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Bad sex or no sex.

(52 Posts)
AintMisbehavin Wed 13-Aug-08 15:42:08

I've been dreading starting this thread. I find it hard to think about without getting upset. It's all a bit complicated - I'll try and be concise.

DH and I don't have a sex life. The only time we do is when it's time for another baby and I work out when we need to do it, we do, it's crap, I get pregnant, job done.

I think the reason we don't ever do it is because it's so bloody shit when we do. DH seems to think it's all a bit yucky, he won't touch me 'down there', he always goes straight to wash his willy after it's done.

When we met he was very reserved eg he claimed not to like blow jobs, and gradually we tried new things and had a pretty okay sex life. We're a bit imcompatible (he calls it "making love" and wants to be slow and sensuous and make this horrible "hmmmmmm" noise, whereas I'd be happy for it all to be a bit more fun, a bit rougher, a bit quicker.)

It's hard to remember exactly how we've got into the state we're at now, but I think I'm a lot to blame - I got so very angry about how completely rubbish everything was and his reluctance to try anything new or different that I thought screw it, we won't do it at all then, and rejected him completely.

Although there was a long time where I kept trying to initiate sex and he pretended not to notice. Rather humiliating for me.

Now we bumble along and sex just never comes up. It wouldn't occur to him to have sex with me. To be honest, having sex with my husband would feel a bit like sleeping with a brother. Yuck. He really doesn't turn me on, and I obviously don't turn him on either.

We've had talks about it. We've had blazing rows about it. We've agreed on the way forward. We just never get anywhere. The last time we had regular sex just because we wanted to must be about 6 - 8 years ago I think.

We have a great relationship apart from this. We get on well, talk about stuff, enjoy each other's company, love the children, love each other. Most of the time I am resigned that I am incredibly lucky to have such a good life with a marvellous man who I love and who loves me, and the only fly in my ointment is no sex, well I can live with that. Then I read on mumsnet about other people having great sex and it being such an important part of their relationship and I cry.

Podrick Wed 13-Aug-08 15:45:45

Not many people have exactly the life they want, we all make compromises somewhere.

Which ones you make are down to could try sex therapy / have an affair / leave him / accept the status quo...which one sounds the best to you right now?

zippitippitoes Wed 13-Aug-08 15:46:03

dont get upset about what you think other people might be doing smile

there are lots of ways to be happy in your own relationships

it does sound like you need a bit more balance tho

and you are confused about how you feel

talking to someone would help wouldnt it?

Overmydeadbody Wed 13-Aug-08 15:51:46

You said yourself you have a great relationship, so that is good.

I think the bit where you said you are both 'incompatible' when it comes to sex is the crux of the problem isn't it?

Would you be able to work out an arrangement where you both got your sex elsewhere if you where both open and honest about it with each other?

Tortington Wed 13-Aug-08 15:54:21


girlnextdoor Wed 13-Aug-08 15:59:30

All I can say is that you are not the only DH does not find it yucky- but I no longer feel that way towards him.

After MANY years married, I am assessing whether I need to move on or make do. I wonder if not fancying him any more is inevitable after centuries together, or if it means we just don't gel on a deeper level.

Anyway- enough of me- you are not alone. I was pissed-off by the recent thread where all and sundry proclaimed their orgasmic successes- errrr....... What's one of those? hmm

girlnextdoor Wed 13-Aug-08 16:02:40

one other tiny thought- do you think he could be gay? It's an obvious question.

If not, and plenty of married men are- would he benefit from sex therapy-something must have happened to make him feel like that- not with you, but maybe an experience or something in his childhood do you feel you could make a go of it if he didn't find it yucky?

CuckooClockWorkOrange Wed 13-Aug-08 16:03:07

The washing his willy straight after sex is a bit hurtful I'd imagine though.
You have a lot that is good. He sounds a good man and a good friend. You really must feel so confused. That's no help to you. But I feel for you. It's too good to leave and too bad to just shrug off... Rock and a hard place. Don't know what to suggest. I hope that you get some good advice. Better than mine was!

abouteve Wed 13-Aug-08 16:08:20

Is he happy having no sex? Are you truly? If the answer to both is yes then carry on.

If not then one or both of you are in danger of having an affair. How would you both feel about that.

doodle78 Wed 13-Aug-08 16:16:44

What about some counselling? Im trying to work through some stuff with my partner now where I feel quite unfulfilled in that area. Having a third party to talk to and suggest things has been immensely helpful (and at times a bit embarrassing!). If your partner could be a bit more experimental maybe you'd see him in a different light? And maybe a counsellor could be the one to help get things going.
I think you need to nip this in the bud before you get really resentful and possibly do something you could regret.

sparkybabe Wed 13-Aug-08 16:18:35

Aintmisbehaving - don't assume everyone else is having a great time. I don't love or fancy my dh anymore, I am trying to think of a way to live together, without sleeping together, - for the sake of the children- altho he obviously still loves and fancies me. We get on well otherwise, he's intelligent, loving, considerate, got a good job and plenty of money etc, but I don't consider us 'married' any more. He does tho.
Oh and our sex life has never been great, (quick and unsatisfying) but it's not a huge problem for me. I can't see myself having an afair, simply because I don't have the opportunity/desire/know any blokes who would!

Dior Wed 13-Aug-08 16:24:13

Message withdrawn

TracksuitLover Wed 13-Aug-08 17:17:24

Maybe he doesn't know what really turns him on yet. Maybe you could buy him a book of sexual fantasies stories and talk to him about which ones he likes best. Would you consider looking at porn together?

iwishiwasnatashakhan Wed 13-Aug-08 17:30:18

I'm in this position too. I have tried the "getting back in the saddle " thing many times and now we are not having sex at all, since Christmas. There are other problems in our relationship, and we are in Relate, and I have had a very,very brief fling with someone - which he doesn't know about. We have discussed having a Tilda and John stylee relationship where we both have lovers outside the marriage- one of our kids has sn and I REALLY would struggle to cope as a single mother - but in reality I don't know that that can work, unless both parties are really really discreet. So no advice really just sympathy. Dior if I remember you are a size 16 hardly UBERLARD. Sorry you are still in same position, oh, I have namechanged, I was toomanydaves and gracepaley.

AllFallDown Wed 13-Aug-08 17:41:52

Man ...
Not madly surprised he lost interest after you - as you put it - "rejected him" for being rubbish. That's not the kind of thing that's guaranteed to make a man feel sexually secure, especially one who's obviously not very sexually confident to begin with. You felt rejected when he lost interest after that; I imagine he felt the same.

On washing his willy ... first serious gf I had made me do that after sex. The next one was appalled when I did it, wrongly assuming it was women expected ...

Kally Wed 13-Aug-08 18:00:53

So sweet allfalldown.

Kally Wed 13-Aug-08 18:03:18

Why does he think its yukky? Have you tried rooting around and understanding this whole attitude? Perhaps that would be a starting point to repairing the situation. If you are madly inlove and are two adoring people - surely a reasonably good sexlife - should follow suit? At least now and then?

Kally Wed 13-Aug-08 18:08:57

You tend to dis him quite a lot as well. Just re-read your OP. (Like the making the horrible hmmmmm noise). Awwwww, me thinks 'poor guy'. Sorry it just comes across as if you're being totally insensitive and expect him to be resilient and perform the way you want him to, when really you've probably knocked all the stuffing out of him.
AS for willy washing, some men don't like how the wet goes cold after coming out of a nice warm place. They are sensitive down there too. To me, that wouldn't be a biggie.

girlnextdoor Wed 13-Aug-08 18:18:55

I suppose it all depends on WHY he washes his willy- poor guy- are his ears burningsmile.

If he has some kind of deep seated issues/revulsion, or if it is simply hygiene/comfort.

zippitippitoes Wed 13-Aug-08 18:23:07

he sounds rather more of a romantic than you, what kind of fantasies do you have that his gentle approach doesnt fit with?

you cant really change his character into a sort of heathcliff type if he isnt like that

abouteve Wed 13-Aug-08 19:11:41

hmmmmm. I like it when I guy murmurs the ecstasy (sp) noises. If that bothers you then you do need counselling or sex therapy to get any thing back on track.

AintMisbehavin Wed 13-Aug-08 19:26:05

Now I feel disloyal for a load of strangers to be discussing his willy washing. The willy washing is not the focus - it's just an example of his finding sex distasteful. Willy washing I can live with. Him not wanting to touch me below the waist is far more hurtful. The last time we had sex (June last year for procreation purposes) I really did try and set the mood, but the first night he (deliberately?) had too much to drink and said nuthin doing, and the second night he rolled on top of me, no foreplay or anything and the whole experience was painful and unfulfilling.

The crux of our problem is that we are completely unable to talk about sex. Like its taboo. I have even orgasmed while having sex with him and been embarressed to squeak or admit it.

Those replies that have said I am being unkind or unfair to him, you're right I probably am, because I'm so angry about it. I entered this relationship pretty naive about sex, but willing to give things a good go, sex was fun and enjoyable and squelchy and good. Now, because of his hang ups, I too am terribly embarrassed to bring it up - like it's dirty or something.

I don't blame him for his hang ups, but I am angry about them. Not with him, well, maybe a bit with him, but not just with him. Just angry about the situation I suppose. Futile anger.

I have tried talking things through years ago (I love, like and respect this man, I did it honestly and gently and in the spirit of 'lets both talk about how to make things even better for both of us') but obviously fluffed it as he said it was hurtful to hear it's not great.

An affair is not an option. He is my husband. I'll live without sex but I won't be unfaithful to him. I don't think he would be unfaithful to me either, though I do wonder where and how he gets his kicks if not with me.

AintMisbehavin Wed 13-Aug-08 19:27:28

abouteve - it's not an ecstacy noise - it's the "hmmmm?" that your geography teacher used to make when he'd caught you talking and asked you if you could explain why your conversation was more important than his lesson.

AintMisbehavin Wed 13-Aug-08 19:28:51

Zippi he probably is more romantic than me. He's a very nice man. I am lucky to have him.

zippitippitoes Wed 13-Aug-08 19:31:05

most likely he is feeling unhappy about it too and very unlikely to be douing anything other than putting up with it

if you both fel quite inhibited then perhaps sexual counselling would help

i watched a dvd with bf which i though was gpoing to be porn ..i picked it up in my ds room

in fact it was a bizarreand very unintentionally amusing kind of manual based on the kama sutra and quite tame but its the sort of thing that might help you approach the subject togetyher

we have had a few jokes about it since along the lines of not sure this was how they did it

would that kind of thing help

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