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my husband hasn't spoke to me since his birthday (14 days)

(39 Posts)
fedexlady Wed 03-Sep-08 13:54:26

I am getting rather frustrated and discouraged about my marriage. The longer this goes on the less I am starting to feel about our relationship. Well it started when I forgot his birthday. Oh he was speaking to me the day before and the days leading up to his birthday and even part of day of his birthday; that is the part that I don't understand. All of a sudden he stops speaking to me not telling me anything as to why he has stopped talking to me; I assumed it was because I had forgot his birthday. I didn't forget it on purpose and I felt really bad about it; I even apologized and told him that I would make it up that weekend. Anyway the very next day I went out and bought a few things for him, including a card expressing how sorry I was that I forgot his birthday and for him to forgive me. Well I put the gift where he could see it with the card attached and he let it sit there for two whole days without looking at the gift or the card. I was so mad that I took the card and tore it up, i decided at that point that he didn't deserve my apology. A week later he asks me where the card went; I told him the truth I tore it up and threw it away thinking that he didn't want to make up and that the card didn't mean anything to him. He responded by saying "I don't care what the * you do". To go back a little I didn't forget his birthday on purpose. I work a 40 hr a week job and taking care of my grandmother too who is 97 by the way. My uncle and I had been trading off every other day to stay with her. So suffice it to say the days creep up on you so fast. I feel that my husband has now taken this to whole different level. I feel he is being mean and ridiculous about the whole thing. I don't want to talk to him until he apologizes.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 03-Sep-08 13:56:40

Yes he is being petty.

RubySlippers Wed 03-Sep-08 13:57:34

how old was he - 13?

this is a shameful way to behave (your DH) and frankly after 2 days of the silent treatment i would have packed his bags and suggested he stay with his mum if he wanted to behave like a child

you forgot his birthday - but he should have accepted your apology and gifts graciously

if you don't speak to him this deep freeze will only continue

does he often do this?

Dior Wed 03-Sep-08 13:58:24

Message withdrawn

Carmenere Wed 03-Sep-08 13:58:33

He feels neglected. Petty but probably the problem. I would go ballastic if dp forgot my bd but then again i would've just reminded him.
I would throw yourself on his mercy, apologise and explain how stressed and busy you are and that you need his support.

skidaddle Wed 03-Sep-08 13:58:59

He is being extremely childish, i don't blame you for being annoyed. Is he often like this or do you think there could eb somethign else that is bothering him?

tiredemma Wed 03-Sep-08 13:59:10

How pathetic.

I would ignore him for his childish behaviour- never mind feel pissed off that he is ignoring me

FluffyMummy123 Wed 03-Sep-08 13:59:36

Message withdrawn

mosschops30 Wed 03-Sep-08 13:59:48

fedexlady I feel your pain. dh regularly sulks and has gone for a week or so without speaking to me and it drives me crazy. I know what you mean about feeling discouraged because the longer it goes on the more you think 'oh fuck thisd, why am I here'?

I dont know what the answer is but do know how you feel. Why do they do this, as others have said its such childish behaviour.

Dior Wed 03-Sep-08 14:01:11

Message withdrawn

Flamesparrow Wed 03-Sep-08 14:01:16

I'd be pissed off if DH forgot my birthday hmm

Did you say a genuine apology, or did you add in the "but..." and tell him all about your 40hr week etc?

zippitippitoes Wed 03-Sep-08 14:02:35

i wouldnt live with anyone who did this not speaking thing

exmils used to do it and there is no way id put up with it

but equally i find it amazing you forgot his birthday

even so

i would have suggested we split if i was in your position and he wasnt speaking in this way and couldnt resolve thiungs like adults and partners

Jux Wed 03-Sep-08 14:09:05

DH is always forgetting my birthday - I think he's remembered and actually got me a present no more than twice in 11 years! It pisses me off a couple of times it was in the middle of really periods, and I figured it would be better if we celebrated when things had calmed down a bit. It's pointless sulking.

I would have taken the card and presents back if he hadn't looked at them within 2 days - he's sending a very clear message by ignoring them. What he's telling you is he's petty, childish, and has no understanding of what might be going on around him.

georgiemum Wed 03-Sep-08 14:11:44

Poor you! He is being a bit of a brat. It reminds me of a small child that didn't get what they wanted and refuses everything else because it isn't what he wanted in the first place (even when he can't remember what that was).

He is probably feeling a little unloved because you are not concentrating on 'HIM' because you have other commitments. Maybe he is feeling a little sensitive about his age? He probably thought that you had a suprise planned and was upset when he realised that you really had forgotten. Or is he like this usually about things?

He probably just needs a little 'stewing' time. Try not to take it to heart. Just tell him that you will make time for him when he wants to talk about it. Tell him that you realise that he is angry with you and understand why (you don't have to agree with it though). He will be probably feeling that he is justified in feeling angry and that you are taking him seriously. There is nothing worse than being really p-ed off with someone if you think that the other person is not sorry 'enough' (or not sitting in sackcloth and ashes, or beating themselves with a birch).

He is being childish and silly - you are not in the wrong here - BUT if you both get angry then it will blow up into something even larger. If you genuinely feel that this marriage is worth working at, then please try to remember this. I am not saying that you take the role of the victim here - you are in control here, as he is obviously too annoyed to see any sense and will probably cut off his nose to spite his face.

2point4kids Wed 03-Sep-08 14:13:50

He is an adult. Its only a bloody birthday.
I'd leave DH if he refused to talk to me for 14 days over a birthday that I genuinly forgoyt!

I cant believe all the people saying 'I'd be pissed off if dh forgot my birthday'etc. Slightly pissed off I could understand - but 14 days of silent treatment is just bizarre frankly!!!!

Geepers Wed 03-Sep-08 14:15:05

He is being ridiculous. My husband forgot my birthday this year, but we did have a lot going on. I didnt mind, I thought it was sweet how apologetic he was when he realised.

There must be more wrong in your relationship than a forgotten birthday.

NorkyButNice Wed 03-Sep-08 14:26:44

I can't believe that people actually have grown DH's who don't speak to them for a week - the mind boggles at what the rest of your relationship must be like.

Saying that, it is pretty bad form to have forgotten his birthday, whatever else is going on in your life.

If you've sincerely apologised to him, then he should accept it and move on. You do need to make it up to him though!

Zazette Wed 03-Sep-08 14:34:08

Ignoring you for 2 weeks is bad. But did you really just put the card and gift where he could see them? v passive aggressive if so. Why not just give them to him?

fedexlady Wed 03-Sep-08 17:18:23

I want to start off by saying thank you for all the responses. I didn't think that I would get them so quickly but I am happy about it. I enjoy reading all the different responses and opinions.

I know when I am in the wrong and will be first to say I'm sorry. I don't like to go to bed angry and I don't like for anyone to be mad at me. I will walk across hot coals if I know that I have hurt someone. In my card to him I had written a heart felt apology and the card itself was a very loving card. He decided to ignore my card for a whole week and not look at it & then when he decided to look at it he wanted to know what I had done with it. I feel that he was ignoring my apology and more less telling me that my apology was not enough and that he was going to make me pay by not speaking to me.

There is nothing else that he would be mad at me about because he was speaking to me prior to his birthday and on the day of his birthday. I feel there is nothing to warrant his silence. I could see if I went to the bar every night and stayed out late or was cheating on him.

This is not the first time that he has given me the silent treatment. My husband if he doesn't get his way. He wants to pick the movie and if I don't watch it then he gets mad. If I don't pick the right restaurant, he gets mad. I wash my own car, I pay for the repairs on my car, I pay for the insurance on my car. I pay all my credit card bills myself. If he doesn't get enough sex he gets mad. When his mother was alive I took care of her when she was unable to take care of herself. I gave her baths and sat with her and was there for my husband when she died. He doesn't give me credit for anything. He was the one who was after me to marry him for the longest time and when I finally did it was like hell to live with him. He works out in his garden, loves his animals and doesn't do anything around the house to help keep it orderly. Bottom line is that I have never held grudges and that anytime we have made up I have put it in the past where it should be; he doesn't. He holds grudges and thinks that the world revolves around him. I feel that he should be more understanding where I am concerned. I am understanding when it comes to him but he doesn't see that and that is what I am most disappointed at and angry, sad. All these feelings inside. Does anyone have any answers for me?

RubySlippers Wed 03-Sep-08 17:23:01

he sounds very controlling

and everything is your "fault"

i am not sure what the answers are

he sounds very similar to someone i went out with who very nearly destroyed me

he loved the chase and couldn't have been more "perfect" until we moved in together and then BOOM

I am really sorry as your relationship sounds like it is withering

lulumama Wed 03-Sep-08 17:26:15

yep, he was a nob, ruby.

you made a genuine mistake, fedex. bad to forget spouse;s birthday, but sounds like you had a lot on your plate. a 'normal' spouse would get over it PDQ unless there were other issues. to not talk for 2 weeks.. that is just bizarre. takes a lot of effort to be that mean

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 03-Sep-08 17:28:08

He is acting like a spoilt toddler.

How has life gone on for the last two weeks? Have you cooked for him, done his washing, had sex with him, spoken any words at all?

Upwind Wed 03-Sep-08 17:28:18

No answers but a suggestion of marriage counselling. My DH used to sulk and get huffs before we were married, we were required to do a pre marriage counselling for religious reasons, where we talked about our relationship with a trained counsellor. He honestly had no idea how bad that passive aggressive behaviour was (despite my often trying to discuss it) somehow in the presence of a neutral third party, he saw the light and has never really done that since. It also gave him a chance to air any problems he had with my behaviour and put them into context.

RubySlippers Wed 03-Sep-08 17:30:53

yes @ iamnotmamag ... i was wondering that as well

and yes Lulu - he was a nob

georgiemum Wed 03-Sep-08 17:34:00

yup. Try RELATE. You deserve to be in a relationship which is respectful and equal. I don't think that it sounds as if you have either. Please try RELATE. Here is their website: www.relate.org.uk/

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