Antisocial Personality Disorder - does anyone have any experience of this please?

[Lightbulbmoment]

Just that. Have name changed for this. After years of misery with my controlling, alcohol abusing, uncaring, verbally abusive h I decided to do a search on his characteristics and the Mind website came up with this.

So does anyone have any experience of living with a person like this?

"Antisocial personality disorder (APD)
This is known as 'psychopathy' under the Mental Health Act (MHA) 1983. It is closely linked with adult criminal behaviour, so if you suffer from ASPD you will probably have a criminal record. You may also be a heavy drinker or a drug-user. Boredom is a problem for you and you may find it difficult to hold down a job for long or stay in a long-term relationship. You will tend to act impulsively and recklessly, often without considering the consequences for yourself or for other people. You may do things, even though they may hurt people, to get what you want, putting your needs above theirs. You believe that only the strongest survive and that you must do whatever it takes to lead a successful life, because if you don?t grab opportunities, others will. You may be regarded as being selfish and hard".

This is my H. There should be a picture of him next to this definition on the Mind Website.

I dont know what to do now. I have two dc with this man and I always thought he was like he is because of issues in his childhood. His behaviours are never directed towards the dc, only me, sometimes his siblings and people outside the family. If I showed him this he would laugh because he would recognise himself but he doesnt think he actually does anything wrong but just that I am a nag.

Does anyone have personal experience of this please. I am feeling very shocked but I know I am right about this.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Not of living with a person with APD but have worked with one. (as their social worker)
I'm amazed he has had a long term relationhip if he has APD TBH. Sympathies to you. I used to have a boyfriend who had paranoid personality disorder - different but about as easy to reason with and made me feel like I was going mad.
The question is - what do you want to do? Sadly personality disorders are seen as untreatable by mental health services and so there are no services out there for them - even if H would agree to see someone.
For your own sake and the kids I'd say you probably need to end the relationship. Has he ever been violent?

[Lightbulbmoment]

Tbh kat the verbal abuse and the behaviours I have accepted from him have probably been beyond what the majority of the population would accept. I just kept thinking that he needed to grow up a bit and was acting out after a difficult childhood. My parents were very abusive when I was a child so I suppose it was normal to me.

This is the sort of thing he says to me. He came home drunk the last night and left the gas on. The neighbours called gas company at 4 in the morning and then banged the door to get me up. I had to let the gas man in with my drunken h snoring on the sofa. The gas man did a reading and then said open all the windows and leave them open because it was so heavy. When I apologised to him he said its fine, just so long as no one got hurt - it was that bad. When I told H he said "fuck off, its no worse than you leaving your disposable razors in the bathroom".

He has been violent and thinks nothing of screaming and spitting in my face during a row. He says it is all my own fault because I nag him. This weekend was my dd's birthday. He went out last night before she even went to bed, came home drunk, got up this morning and went straight back out again. He goes out on benders whenever he has money or time off from work and then comes back being verbally abusive if I speak to him. I would be very lucky to get an apology from him. He doesnt care, he doesnt see anyones rights apart from his own.

Is it possible that he could have a mild form of it? As you say you are amazed he has managed a long term relationship, tbh he hasnt.....I have. I have kept everything going for years. He does hold down a job but only because it is one that interests him. Before that he was sacked any number of times.

I am going to end it. After all these years I realise it will never change, finally, I cant take anymore. Could you tell me abit more about your observations of this condition. I feel quite freed up by this. All along it wasnt my fault even though he always said it was. I worked so bloody hard, but if he has this then he will be like this with anyone. I didnt make him like it.

Phew that was long.

[SmugColditz]

I do think some 'personality disorders' is another way of saying someone is a twat.

Ie, X is referred to a psychiatrist for really nasty behavior, weth the referer thinking perhas there are underlying mental pproblems, and when none are found but the behavior continues unexplained, you or I would come to the conclusion that X is vain and self absorbed (narcissistic personality disorder) or a selfish and violent twat (antisocial personality disorder)) but the sych can't right back to the doctor/robation officer and say "No worries mate, he's just a twat". So they have to think of something that means the same but is 'posh'

See, OP, the person you describe in your OP is a selfish twat.

[SmugColditz]

You need to leave him. YOu know this anyway though, and I'm happy for you that youhave realised.

Call womensaid and they will help you leave him.

[twinsetandpearls]

I agree he is twat and you are well rid. I think there is some controversy over personality disorders. It has been suggested to me in a private clinic that I have a personality disorder, but for the record I am not a twat and the only person I hurt is myself. My GP however insisted that I just have quite severe bi polar depression. I am in a long term relationship although it can be difficult.

[Lightbulbmoment]

Think you are right SC. He is a total twat, I have always known that. But he seemed so lovely when I met him and I have always had a deep fear that I made him like this and now want to bail. However after the gas incident and his total lack of remorse I am beginning to see that he is not just a bit shouty and maybe thats because of me etc etc but actually rather f*cking dangerous. Enough is enough.

[SmugColditz]

I don't think ALL personality disorders are just made up. Just the ones where the Psych really wants to say "The pproblem is that he KEES BREAKING THE GODDAMNED LAW!"

[SmugColditz]

so what are you going to do next?

[Monkeytrousers]

Think you are right to get out.

[twoluvlykids]

LightBulbMoment - what a way for you to live.

[TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor]

For a whjile I thought my x might have Aspergers. He couldn't be told he was wrong, he had obsessions instead of interests, he was great socially, in fact, he hadn't a clue. And blamed me that nobody liked him.

But I was making excuses for him. His childhood, well his parents are both really odd.

Now I've left him I'm so much happier. I'm no longer verbally abused by a man who's very unhappy with the World, and can't fit in to it. So all he can do is earn more and more money, and then be really mean with it or use it as a way of controlling people.

Just leave him pet. Then stop analysing the twat, and start looking after yourself and your dc

[Lightbulbmoment]

Tell him in the next couple of days (when he has sobered up). He knows it is coming tbh. We have been so unhappy for so long. He keeps saying that I should move out and why shouldnt he get to live with his kids? Why should he have to be the one to leave etc?. Because you are a complete c*nt thats why and have been for years! I think that forfeits his right to stay in the family home.

The Gas thing has really scared me. It is the final straw. He is obviously incapable when drunk and that is often and wont change. As far as I am concerned now, if his drinking is affecting his childrens welfare then he is out.

[Janni]

Well done for realising that this cannot continue and that you need to split up. Can you get some legal advice to sort out your rights before you present him with your decision?

[Lightbulbmoment]

Well I have looked into it, so I know what benefits etc I am entitled to. I dont have a job so will get legal aid. We have a joint tenancy so maybe one of us could get rehoused. I have been thinking about this for so long but just wanted to give it every chance and I think I have done that. I have actually posted a few times before under other names and had fantastic advice, which has made me feel a lot stronger and a lot less isolated. That is the main reason I feel able to make a certain decision now.

Having come from a fairly toxic background I thought that probably most families have a lot of unpleasantness going on so I should just get on with it but coming on here has made me see that is not the case.

[lulumama]

the drinking and ignoring family commitments, such as birthdays would be bad enough

couple with the violence, temper, spitting, swearing, abuse and the danger to you all as he is insensible with drink is enough to send anyone screaming for the hills

there is nothing you can do to change him

get yourselves and your children to somewhere peaceful and safe, get legal advice and extricate yourself from this awful relationship

good luck

[lulumama]

what you describe is not unpleasantness

it is abuse. and it is not acceptable

[Monkeytrousers]

How do you think he will take to the news?

You need to be very careful and get support around you before you attempt anything.

[Monkeytrousers]

And I agree with Coldtitz, forget the internet disgnoses - somethng is very wrong, you are not a clinical psychiatrist and will maybe never know. But he is abusive and you want to split up. That is your focus.

And also do as Coldtitz says - ring WOmen's Aid

[Lightbulbmoment]

Tbh I think there is a big part of him that wants to go. I think that he will be relieved to a certain extent that finally someone said thats it. Although I do think anger will come later when he has gone and life is not as fun and carefree as he thought it would be and he does not have as much control over his dc's life. I foresee a difficult couple of years but I think the key thing is to just get him out and then worry about that later. Someone on here said that to me, think it is very true.

[Lightbulbmoment]

I will do. I think the official side of things would be something that would get him riled up though if I start that too soon. Just want to get him out. I know he will go because he thinks it is what he wants and maybe he does but I suspect that he wills see that the grass is not greener and thats when he will start to become difficult. I will be taking advice though, no doubt about it but probably not telling him I have.

Fortunately his job is very demanding and he spends alot of time on it, is consumed by it really so its not like I am going to have to let my dc go and stay overnight as yet because he works quite late. He would be seeing them mostly during the day, which is fine.

[Lightbulbmoment]

will see

[supercollider]

You are doing all the right things lightbulb, but please be aware that men like this quite often turn really nasty (even more than before) when they realise that 'their' women are preparing to become independent from them. It might be worth having a trustworthy friend or relative nearby when you tell him that you want him to move out.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Well this particular individual displays sexually harmful behaviour as he is impulsive and although 'knows' it's wrong when he wants something he wants it and will take/do it whatever the consequences.
He is violent when he doesn't get his way and everything is someone else's fault.
He lies compulsively, and denies things that are plainly true until he is blue in the face, despite not havinmg a hope he will be believed.
He doesn't accept responsibility for hurting other people - he cannot. He will admit things but deny the effect on the people he hurts.
He doesn't really care about his family except as far as what they can do for him.
He is only 19 but well on the way to being an alcoholic. He will buy beer before electric and sit in the dark drinkibng beer rather than have light and no beer. His 'friends' all live a similar lifestyle and affirm his behaviour.
His behaviour has been entrenched since childhood (apart from the drinkiing) and he is not likely to change. He's also a criminal. He is a very extreme example though, but the fact that he has a diagnosis at 19 is down to how extreme he is.

[squigglywig]

Professional and personal experience here.

There are services for people with PD (albeit few). Where do you live? There are DH pilot sites at various points around the country. (PD's are not made up, sorry, but they just aren't - yes some lazy arse psychs diagnose everyone they don't like with Borderline PD, but the majority of people with any of the PD diagnoses has one hell of a backstory, lives in total chaos and misery. It doesn't mean the behaviour isn't twat-like or abusive or downright wrong - but the behaviour being that way doesn't mean the disorder doesn't exist.)

You cannot fix him or love him better. He must do that for himself.

Many of the PD services also have satellite services for Carers/Family. Ringing any of them should get through to someone who will know exactly what you're going through and have been dealing with.

Living with this kind of person when they are ill is sheer hell - but there is light when you leave. Don't be afraid to get help for you if you need it.