?

jasper Fri 12-Sep-08 12:11:16

And welcome to mumsnet. It's not just for mums!

batters Fri 12-Sep-08 12:22:06

I'm going to be blunt here.

Your wife and her friend are having an affair or have just finished having an affair, IMO.

For a woman to cry about a relationship, to return presents because she is so hurt / upset / angry is a sign of this.

This need not mean the end of your relationship but I think in order to move on your wife has to be totally honest with you.

I could be wrong, I may indeed be wrong, but from all you have said that's what I think.

thelittlestbadger Fri 12-Sep-08 12:27:06

I agree with Batters. They may not have had sex, but it sounds like an emotional affair where she was fallen for this other guy and relegated you to being a friend.

Strongly suggest relate.

TheHedgeWitch Fri 12-Sep-08 12:30:32

Message withdrawn

mayorquimby Fri 12-Sep-08 12:39:46

do not buy the house whatever you do.
it will tie you into a relationship that it looks like you don't want to be a part of (with good reason)

i would always say get straight out if they cheat. but that's just me. you are obviously different, i for one would never have condoned the cheating.

Blu Fri 12-Sep-08 12:42:36

But the other man returned the items to her..not the other way around.

Wghich suggests that he is tellling her to back off - before or after further ionvolvement. He also declined to meet her for coffee.

SO...she has fixated some sort of attachment on to him, it has been rejected, and now she also feels rejected because you have stayed up playing computer games - somewhat unfai of her - except that she is telling you that she wants you to FIGHT for your relationship. That doesn't have to include jealousy, but it does have to include 'you are my wife - i love you, I want you, and i want to spend tije with you - now and as often as possible. And I want you to talk to me abou problems so that we can SPORT IT OUT! NOW!'.

Do you see the difference? It isn't about backing off and giving her 'space' - it's about fighting for what you want.

She should be taking the initiative instead of flopping around behaving badly and waiting for you to rescue you, but she isn't, and if there is rescuing to be done, one of you needs to do it - so if you want it, resue it!

You sound lovely.

lulumama Fri 12-Sep-08 12:43:45

batters has really nailed it, i think

can;t believe she asked for permission, and you granted it! did it not ring alarm bells

i think the emotional bond is more concerning than the kiss to be honest.. sounds like she has a lot of emotion and energy invested in that side of the relationship

she is either in love or lust with him, they may or may not have consummated their relationship, but either way, she is not focused on your marriage

have you not had a word with him? told him to back off? he clearly knows she is married, they are both behaving badly.

what do you want? do you want to continue

agree that buying the house together now is a bad idea

complete lack of jealousy is not altogether a good thing.

a bit of jealousy is a good thing. it shows there is still some sexual kick there iyswim.

i trust dh absolutely 100 per cent.
i know he would not cheat on me.

but if he had a female friend and asked me if he could kiss her at a party i would be raging. you said that you envisaged a different kind of kiss.

a different kind of kiss would not require 'permission' would it??

if dh was crying to me that his female friend
didn't contact him any more-i would be baying for blood!!!!

is till feel jealous if i see dh chatting to a pretty woman at a party-just a touch-it makes me see hima s my lover again and not just dh and daddy iyswim.

Blu Fri 12-Sep-08 12:45:50

She does sound somewhat immature...I would probably hold off buying the house until you are sure that the relationhip is on a more secure footing. And she realises (if she's going to) that she had a very near miss and she needs to get her act together and not loll around snogging other people for extra interest.

Cappuccino Fri 12-Sep-08 12:53:25

yes I think Blu is right

I think she was a bit in love with this guy tho and crying in front of you is not fair; you can't be expected to comfort her

if she wants someome to fight for her then you seem to be the guy, if for no better reason than the other guy has buggered off

if you want her, fair enough. But if we had a woman on here posting what you had posted about her dh kissing a girlfriend and then coming home and picking fault and whining about it, I don't think anyone would have a lot of sympathy for the bloke tbh

Cappuccino Fri 12-Sep-08 12:55:09

yes Blu near miss

and I have to admit to having one of those now I think back so maybe I should cut the girl some slack

but in fairness I wasn't married. Do you have kids?

masalachameleon Fri 12-Sep-08 12:56:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Fri 12-Sep-08 12:58:31

She sounds as if she wants to have her cake and to eat it.

I think its ultimatum time for you

Blu Fri 12-Sep-08 12:59:25

Well quite Capp - I did this in my 20s - in a live-in relationship, not married, no children...

Lulu - the other guy HAS backed off - he's running as fast as his legs will carry him - he's gone to another town, refused to meet her for coffee and returned all her borrowed posessions and the present she gave him!

batters Fri 12-Sep-08 13:01:27

ah sorry got the present returning the wrong way round. But either way, present returning is odd if between friends. It smacks of, to me, "I've finished my relationship with you, I'm full of emotion about it, and I'm returning the presents to hurt you". It's a statement.

I wish you luck.

Cappuccino Fri 12-Sep-08 13:01:57

"she was sick of his broken promises to meet her"

this does sound like a love affair tho

I did kiss someone once, a friend, a lot of years back. Drink had been taken. But I realised that because of our friendship it was a fine line to cross and I got right out of it. I didn't see him again.

you say you are talking about 2-3 months he has been coming round; she asked if she could kiss him, so it was premeditated, not a complete surprise after a few drinks

she should have got out of this a lot sooner imo

batters Fri 12-Sep-08 13:03:47

Oh yes it does, capp, I agree .

CatMandu Fri 12-Sep-08 13:04:10

DH's ex wife used to say that he was a Saint for his lack of jelousy, he was very proud of that because he's a nice guy. Then one day he came home to find her in bed with the same male friend that they'd both been out with a few nights before.

Be careful, sometimes nice guys get taken advantage of. Clearly not always because I've now got the nice guy and I treasure him grin.

lulumama Fri 12-Sep-08 13:04:12

true, that is true... he was wrong for being in that situation. even if he knew it was a crush and was going to be unrequited, he had no business accepting gifts and maintaining a friendship when more was wanted

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